Let Me Take You to Church

God sent his only son.

Anyone heard this story before?

I think so.

God sent his only son, so we can live by grace and not by law.

While working with “Cleveland” at The Container Store, he made a comment along the lines of flirting with him at work.  He spoke of not getting carried away with him by having too much fun and flirting with him.

To which I famously replied, I don’t think so, I am a professional.

Meaning – I have to clarify this since it has been taken so far out of context – my work life, my home life, my personal life, never crossed over.  I used to be a professional.

My mother called it business-like.  I think it used to surprise her when I was able to not be the cute little girl.  I imagine it must be most difficult for parents to see their children as adults, for they will always be their children regardless of their age.  Please do not be too literal, or take this out of context.  For, I was not born in a lab – I used to have parents.  Before this house.

In the last few years a lot has been made to me for swearing.  A lot has been made about my swearing.  There are those who used to know me who would not be surprised or offended by my vocabulary.  There are others who do not like it.

The Ten Commandments.  In the Old Testament.  Rules for which Christians were meant to live by.

Do you believe it is possible to follow rules, follow orders, follow guidelines, and your heart is no where in them?  I believe that.  And, I am not the only one.

God.  The God I know.  The only God there is, cares nothing for following orders, or rules, or checking off items on a list.  He is and will always be most interested in our heartmind.

God could have created life to do as he pleased whenever He asked of it, yet He chose to give man and woman free-will.  Ask yourself why he would do that?

Free-will.

God wants and desires the relationship.  He created the entire world, yet He looked it over and saw it was missing.  It was missing what God wanted most which is the relationship.  God did not want to be alone.  God does not want to be alone.

I used to be a professional.  When I was at work, I was at work.  I always did everything the same, so that my supervisors would know my work.  So, that I could never be called into question about my work.

I used to tell people, children are the small, sticky people.  This is a bit I took from Rita Rudner, and it was only in jest.  I was never serious when I spoke in this way.  I used to say my children are four-legged.  For, how else could I explain how a woman my age was still single, all alone, without any make prospects – ever – and did not meet the requirements of what normal should be.  I was embarrassed about myself, for my life, and where I was in my life.

Also, I was protecting my harmful past.  I was protecting  the fact that I had an abortion, and to this day am still conflicted by it and my decision.

I will never understand how someone else gets to have control over another human beings decisions simply because they have money.

Again, I will never believe I needed surgery.  No one will ever be able to convince me again.  It is an unrecoverable loss.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as they say.  My mother was in her sixties before I ever saw her wear denim.  My mother never wore jeans – ever.  She always used to dress – well, the best way I can say it – she was not from Florida.  She grew up rural.  In a very small town, extremely poor.  She used to tell the story of returning from school one day to no food in the house.  The only item was black pepper in the cupboard.  She took a glass of water and put the pepper in it, and drank it.

I understood my mother better once she told me this and her stories.  She was not a woman who wanted to go back to nothing.  She always did her hair, make-up, wore jewelry, accessories with her outfits, and so on.  And, I was the same way.  That was before this house.

See, I think because someone placed a camera in the X-box, gave it to my brother and told him to bring it in the house, that they thought they knew who I was.  It is a great untruth and a lie.

It would take close to $30,000.00 to replace everything I have given away since this house, and that is not including my car that was totaled.  Items I was made to feel I had to give away.  This house is not who I am.  This life I am living is not who I am.  It never will be.

I used to be cute, I used to dress up, I used to wear make-up every day.  I used to wash my face.  I used to be a real person.

I never wanted to return here.  I never wanted to stay in Florida.

Let me tell you a story:  “Erin” broke up with her partner “Rene”.  “Erin” made these big crying scenes, spoke of abuse, and how she had to leave.  She was going to move out, I offered to help her.  Why would I not?  Why would I not help a person who was hurting or in need?  I am making this point because it has been used against me for years.  Caring for others has been used against me – for years.

“Erin’s” house and household was never of the same quality, or caliber of which I would have felt equally compared to mine.  Did I judge her, no.  Why would I?  How she lived her life was her decision – not mine.

I offered to help her move which she knew I would.  I remember texting “Eric” about sweating so much, and that I was helping a friend.  When at her house, she was rushing around cleaning which never seemed clean to me.  It was one of the oddest experiences I’ve had while at The Container Store.  The next time I saw her at work, I told her she was going to get back with her partner.  Because something was wrong with the whole scene.  I was NEVER going to hang out with “Erin” while she was separated.

It is a huge deal.  For which I want credit.

I understand that while working at The Container Store, they used the cameras to put on a television show for which I never received payments, nor gave permission to use me.  Also, they edited my shift there.  So, what I believe the whole world knows and knew the stories of what went on there is probably not true.

Again, I was never going to spend time with “Erin” after her separation, and she did get back together with her partner a week later.

David Wolfe, I want you to know and admit you have created a hostile work environment for me.  I want you to admit that in Las Vegas, when the man at the limo held his hands in pleading, as if he was trying to offer marriage – was nothing more than a lie.  I want you to admit that you made out with Courtney at the beach to try to force/push me into dating again for the sole purpose of re-creating the Edison program for which you make money off of, and nothing more.  I want you to admit you knew I was never going to date again after Edison because of your deceptions which made it impossible to believe I would be able to date real men and have a real physical, intimate relationship.  I want you to admit you have made it impossible to ever be your friend again.  Because you could end this all and give me back my life, yet you choose not to.  You have made it impossible.

James Franco, I want you to admit your marriage proposal was never real, and it was nothing more than a publicity stunt.  You never meant it to be taken seriously.  You never meant you were proposing to me.