July 18, 2017
To Jeremy Renner:
Flip-flops,
Hard and bloated belly. Everything just goes to make my belly bloat and stick out. It’s horrible. I’ve spent too many years weighing over 230 lbs. to ever want to go back. It’s demoralizing. So, I starve myself to keep my weight in my control. There is no excuse for eating one small meal and gaining weight. Year after year after year. How can I not want to kill myself instead?!
It has an effect on how I view my and my .
I miss my house. I miss having things that are mine and mine alone and in my control. I miss having the world not know who I am.
I am still fucking pissed as hell. I was told over and over how James Franco lied to me and to everyone in my head yesterday. David Wolfe also lied.
Let me tell you something about David Wolfe. When I met and knew him he was a waiter at Carrabba’s. He would show up to school in his server uniform of khaki’s and white long-sleeved shirt. Funnily enough it happens to be the same colors as the inside of my house. We went to eat together one day after theater rehearsal. He drove me to Rio Bravo. It was nice. As we started walking to the restaurant he pointed out another woman and said she was beautiful. And, asked if I agreed. The whole of me sank. I realized then I must have been too excited being around him, and that was his way if telling me it’s like that between us. See, that is the kind of woman I like and want – is what he told me.
So, I’ve been told David has moved on from his days as a server. I was told in my head yesterday, who do you think it footing the bill. I guess meaning everything that is going on. I have been told that David has financial means. For me, it was never about that. I never cared that he was a server, or that he had crooked teeth (I never saw that, I only mention it because I know he had braces and it was a concern for him) or that he shared an apartment or anything.
For me, I had never before nor since met a man like David. I would look in his eyes and the world disappeared. I didn’t want to look away. I didn’t care that the whole class was watching and laughing. Nothing else mattered or existed as long as I looked at him. But, we are lousy at speaking to one another, we always have been. Most of our conversation amounted to shouting matches, huge blow-ups, and storming off. And, never making up to each other.
On Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, I played Big Momma and David played Gooper. The blocking was: I was stage left, and David was stage right, we each were to turn and face each other at the same time from opposite side of the stage. Every time I got to turn to see him was like a jump for joy. The director had to change the blocking. I believe he said something about it looking like incest since he was supposed to be my son-in-law.
Another time back stage, David was sitting down with Alisha on his lap kissing him. She happened to be one of my good friends. My immediate reaction is I will show you how to kiss David! She has no idea how to do it! However, as I approached him it occurred to me he might actually like her. It caused enough doubt in my mind, I stopped.
Whatever screaming and yelling we did and said to each other – for me – would end in moments. After the kissing my friend incident, David was walking backstage and genuine pain and hurt was all I could see. I was pissed at him. I mean mad as hell that I could barely speak. But, when I saw him all I wanted to do was take the pain away. I asked him if he was ok, it sort of stopped him. He seemed to ease a bit.
We have never made up to each other. And, too much time has passed. On top of all the skin-suit horrors. You see, I was never for one moment happy with Edison. It was all an act. How could it not be anything but an act since it was all make-believe. There never existed one moment that was real. To be clear the act I am refering to is simply that it was not real. It was not love. I wanted to get laid – by a man who has always been a man. Jesus, I mean what does an attractive woman have to do to be noticed by a man around here? That is what I meant by an act. I am not the first woman to fuck a man whom she wasn’t in love with, and used him for sex. I will not be the last.
I have just been trying to have a man in my life who would actually love me as me for who I am. But, the only men in my whole life who I’ve encountered only want to use me which include James Franco and David Wolfe.
I have been under the impression that it was David Wolfe disguised as Craig Slotty who I met at Ikea and we went to the car show where I drooled endlessly over the Aston Martin because he was, oh so pretty. “Craig Slotty” said as we went by the motorcycles, do you like motorcycles? I stopped because for me it was a tell to which I didn’t understand at the moment. A red flag, and an alarm went off in my head. We went to eat at Chili’s afterward. I remember being careful about what I ate because I was still trying to lose weight. The couple seated opposite from us were watching us which I didn’t understand. I told him I had to go home because I was tired. I had just come from my Krav Maga final test, and as the day went on it was getting harder and harder for my body to keep up. I was beat the fuck up, but the bruises were not showing yet. I went home and sat in the tub for a long time and went to bed. I don’t even think it was dark outside when I went to bed. I was bruised all over my body for weeks and weeks. I had to tell every person I saw that the bruises were due to Krav Maga. It looked like I had been abused, or victimized.
