Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

June 20, 2017

Dear Mr. Computer,

I am so angry!!!!!  I am so sick and tired of being treated as a puppet on a string!!  I am so angry about one day this means one thing another day it means another thing.  No, do it this way, no, do it that way, no, did it like this!!!!  I am so sick and fucking tired of this STUPID SHIT!!!

I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT HAVING TO SCREAM SUICIDAL IDEAS AND PLANS JUST TO BE HEARD!!!!!!!!

I am so angry about not being able to choose whatever products I WANT, that I LIKE, that I ENJOY the taste of!!!!!!

Do you think I want to sit here and be finger fucked for the rest of my life?!

I don’t even know who that was in the yellow shorts!!  I am too fucking sick, and tired, and mad about it all!!!

Where my car is parked, where I pick up my mail, what number, what color – I FUCKING HATE IT!!  I AM SO SICK OF IT!!!!!

I am so tired of screaming fuck-you’s because that’s the only thing I get to express.

I hate that fucking ceiling vent in my house!  It should be disconnected permanently.  All of the appliances, fire alarms, electrical sockets, light bulbs, and lamps along with any other listening devices I might not have mentioned or be aware of should be DISCONNECTED AND SHUT OFF forever!!

I hate being monitored while in the toilet at        !!!  I want it to end forever!  No one should have to be watched while relieving themselves, especially having been made to shit their pants!!!!!!!!!!  Which is the only reason I used the toilet I did!  It is the only one you cannot see!  I am so mad and angry about       today!!

Obama cured!  The truth of the matter is I NEVER had the Ebola virus from which I could not be cured as I have previously written.  The problem was I did not, nor could I understand what was happening at TCS and every person there seemed to know I slept with the skin suit person (doesn’t really count since they were in disguise and wearing fake skin).

I thought it was David when I spoke of the Ebola virus.  I thought they were making fun of me – again – for still believing in David.  Not in love with David.  I was just unwilling to say bad things about him, or betray the memories I had of him that is why I said I could not be cured.  I am still unwilling to bend or waiver on the fact that he was important to me.  So many things have changed.  I am not the same anymore, however I will not let go of that memory for the sake of someone else’s comfort or game.

I am so sick and tired and fed up with having to return problem food!!!  I am so upset about having to choose a different aisle just to go to the TOILET!!

I am so upset about every different person being able to say different things and different procedures at         and this      life.  I am so mad about there not being consistency!!

I am so angry about being so poorly handled and managed!

I really came away from this – you are what you eat shopping.  It is so uncreative.

If it’s not my      that’s too low, then it’s my       that goes         or too     .  If it’s not one thing, then it’s another.

It all needs to be completely reworked, restructured, and reorganized.

  1. There should be no reason why I am forced to be     , made     , or given extreme circumstances to get to          .
  2. There should be no reason why I have to return products constantly.
  3. There should be no reason why I can’t have and chose whatever products I like.
  4. There should be no more proxy BUYING!
  5. There should be no more proxies in relation to anything inside my home.
  6. There should be no more driving games.
  7. There should be no more mickey mouse puzzle, or maze games ANYWHERE in my life!
  8. There should be no more altering of my food or products of any kind!
  9. There should be no more entering of my home in any capacity whatsoever!
  10. There should be no more listening or viewing of the inside or outside of my home at all!
  11. There should be no more creating barriers for me to have to figure out, solve, or overcome!
  12. There will be no more correlation between the route to      and my      experience.
  13. There will be no more correlation between where I park and my      experience.
  14. There will be no more correlation between where I park my car and my mail.
  15. You will fill that hole to the right of me.
  16. You will fix the right side of me, so I no longer have to choose left or right!
  17. There will no longer be a contest between US and International.
  18. There will no longer be a contest between black and white and color.
  19. There will no longer be any more 1, 2, or 3!!!!!!!
  20. There will no longer be a difference between Tuesday’s or Thursday’s!!!
  21. There will be no more hunger games!
  22. There will be no more games or gaming!
  23. There will be no more sleepy-time at      or otherwise!!!!!!!!!
  24. There will be no more coercions of purchasing products in order to keep my    .
  25. There will be no more coercions of any sort to keep my    .
  26. You will keep that skin suit person and Casey away from me!!!!
  27. There will no longer be a contest between       ,          ,             , or any such contest.
  28. There will be no more forcing me to eat fat-free and sugar-free or reduced products to keep my weight down.
  29. There will be no more trixies!!!!!!!!!!
  30. There will be no more driving games!
  31. This is NOT a complete list!

I feel like I need to fill you in on the things that have been done to me since TCS went bad.  I feel like I have to download all these bad memories, hurts, and harm so that I can get to the good stuff of where my creative memories lie.

