Let me preface this post with this important fact, when I mention my cats and feeling they would be better off without me, or dead it was the greatest warning I could give. My pleas, my begging for all this to end was going unheard. I knew that those around me would know my animals were very important to me. Since, my life was neither important or worth saving I was hoping someone would hear my plea for them, and help me. That has not happened. So, I am writing instead.
Depresion 101
March 3, 2016
So depressed.
So unhappy.
So miserable.
I did not realize that the only reason for my existence was so that others could watch my misery and destruction.
Nothing I do changes anything or get better or makes a difference.
Nothing is okay anymore and hasn’t been for years now.
I feel like I am nothing more than some rich boy’s toy that he uses, messes with, and hurts.
I will never be free and have a life that is mine.
Noting in my life is real anymore. I can’t trust anyone because no one actually talks to me among other things.
So depressed. It doesn’t get any better no matter what I do.
Every single day my entire day is filled with cleaning up and clearing a path for myself only to find someone has blocked me inside. There is no escape.
This is the worst punishment imaginable.
Here I was thinking enough of myself that I believed I was special when in reality it turns out they have chosen to torture me, make me feel worthless, and punish me every day of my life.
Where is the victory for a person to be treated this way?
Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.
What purpose and motive does my life have any longer?
Trapped with no escape, with no motive, or incentive, or purpose, or value. I don’t even want to take care of my own animals any longer. I feel they would be better off if I gave them away, or euthanized them. Because I see no purpose or value in my life any longer.
There is no James. There never was. Tired of being used.
Tired of James and all his women – leave me alone. Can’t he go be with his million men and women who want to sleep with him?
Since this all started happening it has had the most negative impact and effect upon me. I have become more and more secluded and pulled within myself – as a way of protecting myself. I have no job security with any job I’ve had. I’ve had a mountain of debt I’ve tried to maintain. All of this has kept me from pursuing and being a part of anything. All it does is push me further and further down rather than inspire or motivate.
Which I guess started with Marvin at The Container Store pushing me out the door, unable to support myself. I would not have returned to Florida had I been able to plan an exit.
Nothing I do matters or means anything nor changes anything that affects me. I have too many worries and concerns.
There is a very real and serious problem with this in my life. Not being able to speak to anyone in any real way is a very dangerous psychological problem. It has seriously stunted any growth or learning I could have had as a person.
It never ends.
And, I never asked for it. I did and do not seek it. I simply asked to have a life and to be able to live.
Serious. Serious. Serious, deadly, and very dangerous problem with this that takes place around me.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 