Author: Jgd

Day 1,559.

When I was work, I was thinking to myself, if you thought about it there could be a lot of ways to celebrate the party moment I wrote about a few days again.

If you thought about it – it could be a charity event.  It could be an expensive plate per person dinner with the proceeds going to a charity in celebration of the party moment.  Or, any cost charity event celebrating a party moment.  Raising money for others as a party.

If you thought about it could be a local event.  Perhaps the local library needs to be refurbished, added on to, updated.  Perhaps one of the schools need a new gym, or permanent structures added, or help with a program.  Where the community could gather perhaps at the location and funds could go to the local need as a party moment.

If you thought about it perhaps a neighbor is in need, or a family, or a local park or pool, a hospital, or clinic, or road clean-up, or anything.  Where neighbors and the community could gather helping one another in celebration of a moment.  If you thought about it the possibilities are endless.

If you thought about it – it could become a worldwide movement of a moment.

What if around the world instead of crimes, killings, problems and tragedies it was reported, word was spread of how the smallest of locations, towns, villages, and biggest of cities took time away from their lives and gave of themselves, their time, their energy to have a party moment?

What would happen if around the world the news became stories of parties?  With a question mark at the end of each asking, now what will you do?

What if it became an annual movement?

What if it became an International holiday?

What would happen if countries adopted a party moment?

What if it became a humanitarian day?

What if countries adopted a humanitarian day to celebrate?  Where people gave of themselves in some way, but it didn’t end with the event it ends asking the next person to take responsibility and action.

What would happen?

What would happen to the world?

Well, it was just a thought.

If you didn’t feel that, here’s how it feels to me.  I enter the cosmos, beyond the atmosphere, thinking of possibilities, then return to my body.  Usually with a heaviness of mind, a slight thud, and sadness because of my life, then go about my way.

Because how it feels and the only way I see it anymore as I am just as much a prisoner as the ones before my eyes.

Otherwise, I would be allowed to live my life in obscurity the way I want.

Put it in perspective, my perspective, I have lived for six years isolated from the rest of the world.  Denied friendships, my pets, my family, boyfriends, and men.

I am sick with upset.

Devastated.

There was no reason for them to place in my body what they did.

None.

I am just heart-breakingly sick.

It is just as easy to exclude you as it is to include you.

I have yet to meet the man that…

If you are wondering, you are correct.  It would have bothered me so much I would have wanted to work it out.  However, what you may not know is that my job is not the best thinking place.  I imagine you knew that.  You expected me to go home and think it through.

My life is not a Hollywood movie – it takes the time it takes.

Someone was pushing for an answer on Sunday.  You receive it on Friday instead.

I am correct.

You know I am.

Perhaps, I will think on it.

Now, why did you do what you did to my beer?

Pizza?!

Based on a conversation I had with a friend after seeing the movie Forest Gump, I have a theory.  Because I disagreed with my friend about the role and importance of intelligence and IQ as being the only determining measure for success in life.

I am not the smartest person in the world, yet the supernatural is real.  God is real.  Angels are real.  There are powers unseen at work in the world.  I know this to be true.  A person can do and be something extraordinary it is not required that they are the most intelligent.

That first car accident had help or it never would have happened to me.

Not everything has to be spelled out in black and white to be understood and spoken.

How Amazon long have worked you for.

Day 1,558

The word master and master class has been turned into something other than the truth.  When a person achieves something beyond the classroom or training they are then in a class all their own.  It is not the same as a person controlling them.

So, tired of thinking at this point.

My imaginary night is over, where I only imagined eating food because I am on a diet trying to take off this fake weight.  Perhaps I will go on the cabbage soup diet also.  Still working on getting rid of unwanted weight and fat.

It seemed to be a nice jog, although I will only be able to run in my mind.

Have whatever you want, I need my scale to go down, down, down.

I had such plans for this place when I moved here, how I was going to decorate, create a dining room with storage because this place is set-up as a microwave-meals only facility rather than an actual kitchen.  I no longer have bar stools, or dining room chairs, etc.

