Entertaining In My Living Room

Let me write this quick before I forget it, and as mentioned in an earlier post I am not sure if this was edited out in a previous journal.

One of the many jobs my mother had –  she usually had several jobs – was as an exchange student co-ordinator.  My father would teach the English classes.  Since, it was summer I tagged along as a do-everything-else-that-needed-to-be-done person.  I believe this summer we had several groups of students at one time.

One evening after a very long day of students, and English classes somehow it was myself, my mother, and the tour escort in the living room.  My mother turned to me and asked me how the day went.  However, what she said was take over I’ve had more than I can do and I need a break.  It’s one of those unspeakable’s you learn from your family – how to speak without words.

That was all it took, and I was off.  Like a switch that went from off to on.  Snap.  I have no idea what I said.  I know I mentioned something about a hot-dog.  There was a quirk I said about aliens just because I knew it would get a laugh.  I may not remember the exact words, but I remember their faces in constant laughter.  The tour escort spoke good English, but I know she couldn’t have understood every word I spoke.  Something’s go beyond words.  Snap.  The switch turned off.  I turned to look at the kitchen clock, it had been nearly two hours that I had been on.

This is who I used to be.  This is the place I used to live.  For so much more can be accomplished through willingness and laughter.

My Family Does Not Include You

Just coffee for breakfast, somehow I have lost my appetite.  I am on my second pot of barley palatable coffee, and what’s the point of eating when it is packed full of so many calories that my stomach is heavy and bloated.  Fucking fix this shit, man!  What a waste of time!

Do you know one of the things I used to help myself lose weight was drinking coffee?  I found the acidity in coffee made me eat breakfast, so that I was not going an entire day without eating, or living off of one meal a day.  Eating more often kept my metabolism working as it should.

My mind is full of everything I have and need to get done.  My mind has written a half a dozen or more new posts between this morning and now, however writing it out takes time.  As I was reminded last night, I went to see The Darkest Hour which made me want to share what I had seen in the film along with other mentionables.  But, by the time I got home both my mind and body broke down.  A literal body meets the floor.  Boom!  Down.  Asleep.

Do you know it is a bad sign when I am late?  This has been misunderstood.  This has been a lie that I am a person that is late, however if you were to pay attention and listen carefully I have mentioned, written, and said many times it is a misunderstanding when I am late.

I could barely get out of bed to go see The Darkest Hour.  it probably has something to do with the fact that I had been working more than 60 hours a week.  It is not as if I am sitting at a desk working 60 hours a week.  I am throwing around 90 pound bags of dog food for 12 hours a day,  You try working 12 hours a day throwing 90 pound bags of dog food without eating or drinking water.  Let’s see how long you last.  So, I was late, and unable to mindfully write what was in my head at the theater in time.

I am still working on writing a piece about The Darkest Hour, but the mind and body have to work together.  One cannot function without the other.  A brain in a glass jar cannot lift dog food.  A body does not function without a brain.  Got it?!

Such smart people doing the dumbest things all around me!

I don’t know how else to say this other than to just say it.  People are not food.  People are more than the clothes they wear.  People are more than the countries they are from.  People are more than the size of their bodies.  People are more than the products they use.  I MUST have variety, taste, and good flavor the first time, or I will probably flay my own skin for relief.

I am ending this with or without you because in case you missed it, I have stopped paying attention to you.  Place another person wearing a t-shirt, or color, or something in front of me and I am NOT going to change my mind, or alter my decision, or course.  I am too broke and poor to have to keep replacing and buying new products.  I am too OVER trying to figure my food and purchases out.  Continue, and I will only ignore you as I have been doing for weeks now.  It is a useless waste of energy, it is uncreative, it is a pointless use of talent.  Understand I am being kind at the moment and quite restrained.

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

July 4, 2017

               ,

I am running out of time to get everything out I need to say to you!  Because this situation has become impossible!  I cannot get everything out and done in a 24 hr time frame.

I need to tell you the greatest problem with the “race” business is it has a limited time frame.  It is a program that can only sustain itself for a few months.  This has been going on for years.

The time to think about the end to all if this is now.

The gates need to be fixed.  I will have to tell you more later.

I woke up this morning and by belly feels heavy and hard.  My whole body feels heavy.  Bloated.  Heavy.  Miserable.  Depressed.  Unhappy.  Sick.  Grossly unhappy.

Creative control.

The last time I used a restroom with a            in front of the toilet it was a huge problem.  I need better understanding that you are not trying to trick or harm me.

