Reality Shows End

You know, reality shows only last for a few months, not for years.  When there is a problem or a concern the talent is able to go behind the faux walls and speak with the producers.  They are also able to leave the show.

But, more than that they go into with full knowledge of a begin and end date, what to expect, what is expected of them, oh, yes, and they seek it to begin with.

I am not fooled by either you, David, or you, James.  Neither one of you have any concept of the meaning of love.  I do not wish or want to be a part of either of your families.  My family was lost that day at the dentist.  That was the last day my mother was real and not an actor in disguise.

I want to know how my mother died, when she died, and when she was buried because it was not the way you claimed or said it to be.

I believe some child of a man-boy thought he had a crush on me, and both David and James thought they could use him.  When all I wanted was to get away from David.  I have been trying to get away from David.  When you called me delusional, David for being able to see you and know you were following me and having me followed, I wanted nothing more than to get away from you.  I want to move away so you could not drive by my house anymore, or walk by my house, or have people tell you what I was doing in my life.  If I had a choice I would never choose you again.  You have no idea the damage you have done and caused me.  I am glad you are happy.  Please, let me go.  Allow me to be happy.  Forget I ever made you laugh once, so I can be happy again.

James Franco: I am not crazy or delusional.  I want nothing to do with you ever.  I am not now nor have I ever been the slightest bit in love or like with you.  You have taken away my whole life.  Years of my life when I could have been happy, had a real man who I was attracted to in my life – you, have taken from me.  You belong in your world.  I do not belong nor do I want to be apart of your world – ever!  You do not know the meaning of the word – love.  When you love someone you let them go, you allow them to be happy at the risk of your own heart-break.  I am not fooled by you.  There is not a single person in this world who loves the way I love.  I will never love you, nor will I ever want you.

My head is heavy from watching Schindler’s List.  I remember when I saw it in the theater.  I did not want to see Schindler’s List when it came out.  When you’ve witnessed something, had a trauma, or taken part of an event so gruesome some people choose not to go back to it.  You place it neatly behind, fold all the corners, and place it out of view.  Four years after my visit to Dachau, I had still not been able to wrap my brain around what had taken place between me and God at the concentration camp, in the town, and on the journey.

I believe it was a long time past the general release of the film when I saw it playing at a matinée.  I remembered the movie in detail, however what I recall is the run-down theater.  The kind that have spent too many days in complete darkness with no fresh air to fill it with life.  Too much soda pop and popcorn neglected and forgotten.  Because if no one shine a light on it, then who can see what has fallen.  I saw it not in the grand cineplex’s of today, but what had once been an idea of a big theater which was only one more than a few theaters, tucked away in a quasi-strip mall with a costume shop in the corner.  It struck me at the time for I wondered how a costume shop stayed in business all year when Halloween only happened once a year.

For me the very end of the film, seeing the real people who survived, inspired, and lived meant more to me than the whole movie.  When it is real, so real that words would only dilute the depth of the emotion, then it is something more than a film.  A truth has been captured that cannot be erased, forgotten, or perverted.

Twenty some years later and it still fills me with a heavy head.

I want the walls to come down.  Denying something happened does not mean it did not happen.  Denying something is wrong, does not mean something is not wrong.  I want wine and a bubble bath, I want to be able to live my life without control, being told, or directed how to live my own life, what to purchase, what to buy, where to walk, where to drive.  I want a man who does not wear a disguise, or uses body paint to love me for who I am, and for real without an ear piece, or a voice in his head telling him what to say, and how to touch me.

I want my womanhood back.

She has been neglected so long, I am uncertain if it will ever come back.