Hard To Imagine

This is something I wrote several months ago.  I am still working on this, I am working on whether or not this still applies to me.  I will be writing about Twilight in the near future, so I will respond to that point when I get to write it.  However, men and happy endings, romance, fairy-tale bliss has never been a reality for me, or what has happened in my life.  Every woman deserves to be the leading lady in her own life, and not someone left, or shared, or cast aside alone in a bubble.  Yet God help me, I will love men until the day I die, and perhaps even after that.

It occurred to me today the reason I was always Team Jacob when reading the Twilight books before has to do with my own relationships and romantic life.

I have never experienced a happy ending with any of the men I’ve dated, slept with, or almost married.

I have never been the girl the man sweeps off her feet or has her dreams come true.  So, how could I have ever related to the character Bella when I’ve never experienced that for myself?

Don’t get me wrong I have always enjoyed the Bella and Edward story I just never felt how that story line could ever apply to me – such fantasy.

Hard to imagine being a woman and not even allowing yourself the fantasy of being loved by a man who would love you in return for the rest of your life.  Yet, I am understanding – I guess my whole life I’ve never envisioned that there would be a man who would want to be with me for the rest of my life.

I’ve never visualized that future – ever.

Perhaps because there are so few men that I’ve met that can hold me and hold my attention.  It’s not a sex thing or being friends with men it has to do with that thing that indescribable quality that draws me in.

Really it should be rare to find that quality.

But, I should be visualizing a future where I can share and spend it with a man who is worthy and who is good and kind to me.

Or, maybe it isn’t important.

It does seem impossible for me, or maybe that is how I protect myself believing that fantasy and happy ending can happen for others but not for myself.

Everyone deserves a happy ending but me.  What’s wrong with that picture?  What’s wrong with me?  Besides the million and one crazy things that happen around me these past, how many years is it now?

Oh well.

Time to go to sleep.

I’ll try and work on the visualizing.

Who could really blame me given these last few years that have been done to me