What I Want

Why should someone else get to tell me what kind of person I am?

Why should someone else get to tell me what kind of man I like, what kind of job and career I like and want, what kind of food I want and like, what kind of movies I like, what kind of detergent, clothes, soap, lotions, make-up, etc. why should and does someone else get to tell me what I like and want?!

I went on two trips back in 2015, I never got to stay at any of the hotels I wanted to stay at.  I wanted to stay at The Best Western in New Orleans, not because of the brand, or the color of the rooms, or the name of the street I wanted to stay their because I had not yet been to that part of New Orleans.  The same thing happened in Key West, I wanted to stay at The Key Lime Inn because it had a front porch, and I had yet to be familiar with that part of Key West.  Also, I wanted to stay at The Watershed in NC.  I was talked out of that one in so many ways.

How is that someone else got to be appointed over my hopes, desires, and wishes for my life?!

Thank God Debbie Died

I don’t mean Debbie from the movie I just saw, Same Kind Of Different As Me.  I mean I am glad Debbie/Deborah who played the minister at my brother’s wedding, who maneuvered me into sitting on the opposite side of my brother at his wedding.  I am glad she is dead and gone.  I know my brother’s wedding is a complete sham.  They have never acted like a couple, and his husband appears to be a different man every time I see him.

I walked to my car tonight and someone had scratched a 2 at my rear tire on the pavement.  I mean really, I am still here like this?!!  I am still having to live this life of which side of my own garage I walk in and out from?!

I want to get away from you David.

Someone has altered my WEN so that my private parts no matter how much soap of water I use constantly feel sticky.  I have no idea how much you must despise a person to sink so low as to want to violate their genitals.  It’s disgusting.  It is inappropriate in the workplace.

A man who actually cares shows up in person.  He does not send a second or third-party.  He actually does it himself.

I am so disgusted by you David.  James Franco is an idiot whom I only met on a monorail once.  Oh yeah, and he donned a disguise and worked with me at The Container Store, but I do not know him.  I will never believe nor care for him in that way.  I am not so simple to believe any celebrity or famous person given my current condition could or does ever see me in that way.

Life is simply not worth living without love.  I cannot begin to imagine the cruelty a person must have to condemn a person to forced isolation and solitude for these many years.

How do I get to move on?  How do I get to have a life of my own?  I bought gas at that gas station because I did not have any other choice.  If I was able to choose on my own, I would choose differently.  But, I do not have control over my life anymore.  And, I am tired of every other person having power of me to tell me how and where to drive and park my car, etc.

You may think I am just tired from having to be up two days and nights in a row to get everything done I was unofficially assigned to do.  But, I never want to see you again David.  Things can never go back anymore.  I am so ashamed of any connection to you anymore.

My garage door has been so finicky I don’t feel comfortable leaving the interior lock .  Why should I not be allowed keyed access into my own home?  Why should anyone else be allowed keyed access into my home?

I am sick from sleep deprivation.

You make me sick David.

Tired Of Purchases And Returns

Have you ever been out running and seen Harrison Ford go driving by?  Hey, isn’t that Harrison Ford looking like he is enjoying himself?!

I am so emotionally and physically spent.

There is a drain on my body and what the human mind and brain can endure.  I’ve gone well beyond that.

I have a problem with my clothes dryer Ic an neither fix nor solve.  A load of towels takes more than 8 hours to dry.  Hours and hours and hours each load of laundry it takes to dry.  I’ve tried dryer balls, moving the dryer in case there was a kink in the vent, vacuuming the vent.  It is hopeless, and beyond my comprehension.

Some Of My Favorite Things

I love WEN.  I have never used anything that can compare to WEN.  After my first use, I never wanted to use another hair product again.  So, it is a painful betrayal when my favorite products are ruined and destroyed.

I don’t know how this happens.  Perhaps it is related to my job, but it has been the same since I moved into this house.  I come home from work and I find graffiti on my granite counter tops.  Pictures of hearts, winking eyes, and mouths open.  I hate them.

It feels like someone has put a hidden camera in my car and radio, so I cover them up with tape so I cannot be seen.  One time, I saw Vanessa Redgrave driving behind me.  I said, that looks like Vanessa Redgrave, then on the radio came a song about washing things clean.  I came home from work, and when I put my hands under the water they turned bright red and in pain.  It took lots of creams, disinfectants, and more than a week for them to look normal again.  But, I cannot forget what happened.  It is related to work or my job.  I don’t know how people or a person get access to my house.  I have changed the locks more times than I can count on my hands and toes.  I taped the locks, I’ve locked my refrigerator.

