June 19, 2017
Dear Mr. ,
So depressed today. I wonder why that is? Probably has something to do with fact that I was forced to shit myself while at . So that I had to use the bathroom that is anything but funny and does nothing but humiliate me even further.
I am not going to continue writing about the smile series of what I think my vision should be, or give any sort of direction. I know it’s not real. I know I have no control. I know there is nothing I can do that will change anything in my life. I know there isn’t anything that is real at all. Not even you Mr. . I will write their names down, but I’m done. I know there isn’t anything I can contribute that will change, make a difference, or have any impact. Because this life is still going by someone else’s rules and playbook that has long since expired, and was never true for me. Again, because I was never in love with any of those glass men. I was never in love or even liked the skin suit person, nor do I like or want to ever hear another voice in my head that is not my own.
I have said and written before that I never wanted a woman using whatever it is called when they can hear my thoughts – the helmet. The helmet is more personal and intimate, it is a violation to me and who I am when a woman uses it. It is a violation when anyone uses it.
So depressing. I don’t get to be understood. I don’t get to change any of the previous rules. How I left yesterday? I would rather kill myself than continue living in this way. Every person and celebrity I saw and thought I was doing a good thing through purchases or gas has used me only to hurt me. It is so humiliating.
I don’t even know why I would start something like a smile series when I do not smile anymore. When I go to there is no communication to me everyone talks down to me makes me feel inadequate, simple, and dumb when I am none of those things. There is nothing empowering, creative, fun, or enjoyable at .
So, I will not ask for your help again. You don’t know how because you are not real. It is just some ploy they use to make me continue.
I should never have turned on that radio again even if I do miss listening to music. I never wanted to be viewed or listened to while I listen to the . I don’t want that radio broadcasting. All it has ever done has been used against me to hurt me, defile my body, and make me feel stupid and untalented.
Forced to make a U-turn at the stoplight so you could charge me for the products that I already returned. But, I don’t even get to keep people out of my house while I’m gone or while I am here. So, you come into the house and take the receipt for the travel set that I returned, then I don’t have the tracking number to correct and call out mistake. So, everyone gets to hurt and humiliate me.
I don’t know why I would take the time to thank anyone when I do not care about celebrities like that. I don’t care about stardom. I was simply an appreciator, but in return I’ve been humiliated, laughed at, made fun of, had my private moments taken from me, had my humanity ripped from me, forced to choose between men I care nothing for just so they can laugh and make fun of me as they get to have their own personal life with their woman and make me feel like a cheap whore.
Why would I continue writing when everyone else gets to hurt me by doing things like making me shit myself at . Utterly humiliating. Then, to add further humiliation because I was made to shit myself, I don’t even get to be emotionally upset by it. So, I am punished with low numbers. Why?! Because I didn’t look up at the person opposite of me? Did anyone else at have to shit themselves?! No. I don’t get the opportunity to emotionally work through or go through anything, and you wonder why I will never again want to go back to California, or have anything to do with a James Franco. I still have to follow these rules that never applied to me. I just haven’t had any other choice.
So depressed. I would rather think of ways to hurt and harm myself, so that I don’t have to live through another day of someone else’s rules. So, that I don’t have to another day where someone else gets to make me shit myself.
Do you know what I said before about that dating experience of being tricked, manipulated, and raped by a skin suit. I told my brother this in 2014, I told people on the phone, I told many people this – I would rather have been beaten within an inch of my life, left on the street for dead than to ever have had that experience. Because that I could understand. Being beaten and left for dead I can understand. Spending years of being used, tricked, set-up, and never having one real date to make me do something desperate I will never understand.
Do you think I ever want to have to protect myself by thinking of ways to hurt myself?! No. But, when you have no control, or ways to create change, or anything, how else is a person supposed to feel?!
I know the only reason I heard at Home Depot, I want us to be a family, was just so that I would watch a movie and it means and meant nothing more.
My mother would be so ashamed of my life as I am so ashamed of my life. So ashamed of this kind of life.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 