Category: Uncategorized

It is not possible in life to avoid every single neon open sign in a store window.

It is not possible to have a life designed around what business’, shops, street signs, and billboards you drive by.  This has been a complete waste of my time, talent, and energy!  FIRE THE CONNECTED DRIVE, THE RED TAG DRIVING, THE PUZZLE DRIVING, ALL OF IT!  YOU ARE WASTING SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO END BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

I can’t believe I have to write this again, but you have not learned your lesson!  The brain has a capacity for pain, trauma, and stress once it is reached you pass out to protect yourself.  You have caused me to pass out every day with my eyes open, then as soon as I can, I close them so that I can protect myself.

How fucking dare you attempt to tell me you know me better than I know myself!

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU THREATEN ME TO COERCE ME INTO DOING SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHAT I KNOW TO BE BEST FOR ME, TO MAKE ME DRIVE DIFFERENTLY, TO MAKE ME ORDER FOOD DIFFERENTLY, TO MAKE ME DO MORE AND FASTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON WHILE EVERY ONE ELSE GETS TO SLACK OFF, TAKE BREAKS, WALK UP AND DOWN, DO LESS, EARN MORE, AND RECEIVE RECOGNITION AND SUPPORT WHILST I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SAW THAT FUCKING RUNTED BACKPACK SPRAYER!!  NOT FOR A MOMENT AM I EVER GOING BACK TO THAT FUCKING MIDGET THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!  I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN GOING BACK TO 2014.

I WILL NOT MOVE OUT OF THE WAY FOR JAMES FRANCO!!!!  HE CAN MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!  WHAT DID HE THINK THAT HE COULD CUT ME OFF FROM THE ENTIRE WORLD, STARVE ME EMOTIONALLY, KEEP ME AS SOME SEX SLAVE, THEN I MIGHT CONSENT TO SOME RELATIONSHIP OR FEELINGS FOR A MAN THAT I NEVER HAD?!

I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE UNTRUTHFUL, TELL A LIE, OR BREAK UNDER THIS CONSTANT EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, AND PHYSICAL TORTURE!

UNDERSTAND ME CORRECTLY!  I WOULD RATHER DIE!!!  I AM PREPARED TO DIE!  THIS IS NOTHING NEW, I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS, WRITING THIS SINCE 2014!  ARE YOU PREPARED TO WATCH ME DIE, HAVE ME KILLED, PUT ME IN ANOTHER ACCIDENT THAT KILLS ME?!  WHO’S FAULT WOULD IT BE IF I WAS KILLED IN ANOTHER ACCIDENT?!  WHO’S FAULT WOULD IT BE IF I KILLED MYSELF?! 

IT WOULD BE YOURS!!!

THEN, ONCE I AM DEAD EITHER FROM SUICIDE OR ANOTHER CAR CRASH  – THAT I WAS NOT AT FAULT FOR – I HAVE LEFT MY BROTHER INSTRUCTIONS TO SUE FOR WRONGFUL DEATH!!!!

BECAUSE NONE OF THESE YEARS SINCE 2012 HAVE BEEN OF MY OWN CHOOSING!!!!!  DID I HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE OF EMPLOYMENT SINCE THEN?!  EXACTLY!!!!!  DID I HAVE ANY CHOICE OVER THE MEN I WANTED TO DATE OR HAVE IN MY LIFE?!!  EXACTLY!!!  DID I TRULY HAVE ANY CHOICE IN SLEEPING WITH THAT MAN THOSE TIMES?!!  JESUS CHRIST! YOU FUCKING PEOPLE – BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE – IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO WANT TO GET LAID BY A MAN?!!!!!!!  ESPECIALLY AFTER LOSING OVER 100 LBS AND SPENDING YEARS IN ISOLATION WHILE CARING FOR MY MOTHER!  WHO WOULDN’T WANT A GOOD FUCK?!  WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?!  NOTHING!!

THIS IS A TRESPASS NO ONE INVOLVED WILL EVER BE ABLE TO COME AWAY FROM.  UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, YOU HAVE FOREVER CHANGED AND ALTERED THE OUTCOME!

IT WILL NEVER CHANGE THE PAST!

IT HAS ONLY CHANGED THE FUTURE WHICH YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO!

