I Will Not Believe This Anymore

I will not believe this lie any longer.

I have been horrifically shamed into believing I had to prove my sexuality – that I am straight, never been any different my whole life, that I only like men, that I am not a child abuser.

I will not believe this anymore.

It has only been used as a means of control.

To humiliate.  To shame.  To disgrace.  To make me cower.

Because in this house they had a year, plus all the surveillance that has been done for decades before there was not a moment in all the years – I mean decades that I was unaware of until these last few years – they had full access to the strength of my character.

I will never again believe I had to have sex to prove I was straight.

They believed they could continue the fake dating as another show.

I will never again believe otherwise.

When it was made known to all parties early part of 2014 it should have ended then.  None of this should have continued.

The damage to my friendship with David Wolfe is catastrophic and incalculable.

The damage to all the relationships I had with friends past a point of no return.

Everything should have been cancelled once I knew it was not real.  I have never played pretend.  This is all real to me.  Every day.

Every day I am left alone with no one to talk to, hear me, comfort me, dry my tears, or have any male intimacy at all.

You could see my upset, anger, and displeasure with David Wolfe while I was at The Container Store, yet they continued knowing I was not pretending at all.

Real damage was being done.  Real damage has been done.

As to the event of 4/24/2018, I do not now nor have I ever needed a surrogate father.  I already have a father.  My head was hurting, my body was hurting, and there was all this commotion and chatter in my head as I was trying to sleep.  I needed a place to lay my head, so I visualized a man willing to let me place my head on his shoulder.  For a breather, for comfort.  I visualized the best looking man I’ve seen recently.  It doesn’t mean there is anything beyond that.

If you could live my life on my side you would understand how to believe anything more can only be flattery.

It is not real without the flesh.  It is not the same in person as it is when you visualize.

He may know me,  but I do not know him.

I believe I have heard him, however there are a lot of voice tricks being played.  So, I will not allow myself to be deluded with lies, falseness, and flattery.

I know what I look like anymore.

What happened tonight – was unacceptable.

I have nothing I need to prove to anyone.

It was unacceptable.

You are relieved from being a visualization anymore.

We are not special friends.  I do not need you to replace my father or become a surrogate father to me.

Wow, that was really hurtful tonight.

Unacceptable and hurtful.