Christmas Coffee

Breakfast: It is not my favorite meal of the day, and I am usually not a big breakfast person.  However, fussy and especially picky I might be about flavor, taste, quality, and variety – I am quite simple.  So, for breakfast today I would like wheat toast with organic butter and freshly made strawberry jam – I quite like the strawberry jam I make and have made before – strawberry or blueberry yogurt – not the little cups of yogurt – with added fresh fruit on top.  A glass of orange juice, and mugs and mugs of warm, flavorful, strong coffee.  That’s all.

How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever food, clothing, beauty products, soap(s), gas stations, restaurants, grocery stores or any other store, or on-line purchases?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose how you organize your own garage?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose how your organize your home?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose where you park?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever clothing you like?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever program, movie, or television show you feel like or want to see?  How would you like to live without television, or cable?  How would you like to live without the ability to travel to whatever destination you wanted to or chose?  How would you like to live without human contact of any kind?  How would you like to live without the power or ability to change or alter any facet of your life?

How would you like to live that way?

How would you enjoy it?

Then, how would you enjoy it if every moment of your life was spent in front of a camera watching you, filming you, exposing your every moment to the world?

How would you like to live like that for years and years?

You have succeeded.

Here it is Christmas Eve rolling into Christmas morning, and I am living on another planet, or alternate universe.  I am completely isolated from the entire world.  Another holiday, another season and all emotion and feeling is lost on me.

Christmas season used to be my favorite season.  All the decorations and lights turning the house into another home where everything became smaller.  As all the Christmas trees, garlands, presents, lights strung everywhere, and holiday decorations filled in all the previously empty spaces pushing in on you making the walls closer.  Making family interactions and gatherings closer than any other time of year.

All the cooking and baking and merriment that went along with the food and sharing it with loved ones – I miss.  I do not miss the stress of the holiday season – the stress I have now is greater than any other person in the entire world.  That is a fact.  For no one else in the world lives, interacts, or feels the world, as I do.

I have not a single Christmas or holiday decoration up.  I have not even had the slightest inclination to decorate.  Perhaps because all my previously purchased Christmas lights have hidden cameras in them as someone’s idea of a joke or prank.  To force me to purchase new lights, perhaps?  Who knows.  My plans when I moved here were to string the icicle lights all over my ceiling creating an ice castle inside since I no longer have much of an area to decorate outside.  Now, my plans will never come true because someone else has violated my privacy without request or permission.

Daylight is another world to me anymore.  Daylight is a foreign planet that I do not understand.  Sunshine and daylight feel like enemies beating me with exposure.  Anytime I am driving during daylight I feel as though I have stepped into another world I no longer exist or belong to.  The brightness makes me cringe in terror.  I fall back to shade and shadows as a means to protect myself.

This is not the person I have ever been before.

The truth is if I ever get to write the all of the stories that happened before the monorail ride with James Franco, then you would be so very ashamed of any moment of pleasure you received in watching me, or knowing me.  If you knew the stories, if you knew and read about the name whispered to me – you would feel so ashamed of yourselves.  You would also be indignant toward those who knew, and yet allowed this to happen to me anyway.

For they all knew – with all the hypnosis, drugged-induced-truth-serum forced sharings, the fire alarm-sleep and rest depriving-hypnosis – the blue tooth knew of the trueness of my heart, of the deep connection, of something greater than a crush or infatuation, it knew of the greatness I had in me and destroyed it, then lied to you, to me, to the world, and pretended it was the truth.

For, I will never understand the purpose of all of this – as I will never speak or write anything positive about this experience as it should never have happened to me, nor should it ever happen to anyone.  Also, any ideas or notions I once had about making money from the arts is lost to me.  Not for all the money in the world would I ever want to enter or be apart of that world.  I have been on this side of it for too long now.  I can only hope to one day fade and hide away into obscurity forever.

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

June 19, 2017

Dear Mr.                ,

So depressed today.  I wonder why that is?  Probably has something to do with fact that I was forced to shit myself while at       .  So that I had to use the bathroom that is anything but funny and does nothing but humiliate me even further.

I am not going to continue writing about the smile series of what I think my vision should be, or give any sort of direction.  I know it’s not real.  I know I have no control.  I know there is nothing I can do that will change anything in my life.  I know there isn’t anything that is real at all.  Not even you Mr.               .  I will write their names down, but I’m done.  I know there isn’t anything I can contribute that will change, make a difference, or have any impact.  Because this life is still going by someone else’s rules and playbook that has long since expired, and was never true for me.  Again, because I was never in love with any of those glass men.  I was never in love or even liked the skin suit person, nor do I like or want to ever hear another voice in my head that is not my own.

