Love, Come On?!

Here are some of the things I know about love – or even like for that matter.  If a man loves a woman, he does so in person.  He does not call it in, he does not use a proxy, he does not allow another man to use or touch her.

If a man believes he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he does not wait.  He would not want to spend a single minute apart from her.  He would not want to spend years of his life away from her.  He would not lie to her, and string her along for the sake of an audience.

I cannot live in the past any longer as if it was the best part of me.  As if the best years of my life have been lived already with nothing left.

There are some hurts, some pains, and some deceptions that I am unable to pretend did not exist.  It changes your perception of a person.  It alters – everything.

When a person no longer smiles, or laughs, or takes care of themselves the way they used to it is a tell, a sign.  And, it is not a good one.

Anymore, every day I would rather flay the very skin off my face and body than be alive.

But, guess what.  No one cares about my feelings, wants, or needs.

Fucking Suicidal

I wanted to write about how terrible my life is.  I wanted to write and to document the abuse, the manipulation, the unspoken pressure, the torture I am living in, but what is the point when nothing I write here actually changes anything.

I change my driving route, the gas station, the soap, the I walk into work, but nothing changes anything.  Everything stays exactly the same.

I should be able to tell a man no.  I should be able to say I don’t want to be a part of your family.  I should be able to get another job that I can actually live off of.  I should be able to keep a man out of my life that I dumped years ago.  I should be able to say I never want to see, or talk to you ever again David Wolfe.  I should be able to say I never want to know Edison outside of his disguise which is why I pretended I didn’t see you or David when I was at Home Depot.  I should be able to say I never want to see, talk, or know James Franco ever again.

I should be able to have some say in my life, who is allowed to see me, and who I want to spend time with and what man I want to spend my life with…but, I don’t.

I would rather die than continue living like this.

No one cares.  Everyone at my job is there to laugh at me and make fun of me including every celebrity and famous person I have ever seen or talked to.

I have no means to get control over my life again or anymore, so I would rather die.

It’s not like anyone reads this anyway.

My life has been nothing but a lie and a deception since 2012.

The last thing I need is someone else’s deadline, goal, or timetable I have to meet instead of being able to make decisions myself.

Someone stuck a receiver in my head or stomach so they can hear my thoughts, or I am a crazy person either way I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  I don’t see a point living like this.

The world is better off without me.  Adios.

No Means No!

You don’t even play by your own rules!  Driving past Shoe Mountain is an automatic beard which is to say a man.  I shouldn’t even have to drive to Painted Turtle.  I choose the stop sign because I sick to death of entry into my home – DONE!

I have just begun to write about my experiences.

No means no!!!  How many years do I have to say no to that same midget!!!!  I dumped him for a reason.

That tire has no place in my life anymore.  I am not going back anymore!  I am not driving backwards anymore!

I am tired of having to change for everyone else!  I am tired of having to make concessions for everyone else!

I saw her face, I am a believer, I would never ask you to leave her even if I cried!!!  Stop stringing me along proclaiming love and marriage when I saw her face I know you are in love with her James Franco and I couldn’t be happier for you.  Now stay out of my life!

I saw you, David Wolfe making out with her in the waves at the beach.  I couldn’t be happier for you both now stay out of my life!  You have no idea what you are doing if you think for a moment I EVER fell for that short midget!!  I dumped him!  What a hideous thing to do to someone!  I will never be able to think, see, or feel the same about you ever again!!

You don’t even play by your own rules!

This Monday

There is hardly any time left in a day when you work a 10 hour shift, or a 12 hour shift when you include my drive time as well.  Then, to come home to clean the litter box, take out the trash, vacuum the floor, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, do the dishes – oh yeah, did I eat yet?!

I cannot create when I am not comfortable.  I don’t know anyone who works that way.  Have you ever heard of the notion of nurturing talent?  Breaking a person down is hardly a motivator, nor is it any way to garner anything, really.

My mind is broken.  I have been over-used to such an extent my mind is quite literally broken, and my body is in constant pain as a means to cope.

My brain works, but my mind is not where it once was.

James Franco – I saw her and I turned off my air purifier/light because I did not want there to be any confusion.  I am not in love with you or even in like with you.  I want nothing to do with you.  I changed the light bulb because I saw her.  Congratulations, I am happy for you both.  Now, leave me alone, so I can be loved by a man who will actually show up in person to see me and not simply phone it in.  Leave me alone so that I am no longer used by a man who is only pretending an affair.  I deserve to be loved by a man who is not sharing me with other men.  I deserve to be protected by a man and not used as a device.

