Puzzle Pieces: Showtime

Looking at my neighbor’s heathered green front door that should have been my front door all along I am saddened at the loss of years of my life.  Nearly six years since moving here I have yet to have a home here.  I barely have furniture.  There is no hominess about.  No cute touches that show a life is lived here.

If I had not made it clear in my earlier post about the lemon water, B.C., neighbor yelling over the phone at his pool, these are puzzle pieces.

Recalling the time we lived in Oldsmar, it is when I first saw Young Sherlock Holmes on Showtime.  Why I remember it was on Showtime, I have no idea. I watched it over and over.  Cable was free in the Village at Old Tampa Bay the apartment complex we lived in.  I name the apartment complex for a reason – it is known around here.  That is to say the role the Bluetooth plays around here.

In my opinion, the role of the Bluetooth should change.

As I see it the role of the Bluetooth is to gather as much information from my head while I am at home then spread the information around media, people, communications as a way to push a program rather than create one.

The hand-off, are you kidding me?  At my front door, the light is to the right.  This man is busy, working.  Don’t bother him.  Still, it did make me laugh.

When we lived in Oldsmar we were so broke, I did not have a bed.  I slept on one of those fold-out chairs that turn into a foam mattress.  Like a glorified sleeping bag.

One morning I woke up to a noise that would not go away.  I finally figured out it was scratching.  Scratching at the wall.  When I looked I saw my cat Mimzi scratching and clawing at the wall.  When I looked further she was attacking a snake that had found its way into my room.

I got up.

I went to tell my mother, trying to figure out what to do who immediately went into her room and shut the door.

She was scared.  Terrified.  It took me a bit of time to figure out, she was scared.

I got a broom, I think, and took the snake of out the house.

I didn’t kill the snake.

I wasn’t scared or careful with the snake, I got it out is all.

It is not the first time either.

When we lived in Plant City I opened the front door to discover an Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake.  I told him to leave the premises at once.  Yep, I talked to the snake and told him/her to leave.  This snake looked at me.  A bit perturbed, then left.

I would find snake skins all over our yard, rat snakes were very common.  At the time I didn’t think much about it for a suburb it was somewhat country.  However, I wonder now if the wildlife was not placed in my yard by disapproving neighbors.

A constant in my life – surrounded by people who neither like, approve, believe, or care for me.

I am unable to keep track of what every person knows around me.  What the Bluetooth knows, what the surveillance knows, what my brother the spy knows, what my blog knows.

My mother was getting sick when we lived in Oldsmar.  Our apartment had a shared wall.  My mother believed they were selling drugs out of the apartment.  She called the cops who came to our apartment to speak to her.  Of course, the smell that was making my mother sick was not present when the cops showed up.

Two policepersons, one male, one female.  I remember the woman asking me about the smell asking me if it was pot.

I said, I don’t know.

She disbelieved me.  Her face, her whole body said every teen-ager knows the smell of pot.

Ahem, I am not from Florida.

I did not go to public high school in Florida, so no.  I did not know the smell of marijuana.  However, I have been to college in Florida, so now I know the smell of pot.

I have no idea why the Bluetooth and surveillance wants me to write about this.

The colors of the front doors are significant to those who created this complex.

They were wrong.

Is this true?  Someone from out-of-town with years of experience assessed me and placed me in this house with the shared front door rather than the model home which should have been mine?  I believe they mistook indifference with unknowing.

Caring what a person does for a living and knowing the kind of person they are – are different things.

I don’t understand why all this food now is bad.  Eating less than 1,000 calories a day and gaining weight, indigestion, bloating, terrible pain, and discomfort.

Recalling a conversation with my brother, I said to him, you like Steve Wheat, his manager at the time.  He answered truthfully saying yes.  But, who was Steve Wheat really?

Guesses?  I have a few.

Going back a second, the surveillance taken of my playing with the little ones which was later used as a puzzle piece, I can almost see.  They understood they had made a mistake.  However, it was too late to go back.  They had already set plans in place and could not undo the medical disinformation.

I can almost see how they were touched at my honest laughter, and joy I created in the children.  It is true.

They could see.

This is to say this is not the same as being able to have children and get prego/pregnant anymore.

People in charge who don’t understand what truly happened.

Is a solider or General the same in battle as they are when they return to their families?

Do you see the solider when they play with their children, babies, and little ones?

No, not always.

I must lie down now.

This bad food is killing me.  This bad soap is destroying my body.

Synesthesia

It’s good to know not everything before moving here has been destroyed, altered, and edited.

It’s also good to know that real reporting can be done and is helpful.

