Now, most people go on a cruise and gain weight. I, however, did the opposite.
When I was caring for my mother, I reached a point when something had to happen, something had to change to bring about a difference in the life I had been living.
When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t know who the person was looking back at me. It was no one I recognized. It was not my true self. I was always shocked and surprised. Who is this fat person? Either I was so extremely exhausted all I saw was how the work wore me down, or so grossly overweight I didn’t recognize myself.
Now, I am slow and careful when it comes to certain decisions. Too rushed and too quick, and I will not reach the desired result.
I spent months and months getting prepared to lose weight. Because I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel ashamed. I wanted to look on the outside how I saw myself on the inside.
I worked internally. Going through events in my life, analyzing myself, understanding how I had allowed myself to get to the point I was in my life. It is not an easy thing to look at yourself, see your flaws, and fix it.
After my abusive boyfriend, I gained weight. I remember thinking, good, now he will never want to touch me. This is a big point. It is misplaced direction, an incorrect measure or response to the problem which was abuse.
I went through previous attempts to lose weight, understanding what worked for me, and what did not work for me.
When losing weight if it took too long, I would get discouraged and give up. For me, I discovered I was willing and able to cut back drastically, give up on certain foods to lose more weight quickly. I needed to see it. I needed to see the numbers on the scale going down.
I will not forget the first time I went to buy new pants, the helicopter and motorcycles that followed me, for I kept my old pants for a long time simply using a belt to keep them from falling off. When I went to the store, taking different sizes into the dressing room, I was amazed that the smallest size was still too big. I just stared at myself in the mirror. I was so shocked and amazed, I couldn’t look away. It was unbelievable to me that I was smaller. The number was important. The number was a powerful motivator in keeping me on my path and redirecting negative thoughts.
After my weight loss, I have been able to step back and see how I’d kept myself from losing weight. For all kinds of reasons, good and bad, yet they are still reasons. They are not the truth.
The Clean Plate Syndrome: I discovered that going on a cruise, I had lost weight. I realized that since all the food was already paid for, I no longer felt the need to clean my plate. I could eat a few bites. I could leave food on the plate.
Have you ever been poor?
Have you ever struggled?
Have you ever had to live off of $5 for a week?
When you do not know when your next meal will be you eat everything on your plate. Stock up, in case you won’t be able to eat for days. This survival mode is incredibly destructive. It is an emotional crusher. Years after being destitute poor, you still feel the loss of being financially without. It is a bad hold to break free from.
Breaking free from the syndrome of sending food to Africa was important to me and had to be done. We have all heard it before, eat all your food on your plate, I could send that food to Africa where people are starving. There is a great deal of guilt associated with this concept. Guilt and shame.
I learned and taught myself to break free from the guilt and shame of food on my plate.
Whatever happened to smaller meals, eating more often during the day? You go to a restaurant and you are given a platter of food – not a dish. How did this get to be acceptable?
Eating in America is grossly disproportionate. The poorer you are in America the worse the food available to buy and purchase is. It is full of empty calories with very little nutrition.
One way I kept myself on my path – while I was dieting – was to bring my own snacks wherever I went. If I went somewhere that had a snack bar I brought my own water, celery sticks, carrots sticks, nuts and raisins. I brought my own snacks. This is very important. More people should bring their own snacks, so they no longer have to feel the financial pressure to purchase.
After, Edison I am no longer able to bring my lunch or snacks to work. No one should have to live like this. Starving on a shift to keep from having their food tricked, altered, and touched. At The Container Store, I had to throw away every meal I brought – after Edison, so that I could be seen in front of my television at home eating out of proportion.
It is something I am unable to forgive both James Franco and David Wolfe for. I saw David Wolfe’s face through Alfredo Cruz – I don’t wish to continue that thought. It is extremely hurtful to me. David Wolfe never saw me as a thin, slim, beautiful woman. David Wolfe never saw me as beautiful.
So, to have lived all those hard years taking care of my mother, taking a turn to finally live a life as a healthy, attractive woman that men would find desirable enough to want to treat well, take care of, and date – and that is the last thing I am able to do?!
Immeasurable grief.
Now, for exercise I chose Tracy Anderson’s workout routine because it is customized for different trouble body parts using smaller muscle groups. Which is how I wanted to look. I did not want to look like I had been spending hours in a gym using machines – that is just not me. I wanted to look lean, toned, and thin. Not bulky.
I alternated between a cleanse and a diet. A Two-week cleanse, then 40-day diet, and alternate, and it worked. It worked well for me. I took it one day at a time. It’s only for two weeks. It’s only for 40 days. When I got too discouraged I would tell myself, well, let’s see after 40 days. Then, reassess.
It worked. It worked for me because I started in my head first, then my mouth, then my body.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 