Author: Dgbcfhn

My underwear is not a set.

No, that’s a no.  Nopes.  No, I am not dressing like a man.

There is nothing wrong or sinister about tongues, lips, and mouths.  It is the best way to kiss or give blow-jobs.  I am quite skilled with both.

From Birth Male Born Men Beards Only

July 29, 2018

Day 1, 580

Very, very, very serious problem going on if you have not been reading, thank the teacher for that.

No, I am in no way interested in show business, nor have I have been for decades all you have to do is look at my face to understand why, thank the teacher for that.  If you are wondering why I am not writing about stories, food, my cats, or my family, thank the teacher for that.  If you are wondering why my feelings and mind about David Wolfe have turned into ugliness, thank the teacher for that.

If you in any way wonder, why I do not stare at the television it is because I disagree with the purpose and numbers of rate.  In my mind the numbers are too high.  In my mind it does not need to play a part at all.  Why?  Because the numbers are made up on purpose.  It could go away without ever having to be discussed or mentioned again.  Therefore, eliminating a role.  Other co-workers go to the bathroom, take additional breaks, saunter around the floor as if they have all the time in the world, leisurely walk to and fro, all the while I am sweating, breaking my body, killing myself for numbers that fluctuate at the whim of random persons.

The fact that I must sit here and write this next is beyond maddening to me.  Be careful in reading here.  Do not mistake my calm demeanor, and careful wording for complicity.  In what other business is the employee responsible not only for their work, but the work of every person around them?  In what other business is an employee responsible for their supervisor’s work?  It is my job to go around account for every minute and moment of time off task to make sure that what a supervisor or other personnel should be doing?  It is my job to make another person’s job like the water spider’s – easier?!  By doing their work for them?!

I disagree the television should be taken down immediately.  Based on the number alone if you have not been reading otherwise.

I am so beyond at the moment.

If you want to know why my drive-head speak-thinking is not changing, thank the teacher for that.  If you want to know why my t-shirt is not changing, thank the teacher for that.  If you want to know why my shoes are not changing, thank the teacher for that.  If you want to know why my in-head speaking is not changing at work, thank the teacher for that.

If you do now want to know, you should still thank the teacher for that.

I should have been a linguist.  What person doesn’t speak the language, yet knows someone is speaking with a poor or improper pronunciation and accent?

It has been X-small and XX-small for a long time now.  Not small.

Replacing someone with the same person is not appreciated.

From Birth Male Born Men Beards Only

July 28, 2018

Day 1, 579.

Code Name: Praise

He used this word specifically when he spoke to me, I in turn write it with specificity.  Code name: Praise.

I have never seen Blazing Saddles in its entirety, now I know why.  If you haven’t been paying attention I am not interested Hollywood.  That is why they had to dupe me into a fake set.  I am not interested.  I haven’t been for decades.  Why would I be look at what they done to my hair.  Look at what they done to my face.  Look at what they’ve done to my body.

What was the purpose of eradicating my bloodline?  It is not because it is inferior in any way.  I will never again believe it was for any real reason.  Could have cancer, not that I did have cancer – it is different.  I never did have cancer because I never needed surgery – ever.  I will never believe what they say about it ever again.  Since, the set seems set on not keeping me employed, I want and am looking for another job.  How could I not.

• If you haven’t been paying attention cutesy-time is over.

I used to be a cinephile, it has been ruined for me.  Why?  Now, a movie poster plays a bigger part, has more importance or meaning than any moment that I might enjoy from watching a film.  If they tried to use a program or expert people to understand me in any way from the movies I watched it would have failed.  Cinephiles, or at least I am or was interested in films to find moments.  I am no longer able to be a cinephile.  For instance, in Mission: Impossible – Fallout, was that Paris I saw?  Yeah, yeah there are cars and motorcycles, but was that Paris?  Did you see the stone?  Did you see the color of the stone on the buildings?  Is it like that all over Paris or only in certain parts?  Did you see how the color of the stone reflected the light?  Reflected the light from the sun?  How it complimented each other?  How the color of the leaves of the trees are of such a color it created a specific palette?  How magnificent!  Was it designed and engineered like that on purpose?  Wow!  How it created natural lighting before artificial lights were invented.  The rest of what I might have enjoyed has left my spirit.  Because I am no longer allowed to be a cinephile anymore.