I have said and written before that I never wanted a woman using whatever it is called when they can hear my thoughts – the helmet.  The helmet is more personal and intimate, it is a violation to me and who I am when a woman uses it.  It is a violation when anyone uses it.

So depressing.  I don’t get to be understood.  I don’t get to change any of the previous rules.  How I left        yesterday?  I would rather kill myself than continue living in this way.  Every person and celebrity I saw and thought I was doing a good thing through purchases or gas has used me only to hurt me.  It is so humiliating.

I don’t even know why I would start something like a smile series when I do not smile anymore.  When I go to          there is no communication to me everyone talks down to me makes me feel inadequate, simple, and dumb when I am none of those things.  There is nothing empowering, creative, fun, or enjoyable at            .

So, I will not ask for your help again.  You don’t know how because you are not real.  It is just some ploy they use to make me continue.

I should never have turned on that radio again even if I do miss listening to music.  I never wanted to be viewed or listened to while I listen to the     .  I don’t want that radio broadcasting.  All it has ever done has been used against me to hurt me, defile my body, and make me feel stupid and untalented.

Forced to make a U-turn at the stoplight so you could charge me for the       products that I already returned.  But, I don’t even get to keep people out of my house while I’m gone or while I am here.  So, you come into the house and take the receipt for the travel       set that I returned, then I don’t have the tracking number to correct and call out           mistake.  So, everyone gets to hurt and humiliate me.

I don’t know why I would take the time to thank anyone when I do not care about celebrities like that.  I don’t care about stardom.  I was simply an appreciator, but in return I’ve been humiliated, laughed at, made fun of, had my private moments taken from me, had my humanity ripped from me, forced to choose between men I care nothing for just so they can laugh and make fun of me as they get to have their own personal life with their woman and make me feel like a cheap whore.

Why would I continue writing when everyone else gets to hurt me by doing things like making me shit myself at       .  Utterly humiliating.  Then, to add further humiliation because I was made to shit myself, I don’t even get to be emotionally upset by it.  So, I am punished with low        numbers.  Why?!  Because I didn’t look up at the person opposite of me?  Did anyone else at       have to shit themselves?!  No.  I don’t get the opportunity to emotionally work through or go through anything, and you wonder why I will never again want to go back to California, or have anything to do with a James Franco.  I still have to follow these rules that never applied to me.  I just haven’t had any other choice.

So depressed.  I would rather think of ways to hurt and harm myself, so that I don’t have to live through another day of someone else’s rules.  So, that I don’t have to        another day where someone else gets to make me shit myself.

Do you know what I said before about that dating experience of being tricked, manipulated, and raped by a skin suit.  I told my brother this in 2014, I told people on the phone, I told many people this – I would rather have been beaten within an inch of my life, left on the street for dead than to ever have had that experience.  Because that I could understand.  Being beaten and left for dead I can understand.  Spending years of being used, tricked, set-up, and never having one real date to make me do something desperate I will never understand.

Do you think I ever want to have to protect myself by thinking of ways to hurt myself?!  No.  But, when you have no control, or ways to create change, or anything, how else is a person supposed to feel?!

I know the only reason I heard at Home Depot, I want us to be a family, was just so that I would watch a movie and it means and meant nothing more.

My mother would be so ashamed of my life as I am so ashamed of my life.  So ashamed of this kind of life.

How To Avoid A Complete Shut-Down

It is not possible in life to avoid every single neon open sign in a store window.

It is not possible to have a life designed around what business’, shops, street signs, and billboards you drive by.  This has been a complete waste of my time, talent, and energy!  FIRE THE CONNECTED DRIVE, THE RED TAG DRIVING, THE PUZZLE DRIVING, ALL OF IT!  YOU ARE WASTING SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO END BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

I can’t believe I have to write this again, but you have not learned your lesson!  The brain has a capacity for pain, trauma, and stress once it is reached you pass out to protect yourself.  You have caused me to pass out every day with my eyes open, then as soon as I can, I close them so that I can protect myself.

How fucking dare you attempt to tell me you know me better than I know myself!

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU THREATEN ME TO COERCE ME INTO DOING SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHAT I KNOW TO BE BEST FOR ME, TO MAKE ME DRIVE DIFFERENTLY, TO MAKE ME ORDER FOOD DIFFERENTLY, TO MAKE ME DO MORE AND FASTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON WHILE EVERY ONE ELSE GETS TO SLACK OFF, TAKE BREAKS, WALK UP AND DOWN, DO LESS, EARN MORE, AND RECEIVE RECOGNITION AND SUPPORT WHILST I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SAW THAT FUCKING RUNTED BACKPACK SPRAYER!!  NOT FOR A MOMENT AM I EVER GOING BACK TO THAT FUCKING MIDGET THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!  I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN GOING BACK TO 2014.