If something has been a certain way your whole life it is difficult to realize you are different, or not every person has a brain like yours.

Synesthesia, what a relief that was to discover and learn seeing words, numbers, and letters in your head in specific colors was neither a bad thing nor terrible.

Watching the television program that described synesthesia helped me to understand my brain and myself better.  Unlike the persons portrayed in the program it did not interfere with my life.

In the program, synesthesia interrupted the persons every day life because of what they saw in their brain and mind.  It is not that way for me.

The alphabet was in specific colors.  Numbers had specific colors.  People names were in certain colors.

It was a way for me to organize my brain, helping me to place letters to form words to create sentences so I could communicate.

It’s the way it always has been.

There is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing wrong with being able to see words in your head.  There is nothing wrong with being able to create pictures in your head.

I am still feverish, sick in my stomach, brain-tired, and weary.

Going to rest.

Coffee and Breakfast, May 11, 2018

I am in such pain.  Bloating.  My organs are hurting, writhing, it is painful.

The closest in the last few weeks I have imagined food was a tuna fish sandwich with cottage cheese instead of mayonnaise.  Serotonin.  I was trying to get my head better.  Still, uncertain if the pain in my head/brain is due to injury or if it has been assigned to my food due to the parking situation.

If I understand correctly will be remedied soon.

I write this to put minds at ease including S.C.  It’s hard to believe what I believe I saw.  If it is true and real why is he so happily, excited?  I don’t feel well enough to participate in joy.

All these years I have been told over and over that I don’t know that I need to be told that I HAVE to be shown the way, yet that is untrue.

I have known all along.

I am going to forget these last few years for a moment.

It was an argument over the phone at a pool in my backyard.  The neighbor behind me was in his backyard yelling and being yelled at while on his phone – over a wedding.  I didn’t hear the words he said, I saw the words and conversation in my head.

You can get the story from David Wolfe and family.  This is after his break-up with his girlfriend if anything on Facebook can be true.

Benedict Cumberbatch on BBC America, Graham Norton show, drinking water with a lemon wedge talking about an 18-year-old swimmer (Brook Bennet is the Olympic swimmer from Plant City).

And…?

Your deadlines are killing my beauty sleep.

I must lie down.  I still don’t feel well.

My work is better than you thought was possible.  It is not so difficult from a woman as you thought.  It is not so difficult from this woman.

May 10, 2018

It took me four hours to write my last piece, Coffee and Breakfast: Problem.  It doesn’t normally take me so many hours.

There is still a big problem in my head.

Being made to urinate while at work and home is a problem.  Unacceptable for any human living condition, being made to urinate on themselves.  This should be removed immediately never to return.

I was asked whether it was work that helped my head get better.  The answer is yes and no.  Yes, because then I will have more income.  No, because it is time alone that helps not any activity.

Puzzle pieces: BBC America, Graham Norton Show – Rhianna talking about the old Russian woman who waxed her.  Kate Winslet talking about helping Sir Richard Branson’s mother escape the fire on Necker Island.  These were brought to my mind again last week, I was about to write about them when I ran into interference here at my home making me unable to write about them.  This interference must leave immediately never to return.  It causes damage that is incalculable.

I just noticed somebody painted a dog’s nose on my pen cup.

This left and right facing must be from the caricature painted on glass that was made of me at EPCOT in an oak frame.  I am not sure I still have it anymore since the events that happened in 2014 causing me to get rid of, throw out, and dump nearly every possession I had.

Did they actually think it was possible for me to move away when they have not allowed me to be employed on a salary in which I would be financially independent?!

The first driving trip I could write for days and days about, but it would take a great deal in my head to get me there.

There is a failure within your system of “choices” that you fail to see as a great problem and threat to my health, brain, and capacity to function.  I am the only one who is living this life so let me paint the picture of how it feels to me.

It is as if someone is building a house every so often replacing the solid wood with Balsa wood creating collapses, closures, cave-in’s, complete demolition of the structure.  All because of a choice that is never made clear or understand that is never a choice my brain would understand since my brain is in my head and no one else’s.

The timeline as I see it for me to be able to write the picture of the events on 4/23/2018 is weeks away at best.

I want my Tuesday and Thursday back alive.  They never should have been taken.  There never should have been any co-existing.  It is inhumane.

Russia Ate My Homework.  The physical work goes too fast.  At this point I am uncertain that they didn’t put an additive, chemical, or drug in my food to make me work so fast and furiously.  That time has passed.  As that was a one-dimensional character alone.

If it is true they placed drugs in my food, added calories, it should be investigated and sentenced for it.  It creates an unfair advantage or disadvantage.  It should never happen.  It creates interference and nothing more.