Recently, after I came home from work I took a sip of bottled water and instantly my belly filled with pain.  Burping, painful gas that lasted more than a day from just a sip.  There are more occurrences than I can name at this time.  But, I will be writing them here from now on so that it does not go quiet anymore.

My last WEN purchase was altered after I left for work, so that I am forced to wash my hair in the kitchen sink instead of in the shower.

Who wouldn’t want to look for a new job of that is the only conclusion I can come up with.  That is someone at my job must hate or despise me so that they try to ruin everything in my life.  Unless it is a neighbor who know when I leave for work.

Whatever the case may be, I do not laugh anymore because of it.

I will not turn on my radio anymore in my car because of what happened to my hands.  It is unforgivable.

WEN, Ole Henricksen, Liz Earle, Nutri-Metics, Neutrogena, CoverGirl, Smash Box, L’ Occitane, Ahava, Parissa, Evian water in a spray can, Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint soap, Garden Of Life these are just some of my favorite brands.  Based on the quality of the product, attention to detail, and value for the money.

I became an Apple person for life from my first purchase.  I purchased a shuffle, so many years ago.  When I opened the package, I fell in love.  I saw the detail, the time and consideration that went into the presentation.  I never looked back or to another product after that.

It is just how I am.

Kitchen – And An Appreciator, Not a Fan

This kitchen I have does not function.  It has no pantry that can hold anything more than a few things.  It is not designed with the ease of use.  There are odd corners, barely any storage, and not enough counter space.  Not to mention the lack of privacy.

I dream in food and of food anymore.

I miss my house.  I miss the house I spent twenty plus years in for a few reasons.  My brother said he was going to retire in that house.  My brother loves Florida, and has wanted to remain in Florida.  I am of a different opinion.  However, because my brother always said he wanted to retire in that I house I spent money on that house I never would have otherwise.  If it was going to remain in the family then, it was an investment I could live with.  Over the years, I probably spent more than $20,000. on improvements to that house.  There was a sunroom in the back that had windows on three sides, so when watching television you never felt shut out from the rest of the world.  You could take a moment to watch the birds, or the squirrels, the scenery was always in view.  There were skylights in that house.  There were windows all around, so there was light, and a view in every room, I had a fireplace, and a pool, built-in shelving in the pantry, hallway, bedrooms, and garage.  There was an attic that was accessible.

I had trees.  I planted a birch tree, and an almond tree.  We had a camphor tree, a grapefruit tree, a mandarin orange tree, a lemon, a kumquat, a loquat tree.  We had creeping fig, a root beer plant, and a dragon fruit plant.  Azalea’s all around, so there were colorful blooms nearly year round.  Plumbago, a china doll tree, juniper, crepe myrtle, creeping peanut, day lilies, gardenia’s, jasmine, pineapple, oak trees, an Angel’s trumpet plant, a dogwood tree, and a Golden Rain Tree.

We had multiple ponds with Koi fish.  One pond had a creek that trickled into a waterfall falling into another pond with a swing to sit by.  There were clusters of trees that we designed each section be different, so each one felt like an outdoor room with a bench or swing to sit.

Tons of wood decking to walk, or place chairs, and a built-in bench to sit.

We had honeysuckle – which is delicious to eat, gladioli, night-blooming cactus that we used to give people cuttings of because all you had to do was stick in the ground and it grew, so many different bulbs I can’t remember all the names and they were always a surprise when they would emerge from the ground.

I had birdhouses, and bird feeders, and birdbaths to be viewed by a window from inside the house.  So, there were endless blue jays or scrub jays, cardinals, morning doves, mockingbirds, titmice, squirrels, and finches.  I got to see a Mr. and a Mrs. Painted Bunting one winter which was the most beautiful sight I nearly screamed and dropped what I was holding in my hands.

I miss that house.  Mostly because I thought I needed to start a new life from that home, but this is not worth living.  It was not worth giving up what I invested especially since my brother always said he wanted to retire in that house.  It sat on a cul-de-sac higher than the other streets.

I miss my Thursday and Tuesday.  I miss my Fuzzy-One-Kenobi, my Pumpkin pie, my Senor Fluffy Pants, my Lambchop Legs, he was my Thursday. I miss Tuesday, Too-Too, Princess Too-Too.  They were not fat cats to me, they were my cats.  I stroller trained them, I leash trained them.  I feel I have been lied to, tricked and manipulated.  It is still more than a year and a half later and it is still hurtful and painful.  I have a Maurice The Handsome, a Lambert The Good, a Murphy The Magnificent, but I should still have my other two cats.  If only there was a man in my life half as good as some of the animals I’ve known.

