Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

I need to work because I need to lose weight.  I am too heavy.  I don’t like it.

Overwhelming sadness.

I am uncertain if I will publish the rest of the letters and journal entries I shared with these two computers.

I was looking for a particular entry I know I wrote, however I could not find.  I will write again.

Let me preface this with:

I bought Japanese beer.  I bought Kirin Light beer what I received was pain and infection in my mouth which is why I have stopped laughing and smiling anymore.  Plus, I am sick of being hot and sweating to death.  Also, I know the reason my license plate was not given to me by random.  Blockbuster used to have a program called Genius which would recommend movies based on previous rentals.  The Blockbuster in Plant City where I am most recently from, the main one I used to rent from has now been turned into a optometrists.  While caring for my mother I was able to rent so many movies I probably put them out of business myself.  It is a figure of speech.

Two things: Master class.  It is another figure of speech alone.  I longed for Master class performances, movies and films to learn from, expand my world and understanding, develop myself, to be transported beyond the walls that kept me, etc.  I could sit through an entire movie of boring and lame if it had at least one moment that defied, was more, was an experience that has to be felt and lived.  So, I rented anything and everything.  I mean everything.  Very seldom did I stop watching a DVD, but it did happen.  Some were just too, well, you get the idea.

Genius recommended Akira Kurosawa’s Drunken Angel.  It was the first of his films that I watched.  Fifteen minutes into the movie, and I stopped it.  And, started it again.  Because I realized I was watching something that was more than a film.  It was great art.  It was revolutionary politics, empowering gender equality, and performances that I can not believe have not been mentioned more, discussed more, and given credit.

Takashi Shimura – Wow!  What a great face.  OMG!  He doesn’t have to say anything.  His face says it all.  He is compelling, and moving, and so unbelievably credible.  Seven Samuri is my favorite of his performances.  Just, wow.

Toshirô Mifune – You got to be fucking kidding me?!  This man is a movie star without saying a word from the moment he is on-screen.  You cannot teach that.  He just is.  The drunk scene with the doctor, grandmother, and the other woman (I forget her name) with Mifune not saying a word, yet commanding complete attention.  As I have spoken before he used every square inch of real estate in the shot.  WOW!  It is amazing to watch.  So much so, that Johnny Depp and Tim Burton copied (figure of speech – I am sure it was more of an homage) it in Edward Scissorhands.  He is by far one of the greatest actors I have EVER had the privilege of watching.  Ever.

BTW, I cannot help it if these fuckers have editing control sticking tongues everywhere.  Plus, I did it first.  I wish I still had that photo, to show you the difference.

Akira Kurosawa – This man is amazing to me.  If the translation is correct than the dialogue in the film was calling (figure of speech, don’t think so much about my word choice and listen to what I am writing!) for women to not be used, abused, and beaten for their sex, for their ability to create status through marriage, or for any other reason.  What?!  If the translation is correct than the film was calling for an end to sacrifices, to HariKari, to ancient traditions that are not a true reflection of feelings, or pain, nor did it solve what created the pain and hurt.  It is mind-blowing to this day.  That in 1948 a Japanese man created a message for the whole world to remember and know for eternity post WWII enough was enough.  There were and are greater things in the world than killing, and hurting others.

I very much doubt that Akira Kurosawa ever had to show his work to teacher.  For he was speaking through film without explaining every single detail.

This is who I am, I was so moved by the film, I rented, researched, and read everything about Akira Kurosawa.  I wanted more.  For what I saw in him, Akira Kurosawa was a man who put everything he had in his films, in his art.  I have spoken this before – He directed from his heart.  Let me explain this: He was directing from his heart place of emotion that cannot be guided, or controlled, or manufactured, or taught – it simply is.

I was conflicted, I am conflicted with my appreciation of Akira Kurosawa’s work for what I also saw was that his great film work probably was at the expense of his family, his family life, and his family relationships.  For how could a mere mortal give so much of himself, his heart, his emotions, his passions, and his art and not have to take away from another area of his life?

I had no idea why I had never heard of Akira Kurosawa before.  I believe it was racism.  For he should be spoken about over and over and over and over.  He is amazing.

I want it known that what was once David’s name whispered in my ear while at the hospital has been forever changed.  It is impossible.  It is impossible anymore.

Because of Edison.

Since Edison, I am no longer allowed to do anything that I like, how I like, the way I like, or in the manner I like.

For instance, I used to always buy Method soap.  Laundry and hand soap because I used to be allowed to read the list of ingredients.  Because Method is easy on the environment, has less packaging than its competitors, because it did good.  Honestly, I shouldn’t have to explain why I used and do buy products.  However, I am no longer allowed to buy Method or liquid laundry detergents.

Impossible friendship, impossible to ever speak to him again.  Impossible.  Think about that.

From having a God moment to never being able to go back again.  I will not allow it.  David Wolfe has abused me, my friendship, and my belief in him one too many times.

Because David Wolfe, and James Franco have not allowed me since before 2011 to have a physical intimate relationship with a man.

“They” wanted to know why I deleted a post on fb.  “They” claimed I was writing about a boyfriend of mine.  I was not.  Edison was never a boyfriend.  Edison was a man I slept with that does not make him a boyfriend.

I am too upset to continue writing.

I am too upset at this weight.

David Wolfe, never thought or believed I could or would lose weight.  David Wolfe is a loss to me.

Not allowing me to have a physical intimate relationship with a man all these years is a loss.

Edison cheated.

I remember the Chili’s restaurant that my mother and I ate at in Lakeland, the waiter gave me the phone number of a talent agency – Louise’s People.  I booked a TiVo commercial, and Kane’s furniture commercial.  I was supposed to be booked as an extra in a vampire movie – that never happened.

Clearly, I am not any good, nor talented or I wouldn’t be where I am.

We can never be friends again David.

I will never willingly speak to you again.

You have no idea the harm you have done or caused.

All these years you have been able to have your perfect wife – I am happy for you.

But, me you have denied and not allowed me to have a physical, intimate relationship with a man.

Because of hands?!

The damage caused by these Hand years is beyond repair.

This house does not have enough light.