Day 1,545
I am working on this. Writing, dreaming, feeling, thinking about food. It is difficult to say the least. I get to a point writing in my head when…it all falls away from me. I don’t want to move. I don’t want anything.
I would really like to be upset about the loss of my sensuality, but then going to work and being stalked in the bathroom just adds to the problem. I have no safe places. Going to work is the last place I want to feel sexualized. No person should be sexualized – AT WORK!
I should never have had to prove my sex or sexuality.
There is no reason whatsoever for me to have to live like this. None. It is immoral. Decades of my life gone because I have been under surveillance. Decades gone because being watched kept men away from me.
Before anyone creates another falsehood when I moved back home my family had adopted two cats that had been found in a plastic bag. Anastasia, Tay-shee for short and Tiffany.
It is with great purposeful intent that I have been kept heavy and uglified, so men will not find me attractive and I will not want to be desired by men.
You have been of the wrong mind-set for me from the beginning.
I wanted to share something different, I am not a machine, feelings and emotions create my reality – not ghosts.
I am used to running 4 or 5 days a week for 45 minutes to an hour AND working out to DVD’s. I have not been able to go running since 2016. From 2014 to 2016 it was rough, filled with bad experiences while running.
Forget about code.
Forget about movies.
Forget about everything else…for just a moment.
An espresso and a latte not the quickly hurried lattes at coffee shops with slightly warmed milk, a properly made latte made at the proper temperature with proper proportions of espresso and milk. In either order with a glass of water. I baked a crusty country white bread, cut thick on the diagonal to get greater crust, fresh Amish butter slathered to the end of the crust so that the butter drips down here and there. A generous amount of a wonderful orange marmalade, I made, slathered on the slightly toasted bread. Toasted just enough so there are browned crusty bits and not completely browned. Napkins are required for this meal when biting into the toast a drip a butter from the corner of your mouth appears, dab.
We eat outside. I have an outside dining area that serves many functions that I made on my property. Driving along, going to auctions and estate sales, I have salvaged and reclaimed wood from barns, farms, and other properties where no one else saw value.
It is a square shaped building on concrete, the walls are not solid, I’ve left out slats and lumber for there to be a breeze that will keep the structure cool – naturally. The roof is vaulted. The enormous rectangle table was made also from the reclaimed wood, designed to be taken apart where the table top can be stored on the wall on hooks, and a built-in for the legs. Allowing the floor to be open for other activities.
There is a wood-burning pizza oven off in the distance with a stone path to it that can be seen from the open views of the open dining room. There is a fireplace with a mantle on one wall for ambiance and warmth when needed.
On this day I have used my linen tablecloth from Barbados (true story) and my antiques dishes. While we eat apple blossoms float through the air creating the sense of time – there is no hurry.
Looking around, there are wildflowers I planted next to raspberry bushes and a bubbling bird bath next to a batch of Aspens whose leaves flicker in the sunlight.
That is all I have for now, it could have been much greater.
I will be keeping some secrets between the he’s and I, only they will know where they are in my writings.
I want to live my life, not tell or write to you about it.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 