It is beyond depression living with such loss.

So, I dream in food to stave the depression and thoughts of suicide.

I want breakfast for dinner, scrambled eggs and bacon, toast with butter and fresh jam, strawberry jam, blueberry jam, blackberry jam, orange marmalade, lemon curd, apple butter, honey butter, honey butter with cinnamon, omelets filled with vegetables and cheese, salsa or hot sauce or top, or fresh sliced tomatoes, pancakes with butter and syrup, french toast with sausage, swedish pancakes plain or with peanut butter and syrup, or filled with fruit, veggie-sausage and biscuits with gravy, fresh scones with currants or any other fruit made with cold butter so they have the right consistency, all served with fresh fruit, fresh brewed coffee or hot tea with sugar and cream – a must.

I make the best Dagwood sandwiches with potato chips in them piled high and not anything you find in a restaraunt.

I make the best salads with everything in them but the kitchen sink.  Lettuce, tomato, chick peas, cucumber, sprouts, cottage cheese, sunflower seeds, sesame crunchy sticks, red onions, peas, bean salad, served with fresh crusty bread you can either have with butter, or olive oil and spices.  And white wine.

I make the best desserts.  Chewy Gingersnaps are my favorite to eat, they are not like the hard taste-less gingersnaps you buy in a box at the store.  Mine actually have flavor.  Lemon criss-cross cookies with raisins and a sugar crust, Molasses cookies, Super cookies that have everything butterscotch morsels, M&M’s, etc., Nanaimo bars, What cake, Blackberry cobbler with ice cream or fresh whipped cream, sweet cherry pie,  cheesecake, blueberry pie, all with fresh whipped cream, pumpkin pie with eggnog, pecan pie, puffed-wheat squares, but everyone loves my rice krispies treat for some reason.  I make the rice krispies squares and a Christmas wreath made with corn flakes and green food coloring.  Every gathering I have ever brought them to one person in the group will eventually hoard the dish to themselves.  One person told me they had green poop following their indulgence.  I don’t know why people go crazy for it other than I don’t follow the recipe exactly, I use my nose until it smells the way I want it to.

I love baking bread.  I enjoy kneading the dough.  It’s a certain kind of pleasure and stress reliever in kneading dough.  Dill bread is one of my favorite recipes it is a little hearty and less crusty.  It is so good with Welsh rarebit, sprouts, fresh sliced tomato and salt and paper.  You eat it with a knife and fork.  It is delicious.  Serve it with beer.

I love Thanksgiving dinner.  One year I splurged and bought an Organic turkey – it cost about a weeks groceries, but the flavor was different from anything before.

Colcannon with cabbage and rutabaga.  Yum.  Mint peas, curried peas, creamed onions, honey carrots are some of my favorites.

Swedish meatballs with dill sauce and green beans.  Yum.

Plus, it is a must to serve with meals pickled beets, cocktail onions, and olives to add to your plate.

I dream of a simple meal of fresh green salad dressed with a light oil sprinkled with salt and pepper, and topped with shaved parmesan.  A crusty bread to dip.  Olives of all sorts, cuts of cheeses, some drizzled with honey.  And white wine to be followed by red wine served at an outdoor table, and talking the night away.

I have a feeling I am going to be sharing more food stories.

But, I want it to be said – I know this is out of context – I am not a fan of actors, or films, or television.  I am an appreciator, and this is a huge difference.  And, BTW chickens are male and female.  All birds are male and female.

 

I Was Never Any Good At It Anyway

I woke up in the dark today.

There was a time in my life when all I wanted was to act, direct, write, produce, sing, dance all of it.  Then, life happened to me, and I grew older and the bills grew bigger than I could keep up with.  And, I put childish notions of a life bigger than the one I was already living away.  Plus, I have seen video of my own performances, and I was never any good.  I just thought I was better than I was.

Then, reality happened to me, and I know with certainty I will never want to be apart of the lime-light, or even be apart of anyone famous, or a celebrities life in any way.  Of my own free-will I will never choose it again.  If my job is not dependant upon it, if my lively-hood is not threatened from being cut off, I would and will never choose it again.

2012 happened to me.  One of the worst years of my life.  Just when I thought my life was going to start being different, just when I thought I could begin living a full life all my careful planning went away.

Is it decompression that happens?  When a solider goes to war they have to decompress after which can take years.