Code Name: Praise.

Holding my driver’s license in my hand looking at the photo I remembered why I started myself on a path of my own life away from being a caregiver.  I had stopped smiling.  The photo was taken in 2010 and it is plain all over my face how difficult it was to take that photo.  The corners of my mouth barely moved at all.  I have been spotting people for decades.  I have been recognizing marks for decades.  It might surprise some people with my memory of how I am able to remember who was in the driver’s license office that day and who was there to watch me.  I am disinterested in sharing anymore.  I am just as disinterested in sharing wobbly chins.  They are surprised I didn’t give them the information in my head.  Wonder why that is?  I know the answer.  How many years has this been already?!

They placed a t-shirt with angel wings on a man’s back, then purposefully placed debris in the roadway knowing where I would drive and be on the road causing damage to my right wheels.  I am not able to afford to get it fixed.  Why would they do that to me?  Why would they do that to me at work?

Reach much?!  Living is dangerous.  Being alive is dangerous.  I have been chewing gum long before I bought a pair of shoes.

All these years for what?!

Before any of them showed up I had been electing presidents, giving my mother a better life than she could have had in a nursing home – I still remember the look on her face when I went to visit her not too long after I placed her in a nursing home crazed, detached, wandering inside her own mind for the exit, keeping animals safe and off the streets until they found a home, keeping people safe from harm without them knowing it.  No, before you ask I am not a super hero, nor do I pretend to be or think I am.  Aren’t paramedics, firemen, and every day people capable of great things?

Now, my life is reduced to buying a product because someone wore a shirt or said something before I was able to buy the product.  Because usually it is something I was going to purchase but had to wait for my paycheck or something.  I do not really have a choice if I go to a grocery store, then they start talking over the loudspeaker using the music to control my purchases.  It is the equivalent of completing a Ph D. only to be made to repeat kindergarten every day, then asked to pretend that you are happy.

Note the lack of creative food writing, writing, and stories as very serious.  A very serious problem.

I wrote about a fruit – Code name: Praise.

Every day I am still alive you should consider yourself lucky.  I am so aggrieved.

Code name: Praise

It never has been nor ever will be quick way only.  This has never been me nor ever will be me.  Quick is where mistakes happen.  Quick is not where artwork that is chosen happens.

Quick is just a teacher not an educator.

No, FSU I am not interested, I haven’t been for decades.  No, I am not choosing a mission nor have I ever.  Why would I.  If you hadn’t noticed my drive thinking and talking in my head will not change.

I am beyond willingness.

Wonder why that is?!  Look at my hair.  Look at my face.  Look at the size and shape of my body.  Why would I want or choose anymore of that or this life.

What has been the point of all these years?!

This is not a life I want.

I’m done.

Cruise is the name not the product.  Stop turning it the wrong way around.

From Birth Male Born Men Beards Only.

July 26, 2018

Day 1, 577.

If you hadn’t noticed I am not changing my wardrobe, attire, or clothes anytime soon.

If you hadn’t noticed or been reading, I’ve been saving people before anyone here showed up.  How many more stories must I write to prove and give evidence to that fact?  The truth is real-life is not a Hollywood set or a set at all.  Real-life and real-life rescues, saves, and removals of threats happen, more often than not, in such a way as to not be noticed.  It is not a dramatic blow-up, argument, or fight.  It is skill.  There is nothing wrong with that.

How many more stories must I write about me saving, rescuing, and removing threats that will be enough to satiate?

If you hadn’t noticed, no I am not interested in making brother, sister comparisons.  I got it.  I got it faster than you.

How is it that an order of a pizza is able to dictate and control my surroundings?  Or groceries?  Or gas?  I ordered my pizza first on purpose.  I have had more than enough.  There is a constant wrong-way slant that is always incorrect.  They try to make me see things the other way around when it is always one-way only.

No, that order will remain unfulfilled as always.

