AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!
May 1, 2019
He misses me. I’ve been struck by yet another loss, and it’s hard to stop hurting from it, yet he misses me. At least that is what I am feeling at the moment, he misses me, so I am writing, so people will know, the real Hannibal Lecter is missing me at present.
I washed my hair yesterday and gained 10 pounds because of it. I spent $300 on shampoo that I feel I must throw away now. I am using drain de-clogger constantly because they have made it clog the drains. I stand in ankle deep and higher water trying to take a shower. That is more than a problem. I must put hydrogen peroxide in my ears to stop them from getting clogged, so I can hear.
They have me burping and farting constantly by using the “air”. The paper bags they deliver to me are contaminated with weight-gain, burping and farting, just by me breathing. What a miserable existence. I never came Edison. The whole world knows, I never came. For other men, I came, not for him.
I leave my house to go to work and gain 10 pounds because of it.
I am not barricading myself within my home. They want me to block the attic door to stop a felon from entering my home the moment I walk outside. Whoever this person is they need to leave immediately and stop doing this.
Stop placing facial hair on men around and at work that is somehow supposed to represent my pubic hair? WTF?! Since when is that a television show?
I have a cup of coffee and gain 10 pounds because of, get black circles under my eyes, and grow facial hair.
I have a cigarette or cigar and I am sweating profusely.
I have an alcoholic beverage, and I sweat profusely, I gain weight, black circles under my eyes, grow facial hair, on and on.
This is what my life has been reduced to, sitting writing of the wrongs that happen to me while I am at work, and what they have done to my home while I was away. Who would want to live like this?
This is what has been going on since I dated Edison, since April 2014. It is like living a non-existence.
When I placed my mother in her nursing home, I was placing my life in order, so I could have a life of my own, I wanted to get married. Have a family of my own. It was very obvious that the days of me dating a much older man was not where my head was at anymore.
It is as if they used the same play book they used when I was eighteen and never thought or looked at me to see or notice if it would work.
I wanted to get married and have a family, I was no longer interested in acting, show business, or anything the like.
The real proxy to Tristan in Legends of The Fall, his father would be his strong parent, as my mother to me was my strong parent. It looks like people thought we would balance each other because of it. I doubt he has ever been in jail. However, what I see is there is damage done in both of our lives. What would have been a natural introduction will be difficult anymore.
Kate Wheeler in Bandits, Wheeler just means the wagons used to transport pioneers to the Northwest. Probably people saw me brain-thinking about the past in school during History or something. Kate is code, and it is specific to a specific person, it is in another language, it’s a little complicated to decode it. It is more than just translating it.
This scene means something to someone else and not me, the cooking scene, the gourmet cooking scene is – Horsey sauce, Arby’s Horsey sauce when I was a pre-teen. I took the Horsey sauce bottle home with me and put it in our refrigerator with foil over it. It would mean something to whoever was around watching at the time.
I am not buying into the storyline of two men together make the perfect man. It was just a way of describing, telling me how I’ve been used all these years. I am more than over the ear piece speaking. I am more than over people believing ear piece, hearing aids is television.
I always liked the movie A River Runs Through It. When I told my mother so, she made a comment about how she didn’t think I would like a movie like that, she believed I was interested in other things. This movie has the man who wanted to send me to military school. How could she have afforded it?
How I wish they had not talked to me as a child that needed protecting and just allowed me to know just the smallest detail and amount. It would have made a world of difference. My mother could have been happy all these years, and she wouldn’t have been stroke-ridden, and killed. I really can make things happen.
It is really a difficult loss to re-live over and over and over and over whilst I never get real answers to anything because I am not really living because of a television show.
People make plans for the future, in a few months from now, a year from now, several years from now, and so one. I have not been able to do something as simple as planning for my own future because my life is now for your entertainment instead.
Delivery system, delivery referenced in movies as code just means, scripture, the Bible. Nothing more.
I have been to the beach many times in my life, I have been to many water parks in my life. I have seen a lot of bodies in bathing suits. I have never seen a woman with a hysterectomy scar like mine, from pubic bone to belly button. As though I’ve been punished for being born straight. It is difficult to live with. I used to cry endlessly after my surgery, what man would love a woman now that the surgery happened to me.
All my dreams and wants for a family – gone. How many other people has this happened to?
There is some sick thinking there, when you pet a dog if they like you, they roll over and expose their belly for it to be rubbed and petted.
I feel grotesque and hideous and I am having a difficult time.
I do not know who you have around, my sleep has been all out of whack, unable to wake up, unable to fall asleep. Normally, I guess I would have moved to get away from them.
It’s not bad enough that I go to work, someone breaks into my home and destroys my denim jeans. I then buy patches to mend my denim, only to have someone break into my home and ruin the patches. Causing me to then have to stich everything, it is more than time-consuming. I used to weigh 109.
I did not buy Jordan almonds. Do you know what they did to me the last time I worked at “Disney?” Trying to force a Sam, a black man onto to me, it is the fastest way I can explain that. As if I am not allowed to be attracted to men, I find attractive. When I did not have any sexual thoughts about this black man, they humiliated me by “spending time” with a lesbian. This is not acting. I have no idea what he was trying to do. It is more than upsetting. That is not what should be happening to actresses, that is not a television show. Sleep with him, or else?!
They had an accounting of all the money I had when The Container Store show stopped. I had Canadian money; it was my mother’s money. I was saving it for her funeral. I had other money that I had set aside for my own reasons. I am very diligent with my money. I am disgusted with the thoughts of them using my mother’s money knowing they had killed her – for a television show.
This sort of life, this set-up, this should never happen to another person ever again.
I was too upset, you people make me sick with what you have done to my life, my stuff, my person, my cigarettes.
I still miss my Tuesday and Thursday.
I am overwhelmed and upset.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 