Struggling to maintain order in my home, I am failing.

I need to go back to bed.

Coffee and Breakfast: Problem

Coffee and breakfast in its usual format has been delayed because – there is a problem.

I have a problem.

I need your help.

The Bluetooth got to report it before I could get my head well enough to my computer as it seems the competition within the workforce is set to hurt me.

A bad connection has been made.

I am uncertain if it was done intentionally or not, however a bad connection has been made.  A bad connection to food, cooking, feeding people, being creative in the kitchen – don’t forget my apron post – and creating in my head with the event that took place on 4/24/2018.

A person can crawl out of the desert, but how long does it take before they are able to function well?

My head, my brain was getting better, but they have interfered with my body causing more delays as my skin is on fire, my head hurts, my sleeping is all wrong, and my body is lethargic.

All I want is to be able to have clothes that are clean, smell clean, the whites are white and not dingy, the colors are bright and not dingy.  Yet, I am treated to shrinking of my clothes, altering them to shrink, cutting my clothing so I must mend them, soap that doesn’t clean and on and on.

I watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit basically because I was told to.

You and they have yet to figure out my mind and brain are miles and miles away.  I am so far ahead.  My mind doesn’t work the way you have allowed others to be a part of.

It has been a revelation to understand that YOU do not know why this has been set-up the way it has.  I do.  I have.  I haven’t even had to think about it.  Because it happens that fast.

Let me go back a moment.

I ordered my Sherlock t-shirt on the computer in the garage of my Plant City home.  Just as I ordered my art posters from the computer in the garage in my PC home.

YOU do not understand that my garage here in this house – is my brain.  Left and Right hemispheres of MY brain.

How is it that you have allowed people to be in charge over me, handle me, yet have no idea whatsoever what it means?!

The original blueprint has been stolen, or altered, mislaid, or never communicated.

Somehow along the way it was turned into black and white, men vs women, vision vs copy, on and on – this was never the original context.

There is no choosing when it comes to your brain.  You use both parts of your brain.  Both the left and the right hemispheres.

It is not a matter of parents, mother or father, California, or a black woman, or a baby, or anything that has been made up since moving here.

The garage is my brain.  Orange and green are both my brain.  You have lied to the world allowing them to believe it could only be one.  You have lied to the world allowing them to believe it is something is never has been, never will be, never could be.

Now, my brain has been in trouble for weeks now.  It is getting better, however adding problems and pressure are not a good idea, or work, or help.  It is causing delays.

I needed help.  I need help.  Because I am hurting.

I placed my head on his chest near his shoulder.  I needed to be comforted.  I needed a place to lay my head.  It helped for a moment.

Now, let me write about the man in the green t-shirt.  With the circle and the equal sign.  Truthfully, I have no idea what that means.  I was not looking at his t-shirt.  I was looking at this big, strong, tough man who was worried.  Worried, concerned, upset, worried, not frightened – worried.  He had security problems written all over him.  He was silent, yet he was screaming security problems, they have no idea what they are doing, what they are allowing, what they are getting involved in, what they are opening everyone in the building and beyond up to.

I also saw his wounds.  He was wounded.  If not physically, it has left places all over him like bullet holes, yet bigger.  He is a tough man he can take care of himself, he takes care of his family, but he didn’t want to be there.  In that building.  Or involved at all.  He was worried.

With a punch of my fist – shutdown.  I do not believe I wrote well enough about the shutdown.  If my mind was a building full of steel doors feet thick and miles high with the punch of my fist I closed every single door immediately.  If there were people in the building that might have been…

I caution everyone to not allow my mind or opinion to be the final word or – I am running into interference while I am writing in my own home at the moment.  This needs to end.  They need to vacate the premises immediately, without delay, never to return.  I am not God or all knowing, so please do the work.  Do not only listen to me.

If my mind was a building full of doors, I closed them immediately.  If there were people who could have been trapped, hurt, injured, or killed by the doors closing it had to be done for there was not one second to lose.  It had to be done.  I was not going to allow that terrorist in my building.

He was a man.  Middle-Eastern.  Terrorist is the nicest word I can use for I do not know a word for a man like that.  He is educated.  He has wealth.  He has real estate.  He is intelligent.  He has a family.  He is more than a problem.

Complete genocide.  It has taken me time to get to write this because it takes time to return from an event like that.  Complete genocide of the entire human population.  Please read carefully because I am not leaving anything out.  He would leave the Earth intact yet destroy the entire human population.  Complete genocide.

So, I wonder why this man is alive.  Why this man is alive still.  He is needed?  You think you can get information from him?  You won’t.  You won’t get anything from him.  You need his family?  You need his connections?  Or no one has been able to impress upon those in power his mind?