I feel I need to decompress.  I feel all I am capable of anymore is lying in bed since I can fall asleep within minutes at any time even on my lunch break at work.  Wake up after more than just 2, 3, or 4 hours of sleep, have something to eat, take a shower, and go back to sleep again.  And, that is a lot because I really don’t even want to get out of my pajama’s most days.  Shut the world out.  Take ever bit of hidden meaning with it.  This is not a life lived the way I have had to earn money these last few years.  Because there isn’t any reason why companies, any company wouldn’t hire me, or interview me.  So, that I could earn a living on my own, and have to constantly figure out how to solve the problems that keep spitting in my face and destroying my life.

I have been unable since 2012 to build a life with any future.  That is what people do, they make goals to work towards.  Yet, I have been unable in nearly three years to even buy simple things like new clothing.  All my money and paychecks get spent before I get paid.  Purposeful problems happen to me that I have to correct.

My brain feels like a thin wire that’s been severed, but the current is still running, zapping randomly because it no longer has its protective sheathing.

I want to go back to sleep, or do anything that will shut my brain off and remove me from this existence.  It is not worth being alive for.

I wish I had never met you, David Wolfe.  I used to remember college with fondness, however these last few years have shown me you are different than I ever could have imagined.  Regardless, of what I do or buy, the truth is I wish I had never met you.  My heart remains unmoved from regret of knowing you.  I would never wish upon my worst enemy even one of the things that has happened to me since 2012.

There is this stupidness of soft or hard, wet or dry, dog or cat or horse, the list goes on.  It is the dumbest thing anyone could ever imagine.  Because skin is soft – it should be either for a man or a woman.  Women are maternal they are hard-wired that way.  I am a woman, I was born a woman, will always be a woman, and never wanted to be anything else.  Skin is not meant to remain in constant wetness, it was not designed to remain underwater, or in constant wetness.  A human cannot mimic, model, or in any other form copy themselves after an animal.  Humans are a higher form of being than an animal.  And, God made us in His image – not after an animals.

Regardless, of what I do or buy – the truth is – I wish I had never met you, David.

Edison

Edison -or-whatever-your-fucking-name-really-is,

You fucking lousy lay!

You worthless child of a man!

Do you honestly think for one moment I cared for you in any way?!  I was only with you to prove to David Kahit Wolfe that I was not a threat.  So, he would stop following me and having me watched!

At the very sound of your voice, I exclaimed, OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!!

We were never a match in any way!

It was nothing more than a set-up!

I saw the look of fear in your false eyes when you saw the look in my eye when I saw David Kahit Wolfe sitting there at Panera.

Do you think for one moment it was you that made me funny that could for one second could ever make me laugh?!

You are the very reason I had to stop dating because of your treacherous deceit!  There is not a chance I could ever let an experience like that happen AGAIN!!!!

IT WAS NEVER YOU!!!  YOU STUPID USELESS FUCK OF A MAN!!!!!!!!!

Not a fucking chance I ever want to see you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to hear you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to know of your existence again!!!

I am by far the greater person!

I am by far of woman of so much better worth than a man like you should ever have been allowed to be involved with, or around, or anywhere near me, or my life – EVER!!!!

You think you made me?!  You think you made me into something?!

It was ONLY because of David Wolfe.

I want you removed from every part of my life permanently!

You disgusting, ugly worthless man!

YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You stay the fuck off my computer!  You stay the fuck off my internet!

YOU FUCKING MANIPULATIVE FUCK!!!!!!

You weaseled your way into my life!  You weaseled your way into a fucking job!

If I hadn’t been trying to make a point to David Kahit Wolfe I would NEVER have gone out with you!

Oh yeah, and by the fucking way after my first meeting with you I never wanted to see you again!  I was fucking manipulated, and mind-tricked into the entire experience of you!

I would rather die than EVER see you in or out of your stupid, fucking disguise!

I used to make myself sick at the shame-filled memory of that time, however I have come to forgive myself for ever encounter with you for I did not have complete control over the situation.

There was never a moment of any feelings I had for you.  I just wanted to feel sexually desirable to a man.  There is nothing wrong in that, there is nothing criminal in wanting to be wanted by a man, there is nothing perverse, there is nothing I did wrong to deserve being forced into exile the way I have been removed from the entire world.

I will never remember any of that time with anything but disgust.

I would rather have killed myself than to live like this, I would rather the world didn’t know me at all than to live like this.

I wish I had never met David than to have lived these last few years.

I wouldn’t wish this existence upon my worst enemy.