What I want to know is why people are willing to participate.  Even-flow as I understand it only represents women.  Even-flow always being women.  How is this at all possible?  When if you think about it and apply reason and logic even-flow is a representation of water.  How is this possible?  Water is my name.  Other women are not me, I am the only me there is.  Why has such gaming and teacher training been allowed and been allowed to continue?

There is a negative connotation that is added and given to every male experience and interaction that I see or would or could possibly like or enjoy.  Look at what they’ve done to my hair.  Look at what they’ve done to my face.  Look at what they’ve done to the size and shape of my body.

Correct, I don’t.  It is more important to give kisses to men so that they will know joy.  Because that ripple will be felt by the whole world.  If you didn’t know, there are others that did and have known, I didn’t wash my floor for several months after I got the news about Tuesday and Thursday.  I could not bring myself to take the tear-stains off the floor.  The grief and devastation were too much.  It still is.

Correct, Elijah sat by the Brook Cherith and not at a house of one color.  For more than one or two colors.

My work is more than hard, it is more than difficult.  Hayward, hard way.  It is harder than it looks.  It is not achievable by just any person.  I believe I deserve my life back.  I have done more than my share.  I have given more than enough time.

Here is what happened to me on the night of July 24, 2018 while at work.  If you have seen or heard otherwise it is not the truth.  My mind and body are spent, tired, depleted.  I started to sing to myself in my heard where no one could hear.  Where no one should hear me, but me.  I started to sing.

Praise the Lord….

Praise the Lord…

Praise the Lord…

…For the chains that seem to bind you

Serve only to remind you

That they drop powerless behind you

When you praise him.

When you praise him.

When you praise him,

When you praise the Lord…

Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat…

Over and over singing in my head to myself to reach the end of the night.  When I feel someone in the back of my head unhappy with my singing.  Unhappy with me singing this song to myself.

Well, if that’s true, I am going to keep singing, I thought to myself.  So, I did.

When…

My manager whose name is Angel – doesn’t this make her a false angel – abruptly interrupts me working to tell me that I have fallen below, I am being verbally coached.  I believe I was verbally coached because I was singing a gospel with specific words and wording – in my head.

Who was standing behind me at work while I was singing at work?  While I was singing in my head at work.  An electronic arts proxy and a child/baby actor from Close Encounters of the Third Kind wearing a Vader t-shirt.

…For the chains that seem to bind you

Serve only to remind you

That they drop powerless behind you

When you praise him.

This is not a dramatic moment.  This is an abuse of power and nothing more.  Drop, Dr. Operation.  In other words, not pregnantable.  It is my head first.  If I choose to sing a song to get me through the night and it bothers other people, they need to vacate the building never to return.

Who has illegally placed devices and implants in my body, so they are able to hear me thinking?  Not me.  My response is still the same, I am looking for another job.  How could I not.

I am not reading the news on purpose.  Sick with grief.  Sick with loss.  Sick of loneliness and aloneness.  Sick of not being able to live my life the way I want.

How many more years must I give?

Why is there not more outrage for an end to this?!  To all of this?!  This is not real life.  I am not really living.  For I am not able to have the life I want to live.  What about what I want?  What about what I want in life?  I want a real physical relationship with a real man where I get to see him in body and not just my mind.  Because it is never real vision in my head.

If you hadn’t noticed I am not an actor, singer, performer, musician, spy, or secret agent, nor am I interested.  Nor have I been interested.  My answer remains the same as it has for years since before this house.

They do not need my help.  I do not do anything better or differently than any of the real persons working real jobs.  They are all better skilled and trained and paid because of it.  I am just a factory worker.

No, my friend those days and times left me years ago.  It is not code name Irene.  You do realize David Wolfe played a Rene at The Container Store, right?  There are only so many auditions that you don’t get before you stop wanting.  More importantly, I do not want to.  It does not give me the experience or an experience that I want to continue.  If I did I would have auditioned.

I understand it.  I understood it.  I don’t want it.  How could I?  Look at what they’ve done to me.

I just want a real life.

Sick of alone.

The same answer I have given for more years than most people know.

Sick with sadness and grief.