BTW, I hate              .  It is not a motivator at all.

I have to go!

Cherith J Gjestland

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

Drive, Drive, Drive, And Drive Some More – it’s dated 3/13/2016 – however, much of my writings have been altered and hacked by others I do not know if this date is correct.

Here I was under the impression that David knew me best and would want the best for me.  I’m just now starting to understand that is not true or correct.

I do know, I would never treat him the way he has treated me.

I would never in a million years dream of going out of my way to hurt or harm him or anyone he cared for either.

It was a mistake going to that produce place as it has been a mistake every time I’ve tried to reach out to him in the last several years.  A person should not feel full after eating a few bites of fruits or vegetables.  I was not trying to reach out to him by buying produce there.  I was trying to protect myself.

Seems I am never able to win when trying to protect myself having to be in these circumstances beyond my control.

He did give me            , however the rest associated with him and the harm he has caused me.  I just would never have gone out of my way to hurt him the way he has hurt and humiliated me.

I love him enough as a friend to want the very best for him.  It still surprises me how little of that is reciprocated.

This evening I was remembering the different times Rick changed.  When he was in the break room talking angrily about his hip replacement – he was a different Rick.

Walking to my car Rick and Marvin were watching the water sprinklers – he was a different Rick.

I think the time Rick was merchandising shoe boxes talking about the football player who was in the store with Cristina by referencing men who wear earrings about talking about how he doesn’t watch gossip television – that was a different Rick.

When Rob stood on one side of me and Rick stood on the right side of me – that was a different Rick.

Or more correctly, they were all the same Rick’s the other times they were different.  Just a guess.  I never smelled smoke.

For me it is rather pointless remembering these changes when I am struggling so much just to hang on.

I’ll stop eating food, I guess and going to the store.  It seems to be the only answer I can find.

So much bad done to me.  I am having such a hard time knowing what to do with all the bad in my life, then how to find a place to put the bad away in my headspace.

Still shock at how much I do not remember about that trip in Nov/Dec 2014.  Starving to death I remember.  Not being able to find decent shelter or afford decent shelter – I remember.  Not being able to do anything other than drive, drive, drive and drive so more – I remember.  Feeling like someone had altered every piece of clothing making terrible judgement calls on my character to the point I had to throw them all away and have nothing not even a bra to wear – I remember.

I don’t remember any scenery.  I don’t remember the way the sky looked or colors in the setting sun or anything one would normally remember while driving.

So much bad done to me beyond my control and I not only don’t know how I am going to get better, I don’t know if it is even possible to get better.

 

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

July 27, 2017

Edison -or-whatever-your-fucking-name-really-is,

You fucking lousy lay!

You worthless child-brat of a man!

Do you honestly think for one moment I cared for you in any way?!  I was only with you to prove to David Kahit Wolfe that I was not a threat.  So, he would stop following me and having me watched!

At the very sound of your voice, I exclaimed, OH MY GOD SHUT UP!!

We were never a match in any way!

It was nothing more than a set-up!

I saw the look of fear in your false eyes when you saw the look in my eye when I saw David Kahit Wolfe sitting there at Panera.

Do you think for one moment it was you that made me funny that could for one second could ever make me laugh?!

You are the very reason I had to stop dating because of your treacherous deceit!  There is not a chance I could ever let an experience like that happen AGAIN!!!!

IT WAS NEVER YOU!!!  YOU STUPID USELESS FUCK OF A MAN!!!!!!!!!

Not a fucking chance I ever want to see you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to hear you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to know of your existence again!!!

I am by far the greater person!

I am by far of woman of so much better worth than a man like you should ever have been allowed to be involved, around, or anywhere near me, or my life – EVER!!!!

You think you made me?!  You think you made me into something?!

It was ONLY because of David Wolfe.

I want you removed from every part of my life permanently!

You disgusting, ugly worthless man!

YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You stay the fuck off my computer!  You stay the fuck off my internet!

YOU FUCKING MANIPULATIVE FUCK!!!!!!

You weaseled your way into my life!  You weaseled your way into a fucking job!

If I hadn’t been trying to make a point to David Kahit Wolfe I would NEVER have gone out with you!

Oh yeah, and by the fucking way after my first meeting with you I never wanted to see you again!  I was fucking manipulated, and mind-tricked into the entire experience of you!

I would rather die than EVER see you in or out of your stupid, fucking disguise!

I don’t care who the fuck you are!