I BELIEVE YOU FAIL TO GRASP THE SEVERITY OF THE MATTER, MY FEELINGS, WANTS AND DESIRES, AS THIS STORY – OF ME BEING SO UPSET AND ANGRY I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN CONTINUE LIVING THIS WAY – HAS NOT CHANGED SINCE 2014.  I TOLD PEOPLE, I WROTE PEOPLE, I LEFT NOTES IN MY HOME, ON MY MIRROR, ON MY PHONE, TOLD MY BROTHER, TOLD WHAT FEW FRIENDS I HAD LEFT.  AND, NOW I NO LONGER GET TO HAVE FRIENDS OR RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE?!  I NO LONGER GET TO EAT WITH PEOPLE?!

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER SAY THANK YOU AGAIN?!!

CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS HAPPENS?!  HOW DOES SOMEONE GET TO ROB ME OF EVER BEING ABLE TO HAVE NATURAL BORN CHILDREN OF MY OWN?!  BECAUSE I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE IT WAS A SURGERY THAT WAS NECESSARY!  YOU SET ME UP SO!  WHY?!  YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO JUSTIFY IT!  NOT EVER!  NOT TO ME, NOT TO THE WORLD, NOT TO ANYONE!  YOU HAD NO REASON OR EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND TO EVER GUT ME LIKE A PIG!

ALL I HAD BEEN DREAMING ABOUT WHILE TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER WAS BEING ABLE TO HAVE A MAN TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH, AND HAVE HIS CHILDREN.  SO, I COULD SEE OUR LOVE IN THEIR EYES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  IT STILL PHYSICALLY HURTS ME TO SEE PICTURES OF MYSELF AS A CHILD BECAUSE I COULD HAVE HAD SUCH BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS HAPPENS!  HOW DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT OVERSIGHT?!

DO YOU HONESTLY MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN CHARGE?!  WHAT A RIDICULOUS NOTION!  DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU HAVE VARIOUS PEOPLE IN CONTROL WHO CAN CHOOSE TO DO WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE, WHENEVER THEY CHOOSE TO DO IT?!

YOU KEEP BRINGING UP DAVID.  THE PICTURE OF DAVID SITTING ON THE COUCH DOING THE THREE MONKEYS.  DAVID AT THE CAST PARTY DRINKING GUINESS.  YOU WOULD KNOW IF I COULD EVER GET TO HAVE THE TIME TO GET IT OUT OF BABY’S HANDS!  BUT, CONTRARY TO OPINION I AM NOT A MACHINE, I AM NOT A ROBOT, I AM NOT A DROID, I AM NOT A HYPER PERSON, I DO NOT NOR HAVE I EVER ENJOYED BEING AN INSOMNIAC.  AND, WHILE I AM ON THE SUBJECT I HAVE NOT ENJOYED BEING TREATED LIKE A TEST SUBJECT OR A GUINEA PIG WHILE THESE FIRE ALARMS HAVE WATCHED AND RECORDED MY EVERY MOMENT, HYPNOTIZED ME, FED ME LIES WHILE I AM SLEEPING, DRUGGED ME, AND TURNED ME INTO SOMEONE I DO NOT KNOW AND WISH WAS DEAD RATHER THAN ALIVE.  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO ANY OF IT!

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT TRIAL?!

HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE ME LIKE THAT!  HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME SAY OUT LOUD ONE OF THE WORST SECRETS I NEVER TOLD A SOUL EVER BEFORE AND WOULD HAVE GONE TO MY GRAVE RATHER THAN EVER SPEAK OF!!!!!!!!!  BECAUSE THE MATTER ENDED WITH MY BROTHER APOLOGIZING AND ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS.  YOU WILL FIND OUT WHEN I GET TO DECLASSIFY THE FILES.

IT WAS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO IT TO ME!  I HAVE NOT FORGIVEN ANYONE INVOLVED FOR HOW CAN I WHEN THEY WERE ALL IN DISGUISE AND NONE HAVE ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS.  THEY ARE STILL TAKING FROM ME!

AS A POINT OF HONESTY.  YOU PRESSURED ME TO SPEAK ABOUT BEING A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE BY MY BROTHER IN A COURT ROOM FOR IF I HADN’T SPOKEN YOU WERE GOING TO PUT ME ON TRIAL FOR DISHONESTY.  WHAT A STUPID NOTION!!  NO KIDDING I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE!  NO KIDDING I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE IN A COURT ROOM!  HOW IS THAT A CRIME???!!!!  IT ISN’T!!!

