Author: You didn’t pull! You don’t understand! You do not own my accounts! Perceived control!

Such plans I had for this place and my life when I moved here.  All the things I was going to do.  Plans to make this place a home.  Plans to do all the things I hadn’t been able to do because I was taking care of my mother and family – are gone.  Have been gone and destroyed when I discovered all the cameras.  Gone when I discovered it was not possible for me to have a moment, not one moment 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year of privacy.  I am not able to have any privacy whatsoever.  At all.

In addition, I am left for years and years without any love or the possibility of ever being loved in the flesh.

You are not sorry.

Stop lying to me.

I am nothing but dollar signs to these people.

I want you to consider the fact that these people have gone unchecked for decades.  It is more than possible that their brain-waves and thinking is what actually interfered with me when I was just eighteen.

It could have been their notion, their idea, their assessment, their conclusion that made its way into my thinking rather than the other way around.

You need, and they need to consider, be more careful, and remove themselves.  They know not the possible and probable harm that could happen just by thinking around me.

Because this keeps coming back to me.  It seems you are on to a false lead.

It looked like weather.  That is not what it is.

There is a hurry. (?)

I see you’ve stored your brain in your underpants again.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that added weight, padding, and excessive force only damage the product slowing and weighing it down.

I would fire the people responsible for the improperly balanced weight.  This priceless commodity is above such idiocies.  You are causing the stock not to soar, but to be traded at less than fair market values.

Way to think that through.

Going commando that gets the job done.

Viscus.

However, I am uncertain as to the authenticity.

Months.

Sooner if you don’t listen.  Something just went frantic.

It is hard for me to differentiate between what is passed on to the proper channels and correct departments and what is left to be determined later.

I was trying to fall asleep the morning of 8/4/2018 as per usual there is someone in my head trying to keep me up, so I look tired.  It is utter bollocks.  It is abuse and abusive.  Then, I saw something.  I’ve been talking about it in my head to people since it happened.

It looked like weather.  As best as I can describe it.  It looked like a massive weather system rectangle in shape very far away in the distance.  If you looked at space and time through a continuum (not entirely sure why I use this word, trying to describe a picture of what I saw) as a massive tunnel (trying to give you the imagery of dimensionality) all of a sudden I saw this wall of weather cloudy, smoky, pollution, airy, yet thick, massive in size perhaps three stories high bigger than an apartment building.  I started to take a look – only way to describe looking, seeing in my head – when chatterbox, talking man interrupts me thinking – SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

It was gone.

The threat was different from others I’ve seen.  And, I have not been able to see too much detail.  Why?!  Too many people.  Too many people surrounding me.  It’s like being able to receive television channels without having cable that is what living here and being me is like for me.  So, if I am stuck with someone who is going through a specific problem there is a transfer problem.  I don’t know how many times I have to write about this to get this corrected.

It is like being courteous to a co-worker or someone, yet in real life you keep a distance, an emotional distance, you don’t get too involved for so many reasons.  A very specific reason for me has to do with how it affects my head, my thinking, how it makes me feel, how it creates an environment.  I used to be able to remove myself from people, or jobs that do not live in my well of truth.

I’ve tried to revisit this wall of weather.  I write wall because it was so massive and flat.  Men.  Mostly in their forties, thirties, few younger and older.  This is the best way I can describe what I saw – if they met or were hanging out at a dance club where it wasn’t entirely filled with loud music, so they could talk.  Credit cards.  Havoc.  To see what they could hack and more and get away with on a global scale.  For vengeance.  For fun.  For the thrill.  I saw drugs and alcohol.  Computers.

Quiet, all directional its true.

It went away until now.  Now, I am troubled.  Anxious.  Heavy worry.

August 9, 2018

Day 1, 591

From Birth Men Born Males Only, No Trans, No Skirt Wearing Fairies, No Gay.  No Women Allowed.  I Am the Only Woman.

As I am completely unable to understand the purpose, the point, and the reason for my life these years, I do not apologize for the exclusions.

 

Since the last thing I want to do is clean endlessly, clean my house, do dishes, or vacuum I am holding off until the last possible moment.

