New Year’s Eve 2012
Sitting side by side with a white-haired old man, drinking and talking politics, I spent New Year’s Eve in a stranger’s backyard as I tried to move on with my life. A phone call from a friend asking if I wanted to spend New Year’s Eve at a small house party. Was I going to get out of this house? Yes? I’ll go.
My hair and make-up – this is an important point because I no longer know how to wear make-up – was done so that I looked my best. Wearing my emerald colored blouse that had a casual sophistication, black leggings to flaunt my gorgeous new body, and ballet-style shoes to keep the look a refined simple elegance, I walked out of my house meeting the gaze of a man on a motorcycle across the street from my house. Who in turn looked like he was in shock.
That looks like David, I thought to myself.
I tried to get a better look at him as I drove by yet, he turned his head as far away from me as he could. Hours later I am in a someone’s backyard drinking and talking with this white-haired old man who suddenly asks me to have lunch with him. As much as I was enjoying the conversation, I was not about to lead this old man on. I did not want him to believe I was after him for his money. Isn’t that usually what happens? An old man with money seeks out a younger woman to show-off his success? It is what I thought at the time.
After midnight, a sort of contest started between this old man and a young kid (he was probably in his twenties which makes him a kid when you are twenty years older than him) about who was going to take me home – in a manner of speaking. I don’t think like a man, so I had no idea what was going on at the time.
This kid was no match for me because I would have won every single argument or conversation. It wasn’t even worth my time to show teacher how uninteresting it is to watch me rule over a man. I was light years smarter, more intellectual, had more experience, more ideas, thoughts about how the world should be, I could go on and on – I think you get my point.
I hope you get the idea.
One, was not a match because he was too old, not how I wanted to spend my time. As an old man’s way of getting back at the world, and making himself feel better. The kid was not a match or interesting because I would have been the one to make every decision, and probably pay for everything too – story of my life. Do you know how many men have used me for free food and drink?! It is so depressing.
Somewhere in the middle of the evening, I took a picture. A quick snap from my phone with my friends on either side of me. Here I am, deflecting my good looks in a self-deprecating way, playing down what could be perceived as intimidating beauty, I stuck my tongue out to the side with playful innocence, and looking out of my eyes to speak flirtatious fun.
Months and months afterwards, I signed up with an on-line site hoping to find a man to love who would love me in return. I used that New Year’s Eve photograph in my profile because it was such a great photo of me. Wish I still had it. However, in the background of the photo, sitting down is that old man. That old man stuck his head in my photo. Why did that old man stick his head in my photograph? I cropped out the old man sitting down with the Maryland crab artwork on the wall.
Before arriving at that New Year’s Eve party, I got the signal from the go-ahead letting me know I was not alone which colors everything for me. My perception, my feelings, my mood. It changes things that I do not understand in each exact moment.
Here I am five years later, I still do not understand why David Wolfe stuck his head in my photograph.