It is hard to live in a place where everything must be covered up.  Life, imagination ceases to find me.

And, I miss my home where I had sky lights and was surrounded by light.

You have a serious problem in that I have worked very hard to no longer believe.  It is very difficult any more to believe that I did what I did and that I can do what I did and more.  You could merely be creating a reality based on what I say in my head rather than it being actually being true.  You could also simply be telling me in my head as it happens making me believe it to be true.  So how I can believe, trust, and want to help anymore?

There is no place whatsoever for competing managers at my workplace or elsewhere in my life.

Working backward and forwards at the same time.  You continue to work as though the choices of my vehicle are more important than me.  You continue to work as though the route I take in my car is more important than work I do at work.  You continue to work as though the route I drive will be the same as the day before, isn’t that why there was so much traffic on Tuesday.  You believed I was still going to road test on my way home.  Rather than waiting until I drove home.  You are working backwards and forwards at the same time.  Constantly putting me at a disadvantage.

For instance, when I see people or hear them you associate them to a purchase or a movie or some other choice.  Rather than the other way around.  It devalues people to a point of sale.  Not to mention taking away my ability to choose whatever I want.

How many times must I say this does not work.  If something is not understood by me then it is not working.

What is half of 10 anyways?

I cannot follow the marriage story line because it is dishonest.  I am not married.  I have not been asked to be married and accepted.

I believe my computer had been hacked, so when I viewed certain friend’s photos or Facebook or anything, the other person was creating a falsehood and storyline.  I do not believe any member of the Wolfe family believed me to be gay that is how that played out.

The only way the sports jug storyline can make any sense is if someone wanted me to pretend I was married to Tim Wolfe – that cannot be true, nor could I ever want to pretend that to be true.

Or, he would have purposefully taken photos placed them on-line for me to view, then waiting a decade or so…no, it doesn’t make sense other than someone else hacked my computer.

This would mean the Wolfe family allowed the storyline to happen.  This I cannot understand.

Here it is 4:29 am, I am still drinking coffee and from the looks of it I will not be able to get all my maintenance done before going to work because I am in such a deficit.

I want to work a day shift again.  I want to work Monday through Friday or Thursday again.  I want to make more money, so I can afford to keep a house the way that I am used to.  I want to work for The Container Store again, so I can be surrounded by beautiful things.  I want to work for a clothing store again, so I can have nice clothes again.

I have a list a mile long of things I need.  I am barely making it here.

I deserve to have full disclosure before making a decision.  I deserve to know who is on the other side before I decide, make a decision, or believe in anything.  There are certain things that cannot happen.  That I would not allow to happen.  I deserve the right to choose.

These are extremely high-level, complex, and intense levels of work and people, yet you play me as though I am merely a tool without the ability to form strategy, policies, or decisions.

You cannot have it both ways.

So, why would I want to help or continue to believe in things?

I am done speaking here.  I am done writing here.

Day 1,557

We will be having a private, casual dinner tonight.

Yes, I took the night off yesterday allowing myself a night off from the high-level thinking.  The long, several details that will have me thinking through several theories will be in another Coffee and Breakfast.  Fundraising will also be in another Coffee and Breakfast.

This man that I have spoken over on at least one occasion.  It is not his fault nor is it mine, he is working in a deficit.  Too many years I have been mismanaged and not properly managed.  There is a long, long list I am constantly working through.  Remember I do not want to live this life.  It is not of my own choosing.

It is important that I am able to speak my mind, he understands that it is just as important to be heard as it is to be listened to.  Some might call it laid-back, yet I see it as he just does not worry about the small stuff.  The things in life that are not worth the time, the bother, the energy, and the stress.  He saves his energy for the important things in life.  Probably something learned from his father.  What is wrong with that?  Nothing.

Don’t worry about the code.  It is only code.  It doesn’t always mean anything.  It doesn’t always mean what is written.

He also agrees with me that people cannot be devalued to a purchase, a dollar amount, a product, a brand, or any similar thought.