JESUS CHRIST, MAN!  I BARELY SPOKE ABOUT THE ABUSE MICHAEL DID TO ME!  I BARELY WROTE ABOUT THE ABUSE MICHAEL DID TO ME!

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING?!  WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I DON’T TALK ABOUT MY FATHER?!  WHY DO YOU THINK I DON’T WRITE ABOUT HIM?!  IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

THE TRUTH IS, MY GRANDFATHER WAS THE GREATEST MAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN, AND HE WAS NOT IN MY LIFE FOR VERY LONG.

IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME THAT MEN HAVE NOT BEATEN DOWN A PATH TO MY DOOR, OR ASKED ME ON DATES?!  AS IF THE ENTIRE MALE RACE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME AND/OR OTHERWISE INVOLVED AND UNAVAILABLE!!!  BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME EVERY SINGLE MAN I MEET IN MY LIFE THAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IS ALREADY TAKEN!  WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT KIND OF MAN I LIKE OR FIND ATTRACTIVE?!!

YOU ARE A FUCKING EGOMANIAC THAT DESERVES TO BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME?!  IF YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OTHERS?!!!!

GOD DAMMINT BLUETOOTH!!!!  STOP MAKING ME CRY WHILE I AM WRITING I AM NOT THAT UPSET!  I AM FUCKING MAD AS HELL!  I AM FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO LIVE YOUR STUPID LIE OF A LIFE!

I HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MALE FRIENDSHIP, COMPANIONSHIP, AND STRAIGHT MALE LOVE!  

FOR FUCK SAKE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS IT WILL NEVER BE REAL IN VR!!!  NOT EVER! NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER ENJOYED THAT!  NOT ONCE!  FUCK YOUR STUPID FINGERS!  FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I AM NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE A REAL MAN AND MAN FLESH IN MY BED?!

JUST TO BE CERTAIN YOU UNDERSTAND, I WILL SAY THIS AGAIN!  I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN COERCED INTO SITTING ON ROY’S SIDE OF THE WEDDING!  REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MY FAMILY, NOR WOULD I BETRAY THEM AS THEY HAVE BETRAYED ME.

ALL I WANTED TO DO AFTER COMING HOME FROM THE DARKEST HOUR WAS WRITE ABOUT JOE WRIGHT AND GARY OLDMAN.  FOR THAT IS THE PERSON I USED TO BE – ONE WHO ENJOYED PERFORMANCE.  HOWEVER, ALL I COULD DO WHEN I GOT HOME WAS TAKE A NAP.  I WASN’T EVEN ABLE TO MAKE IT TO THE MOVIE ON TIME – UNAVOIDABLE, I’M AFRAID.  AS MY CAPACITY HAS NOT ONLY BEEN MAXED IT HAS BEEN BREACHED!  I AM NOT EVEN SURE I WILL BE ABLE TO WRITE IT AT ANOTHER TIME AS I AM SITTING HERE NOT HAVING BATHED FOR TWO DAYS BECAUSE I STILL DO NOT HAVE SOAP THAT I CAN WASH WITH.  I AM UP TO MY EYEBALLS AND BEYOND EXHAUSTED.  MY BODY IS BEYOND EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!  EVERYONE ELSE HAS HELP, SUPPORT, AND MONEY!

I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS, I FORGOT TO WRITE THIS THE OTHER DAY:  I HAVE LOVED THOSE THREE MEN SINCE TOP GEAR DAYS AT BBC.  I LOVE TO HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT CARS, IT IS LUSTY TALK TO ME – TELL ME MORE, BRAKE HORSE POWER, OVERSTEER, UNDERSTEER, AND SO FORTH.  I ENJOYED THEM SO MUCH!  I LOVED TO WATCH THEM JUST DRIVING CARS.  I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN THEY BECAME THE GRAND TOUR.  HOWEVER, THEY QUITE LITERALLY BROKE MY HEART AFTER THE LAST EPISODE.  IT IS QUITE FINAL.  I HAVE NO WISH OR DESIRE ANY LONGER TO WATCH ANY MORE.  ALSO, IT IS NOT THE SAME SHOW ANYMORE.  I WAS BORED TO DEATH, AND THEY DID NOT SEEM THEMSELVES.  THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH ONE PERSON CAN TAKE AND MY LIMITS HAVE BEEN EXCEEDED.