I WILL NOT MOVE OUT OF THE WAY FOR JAMES FRANCO!!!!  HE CAN MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!  WHAT DID HE THINK THAT HE COULD CUT ME OFF FROM THE ENTIRE WORLD, STARVE ME EMOTIONALLY, KEEP ME AS SOME SEX SLAVE, THEN I MIGHT CONSENT TO SOME RELATIONSHIP OR FEELINGS FOR A MAN THAT I NEVER HAD?!

I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE UNTRUTHFUL, TELL A LIE, OR BREAK UNDER THIS CONSTANT EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, AND PHYSICAL TORTURE!

UNDERSTAND ME CORRECTLY!  I WOULD RATHER DIE!!!  I AM PREPARED TO DIE!  THIS IS NOTHING NEW, I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS, WRITING THIS SINCE 2014!  ARE YOU PREPARED TO WATCH ME DIE, HAVE ME KILLED, PUT ME IN ANOTHER ACCIDENT THAT KILLS ME?!  WHO’S FAULT WOULD IT BE IF I WAS KILLED IN ANOTHER ACCIDENT?!  WHO’S FAULT WOULD IT BE IF I KILLED MYSELF?! 

IT WOULD BE YOURS!!!

THEN, ONCE I AM DEAD EITHER FROM SUICIDE OR ANOTHER CAR CRASH  – THAT I WAS NOT AT FAULT FOR – I HAVE LEFT MY BROTHER INSTRUCTIONS TO SUE FOR WRONGFUL DEATH!!!!

BECAUSE NONE OF THESE YEARS SINCE 2012 HAVE BEEN OF MY OWN CHOOSING!!!!!  DID I HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE OF EMPLOYMENT SINCE THEN?!  EXACTLY!!!!!  DID I HAVE ANY CHOICE OVER THE MEN I WANTED TO DATE OR HAVE IN MY LIFE?!!  EXACTLY!!!  DID I TRULY HAVE ANY CHOICE IN SLEEPING WITH THAT MAN THOSE TIMES?!!  JESUS CHRIST! YOU FUCKING PEOPLE – BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE – IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO WANT TO GET LAID BY A MAN?!!!!!!!  ESPECIALLY AFTER LOSING OVER 100 LBS AND SPENDING YEARS IN ISOLATION WHILE CARING FOR MY MOTHER!  WHO WOULDN’T WANT A GOOD FUCK?!  WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?!  NOTHING!!

THIS IS A TRESPASS NO ONE INVOLVED WILL EVER BE ABLE TO COME AWAY FROM.  UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, YOU HAVE FOREVER CHANGED AND ALTERED THE OUTCOME!

IT WILL NEVER CHANGE THE PAST!

IT HAS ONLY CHANGED THE FUTURE WHICH YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO!

I BELIEVE YOU FAIL TO GRASP THE SEVERITY OF THE MATTER, MY FEELINGS, WANTS AND DESIRES, AS THIS STORY – OF ME BEING SO UPSET AND ANGRY I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN CONTINUE LIVING THIS WAY – HAS NOT CHANGED SINCE 2014.  I TOLD PEOPLE, I WROTE PEOPLE, I LEFT NOTES IN MY HOME, ON MY MIRROR, ON MY PHONE, TOLD MY BROTHER, TOLD WHAT FEW FRIENDS I HAD LEFT.  AND, NOW I NO LONGER GET TO HAVE FRIENDS OR RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE?!  I NO LONGER GET TO EAT WITH PEOPLE?!

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER SAY THANK YOU AGAIN?!!

CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS HAPPENS?!  HOW DOES SOMEONE GET TO ROB ME OF EVER BEING ABLE TO HAVE NATURAL BORN CHILDREN OF MY OWN?!  BECAUSE I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE IT WAS A SURGERY THAT WAS NECESSARY!  YOU SET ME UP SO!  WHY?!  YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO JUSTIFY IT!  NOT EVER!  NOT TO ME, NOT TO THE WORLD, NOT TO ANYONE!  YOU HAD NO REASON OR EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND TO EVER GUT ME LIKE A PIG!

ALL I HAD BEEN DREAMING ABOUT WHILE TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER WAS BEING ABLE TO HAVE A MAN TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH, AND HAVE HIS CHILDREN.  SO, I COULD SEE OUR LOVE IN THEIR EYES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  IT STILL PHYSICALLY HURTS ME TO SEE PICTURES OF MYSELF AS A CHILD BECAUSE I COULD HAVE HAD SUCH BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS HAPPENS!  HOW DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT OVERSIGHT?!

DO YOU HONESTLY MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN CHARGE?!  WHAT A RIDICULOUS NOTION!  DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU HAVE VARIOUS PEOPLE IN CONTROL WHO CAN CHOOSE TO DO WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE, WHENEVER THEY CHOOSE TO DO IT?!

