That Afternoon

Make no mistake Midget, Panera that day was all me – and, only me.

I call him Midget – as they say, be cruel to be kind.

Spending years on the cruel side of having a belief in a man, thinking and believing it was possible to reconcile the distance and separation, then having him end and sever that possibility so completely there is no going back.  David has taught me an important lesson for I now know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention.

I met up with Midget at Panera.  I didn’t want to show up.  I did not trust him, nor did I trust the meeting place.  I was suspicious.  True to my instincts, standing in line at Panera I saw David sitting down at a table with people.  So, I took my food and Midget outside to avoid him.

Proving I was and I am greater than either of those men, I put on a great performance.  So that David would know he no longer held a place in my heart.  So that Midget would know he was no match for me.  I was riffing, speaking zingers faster and funnier than anyone on the planet.

Panera was all me and no one else.

Do Not Wake Me

Are you one of these sleepers?  I am.

I am a heavy sleeper, tune out the world, unplug my brain, I-need-my-beauty-sleep-sleeper.

God bless those sleepers who wake up perky.  Bounding out of bed full of life and energy.  It is a gift from God, I think.  Something God gave them at birth.  I don’t believe anyone can learn how to wake up full of energy.

My awake brain has a long meter before it is fully functional.  If you try to wake me, I will start swinging – true story.  Growling and throwing punches like a hibernating Mamma bear protecting myself and others from the intruder(s).

I need that sleep just as I need the rest as well.  It is the best and only way to power up my mind, body, and spirit.

And, I cannot abide being baby-sat.  I do not need any ghostly visitors or companions.  Enough said on that matter for now.

Face-plant.  Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Listen…Hear That?! I Did.

Master of my own sea, isn’t that a great thing!  I think so.

Just like the glass on my windows – art is not at work here.  It simply doesn’t deliver the results worth seeing.  Writing is the best way I am able to share the deep complexities, simple understandings, wisdom, knowledge, and memories worth believing in.

Yummy, Lemon Criss-Cross cookies served with a proper pot of orange Ceylon (Ceylon is my favorite, story to follow) tea, making sure you warm the pot before adding the hot water.  The tea must be made strong enough to stand up to the sugar – I prefer it raw, less chemicals – and evaporated milk.  It drinks like liquid caramel.  Plus, my chewy gingersnap cookies served with strong coffee either brewed, latte, or a cappuccino.  Same as with tea, coffee must be strong enough for the cream and sugar.

I am desperate for real food, flavor, and variety!

I am tired of having the same thing over and over and over again.  I want to create my own menu saving the leftovers, so I can save my money for other things – like, new clothes among other things.

Splat!  I just face-planted asleep on the floor for I am that tired.

Random Man

My eyes are swollen shut from fatigue tell the story I am not allowed to say.  Trying to sleep with undigested food in my bad belly.  I am miserable.

Random man # 1,372,594,508,263,940,264,558,302,713,647,493,493,720, I am sick of being passed around like some plastic vagina to play with.  Here’s a toy you play with her, now it’s your turn, now you play with her, and so on.  I will never believe – in that way – unless it is made real.  I have been tricked too many times for someone else’s sport and pleasure.

It was supposed to be Nanaimo bars and espresso, but I can barely move.

Yelling At The Universe

I wanted to mention something about For The First Time piece I posted recently.  I am glad I was able to write it in 2012 when I did because I am completely removed from all feeling, memories, details and associations from the time in my life when I cared for my mother.  I find it very hard to recall memories anymore with any feeling other than extreme anger.

I wanted to write my 9/11 piece, my Master Class piece, the Rules piece, and so many others.  I have bulletin boards full of story board ideas that are something I actually want to get out of myself.  But, there is only so much time in the day.  I have to clean my house, mop and vacuum the floors, do laundry without a dryer because some trolls came in my house and ruined the appliance, and I do not have the ability to get on the roof.  So, now I have to hire someone?!  Great!  I have to do the dishes, clean my kitchen, get groceries which takes hours and hours – is this ok?  Should it be this one?  Is this cheaper?  Is someone going to think something if I order this or that or the other?!  And, I need variety!!  Not to mention the fun of taking a shower in my house – forget being able to relax in the tub, can’t do that!  Washing myself over and over and still not clean – more trolls!  Washing my hair in the sink because of the trolls!  Plus, I am fucking tired, spent, worn out like I am stuck on a deserted island without shelter or food.  And, if it going to be used every day, then the work I do four it is not goofing around.  I still haven’t been able to unplug my head and brain.  And get this – ok, I was kept up instead of being able to sleep.  At least once a week this happens – recently it has been more than that – where I am kept up all night, all day, and all night again.  You try keeping that up after so many years!

Plus, I have cats to take care of which involves more than giving them food and water, and cleaning their litter.  I have to spend time with them, play with them, give them kisses and kisses and kisses and kisses, call them by their names, so they know I am their Cherith.

I want to do this correctly and add this to the smile series, but I do not have time.  And, if I do not even mention it then I am reminded of it constantly like an iron left plugged in.  I think it was Crash I saw first, and from then on I wanted to see anything Paul Haggis wrote.  I wanted to learn from him.  Amazing.