I AM SICK, SICK, SICK TO DEATH OF THIS WHOLE STUPID MARRIAGE PROPOSAL THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BETWEEN EITHER DAVID OR JAMES?!  YOU REALLY THINK I AM THAT FUCKING STUPID?!  I HAVE SEEN THEIR FACES!  I HAVE SEEN THE WOMEN IN BOTH OF THEIR LIVES!  I WANT NOHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF YOU!  FURTHERMORE, I BELIEVE THAT EVERY MAN THAT HAS TAKEN PART AND PARTICIPATED IN THE VR HAS CHEATED ON HIS OWN WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND!  AND LET ME MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR, I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER!  WHAT MAN PUSHES A CUM BUTTON AND BELIEVES THERE CAN EVER BE REAL LOVE IN RETURN?!  I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE IN WHO IS ON THE OTHER SIDE!  I HAVE HAD NO SAY OR CHOICE IN WHO IS WATCHING WHILE I AM AT HOME!  I HAVE BEEN EXILED FROM THE ENTIRE WORLD AS IF I AM A CRIMINAL WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!  MY SEX LIFE, MY SEXUAL WELLNESS HAS NO PLACE WHAT-SO-EVER TO BE DISPLAYED AND EXPOSED TO THE ENTIRE WORLD!  I NEVER GAVE PERMISSION AND I WILL NEVER GIVE MY PERMISSION!!!

BTW, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT BOX IN MY GARAGE?!  DISCONNECT IT?!  HOW DO I EVEN KNOW WHAT IT DOES?!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO ME EITHER!

DO YOU HONESTLY NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I USE ANY OTHER TOILET OTHER THAN THE ONE?!  OR WALK IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION SET?!  OR WALK ON THE OWL’S SIDE?!  FUCKING TROLLS IN MY HOME!  FUCKING TROLLS INVADE MY HOME WHILE I AM GONE!  PUT ITCHING POWDER, OR GERMS, OR HAIR GROWTH IN FACE CREAMS, OR SPRAY MY HOUSE AS IF IT IS THEIR’S AND THERE RIGHT TO DO SO!!!

FIRE EVERYONE INVOLVED IN ENTERING MY HOME WHEN I AM NOT HERE AND THOSE WHO ALTER MY FOOD, PRODUCTS, AND INTERCEPT MY DELIVERIES!!!!!  THIS IS A CRIME THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED!!!!!  TO ME OR ANYONE!!!!!

I SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS COME FIRST, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE FOLLWED AFTER ME!  YOU SHOULD HAVE CREATED SOMETHING AFTER WHAT I DID AND CHOSE RATHER THAN FORCING ME AND TELLING ME WHAT TO BUY AND HAVE!!

STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOME IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT TO DO SO!!  YOU ARE FOREVER NOT WELCOME IN HERE!!!

YOU EXPECT ME TO CHANGE ON A DIME AND AT A MOMENTS NOTICE, BUT YOU DO NOT DO THE SAME!  IT TAKES YOU DAYS, WEEKS, AND MONTHS, AND SOMETIMES YOU DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING AT ALL!  BUT, EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG!  EVERYTHING I DO IS INCORRECT!!!  YOU ARE WASTING MY TIME!!  AND, YOU WILL BE TO BLAME WHEN I DIE!!!@!@@@@@@@!!!!!

Fire the blue tooth, so the REAL truth can get out and be told.

Fire the Bluetooth, so that it is no longer able to manipulate, control, spin, misdirect, misconstrue evidence and the truth.

Fire the Bluetooth, so that I can write true stories and share my feelings about how it feels to have lived this barren Bluetooth life.

Fire the Bluetooth to take away its power and return what was mine BACK TO ME!

Fire the baby boss!  Fire Jeremy Renner!  Fire everyone involved with swagtron!  Fire everyone involved with entering my home without a warrant, permission, or authority!

I have done nothing wrong!  I should never be in jeopardy!  I should never should have been pushed this far!  Nor at all!

You broke my heart!  I am so disheartened!

Perhaps you have not gotten the memo – there is no more connected drive it has been discontinued from the manufacture.  There is no more roll-up map, or navigator – it has been discontinued from the manufacture!

I didn’t want to do this.  I have been dreading writing this.  I do not like to have to yell just to be heard and make a point.