I don’t care anything about you!

I never cared about you!

If you didn’t have David Wolfe telling me to get a seat I would never have sat the fuck down!

You are the most disgusting mongrel!

Stay away!  Stay out of my life!  Never come anywhere near me again!

Cherith J Gjestland

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

Dear Shia LaBeouf,

Meeting at a frozen yogurt shop, I was so very late.   I was rather surprised since all my other previous dates had been chubby or padded, you were fit.  You had an unusual face – chipmunk cheeks.  I tried to explain the reason for my lateness by means of going to the wrong location which is true.

What I did not explain – how could I explain – that I knew I was being followed there.  The real reason for my lateness.  The real reason why I have been continually late for so long now is simply this: how do I explain that I am being followed and monitored and I do not understand why.  Can you possibly imagine how that can mess with a person’s head?  I can’t even now explain it other than to say my head has become this swirling mess of un-understandables.

Greeted you with a hug and tried to have a conversation with you, my date.  However, nothing made sense.  Your profile, your texts, meeting you and your conversation.  So, as much as I enjoyed just speaking with you when the date ended I did not give you a hug good-bye, nor did I give any polite, I’ll call you nonsense.  In my gut, there was something wrong, and I couldn’t understand what it was.  It was all off.

Did you know I went to Target afterward?  I couldn’t just return home because it was all so off.  I bought two wigs, I’m not quite sure why.  I guess I felt the need to be someone else, someone who wasn’t going to be followed.  I remember walking to the front to check out, and the man walking in opposite direction from me checking out the contents of my cart.  It did not feel as if it was an accident, he was purposefully making note of my purchases.

I am sorry you had to wait so long for me to show up.  It was kind of you to patiently wait for me.  I did enjoy our conversation and the ease of speaking with you.  However, nothing added up correctly.

I hope in some small way understanding my perspective might be helpful.

It was lovely to meet you.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Cherith Gjestland

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

Dear Mr. James Franco,

You no idea the harm you have caused me.

Please listen carefully.  I never wish to see you, hear from you, know you, or in any other way ever be associated with you ever again!

I regret meeting you on the monorail that day.  How carefully set-up that was.  I knew I was being watched and followed which led me to the monorail with you in it.  You were obviously not a tourist, or a Floridian, so I asked you if you were going to work.  Because what else would someone like you be doing on the monorail?

I am not your black hole!!  It will NEVER be right again!  And, I will never be ok again!

I am not your cat, or dog, or horse, or pet of any kind!

We are not now, nor will we ever be in the future, friends.  You were a co-worker once who fell asleep in front of me, and nothing more.

You set me up on the worst dating experience of my life!  You had to watch from the other side of glass because you were already not available.  Because you didn’t want to be the one in the room.  Because you couldn’t speak to me face to face.

Let me begin with this, I never want to see you again.  I never want to hear from you, to know about you, or in any other way be connected, tied, or associated with you.

You will never be able to begin to heal the hurt that you have caused!  Years later and I am still not okay!  You, lying sack of shit!

I wish there was something more meaningful that I could take away from this experience, but you’ve left me void of emotions other than complete shame.

How dare you come to me          saying your head should rest on my chest.  I don’t know you!  I don’t want to know you!  Then, I have women constantly making sexual overtures at me because of you!  You’ve made me despise my own sex just to get away from you!

I feel you have raped my mind, body, and soul for your financial profits.  I am not in a better place having known you.

I am not your secret code agent!

I want to be able to breathe again!

Let’s get something straight right now, you did not teach me to paint!  I painted long before I ever knew you.

Fuck you with your beards vs. moustaches, with your men vs. woman!  Fuck you for not allowing me the freedom of choice, and the freedom to eat and need in life!  Fuck you with your hard vs. soft!  Fuck you with your baby bullshit making me gain weight and bulk!  Fuck you with your making me wear diapers!  Fuck you with your driving game!  Fuck you with your utter lack of respect for me as a person, as an individual, as a woman and not a child, as a competent, talented, and good enough without having to change for any man, woman!  Fuck you for not listening to me.

Do you know having been imprisoned here – since I am no longer able to live in my own home – I have given up on all dreams for my future, for planning my life, given up on all desires including men, writing, or anything I have ever done in the arts.  How could you possibly think you could have a positive effect on me?!  Turning me into some sort of pet project, making me change every single thing about myself including the color of my own skin?!