Did you know Marc Anthony delivered my first computer?

Dwayne Johnson – what a wonderful ball of energy he is.  No phony bull-shit about him.  I don’t think he tolerates it around him.

Jack Black – sorry, I am so broke I cannot afford music within the last ten years or so.  Thank you for putting up with my playlist.

Michelle Monaghan – due to time constraints I could not finish watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.  However, I have seen it before.

I sure hope Neal Patrick Harris is still not gathering the carts outside The Home Depot.

Jason Segel – can I recall all the times?  At Publix with a child wearing a football uniform, check-out at The Home Depot, in front of Bright House, walking with a ball cap.  He is a genuinely nice and pleasant man.

Reading the newspaper are we still Robert Downey Jr.?

I have to go before my brain crashes on this desk – tired.

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

I don’t know why I gave this to someone else.  Again, giving the power back to me, and out of someone else’s hands and back to me.  For, I see no reason to see other’s and do nothing, say nothing, or write nothing.  Thank you is the greatest act I can do, I have nothing else to give or offer.

A Smile Series: Thank you

June 15, 2017

So, here is what I am thinking as part of the Director’s chair series.  They go together and they improve my 360 life. I am simply not able to watch every single movies, or tv show, or even listen to every piece of music once I’ve seen someone.  I wanted to come here and write a quick blurb.  I will start with the most recent and try – I doubt it will be complete – to work my way backwards when I remember someone.

This will be my take away, or what I receive when I see others, or what I can see about others.  It’s been called many different things.  I think the truth is I don’t see anything the other person doesn’t want me to know, or see.  A person is who they are regardless of everything else.

In this way, I hope to be able in some small way to say thank you for their time, energy, patience, and creative talent.  For all the middle-fingers I fly it has NEVER been against any one person.  I simply never wanted to live this kind of life.  Nevertheless, I am an appreciator it is hard for me to be otherwise.

Also, I believe in the acts of smallness.  How the smallest gestures can have the greatest impact.  As an example, while caring for my mother taking her in her wheelchair, she loved people so much she wanted to greet everyone.  She would talk to people in her distorted, broken vocabulary most people would return the favor with horrified shock and almost disgust upon their face.  They would turn to me with a look of, why did you bring her out in public?  So, every time someone would simply smile in return, I was so grateful.  It made my mother so happy!  And, there is no way I could do anything to pay back that simple kindness – you have no idea the profundity of a smile.  A smile changes things.  A smile has power.  A smile can say more than words.  A smile is of great importance.

If I come here to write about the experience, then the mockingbird/copy-cat business can come to an end.  Instead of dressing in a certain way, or buying certain products, or driving down a certain road, I will come here to write.  It is time for something new, greater, bigger, and better for all.

Do to so many factors in play there is not a lot of time for me to cultivate words or pictures to define the encounter.  I hope that even a few words will be able to speak to something that cannot be defined in words.

I will leave it to you, Mr.            to expand and build upon.  I do reserve the right to alter and help define the creativity of the series.  I am not sure if series is the best term since it will be confined, for some, to my shoes.  Which in my mind, it is not.

If that was Keira Knightley with the hand to her chest, I had to look away.  The memory is so repulsive, I just couldn’t look anymore.  She did look dead tired for which I am sorry she had to be there.  It is a difficult shift.  Also, she was at Walt Disney World with me during training – it was near the Carousel at Magic Kingdom when she said she felt like every one was staring at her as if she is was famous – paraphrased.  She was always on the phone.

Cuba Gooding it was just a walk by, and it was a while ago.  It is a difficult one to explain, it is one of those that is a knowing and it is not until later that I understand or piece it together.  A sort of bewildered, how does this thing really work.

Josh Lucas what a bright, happy, personable good-natured man.  It was really difficult not to buy the painter’s chest.  But, understand that memory is horrifying and degrading, and I painted before I was ever found.  It was a pleasure even just to walk by.

Rachel McAdams – how very personable I felt you must be.  An easy conversationalist.  Black pants, white top.  Also, she played a trainer at Disney too.