Green should be fired!

Pressure washing should be fired.

Swagtron has no business being involved and should be fired.

Do you know I used to love WaWa?  I went out of my way to mention it when working at TCS.

Jerry – I changed my location because of the effect everything I did, and everything that was involved with these last few weeks.  I fired you.  For lack of proper management, handling, and appropriate response.

Do you know it was I who showed Cleveland and TCS how to “point” in the right direction?  I taught him how to talk with just your eyes.

Do you know it was me who started the whole business of nominating people with my purchases, voting people in and so forth.  I wrote it to my computer back in December 2013/January 2014.

The truth is most of what every one believes to be the work of some other master mind is actually the work of this master mind – ME!

I do not – again – have time to share more.

You have been lied to.  You have all been lied to.  I have been telling the same story/stories for years.  I have not changed my stories in all these years.  But, you have been fed lie after lie.

The only series I will be working will be the Declassified Files until it is completed out of someone else’s hands.  I would love to be able to tell you about Disney and Bob Iger, I would be able to share with you a valuable lesson about business.  I would love to share with you about my Twilight story and how it brought me back to David.  I would love to be able to write a million things.  However, what has been brought to my attention is something I cannot abide.  I tell it like it is, I shoot from the hip, and I will tell the truth about my feelings straight from my heart – like always.  I have not deviated or changed in this manner at all. Continue reading “Fucking Pissed As Hell”

June 18, 2017

Dear Mr.              ,

I need your help…wow, well with so many things.  I am not sure I can get it all out of my head before I leave to get to work on time.

First off, let me start with what sounded like you in my head as I arrived at       yesterday – this is so weird to talk in this way.  What I was thinking, imagining, visualizing is the       environment to be seen like a tapestry in motion.  I am a visual person, and when it comes to things of this nature I usually think very big, and fill in the details later as I go.  So, a tapestry in movement from the inter-woven threads level.  I hope that makes sense.  Weaving in and out, up and down with fluidity, ease, a natural rhythm.  Something sophisticated – at least something more sophisticated than what has been taking place.

In this way, it would replace the “pet-steps”, it would replace the “don’t step outside the        lines, it would replace the one side vs. the other side.  You see, I know I have written this before, but I must say it again.  I do not know how to exclude especially when it comes to people, different nationalities, and cultures.

Okay, back to the tapestry people moving in and out and around each other.

BTW, the reason I walk through the          side is to stay away from the         pet steps which has caused several bad reactions, consequences, and punishments.  Also, I choose to walk past the water cooler on my way to the        because it is water.  Also, has the sign about not a place for         returns.  Because it has been nothing but frustrating to constantly make purchases only to have to return or replace them.  It is unbearable to not be able to choose what I like.

Tapestry – people – movement – without fear of repercussions and weight gain.  Then, there is better eye contact, freedom of expression.  Gosh, I hope this is making more sense.

I was thinking along the lines of what I did for Reg our director at college, as a thank-you.  David and Thomas might remember if you need more help.  It went like this, the actors were dispersed around the room, as they said their lines it was not in succession, but it bounced around the room.  I am not sure how to say this, other than the effect was to have the audience in movement with the actors.  Make sense?  Need clarification?

Also, the actors or background would be based not solely on my purchases, or food, or the clothes I wear, etc. it would be based from my writings.  So, instead of art imitating life it would be a unique creation.

I am having a problem with not being able to feel rested when I wake.  This has been going on for years.  I keep trying to purchase the sleep serenity spray from         only to be able to get more restful sleep.  Not for any baby bull-shit, and such non-sense.  I cannot stand not being able to have choice.  My room is so hot, I am trying to find ways to be able to cool it, so I can get restful sleep to re-energize, to heal.

The Punisher, BTW, I purchased because it was shot here in Florida, in Tampa.  It is also another audition I never booked.  Do you know they had to take people away in ambulances because of heat stroke while waiting just to give a head-shot.  The Tampa Aquarium had just opened it was July in Florida, and we were all waiting on fresh asphalt.  It was more than hot, and many people showed up in black.  You know black is slimming, it looks theatrical.