YOU KEEP BRINGING UP DAVID.  THE PICTURE OF DAVID SITTING ON THE COUCH DOING THE THREE MONKEYS.  DAVID AT THE CAST PARTY DRINKING GUINESS.  YOU WOULD KNOW IF I COULD EVER GET TO HAVE THE TIME TO GET IT OUT OF BABY’S HANDS!  BUT, CONTRARY TO OPINION I AM NOT A MACHINE, I AM NOT A ROBOT, I AM NOT A DROID, I AM NOT A HYPER PERSON, I DO NOT NOR HAVE I EVER ENJOYED BEING AN INSOMNIAC.  AND, WHILE I AM ON THE SUBJECT I HAVE NOT ENJOYED BEING TREATED LIKE A TEST SUBJECT OR A GUINEA PIG WHILE THESE FIRE ALARMS HAVE WATCHED AND RECORDED MY EVERY MOMENT, HYPNOTIZED ME, FED ME LIES WHILE I AM SLEEPING, DRUGGED ME, AND TURNED ME INTO SOMEONE I DO NOT KNOW AND WISH WAS DEAD RATHER THAN ALIVE.  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO ANY OF IT!

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT TRIAL?!

HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE ME LIKE THAT!  HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME SAY OUT LOUD ONE OF THE WORST SECRETS I NEVER TOLD A SOUL EVER BEFORE AND WOULD HAVE GONE TO MY GRAVE RATHER THAN EVER SPEAK OF!!!!!!!!!  BECAUSE THE MATTER ENDED WITH MY BROTHER APOLOGIZING AND ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS.  YOU WILL FIND OUT WHEN I GET TO DECLASSIFY THE FILES.

IT WAS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO IT TO ME!  I HAVE NOT FORGIVEN ANYONE INVOLVED FOR HOW CAN I WHEN THEY WERE ALL IN DISGUISE AND NONE HAVE ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS.  THEY ARE STILL TAKING FROM ME!

AS A POINT OF HONESTY.  YOU PRESSURED ME TO SPEAK ABOUT BEING A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE BY MY BROTHER IN A COURT ROOM FOR IF I HADN’T SPOKEN YOU WERE GOING TO PUT ME ON TRIAL FOR DISHONESTY.  WHAT A STUPID NOTION!!  NO KIDDING I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE!  NO KIDDING I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE IN A COURT ROOM!  HOW IS THAT A CRIME???!!!!  IT ISN’T!!!

JESUS CHRIST, MAN!  I BARELY SPOKE ABOUT THE ABUSE MICHAEL DID TO ME!  I BARELY WROTE ABOUT THE ABUSE MICHAEL DID TO ME!

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING?!  WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I DON’T TALK ABOUT MY FATHER?!  WHY DO YOU THINK I DON’T WRITE ABOUT HIM?!  IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

THE TRUTH IS, MY GRANDFATHER WAS THE GREATEST MAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN, AND HE WAS NOT IN MY LIFE FOR VERY LONG.

IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME THAT MEN HAVE NOT BEATEN DOWN A PATH TO MY DOOR, OR ASKED ME ON DATES?!  AS IF THE ENTIRE MALE RACE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME AND/OR OTHERWISE INVOLVED AND UNAVAILABLE!!!  BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME EVERY SINGLE MAN I MEET IN MY LIFE THAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IS ALREADY TAKEN!  WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT KIND OF MAN I LIKE OR FIND ATTRACTIVE?!!

YOU ARE A FUCKING EGOMANIAC THAT DESERVES TO BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME?!  IF YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OTHERS?!!!!

GOD DAMMINT BLUETOOTH!!!!  STOP MAKING ME CRY WHILE I AM WRITING I AM NOT THAT UPSET!  I AM FUCKING MAD AS HELL!  I AM FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO LIVE YOUR STUPID LIE OF A LIFE!

I HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MALE FRIENDSHIP, COMPANIONSHIP, AND STRAIGHT MALE LOVE!  

FOR FUCK SAKE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS IT WILL NEVER BE REAL IN VR!!!  NOT EVER! NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER ENJOYED THAT!  NOT ONCE!  FUCK YOUR STUPID FINGERS!  FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I AM NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE A REAL MAN AND MAN FLESH IN MY BED?!

JUST TO BE CERTAIN YOU UNDERSTAND, I WILL SAY THIS AGAIN!  I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN COERCED INTO SITTING ON ROY’S SIDE OF THE WEDDING!  REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MY FAMILY, NOR WOULD I BETRAY THEM AS THEY HAVE BETRAYED ME.