David – I don’t see it that way.  This I cannot get over, and you should have known that when you did it.

I cannot go back any longer to the way things have been produced, performed, and set-up.

I am not in love with any man.

I don’t have time for this anymore today.

Quotes

Some of my favorite quotes I’ve come across over the years.

“We all flow from one fountain Soul.  All are expressions of one love.  God does not appear, and flow out, only from narrow chinks and round bored wells here and there in favored races and places, be He flows in grand undivided currents, shoreless and boundless over creeds and forms and all kinds of civilizations and peoples and beasts, saturating all and fountainizing all.”  – John Muir

After reading this sentence, I had to buy a John Muir book because I simply had to know more about a man who could write such a sentence.  How can a person take letters and words and turn it into something so beautiful – it is a stop the world moment for me. 

“Vulnerability is not weakness.  I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty, it fuels are daily lives…vulnerability is are most accurate measurement of courage.” -Brene Brown

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and that myth is profoundly dangerous.” – Brene Brown

“If you put shame in a petri dish it needs three things to grown exponentially secrecy, silence, and judgement.” – Brene Brown

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” – Brene Brown

…to be vulnerable to let ourselves be seen, to be honest… – Brene Brown

“But it’s time someone spoke up and paid whatever price is asked for the privilege of speaking.” – Peyton Place

Man in the Arena speech – Theodore Roosevelt

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” – Thoreau

“A great man is always willing to be little.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson “

“In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends…our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have been silent and patient in these last few years expecting the set-up I am living in and with to end on its own and allow me to regain control over my own life – to rejoin the human race once again.  However, I cannot stand aside any longer believing that someone else knows me better than me, knows what I want better than me, or can express my feelings and emotions, thoughts, dreams and desires better than me.  So, I will not keep secret what has happened and is happening to me any longer.

Tired, Again

I cried myself sick at work today.  Emotionally spent, and I had just started my shift.  The check-list of work I have to do every day – that is not of my own choosing – grows longer every day.  I missed a turn.  My mind on auto-pilot as I was trying to see everything, remember everything, do everything.  Concentrating on one turn and I lost another in the process which ruined my whole shift.

I want to be around people.  I want to be able to look at people again and not have to worry about the color of their clothes, what signal and sign they are doing, etc.

I don’t have time for this today.  I don’t have time on any day I punch in for work.

Over $200?!!

Over two hundred dollars this paycheck.  I had to spend more than two hundred dollars this paycheck that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  People planning and playing games with my time and my paycheck.  Making me believe I had to see a movie, I had to go to a certain theater, I had to buy take-out food – from more than one restaurant.  Oh, and by the way the food from the second stop tasted as though someone had gone to the grocery store.  I could have done better.  Planning on ways to make me have my garage door serviced again, the gas, etc.  Over two hundred dollars?!  That is a lot of money for anyone.

I am tired of it.  I am tired of having to live this way.  I do not choose this life on my own.  I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

Making me believe people or a person can lay claim to a certain street, and if I go to a certain gas station, or exit from a gas station on a certain side then a certain team, or story line has control over my life?!

I’m fucking sick of it!

There isn’t any reason I shouldn’t be able to find and have a job that I can actually live off of?!

G-13 is no longer on my vehicle!  What a dumb waste of time!

What a waste of money!  If I got to choose, I would be saving money.  I would be living better.

I am so sick of this depression that makes me want to hurt myself just for relief.  And, guess what there is nothing anyone can do about it.  There is no fail-safe measures that could stop me from causing harm to myself.

Married Men, Sick Of You Both!

Hey God, can you do me a favor?

Can you please stop sending men to me who pretend to claim professions of love for me, then show up to introduce their wives to me.  What do they actually expect I will respond with in return?!

Listen up!  I am happy to walk away from you warring two keeping me in the past that I let go of – gladly – years ago.  Not that anyone else would actually believe that since you do not allow me to be me, or have control over my own life.

And you wonder why I don’t want anything to do with either of you?!

Both of you are selfish.

I once said in referrence to how the South tried and fought so hard to keep slavery naming excuse after excuse and believing it to be the only way to live.

~ You cannot stop progress, you can only delay it for a while. ~

For history proved the great sin of slavery, the myth of its importance, and its worthlessness to the economy.  With the shackles removed, life began for every person.

You’ll see.