Talked out of vacation hotels. Did you know that I was talked out the hotels I wanted to stay at when I went on vacation.  I wanted to stay at the Key Lime hotel in Key West.  I believed it was a better location, I liked the idea of the front porch, the amenities and so on.  But, I didn’t get to stay there.  It’s hard to explain, but it is along the lines of it was the only way I could keep my job.  In New Orleans I wanted to stay at The Best Western because it was a different part of New Orleans than I had been to before, but I was not allowed to stay there.

Why I volunteered, and why I choose Sunday. When I woke up this morning I was remembering volunteering at the SPCA.  After caring for my mom, I thought all I would want to do is sleep since I had been sooooo deprived for soooo long.  But, there was a part of me that needed something.  One of my favorite lines from a movie is from LOTR.  I had it inscribed on my shuffle (I am still upset that it was stolen from my house along with several other things), ‘What to do with the time that’s given you.”  I couldn’t get a job no matter how hard I was trying.  So, I did research on some of my interests.  One of them being taking care of animals.  Because helping others helps me.  I signed up to volunteer at the SPCA in Lakeland.  I volunteered to work on Sunday because I always felt like Sunday is family day.  I wanted to give to others (in this cosmic sense) the gift of taking care of animals, so the other volunteers could be with their families.  I worked with the dogs, eight hours, in the summer heat of Florida.  I was drenched after every shift from sweating, and I smelled of wet dog.  But, I felt in some larger way I could be there for other’s.  I went to work having cleared my head of guilty care.  I wanted to be that in-between person who could create stability, give positive emotional support, so they could be adopted into a forever home.

Family vs Marriage story line So, for me the family story-line is better and more interesting for me because there is not a single man I have ever dated that I am so in love with that I would want to marry.  Plus, taking away my family like that should never happen to anyone.  I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.  Everyone needs connection.  Everyone needs to have support and help.

           , I left some things in my cart.  I need better clarification that it is not going to be a problem anymore based on which           I use, and what items I purchase.  Can you help me with that, please?  Do you know it is so hurtful what happens with the soap, toilet-paper, and coffee.  I love                   café Almond biscotti.  I love the flavor of it.  No one else has anything that tastes like it.  It is just so hurtful.

I need to come here and sort of download all the images and happenings that have taken place.  Sometimes I need to get it out of my head without it being used.  I would like some things to be kept private.  I will try my best to make sure I write it in that it is to be kept private.

Sometime, I will try to explain my good taste and that dating experience.

Did I over-think my parking at the mailbox?  I am so over this       non-sense.  It is so unnatural and unhealthy.

Also, I want to come away from this non-sense of what is being thrown away in the trash and recycling almost as if it is point scoring.

I have such a need for more – more than what has been happening these last few years.

I need you to work with me, and not against me.

Going back to moving tapestry.  One of the things I enjoy about films is great camera work.  It is very difficult work.  Ron Howard did this very well in A Beautiful Mind.  I’ve said before I thought something must have happened to him personally because it reflected in his work on that film.  Another I recall is Rob Marshall in Memoirs of a Geisha, he captured movement so well in film.  Dancers background perhaps helps.  Target?  Rob Marshall, We’re having a hard time selling the pink ladies, he said.  Meaning the pink lady apples.

Did you know I had been                                                                                           ?  Which is why I try real hard not to move around.

Can we please get green out of my way?

Sorry, for saying you were a bad              .  Someone was pushing my buttons, at least that is how it feels when I got home and my brain was returned to me.  Talking like that is not me.  Sorry, for calling you out poorly.

I hope this is enough for now.

I had started writing thank you’s to people I have seen as a way of involving myself instead of passively having something constantly done to me.  However, there have been many problems for me simply for being grateful, gracious, and creatively aware.  I have endured a lot of physical, emotional, and psychological pain simply because of how I see the world and others, and I am unafraid to show and share the tough, difficult, indelicate, and all those details and things that are unpopular, and uncomfortable.

So, I have decided after much thought to end the series.  I do not see the benefit to me or purpose in continuing something that only keeps me separate from the rest of the world.

Perhaps it is because I had such a terrible day at work today.  Overtime with no work causing me to lose faith.  Bad, terrible day at work for no reason.

Perhaps it is because I am mushy brain exhausted.  I don’t know.  I want a change.  There is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to have a better paying job.  There isn’t any reason I cannot find other employment.

I am greatly unhappy for no reason or cause.

I don’t smile anymore anyway.

I believe I have already published this story, however it is not ticked off my list of stories I am taking out of someone else’s hands.  So, I apologize if I am repeating myself.