I would say I am disenchanted with you, but it goes well beyond that.  I cannot believe the years I have wasted my life being forced to believe that it was real.  Playing along that you were real when all along you and everything along with you is simply unavailable, to be polite.

Did you think that just because I shook hands with a celebrity – you – that I would fall down in ecstasy?!  That I would be so flattered I would wet myself?!

You are the biggest egoist I have ever known!

No matter what anyone says to me.  No matter what anyone will say to me it was not you, nor will it ever be you.

We live in different worlds and that is how it should be.  You should live and stay in your world.  I am happy for you that you are successful and happy in your life.  However, I want you to know I do not wish for our worlds to ever collide again.

You have no idea what you have done to me, nor do you care how I am treated.  I think it must be impossible for you to think beyond your ego.

I am tired of going to the window for you!  I am tired of the direction you take me!

In my mind, I have punched your face a thousand times for everything you have taken from me, for everything I no longer am, for the unbearable humiliation and shame I must endure because of you.

I am trying so hard to remain civil, however I want to scream at the top of my lungs about the hurt and humiliation you’ve caused.

I am not now nor will I be in love or care for you at all.

Soft, does not, nor has it ever opened this box.

You fucking asshole!

I don’t care about the TiVo commercial, or WDW expo audition that I didn’t book.

You stay away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think I would be flattered, or think it was real speaking to you at Disney on the phone while you spoke of your wife?!  Did you actually think I could deceive myself into thinking that you and I would ever be real?!  Nothing more than a stupid metaphor and story line for me to follow along with.

You had to threaten me with losing my      in order to fake-believe in you, or turn your direction.  What does that say about you?  The fake dates, and you think you can or should be able to teach me something?!

You owe me more than an apology.  You WILL do right by me which is not a direction, and this is not a request.  What you have taken from me, from my life, from my very soul you will NEVER be able to replace, or repair.

If the only way that you are able to correct the problem is to never come near me again, or ever be involved with anything in my life again – YOU WILL DO IT!

I have not nor will I ever shed a tear for you!

You are a terrible woman!

None of this should come as a surprise to you.  I have been saying this through my computers, and phones for years now!

The state of depression that I am in is because of you.  Drugging me, medicating me, hurting me all for the sake of your ego alone!

How is it my mother died?!  You fucking asshole?!

Making me live this way for your benefit alone.  How deceitful and cowardly you are.

There is nothing more I wish to say to you.  There is nothing you could ever say to me that will ever make it okay.

You left me unable to ever have children again, and a scar that always hurts.

You left me without the freedom of choice all because I believed in a man that was not you.

I will forgive you.  I will forgive you for my benefit.  I do not want this deceit and hurt to define the rest of my life.

I wish you nothing but the best.

I will not forget.

Cherith Gjestland

 

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

June 27, 2017

Dear Mr.               ,

I feel like drinking a pot of coffee, and all the bacon and sausage I can find.  Throw in some eggs and fruit too, please.  But, I wouldn’t normally be so hung up on meat if it hadn’t been for all of this (no special coded word just talking is all).  How about you?  I imagine you sleep and eat better than me.

I am a little worried.  All this open house business.  I cannot figure anything out anymore.  Too many trixies.  Lemons are bad now?  My laundry detergent?  The dryer?

Please, I am not in love at all.  I just have to say that, so that when I go to       I am not made to feel dumb or naïve.

Here is what I understood from watching.  Green was         up.  I heard while driving that you were unaware of all the happenings and dirty tricks that were being played.  I still do not believe this.  Everyone had to know and be a part in it.  Which left me with being unable to trust anyone.  It is hard for me to distinguish between actors playing a part to “rile me up” and real conversations and help.

I need to tell you – there is a difference between small and subtle.  Small works for me.  Subtle does not work as it is too easy to be misinterpreted.

There has been a lot written and said about my caring for my mother, but the other truth is while caring for my mother, I was also taking care of my father.  I paid his bills, took care of his finances, made sure he went to the doctor which meant I made him go to the doctor and dentist, and so much more.

I feel a little like Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone.  The place it takes me to write, it takes a while to get there, but once I am there it’s hard to stop writing.

Every day there is so much I wish to say to you for understanding and             .  I run out of time every day.

Crispy fried tired and spent.

I want to be free to make my own choices which is why I did not go the way of             since that hasn’t been the case anyway.  Also, for safety alone, I need to walk in the designated            regardless of their color.

Not done, but I have to go.

Please be careful with me.

Take care,

Cherith Gjestland