Dear Mr. David Wolfe,
How very happy I am for you. I am so happy to discover your marriage, your success, and that you are happy in life.
We’ve shared moments in college that I will be forever grateful that I got to live them and enjoy them. Not all of them good.
Sitting on the lawn talking, I was smoking cigarettes while talking with you. You were going away to college. It was going to be the last time I saw you again even though you said it wouldn’t be. I knew you were bound for bigger things. I hugged you good-bye and walked home, but I looked back just to see you once more.
Do you remember emailing me about whether I made it to New York or not? I know I sent a reply trying to be witty, but I think it came across poorly since you never returned a reply.
Do you know I think I saw Andrew on campus? I think that was his name. He was your best friend, and after you left for University I believe it was he who called after me, maybe trying to get my attention. I don’t know. I didn’t speak to him. I only recalled it later.
Do you know that after my mother had her very last stroke, I sat by her bedside with my back to the open door – very unlike me – praying over and over and over for hours for her to be healed. The nurse walked in flipped on the light switch, quickly turning to face me expecting to find me napping. And asked, are you having a good visit? Then, asked me to leave. I walked out of her room into the hall I heard your name whispered in my ear – quite audibly.
It took me a long time to piece together all the phone calls you made to me while I was working at Disney. I looked you up on the internet, I tried to understand who you were then. If you were different from the David I knew before. It was wrong of me to do. I am sorry I ever looked you up on-line. It was a mistake that should never have happened.
I tried to be your friend again because there was such an ease to our conversations, regardless of all the other yelling and screaming that happened. There were other times when I could just talk to you.
I was unaware at that cast party, where you were drinking Guiness on the sofa, that going out and smoking a cigar from the show just to see what it was like might or could in any way hurt you. I am sorry if that act in any way caused you pain, hurt, or discomfort.
I am sorry I had to unfriend you on fb. I want you to know I was protecting my family. I’m sorry it ever took place to begin with, perhaps – no, I think it would have been better had I never contacted you again. For everyone concerned.
There was so much going on at the time. I believe I’ve been followed, listened in on, my computer hacked, etc. I was trying to understand who and why would any person do such a thing. I took it out on you trying to get answers. You never responded to me, other than the one time of calling me delusional. That was when I understood you shut the door.
Still, I didn’t believe you. I kept trying to make amends, but that was wrong of me. I never should have contacted you again. You wanted me out of your life, and it was wrong of me to believe otherwise. I am sorry if I’ve caused pain or discomfort at all over the years.
Walking into Starbucks on my lunch break, instead of walking to the counter I naturally started walking to where you were sitting. I felt myself just starting to say, hello. When what felt like a heavy steel door slam into my mind’s eye as I recalled your words – delusional. I believed you meant those words for reasons I didn’t and still don’t understand. So, I turned from you and went about my day. I looked back just to check my memory when I saw you wearing ankle socks. I have no idea why I remember you wore ankle socks.
I believed I had made it once I was back at work, a co-worker approached me and she knew I had just seen you. My whole body trembled with mortification. I could go on, but based on previous communications I know hearing from me is not important.
I used to believe we could always be friends, as we were in college. Even in college who you were dating didn’t matter we could still talk. For me, this has changed. The happy memories I used to hold onto have turned into a world of hurt, humiliation, and shame. I cannot control or contain the hurt I feel because of you.
I am tired of feeling ashamed for having cared for you before. I am tired of being put down for believing in you when you did not do the same for me. I am where I am, and you are where you are, and some things will never be.
I worked in a store once, there was an Alfredo there. I asked if I could call him Fredo because he felt like family.
There was a time in college, I was standing up in front of everyone, I don’t remember what for. You were in the front row with this big eager grin on your face. I couldn’t tell if you were trying to make fun of me, or interested in what I had to say. I called you Dave, and asked if it bothered you at all for me to call you Dave. You said it didn’t matter. From then on, sometimes I called you Dave and sometimes you were David to me.
Do you remember that Halloween spending the night drinking? As night turned into morning we all decided to go out for breakfast. I was so excited because I was going to be able to spend more time with you. Then, I don’t know what you said exactly, but you destroyed me, and made me feel stupid again in a sentence. Driving to Denny’s I steeled my heart to protect myself from you. When I got to Denny’s you were playing at those vending machine games. You won that stuffed animal. Handing me a Halloween bear with bats on the feet. I believed you were trying to make fun of me again so I refused to take it. The bear was still in the theater several days later, I finally took it home.
When I was cleaning out the house packing things to move, I found the bear again. My mother had kept it. I was going through boxes she had packed away before her strokes – we were going to move before she had her strokes – and lo and behold there was the bear I was still uncertain whether you meant it to make up for hurting me, or if it was another way for you to make fun of me. It was one thing I could never tell with you, your sincerity.
You know, I dated a man once – at least I think it was a man – who talked like you which is the only way that man could have ever come near me. I am so far out of his league and can’t believe we were paired. It was the worst dating experience of my life. The worst gift anyone could give. I wish it had never happened and I could erase it from my mind entirely.
This life I’m living is so ridiculous I can barely feel anything other than extreme rage. Why would anyone want to make another person feel that way?! It’s embarrassing being forced to choose between men.
For me, there is so much hurt caused in your name.
I want you to know that I will always love you. However, I am not in love with you, nor have I ever been in love with you. It is not the same thing at all.
I hope in some small way this can ease any hurt I may have caused.
Congratulations. Good luck. I am truly so happy for you.
Cherith Gjestland
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 