Disclaimer: Men Born Male Only, No Gays, No Skirt Wearing Fairies, No Transgender, No Women Allowed!
August 16, 2018
Day 1, 598
Is this actually going to end in September?!
Do you not realize this is six years of my life? There are somethings I am unable to understand about who I truly am anymore because this is six years and more of my life.
The last time I saw my mother, was at a dentist appointment. The car GPS that took me everywhere but the actual location of the address I entered…just to what…waste my time? Make me angry? I arrived at the dentist office to find my mother already there with my mother wearing a purple shirt that was not her own, not one that I bought, paid for, and provided. She was so happy and glad to see me, as always. Other people in the office acted surprised at the wonderful exchange.
I have no idea what they have done in my brain because I no longer feel these years I spent caring for my mother. I am no longer able to feel the loss. When I left that day, when I left her, I told myself, as I’d done so many times before, I did everything I could, we had a good time. It was a way I felt I was preparing myself for her death, and so I would not be overly guilt ridden and devastated by loss.
However, whatever they have done is so much worse. She was my mother, she was not yours. She would be, as I am, so ashamed of what my life is. My long blonde hair blowing in the breeze as I am writing on the legal-sized paper to her, to keep her happy, to keep her occupied. It is as though, it feels as though it never actually happened. Do you understand how that could feel?! To have years of your life – gone?!
This house is so dark. When I arrived here I could not write because this house is so dark. There are no windows for me to look out of and see wildlife, birds and squirrels playing and movement, and life.
There is nothing but darkness here.
Years of my life gone…for what?!
I want to write more, but I cannot. I no longer feel it.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 