Let me tell you, he would destroy every human being without thinking about it.  His life is not something he values.  Human life is not something he values.  If the planet means something to him.  Use it.

However, I do not know why this man is still alive.

I wrote, the world was not going to end because I spoke to Barack Obama, then I get a man like that sent from a great distance to me.  And, they expect and expected me to immediately – IMMEDIATELY – go back to business as usual.

They have no idea what they have done, nor do they understand as they should never be allowed back in ever again.

I deleted a game program from my computer because of it.

It has caused a problem with my special conversation as I understand it as a job.  I will not be able to think of it otherwise in this capacity.

Heavy doesn’t help.

I do not apologize for deleting a newspaper from my tablet either.  I must do what I am able to in order to preserve my brain since you have allowed people to be in charge of me, over me, and handle me who are incapable of understanding or have the intelligence to understand.

The event of 4/24/2018 has caused all writing to be delayed as I am trying to recover.  Inadequate sanitation is shamefully unacceptable.  It only further delays recovery time.

If that was Matthew Rhys on Tuesday, I believe I said it was David at first because it was David Wolfe on the motorcycle.  Placing a connection.  I couldn’t understand it because the man I saw was too short to be David.  If I had to guess.  The reason he did not read as an actor must come (please do not read into this word, fuckers) from all the people he has been around for research and help in his role.

All of these that I write about or think about I do not receive confirmations or denials about.

Also, to clarify since as I wrote earlier YOU do not understand what I understand.  The reason for the police lane is to allow for other traffic to be placed around me and no other reason.  You have allowed for punishment, etc. to take place that were never a part of the original plan or intention.

My head is not in a good place.

Heaviness is never a help.  It slows me down more.

The second visit to the dentist was upsetting, uncalled for, and unnecessary.  You have bad handlers around me who should never be involved and should be removed immediately, vacating the premises never to return.

They do not understand.

The voice I heard of the Eastern-European man on Tuesday – if what I saw was true – if she is over him.  If she is the manager or handler of him – she is not his equal.  He out-matches her by a lot.  All information he gives her could be filtered because he is capable of using her without her knowing it.

That great big mountain of male flesh you let me look at was a sight for sore eyes.  I said in my head he had a weakness.  He doesn’t like people very much.  It is hardly a weakness of any sort, but if your job is to read people and you don’t really like people in so much as he does not go out of his way for people it can be a weakness.  It is hardly a problem those in the rest of the world would understand.  They asked me to see and that is the only thing that stood out.  Otherwise he is as solid as he is built.

Truthfully, I am uncertain anyone wants to read these.  Yet, these people are placed in front of me.  I cannot help the way I see them.  It is something I have always had.

Pet food.  This is something I see around him.  He is involved with pet food, animals, he comes from a famous family.  He is a wonderful family man.  He is the kind of man who plays board games with his family and enjoys them.  I heard he lives a charmed life.  I said, no.  He has a nice life.  He has not had it easy.  There was meanness and fighting when he was younger.  Not charmed.

At the Red Sparrow screening, a woman with brunette hair wearing a white zip-front hoodie appeared after my Guinness purchase.  I said, loyal.  I said in my head, he would be so proud.  That woman is so loyal and in love with her husband, her family, and the life they have made – he, her husband would be so proud, ‘til the end of his days, he would be proud if he could see her the way I read her.

Also, at the Red Sparrow there was the sophisticated man who was surprised I spotted him so quickly.

My Earth Science teacher was the one who mentioned in class that driving was creative.  I remember him speaking although I was not paying much attention to much else.

There was the military man with the sluggish brain.  It is not due to age.  I said, if he has been overseas he should go on a cleanse.  It is possible to eat food that could have had a parasite that you would ingest, and it would live in your gut.  Jordan Rubin, Garden Of Life.  I suggested a holistic approach to health, perhaps his house needs a specific eye, and there is a loss of communication in his relationship that is causing strife.  Help him, please.  I gave him a kiss on his forehead, is what I said.

Does anyone really want to know these?

I an uncertain I should be writing these at all.

My skin in burning.

I have a heavy bowling ball in my stomach.

I need to lie down again.

I have lost all desire for food.

You Think

You think I’m following you, I’m not.

You think I read a newspaper article, or read anything and I’ll change my mind, my choice, my route, I don’t.

You think I see someone wear a color, clothing, or the way they do their hair and I’ll change, I don’t.

You think you can sway me with pornography, sickness, and simpletons, you haven’t.

You think you can own me?

You can’t.