Do you know what a treat it was designing a closet for, oh I can’t remember what name he used, Benedict Cumberbatch, and his partner.  He was staying somewhere south in Florida, but the closet was for a condo in Ann Harbor? Michigan.  It was such a treat!  He was so fun and enjoyable to speak to.  Honestly, so much time has passed I can’t recall if it was a put-on or not.  But, so much fun!  When he appeared at Home Depot it was not a difficult thing to approach him this tall handsome man.  However, when he touched my shoulder I knew there was something very different about him.  He had a lot of power in his touch.  It was so terribly flattering.  I mean, I had changed so much.  I barely had money for food or gas, let alone all my clothes were beat to hell.  He was speaking about his shoulder transplant or surgery?  Hard to remember anymore too much fiddling in my brain and too much diluting of my memories.  Yes, always a surprise to see him, even on bicycle.  Plus, I know he was speaking through Cat at TCS when he said I looked nice, and he liked a woman with such well-defined calves.  I blushed, but I couldn’t at the moment place it for I KNEW it had nothing to do with Cat.  Do you know how they talked me out of my plate of French fries?!  An order of French fries at a British pub, sitting outside in the shade.  I was somehow talked out of it by those on the other side of the street in the sun.  I had to walk away and make-up some story about having to leave.  Do you know how they talked me out of those purple pants with the Union Jack?  Those purple pants that fit me like they were made for my body.  I’m still upset about those two things.  For me, those purple pants were a loss not because of the color or nationality.  For fuck sake, man they fit me so well, and I still own so few clothes.  It’s been so hurtful being talked out of purchases and constantly having to return things.  They are both well-formed memories in my mind – the french-fries and pants.  He was so much fun to speak with!  I can’t remember which came first Sherlock Holmes or Frankenstein.  On the very rare occasion that I got to leave the house while caring for my mother and do something for me the movie theater was playing a theatrical version of Frankenstein.  Just two actors, and at intermission each actor changed roles.  I think Danny Boyle was the director.  Do you know why I remember Danny Boyle was the director?  The people sitting in my row to my right, I knew were watching me.  I have no idea why.  Do you know what I love about theater?  When you step into a theater – that stale, un-circulated, never-seen-the-sun air.  I take a deep breath every time I walk into a theater.  It’s different at each theater.  Each unique.  There is no mistaking you are in a theater.  I enjoyed Frankenstein very much.  There is nothing like theater.  Still a very dorky fan – that is to say I appreciate what he gives the audience.  I bought the, I am Sher-locked t-shirt because I thought it was terribly clever writing at the time.  Also, to watch a man (Sherlock) willing to go to such lengths for a woman – well, happy endings haven’t happened yet in my life.

Keith Urban – a black Urban?  This is a difficult one to explain.  There was a sort of gentleness, perhaps mellow, a non-pushy, non-aggressive, simple look toward the exit door.  There is always some sort of tell with people as no matter what color they are they are still themselves.

Jennifer Lawrence – which time?!  The black cat-walk in dreads at the mall, over-the-top having fun, or the driving a Jeep like a crazed-stomping-on-the-gas woman, or urine collection for Home Depot?  I think that’s all of them.

Tom Hanks/Rita Wilson – Red hand, black Mr. Hanks.  I’m sorry I was late that day, you seemed somewhat nervous.  I think it had to do with the driving.  I am sorry it took so long for me.  You looked painful, your get-up.  Plus, you looked so tired.  Sorry for your trouble.

Marc Anthony – that is the most beautiful song!  I’m sorry they put acne on your face.

Bill Cosby – sitting in a wheelchair at my mother’s nursing home doing an over exaggerated tongue lick.  The memory might have been different had I not just walked out of my mother’s room with an actor playing her part.  I mean, how can I honestly yell at me mother for being an imposter?!  Even if it was a man playing her.  Those memories of her being played by actors are so unbearably painful I can see or feel nothing else.  You see, my mother would be so ashamed of my life as I am so ashamed of my life, and what it has become.  I saw you, however it is marked with such sadness for me I cannot see past the cover-up of her death.

David Tennant – What a delightful conversation.  I have no idea what we spoke of during your closet organization at Home Depot, but it was a joy.  Very, very lovely.  It had been a long since I’d had a fun and wonderful conversation.  I would have been happy to have let it go on longer.  Wonderful man.

Billy Crystal – Harry, was his name when he signed up for emails while I was cashiering at TCS.  A lovely man.  I could have talked to him for much longer about absolutely nothing and enjoyed it.  A delight!

These are all the people I can think of at this time.  I am not sure, I can name them all from the last four years.  I’ll try.

 

You Should Know

In case you were wondering David Wolfe, regardless of what I write – for I am not finished – what has happened in the past is in the past.  I find you disgusting and revolting.  It pains me every day that I do not get to be free of you.

I cannot believe how you used me and my pupils yesterday, I am so disgusted at how you have exposed me when it was not your right to do so.

Quite honestly, I would rather die than ever see you again.  I would also rather die than to continue living in this way.

I am so angry.

I have no idea why God ever let me meet you in the first place.  So angry.

I am tired of being used by you.

For you and James have been allowed to love, have family, have friends, and you have let me emotionally starve and wither away.

I will never look your way again.  My pants will be replaced when possible.

Finally Slept

Twelve hours of sleep, and I forced myself to wake up and get up for I could have stayed in bed longer.  No one has any idea how hard I push myself every day.  This life around me is harder than anyone realizes.  No one understand the incredible stress upon my body due to the capacity of my brain.

Banana bread for breakfast.  I want a thick slice of banana bread loaded with banana’s and walnuts filling the air with its sweet warmth.  Nutella slathered on top oozing down the sides, more fresh banana’s sliced on top, glazed pecans rough chopped (not too fine) over the banana’s and bread, honey or maple syrup drizzled over plate and all.  And, I must have meat – feeling like turkey sausage, again.

I could have slept longer.