ALL I WANTED TO DO AFTER COMING HOME FROM THE DARKEST HOUR WAS WRITE ABOUT JOE WRIGHT AND GARY OLDMAN.  FOR THAT IS THE PERSON I USED TO BE – ONE WHO ENJOYED PERFORMANCE.  HOWEVER, ALL I COULD DO WHEN I GOT HOME WAS TAKE A NAP.  I WASN’T EVEN ABLE TO MAKE IT TO THE MOVIE ON TIME – UNAVOIDABLE, I’M AFRAID.  AS MY CAPACITY HAS NOT ONLY BEEN MAXED IT HAS BEEN BREACHED!  I AM NOT EVEN SURE I WILL BE ABLE TO WRITE IT AT ANOTHER TIME AS I AM SITTING HERE NOT HAVING BATHED FOR TWO DAYS BECAUSE I STILL DO NOT HAVE SOAP THAT I CAN WASH WITH.  I AM UP TO MY EYEBALLS AND BEYOND EXHAUSTED.  MY BODY IS BEYOND EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!  EVERYONE ELSE HAS HELP, SUPPORT, AND MONEY!

I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS, I FORGOT TO WRITE THIS THE OTHER DAY:  I HAVE LOVED THOSE THREE MEN SINCE TOP GEAR DAYS AT BBC.  I LOVE TO HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT CARS, IT IS LUSTY TALK TO ME – TELL ME MORE, BRAKE HORSE POWER, OVERSTEER, UNDERSTEER, AND SO FORTH.  I ENJOYED THEM SO MUCH!  I LOVED TO WATCH THEM JUST DRIVING CARS.  I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN THEY BECAME THE GRAND TOUR.  HOWEVER, THEY QUITE LITERALLY BROKE MY HEART AFTER THE LAST EPISODE.  IT IS QUITE FINAL.  I HAVE NO WISH OR DESIRE ANY LONGER TO WATCH ANY MORE.  ALSO, IT IS NOT THE SAME SHOW ANYMORE.  I WAS BORED TO DEATH, AND THEY DID NOT SEEM THEMSELVES.  THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH ONE PERSON CAN TAKE AND MY LIMITS HAVE BEEN EXCEEDED.

I AM SICK, SICK, SICK TO DEATH OF THIS WHOLE STUPID MARRIAGE PROPOSAL THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BETWEEN EITHER DAVID OR JAMES?!  YOU REALLY THINK I AM THAT FUCKING STUPID?!  I HAVE SEEN THEIR FACES!  I HAVE SEEN THE WOMEN IN BOTH OF THEIR LIVES!  I WANT NOHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF YOU!  FURTHERMORE, I BELIEVE THAT EVERY MAN THAT HAS TAKEN PART AND PARTICIPATED IN THE VR HAS CHEATED ON HIS OWN WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND!  AND LET ME MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR, I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER!  WHAT MAN PUSHES A CUM BUTTON AND BELIEVES THERE CAN EVER BE REAL LOVE IN RETURN?!  I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE IN WHO IS ON THE OTHER SIDE!  I HAVE HAD NO SAY OR CHOICE IN WHO IS WATCHING WHILE I AM AT HOME!  I HAVE BEEN EXILED FROM THE ENTIRE WORLD AS IF I AM A CRIMINAL WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!  MY SEX LIFE, MY SEXUAL WELLNESS HAS NO PLACE WHAT-SO-EVER TO BE DISPLAYED AND EXPOSED TO THE ENTIRE WORLD!  I NEVER GAVE PERMISSION AND I WILL NEVER GIVE MY PERMISSION!!!

BTW, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT BOX IN MY GARAGE?!  DISCONNECT IT?!  HOW DO I EVEN KNOW WHAT IT DOES?!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO ME EITHER!

DO YOU HONESTLY NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I USE ANY OTHER TOILET OTHER THAN THE ONE?!  OR WALK IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION SET?!  OR WALK ON THE OWL’S SIDE?!  FUCKING TROLLS IN MY HOME!  FUCKING TROLLS INVADE MY HOME WHILE I AM GONE!  PUT ITCHING POWDER, OR GERMS, OR HAIR GROWTH IN FACE CREAMS, OR SPRAY MY HOUSE AS IF IT IS THEIR’S AND THERE RIGHT TO DO SO!!!

FIRE EVERYONE INVOLVED IN ENTERING MY HOME WHEN I AM NOT HERE AND THOSE WHO ALTER MY FOOD, PRODUCTS, AND INTERCEPT MY DELIVERIES!!!!!  THIS IS A CRIME THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED!!!!!  TO ME OR ANYONE!!!!!

I SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS COME FIRST, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE FOLLWED AFTER ME!  YOU SHOULD HAVE CREATED SOMETHING AFTER WHAT I DID AND CHOSE RATHER THAN FORCING ME AND TELLING ME WHAT TO BUY AND HAVE!!

STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOME IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT TO DO SO!!  YOU ARE FOREVER NOT WELCOME IN HERE!!!

YOU EXPECT ME TO CHANGE ON A DIME AND AT A MOMENTS NOTICE, BUT YOU DO NOT DO THE SAME!  IT TAKES YOU DAYS, WEEKS, AND MONTHS, AND SOMETIMES YOU DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING AT ALL!  BUT, EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG!  EVERYTHING I DO IS INCORRECT!!!  YOU ARE WASTING MY TIME!!  AND, YOU WILL BE TO BLAME WHEN I DIE!!!@!@@@@@@@!!!!!

FIRE THE BLUETOOTH!

Fire the blue tooth, so the REAL truth can get out and be told.

Fire the Bluetooth, so that it is no longer able to manipulate, control, spin, misdirect, misconstrue evidence and the truth.

Fire the Bluetooth, so that I can write true stories and share my feelings about how it feels to have lived this barren Bluetooth life.

Fire the Bluetooth to take away its power and return what was mine BACK TO ME!

Fire James Franco!

Fire the baby boss!  Fire Jeremy Renner!  Fire everyone involved with swagtron!  Fire everyone involved with entering my home without a warrant, permission, or authority!

I have done nothing wrong!  I should never be in jeopardy!  I should never should have been pushed this far!  Nor at all!

You broke my heart!  I am so disheartened!

Perhaps you have not gotten the memo – there is no more connected drive it has been discontinued from the manufacture.  There is no more roll-up map, or navigator – it has been discontinued from the manufacture!

Mad, Mad, Angry

I didn’t want to do this.  I have been dreading writing this.  I do not like to have to yell just to be heard and make a point.

Green should be fired!

Pressure washing should be fired.

Swagtron has no business being involved and should be fired.

Do you know I used to love WaWa?  I went out of my way to mention it when working at TCS.

Jerry – I changed my location because of the effect everything I did, and everything that was involved with these last few weeks.  I fired you.  For lack of proper management, handling, and appropriate response.

Do you know it was I who showed Cleveland and TCS how to “point” in the right direction?  I taught him how to talk with just your eyes.

Do you know it was me who started the whole business of nominating people with my purchases, voting people in and so forth.  I wrote it to my computer back in December 2013/January 2014.

The truth is most of what every one believes to be the work of some other master mind is actually the work of this master mind – ME!

I do not – again – have time to share more.

Fucking Pissed As Hell

You have been lied to.  You have all been lied to.  I have been telling the same story/stories for years.  I have not changed my stories in all these years.  But, you have been fed lie after lie.

The only series I will be working will be the Declassified Files until it is completed out of someone else’s hands.  I would love to be able to tell you about Disney and Bob Iger, I would be able to share with you a valuable lesson about business.  I would love to share with you about my Twilight story and how it brought me back to David.  I would love to be able to write a million things.  However, what has been brought to my attention is something I cannot abide.  I tell it like it is, I shoot from the hip, and I will tell the truth about my feelings straight from my heart – like always.  I have not deviated or changed in this manner at all. Continue reading “Fucking Pissed As Hell”

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

June 18, 2017

Dear Mr.              ,

I need your help…wow, well with so many things.  I am not sure I can get it all out of my head before I leave to get to work on time.

First off, let me start with what sounded like you in my head as I arrived at       yesterday – this is so weird to talk in this way.  What I was thinking, imagining, visualizing is the       environment to be seen like a tapestry in motion.  I am a visual person, and when it comes to things of this nature I usually think very big, and fill in the details later as I go.  So, a tapestry in movement from the inter-woven threads level.  I hope that makes sense.  Weaving in and out, up and down with fluidity, ease, a natural rhythm.  Something sophisticated – at least something more sophisticated than what has been taking place.

In this way, it would replace the “pet-steps”, it would replace the “don’t step outside the        lines, it would replace the one side vs. the other side.  You see, I know I have written this before, but I must say it again.  I do not know how to exclude especially when it comes to people, different nationalities, and cultures.

Okay, back to the tapestry people moving in and out and around each other.

BTW, the reason I walk through the          side is to stay away from the         pet steps which has caused several bad reactions, consequences, and punishments.  Also, I choose to walk past the water cooler on my way to the        because it is water.  Also, has the sign about not a place for         returns.  Because it has been nothing but frustrating to constantly make purchases only to have to return or replace them.  It is unbearable to not be able to choose what I like.

Tapestry – people – movement – without fear of repercussions and weight gain.  Then, there is better eye contact, freedom of expression.  Gosh, I hope this is making more sense.