For it is the last time we meet here, you and I, we will never see each other again in person.  Not ever.  What was once found is not sustainable in this way, in this life.  I will never willingly go to you again.  You failed to understand how bad it is for me – here and now.

It is a cool day, we are indoors.  We greet each other with kisses on the cheek as if we are old friends.  You are the same handsome, good-looking man wearing a belt with your pants as I have never been a woman who ever looked at a man with his ass hanging out of his pants.  With my hair and makeup done making men want to know more about me because of how I look, I wear a dress that clings to my skin it doesn’t take long to notice I have no panty lines.  You notice the shape of my bosom at my age does not hang down.  It looks as if I could choke on them if I laid down with my head unelevated.  As I walk in, you wonder how many men have imagined me wearing only the boots I am wearing because I am so thin and sexually desirable.  You have never seen me look better.

We share a slice of boysenberry pie and coffee because I no longer remember what that tastes like.  In the past we would each have had a slice that time is gone at the moment.  And, you let me talk.  You listen.

Telling you about all the bad dates, I’ve had.  The one in Orlando that felt so wrong to me, I told my brother where I was going, so that if something happened to me someone would know where I last was because I could not understand what was wrong there.  How the first thing I asked him in person was his age, how he tried to take me back to his place and I refused because something was so terribly wrong yet made no sense.

How Murphy stands with his tail so tall, it is longer than his body, straight up in the air with just the bit at the end that turns left to right, left to right as if he thinks from his tail…what to do?  Run and fly through the air because Cherith likes it?  Roll on the floor like the picture Cherith has in her head of Thursday back in January 2015 when she was feeling so bad, he walked over to her to make her feel better, stretching out in front of her, in front of the verticals?  Play with a toy to make Cherith laugh and feel better?  Run and play with Maurice?  How Murphy has the most spectacular eyes of such unusual color and size for his body.

How Maurice has discovered how much fun it is to play with the feather toy.  Knocking the bird out of the air.

How Lambert talks and talks and talks every morning.  How Lambert is the gorgeous one.  How he guards every doorway when I move from room to room.  How he looks so much like a sphinx, however, not like any sphinx I’ve ever seen with his paws crossed in front of him, his chest up, his head held in such a way, noble, calm, serene, although he is only a moment away from being lethal.  He is the protector of all.  How he is one of the fastest cats bringing the feathered toy to the ground.

How it is not only Maurice that follows me from room to room.  How Maurice, Lambert, and Murphy are so much happier when I am home because my house is such a lonely place.

How Thursday used to sit in front of my yoga mat every time I exercised, putting his paws on it, playing with it as though he wanted and was happy to be with me in this way.  How I used to put him in another room, so I could get the work-out done.

How I used to play a version of hide and seek with Tuesday and Thursday, running after me.  How they thought that was so much fun.  Run, run, run after to me, then look up to me…do we do it correctly?  Goody!  Let’s do it again!

How, Thursday went running out of the house I used to have, got stuck in a tree and I had to get a ladder to get him down.

How I love the legs on Maurice, Lambert, and Murphy.  And, Thursday.

How Maurice is the all-meat boy, he is nothing but pure meat and when he runs I giggle at his fur coat that falls away from his body when he trots.  How the paws on Maurice are so adorably rounded he could never be anything but the stable, handsome, provider of a husband if he were to marry.

How Lambert is pure muscle.  Long, lean muscle legs with fea-v-ers (feathers) at his back haunch.

How Murphy’s legs are so nicely shaped and sized, he too has short fea-v-ers (feathers) on his haunches.

I just want to take each of them and gnaw and gum on their gorgeous legs.  I just love them so.

How I wonder who was the person who told my brother to buy me Cleopatra and Lawrence of Arabia DVD’s now?

It is time for us to leave now.  You try to tell me about your feelings.  But, I remind you that you never cared for me, you never loved me.  There has always been another woman and women.  You never loved me enough.  That if there was a time for us it has been too many years and too long ago gone and lost to ever be again.  You know it to be true.

So, we never meet again.

The opportunity has long been lost.  You should never have allowed people access or permission.  You failed to achieve.  You failed in concept.  You have failed in performance.  You failed in decision making.  You failed in your hiring process.

I have never been hired by you.  I turned that down years ago.

I have seen the last Star Wars.

I will not go to another.