You think you can direct me?  You don’t know how.

I am faster than you.

I am smarter than you.

I know more than you.

I have done this,  lived this longer than any of you.

I can out wit you.  Make you laugh without trying.

You have to injury me to slow me down, so you can catch up.

I am prettier naturally because I don’t have to try.

I have more scars than you.

I think more than you because I can think.

You have been ass-backward all along.

You think you can get inside my head and know me?  You wouldn’t know where to look.

You think you know what is going on, you don’t.

You think you are telling me, you aren’t.

I am the one who is constantly straightening you out because you are wrong.

You will always be wrong.

You were never going to win.

Because I am not a game.

Hello, my name is Cherith.  I think better than you ever could.

Proven.

Time and time again.

 

Marriage Proposal

What a horrible night last night!  Surrounded by selfish fucking women!  It’s not enough that I am unable to be apart of the world, have relationships, have friends, have men in my life, I am surrounded by women who believe it is their right to demand my time sacrificing of myself to keep them out.

I am sick of it.

This storyline of a marriage I have instinctively not trusted from the beginning.

It has been proven to me that men and women will say anything in my head.

It has been proven to me men will say anything in my head to get me to masturbate or sleep with them so they can watch.  Sick!  Gross!

I deserve to have a man for real and not have a man assigned to me.

Yesterday was not good, so I am unable to see a continuation or repeat of the same filling station.

I am sick of seeing special or wonderful men only being led like a dumb-bell-lina when I know in my head and heart it is for a fact it is untrue.  Stay away from me.

Punished with extra calories for no reason.  Treated like a slave.

Sick of the lies, deceit, and games.

Can, I please have my eyesight back?!

Herman Melville

While reading Bartleby the Scrivener I stopped after a few paragraphs.  Because the oddest thing happened to me – I could see Herman Melville.

I saw Herman Melville as he loved to write.  Sitting in a corner of a pub, drinking while he wrote.  He loved the sound of words, and he would roll them around in his mouth.  Finding the word, he felt was the best.  Round and around in his mouth.  Sometimes stopping to watch the people carry on in the pub sorta like watching television.

It was such an odd experience.  I saw it with such detail and clarity, I told my brother nearly as soon as I saw it.

After reading more of the story, I saw more of Herman Melville in my head.  He had health problems.  Small and easily unnoticed.  Nothing that would have been detected or cause for alarm in a doctor’s office or visit.  Yet, it caused problems with his mind effecting his relationships with his family and eventually his work relationships.

It could have been something as minor as a vitamin or mineral deficiency.  Today it is possible to not receive enough B-vitamins in our food and diet, so I could only imagine back in the 1800’s where refrigeration and ice where not standard to keep food from spoiling how easily a diet could keep you alive while your organs suffered borrowing nutrients from one another attempting to breathe and keep blood purified.

Island living was something Herman Melville was surprised to find out how much he enjoyed.  The cold, damp, wet weather of Northern winters could have been a little too much of a burden on his system.  It could have been a fabric that bothered his skin.

I saw wool.

I saw itchy wool.

It could have been a sensitivity to the material, or something in the process that his skin did not react well to, yet it was enough of an annoyance that it created conflict with his thought mind.

Shouting at others and unable to make up for it afterwards.  Not wanting to either.  More than a temper, conflicts, personality clashes.

Then, there was the enlightenment that the Anglo church was not the only place God existed.  People of different nationality and races could also have worth, be Godly children.

Then, I don’t know what happened.  Something on the island, the food, the weather conditions, sanitation, something happened where he started to disconnect not just from his family and home.  Herman Melville started to disconnect from the world.

I am uncertain that any of this could be determined to be true so many years after his death.

However still, I saw it.

I saw Herman Melville in my mind’s eye.

Star Wars, Are You Kidding Me?!

Imagine a place where you could create a real-life battle of dark vs. the light while using real people.

Like a chess board of black and white with real people as the players.

This is something I will be writing more of in other pieces because the destruction of such an infantile thought process to allow to take place with real consequences is obscene.

For in my reality what has taken place is that black men, African-American males are sometimes good and sometimes bad.  They add mega mass calories to food this is not good.  They stink, are foul-smelling to a repulsive degree, also not good.

Yet, black woman.  African-American females are the ultimate villain, destroyer of all things good, and represent filth and germs, stink and foul-smelling, repulsive to the nose.

You should be swearing.  You should be screaming, swearing, and cussing in your head as you read this.

My exasperation is beyond words.

It is repugnantly vile this story-line was ever green-lit.

My face and body are on fire as I am icing my body, wet wash cloths on my face to keep cool.

Disgusted.