I was thinking along the lines of what I did for Reg our director at college, as a thank-you.  David and Thomas might remember if you need more help.  It went like this, the actors were dispersed around the room, as they said their lines it was not in succession, but it bounced around the room.  I am not sure how to say this, other than the effect was to have the audience in movement with the actors.  Make sense?  Need clarification?

Also, the actors or background would be based not solely on my purchases, or food, or the clothes I wear, etc. it would be based from my writings.  So, instead of art imitating life it would be a unique creation.

I am having a problem with not being able to feel rested when I wake.  This has been going on for years.  I keep trying to purchase the sleep serenity spray from         only to be able to get more restful sleep.  Not for any baby bull-shit, and such non-sense.  I cannot stand not being able to have choice.  My room is so hot, I am trying to find ways to be able to cool it, so I can get restful sleep to re-energize, to heal.

The Punisher, BTW, I purchased because it was shot here in Florida, in Tampa.  It is also another audition I never booked.  Do you know they had to take people away in ambulances because of heat stroke while waiting just to give a head-shot.  The Tampa Aquarium had just opened it was July in Florida, and we were all waiting on fresh asphalt.  It was more than hot, and many people showed up in black.  You know black is slimming, it looks theatrical.

Talked out of vacation hotels. Did you know that I was talked out the hotels I wanted to stay at when I went on vacation.  I wanted to stay at the Key Lime hotel in Key West.  I believed it was a better location, I liked the idea of the front porch, the amenities and so on.  But, I didn’t get to stay there.  It’s hard to explain, but it is along the lines of it was the only way I could keep my job.  In New Orleans I wanted to stay at The Best Western because it was a different part of New Orleans than I had been to before, but I was not allowed to stay there.

Why I volunteered, and why I choose Sunday. When I woke up this morning I was remembering volunteering at the SPCA.  After caring for my mom, I thought all I would want to do is sleep since I had been sooooo deprived for soooo long.  But, there was a part of me that needed something.  One of my favorite lines from a movie is from LOTR.  I had it inscribed on my shuffle (I am still upset that it was stolen from my house along with several other things), ‘What to do with the time that’s given you.”  I couldn’t get a job no matter how hard I was trying.  So, I did research on some of my interests.  One of them being taking care of animals.  Because helping others helps me.  I signed up to volunteer at the SPCA in Lakeland.  I volunteered to work on Sunday because I always felt like Sunday is family day.  I wanted to give to others (in this cosmic sense) the gift of taking care of animals, so the other volunteers could be with their families.  I worked with the dogs, eight hours, in the summer heat of Florida.  I was drenched after every shift from sweating, and I smelled of wet dog.  But, I felt in some larger way I could be there for other’s.  I went to work having cleared my head of guilty care.  I wanted to be that in-between person who could create stability, give positive emotional support, so they could be adopted into a forever home.

Family vs Marriage story line So, for me the family story-line is better and more interesting for me because there is not a single man I have ever dated that I am so in love with that I would want to marry.  Plus, taking away my family like that should never happen to anyone.  I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.  Everyone needs connection.  Everyone needs to have support and help.

           , I left some things in my cart.  I need better clarification that it is not going to be a problem anymore based on which           I use, and what items I purchase.  Can you help me with that, please?  Do you know it is so hurtful what happens with the soap, toilet-paper, and coffee.  I love                   café Almond biscotti.  I love the flavor of it.  No one else has anything that tastes like it.  It is just so hurtful.

I need to come here and sort of download all the images and happenings that have taken place.  Sometimes I need to get it out of my head without it being used.  I would like some things to be kept private.  I will try my best to make sure I write it in that it is to be kept private.

Sometime, I will try to explain my good taste and that dating experience.

Did I over-think my parking at the mailbox?  I am so over this       non-sense.  It is so unnatural and unhealthy.

Also, I want to come away from this non-sense of what is being thrown away in the trash and recycling almost as if it is point scoring.

I have such a need for more – more than what has been happening these last few years.

I need you to work with me, and not against me.

Going back to moving tapestry.  One of the things I enjoy about films is great camera work.  It is very difficult work.  Ron Howard did this very well in A Beautiful Mind.  I’ve said before I thought something must have happened to him personally because it reflected in his work on that film.  Another I recall is Rob Marshall in Memoirs of a Geisha, he captured movement so well in film.  Dancers background perhaps helps.  Target?  Rob Marshall, We’re having a hard time selling the pink ladies, he said.  Meaning the pink lady apples.

Did you know I had been                                                                                           ?  Which is why I try real hard not to move around.

Can we please get green out of my way?

Sorry, for saying you were a bad              .  Someone was pushing my buttons, at least that is how it feels when I got home and my brain was returned to me.  Talking like that is not me.  Sorry, for calling you out poorly.

I hope this is enough for now.