Do you know in part the reason I don’t wear make-up anymore as soon as I would get to work they would make me cry – push button control – or they would spray the air that would send me to the bathroom having to get it out of my nose which in turn would wash all my make-up off. So, what’s the point after some many times of that? I give up. Do you think I want to go to work with a stitch of make-up on? No. I don’t even get to take care of my skin. I am not allowed to wash my face or use moisturizer or anything because all I get is trixied, grease in my soap, self-tanner in my soap, bulk added to my lotions forcing weight gain. It’s demoralizing. It’s dehumanizing. I absolutely give up.
Do you know this would have been back in the early part of 2015 I had to return two shirts that I had bought so that I could eat? I had bought them because I had no clothes, I mean no clothes anymore. Because everything I owned felt like they had violated me, so I got rid of them to prove I was a moral person. I think it amounted to somewhere around $8. But, I was that broke. If I hadn’t returned them I don’t know how I would have been able to eat. It bought me a little time is all. Because I had no choice I was not being allowed to be employed.
There are things I have to do for my life. I have to work on the bankruptcy, emails, whatever, etc., but I have to sit here and type to you because otherwise you make my life a living hell.
How can I possibly ever look at David the same way ever again?!
“Katie” – Bad – one time the air was sprayed so that…how can I say it other than to say it offended my vagina. SCREAMING VAGINA! Katie approached me to tell me something I did wrong. She kept sticking her fingers in and out of the hole in the package and looking me in the eyes. I was so mortified. I was so offended. It was sexual harassment. If a man had done it, it would be sexual harassment. For a woman to do that to me it is even worse. I cried humiliation tears for the rest of my shift. I was not able to go to HR and complain like anyone else would be able to do to an employer. It’s disgusting. Anytime I heard her voice in my head I would not respond. No woman has any place or right to be in my head – ever! That is just one time. That torture went on for months. I was so glad when she left!
Toilet paper training – let me tell you something about the toilet paper training. It would make me so insane when I worked at Disney I would say in my head I would rather shove a knife in my cunt until I am dead. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I even went so far as to tell my brother. I texted him the exact same message. Nothing. Either my messages were intercepted, or he just doesn’t care about what happening to me. So, I do not believe in this feigned shock and surprise that almost looks like concern. It is a disgusting thing to do to someone which basically amounts to rape.
This nonsense of messaging “do not use a knife” amounts to a woman can open this box. No woman ever will, nor ever can – of my own free will – open my box!!!!!! I would rather shove a knife in my cunt until I am dead than to have to live a lie. And, that would be an extraordinary lie!
I can’t fucking stand the talking outside my window!
I can’t fucking stand the landscapers that ALWAYS start the moment I go to bed and continue the whole time I am trying to sleep. It does not take that much work for this area. I am not allowed any rest or any relaxation here. In 2014 it was much worse, but still there is no need and there is no excuse for the behavior that goes on here. Because of the 360 it all goes back to my . The responsibility starts there. How can it not. Someone has to be in charge, and who oversees those or that person who is in charge? Because I have not been listened to for years now. No one has taken my side.
It is not my fault that I purchase a product only to receive it and discover that the packaging proclaims it to be something I never intended. So, you better not fuck me or Trixie me with the purchase of my new locks. There better not be another “this is a set” to my locks. Because I do not get a choice of products, nor do I get a choice of t. If I did I would have another.
Let me say this now, I have never been that woman’s bitch! How could there ever be a contest or a pulling apart between people proclaiming I was their dog when I am a woman. I have never been anything else. And, I knew David long before I knew or met anyone else.
Brain – pin point fiber – don’t have time to answer this one.
I want my life back!
I am so angry and so hurt and so disgusted at which quite honestly amounts to David Wolfe since he (at least for me) is the reason I am there to begin with.
Cherith J Gjestland
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 