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March 25, 2019
It is a little more than devastating. How you have treated me over these last few days David shows me you have no idea how to put someone else before yourself. Someone else’s needs before your own. No wonder I never got close to you. The only reason you got to where you are is because of me, and how I responded to you. I am the reason you are where you are. Not the other way around.
It is a little more than devastating for me to watch films and specifically to watch Memento, watching people enjoying torturing and abusing my mother, over and over for fun. Why do you think it took me so long to watch the whole film? It is more than devastating.
What does Cherith do to cope and manage and deal with this news and having to relive her mother’s death over and over for the whole world to see? She plays a game. I play Restaurant Dash. A computer game. It helps me. It is a way I manage my headspace. It is a way for me to continue living. There are worse things for a person to do when dealing and managing grief and loss than to play a computer game. It is the game I play the most at the moment. They help my head. I am not really interested in smoking that was for other people, not me.
I don’t go on a drinking binge, or try to kill myself, I can’t think of other self-harming things at the moment, all I do is play a game to manage the trauma. And, what does David do because of it? He uses the dialogue in the game as a copy, so that I am not able to rest. How very cruel of David. It shows him to be heartless and mean.
I have not been able to do simple things like color my hair, put my toothbrush together, wax my legs. Simple things people do to keep their appearance normal. You people are more interested in listening and reading me scream over and over than actually listening and being a true friend.
David, you are not my father. Have actually been nice to my father and brother or have you just pushed your weight around? Telling them what to do rather than learning who they are?
One way Cherith was dealing with grief and loss was to go running outside. What did you do instead? You thought it was more important to make a YouTube video. So, you could look and feel more important than Cherith.
David you are too loud at the moment. You look like a braggart, a glory-seeker, interested in nothing more than the superficial.
I am so worn to the nub, I feel thirty or more years older than my age. Unable to work a job anymore. There is no one in the whole world who does this work, this work that has given me no choice. Worn.
I am truly not interested in maxing out my credit cards so you people can create a sort of competition. It is meaningless. Any and all of the competitions you have put together are nothing more than a way to distract and try and stop me from REMEMBERING.
They chose me, they chose me long before you David. They chose me or they wouldn’t have placed all those clues and people in my path for me to discover what I am able to do. Something really remarkable. Something very few people are able to do.
This house is filled with death and death threats to me. Every single coffee mug is poisoned. Undrinkable. That is not a television show. That is not acting. Killing people is not acting. The bureau with my photographs is filled with death and death threats to me, that is not a television show. That is not acting. That is breaking and entering.
Yes, that knee is me, it is just a scar, it is not knee surgery. That is not me in Point Break letting a bad man get away. Nope, that is not me.
Who is this person that is so terrified of me leaving the state of Florida? They are not in prison.
I am more than aware that all of this nonsense in news stories referencing my clothes and clothing is meaningless. That is what they call a red herring. The cobra on the uniform in Karate Kid and the reference in 12 Strong to a venomous snake, a red herring. There is no connection and it means nothing. I was chosen for a reason.
You should all be aware of my windows and how you are seen by me. There is no reason for this to continue in this way. You will find out years from now, the harm it has done to deny me living my life.
I am more than devastated. David treats me as though he is the most important person in the world as if there is no other person in my life I should and do love. His actions are cruel.
This house is too dark. I want to get another cat, and a dog. To be able to take my dog and perhaps my cats on walks outside. I want to feel the fresh air outside. This house is just too small. I should be writing children’s stories instead.
It is more than devastating to watch people feeling victorious for the harm they have inflicted upon my mother. That will go on. It is a way to form public opinion. It is a way people are trying to create history. Someone wanted another World War. They were trying to use me.
It is more than devastating. David has no compassion for me. He never has. He never has been compassionate to me.
Devastating.
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