The sun has gone down, we are headed outside to my imaginary dining room.  This time additions have been made to the room.  In addition to the wine bottle wall there is a beer bottle wall, as well as, a spirits and liqueurs portion of a wall that is more like a small window high on a wall.  Beer bottles perhaps with the tops cut off so that they can be flush when epoxied or perhaps they are whole when epoxied then framed in reclaimed wood.  Either the wine or beer or both walls pivot open and closed.  These bottles from around the world I collect in old wooden barrels in a storage room that is in a separate building until there is enough of them I can lay them on a canvas, place them together and epoxy or adhere together framing them in the reclaimed wood.

Lights have been added as well.  Tiny LED lights have been placed along the length of the vertical wood slats with a groove notched out allowing the lights to set in the wood.  Perhaps icicle lights on the ceiling, or more LED lights.

I let you choose the music for the evening because that was unbelievably creative and clever and give you the choice between a pitcher of real homemade not from a mix margarita’s or local craft beer for the meal.  As I am not a woman that wants to make every decision.  Not in a situation such as this.

Tonight, I get to be a girl again.  Wearing a simple and casual dress perhaps with sandals or casual heels.  I get to wear makeup again.  Simple and understated make-up for the occasion, but you have no idea how devastatingly glamorous I can be – that is the truth.  Painted toenails, sleek legs, perfume you cannot smell unless you are closer than a whisper, my hair down and styled simple, casual, so whenever my hair moves in the breeze you take notice.  You cannot help, but to look.

Because there is nothing as powerful as femininity.  It is not power.  It is powerful.  Femininity.  It is important because I never get to be a girl anymore.

For the meal, I made chicken burritos.  Slow cooking the chicken in broth until cooked then fork shredding it, placing it back in a pan of real enchilada or another sauce until it just melts not stringy chicken meat.  A flour tortilla, filled with the chicken meat slightly cooled so it doesn’t interfere with the other ingredients, sliced avocado, shredded lettuce probably iceberg, sour cream that I have taken cilantro and or parsley cut and crushed in a mortar and pestle then folded into the cream, sharp shredded cheddar cheese, then folded.  It’s important that the layers create the best bite.  Slightly toasted in a panini maker for just a bit of crust.  A side of homemade guacamole, Pico de Gallo or just chopped tomatoes, homemade tortilla chips, and jalapeno coleslaw.  Wonder what this tastes like, shredded cabbage letting it sit in a jalapeno juice overnight or for several days.  Wonder what that would taste like.

Does it need some fresh chopped garlic, I ask before we get to the table?

I see the look on his face and reassure him of the disposable toothbrushes in the guest bathroom if he is worried about fresh breath after dinner.

Placing at the table a small vase of clear glass pale pink cottage roses with cuttings of asparagus fern because I heard the word romantic.  This part he enjoys for many reasons I don’t have to share with you here.  I tell him how Murphy helped me in the kitchen while making the meal.  Watching something on my electronic device while cooking.  Murphy laid down on the counter – away from the food – placing his paw and arm in front of the device as if to say, Cherith, are you watching this?  Were you watching this here?  Blink, blink, blinky eyes cute.  Then, how Murphy loves to jump off the counter for a piece of food like celery for the sheer joy of jumping.  Running back, so he can jump again.  How Lambert loves the smell of lavender.  While cleaning he started rolling around on the floor after spraying lavender like it was catnip.  How Maurice, gets goofy from being petted gooshy, gooshy in his fur.  He goes roly-poly goofy.  How Maurice loves the smell of strawberry leaves, rolling around in them for the smell.

If you or we are still hungry or want dessert there are the oatmeal cookies.  Did you think of them or did I?  Oatmeal, walnuts, raisins, cinnamon, nutmeg, homemade vanilla ice cream with real vanilla bean.  I let you decide if you want to knife and fork it or in a dish with the cookie crumbled on top. And, an espresso.

The rest of the night…has yet to happen.

What would that be like if it were to happen in the real?