David Wolfe:

Forever Moments: FBI Profiler

By: Cherith J Gjestland

Walking in the door, our eyes met.  I took my seat in my usual place noticing his eyes went from mine to my feet which made me look at my own shoes.  Was there something wrong with them?  Did my feet look funny in my thong sandals?  Did he know I had changed shoes before I got there?  Had it not been for the test that was to take place on that day I am sure with the rest of the class, I would not have shown up for the guest speaker.

He started with a case he had worked previously.  Explaining the case was about a murder.  How they went about finding the murderer, the murder weapon, and the intent behind the murder.  I knew there was to be a guest speaker that day, but that was all.  When he introduced himself, I didn’t quite make the connection between psychology class and the FBI.

Now days there are so many television shows, CSI franchises, NCIS franchises, police shows that share the in’s and out’s of police and detective work audiences are blasé and disconnected from the real crime.  However, when he showed up at my college classroom none of those shows existed yet.  I had never seen nor had any knowledge of the process in which a person pursues a case.  I say this for a very distinct reason.  There is a world of difference between real and make-believe.  You would think this would be understood.  Yet, I believe most people are unaware on an unconscious level while watching television as entertainment the real place from which it stems.

Perhaps because it was before the times of the CSI’s, NCIS’, and Hawaii 5-0’s that seem almost too common place anymore, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to see nor its effect it had on me.  Your own personal history is something that never leaves you, it shapes your perception, and how you and the world interact.

As he spoke pictures from the case appeared on the overhead projector.  A dead woman lying naked face down in the street in front of a storm drain.  He kept talking and talking and the picture stayed up there.  He talked some more, and the picture remained the same.  Do I look at him?  Do I look at the picture?  Do I look away?  Do I doodle and pretend I am not listening?  Do I look at what he is referring to and pretend not to be effected?  Do I look at the ceiling?  Do I play with my backpack?  Do I rearrange my notebook, pencil, pen, and book again?  Do I look out the window?  I couldn’t the blinds were closed.  Do I keep looking at the person lying dead?

Then, came the photographs of the pig carcass that they used to replicate and determine the murder weapon.  Until then I would not have known the process of such an event.  Determining that a hammer was used to kill the victim.  A hammer?!  Who?  What?  How could anyone?  I would never have thought something like that was possible.

He went into detail about color, color choice, and its use in the field.  How he believed based on the evidence the perpetrator was a man closest to the victim, drove a red truck, was in the construction business, and was a domestic violence abuser.

Then, he stopped.

He went to his briefcase explaining he hadn’t eaten lunch yet took out a plain Hershey’s milk chocolate bar and began to eat it.  I sat there unable to understand what the fuck he was doing in that exact moment.  Who has a chocolate bar for lunch?  How could he possibly eat?

I wanted to run outside.  I wanted to breathe fresh air.  I wanted to leave all my things and wait in the courtyard until class was over.  It seemed to be the longest class yet, and there was still a test to take afterward.

Somewhere, I don’t remember where exactly I shut-down and stopped listening.  I heard the words, I saw the people, I was aware of what was going on, but my mind stopped.  I was in shock.

He finally finished speaking and left the classroom.

My teacher stood in front of the class.  I tried to bring my mind back to the test subject matter for which I had studied when she spoke, I have decided not to give the test today.  Relief washed over me.  I was unprepared for the subject matter our speaker was going to share today because of its nature I believe it’s best to have the test on our next class day, she explained.

Maybe she was worried if students did poorly on the test they would go to the Dean and complain about the speaker.  Or, maybe she herself was not prepared to view a real murder crime scene instead of the prettily placed fake blood we are accustomed to from television and movies.  For there is no way to truly replicate real, or the effect something real creates.

I wish I could erase those crime scene photos from my brain.  It horrified me even though I did not know the person.  When he spoke, there were moments of little pin pricks that touched my skin, my ears, all over me.  It was what he created in the room – at least for me if no one else.

There must be a fine line to walk between objectivity and callousness.  For it will be hard to forget class that day.

 

Just in case anyone forgot.

First Amendment to the United States Constitution.

…the freedom of speech, the freedom of the press,…

One of the things I used to do while staying up all night while caring for my mother was take it upon myself to further, expand, and increase my mind.  I realized I did not know the Constitution in its entirety, so I looked it up, wrote it down, and kept it for reference.