Author: You didn’t pull! You don’t understand! You do not own my accounts! Perceived control!

Keeping secrets is not the same as communicating discreetly.  There is a risk and possibility of disrupting work and processes.  Please, do not endanger and risk the lives of others by thinking otherwise.  Somethings are a need-to-know basis.

Chris = Christ without the T or cross, CH – is – R, R – is – CH, take the letter R turn it upside down it is a symbol, legs upside-down, his, RC (cola)or CR (this could be a symbol) or C his R and vice versa, IRS, CH, on and on and on.

DARE – ER – AD, or ER, Da as in yeah, yes, Are, D, Dear, Read, I could go on.

The letter W, two V’s. A V can be a symbol for legs.

An M is a W upside down.  A W is an M upside down.  Together they are six points, the star of David is a six-pointed star.

Spoo = poos, as pooh bear – think, think, think, I think I’ll have a pot of honey, or defecation.

C M ducks

M R not ducks

O S they are

C M wangs

Well, I’ll B M R ducks.  This is something my father showed me many years ago, I don’t think I remember the code exactly.  At the time I told him it was funny, I remembered it all these years.  I believe my father had help with this.  As I used to sit by the pond at our apartment complex and feed the ducks, watch the otters and think a place where I was not living in an apartment.  Also, I saved the tree closest to our apartment.  I would take water to it everyday as it was just a sapling and still in danger of not growing roots deep within the earth and soil.

Marry me = Y, why, ram, me, R, upside-down legs.  YR, Your, AM – morning, REM – rapid eye movement.  M.E, medical examiner, YR, your, ram.

On and on and on.

Full of ideas.

I have always been full of ideas.  When I was at HCC, I believed it was not a smart move for the campus (the commissary) to shut-down in the afternoon.  Why not stay open for students to stay on campus, work, study, buy food, and feel a part of the school?  There was never enough involvement or involving of the students.  It was run as a commuter campus, shuttle students on and off atmosphere.  There was money to be made, let alone memories.

Naturally when I started going to Thespis Society meetings, I had ideas.  One of them being t-shirts.  I created, designed, and had t-shirts made for the Thespis Society members.  It was a way of advertising to other students if they did not know there was such a thing as the Thespis Society on campus.  It was a way of creating involvement.

David Wolfe had to butt in on my idea.  Pun intended.  Because he wanted long-sleeves with a mock-turtle neck, and I thought short-sleeved t-shirts were enough.  He went with me to the t-shirt printing place.  I did the research, calculated the costs, I found the place that could screen the t-shirts from my design.  I did everything, and David wanted in on it.

When David and I went to the screen printing shop, the man told me they could also embroider the shirts.  Another idea.  There were positions in the Thespis Society, President, Vice-President, and Treasurer.  Why not have the students who held those positions names and positions embroidered on the shirts?

Because David butted in, I did not dismiss his idea, I put it to a vote.  I asked the rest of the Thespis Society to vote on what they wanted.  The vote was for both short-sleeved t-shirts and mock turtleneck long-sleeved shirts.

Was it David’s idea for the t-shirts or was someone talking through David?

In designing the t-shirts, I decided black was to be the color because this was theater, not television or film.  I wanted an iconic image for the Thespis Society.  What is more iconic in theater than Shakespeare?  Does anyone remember Sir Ian McKellen on BBC America’s Graham Norton Show speaking about the English deaf sign for Shakespeare?  I remember.  What is the most iconic Shakespearean play?  Hamlet.  How many Shakespeare plays can you name?  Everyone knows Hamlet.

At our home the office was in the garage, there was a drafting table, multiple desks, and assorted pens, pencils, many varieties of paint, all kinds of things.  I took the Japanese calligraphy pen and started drawing.  I had in mind the scene from Hamlet where he is holding the skull it is the quintessential Shakespearean moment.  It is everything that is Shakespeare in that scene.

There were only a few drawings before I drew the skull and crossed scrolls underneath the skull that were used on the t-shirts.  The skull happened to be facing left.

Now, do you wonder why I told you that story to tell you about Sherlock Holmes?  Puzzle pieces.  In the episode between John Watson and Irene Adler in A Scandal in Bohemia.

Irene = I, Rene, David Wolfe at least once at The Container Store.  Is this why there were t-shirts as part of the uniform at The Container Store?  Irene Adler = AI.  Artificial Intelligence. IA = the abbreviation for Iowa, “if you build it they will come” Field of Dreams.

John Watson, Jon is my brother’s (who is gay) middle name.  My brother was used to get access to me, my whereabouts, my likes and dislikes, so you see the line from the show, Irene Adler says, I know what she likes.

The heavy-set woman who brings John Watson to Irene Adler is me from another time in my life.

Bohemia, La Boheme, the opera, Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, on and on.

The naked scene between Irene Adler and Sherlock Holmes is me, Sherlock Holmes is me.  People were uncertain I knew where to look.  I did.  This is “my jaw doesn’t come unhinged”, he was a real man.

It is nearly every man’s fantasy of a woman beauty and brains to match, Irene Adler.

Sherlock Holmes and Mycroft Holmes where Mycroft is overweight, Mycroft is me from another time in my life.

To be clear, I was not a binge eater.  Here is another reason why I am denied access to food and water at work.  When I was overweight, I would go hours and hours without eating, sometimes I would go a whole day from five in the morning until nearly ten at night before I had eaten anything.  My metabolism got way screwed up.  Along with other things.

When I did my head work to go on my diet, one thing I did was to prepare and plan my food it’s a brain thing.  I had it planned, it made way in my head for other things.

“Tell him you’re not dead” is about my t-shirt design, the skull.  It is about David, and acting, performing, and singing.

I auditioned for Southern Methodist University at Dr. Phillips High School in Orlando, Florida on Turkey Lake road for their acting program.  I was the last person of the day to audition.  I saw it in his eyes as soon as he looked at me, I was not going to be invited to the school.  It was recorded.  I looked at the camera while auditioning a monologue, he asked me to sing something I had not been prepared to do.  I sang a Christmas carol of some kind.  I was so depressed by it I went to Blockbuster on the way home and rented movies.

I doubt the man was from the University that is the reason for my depressive response.  Because I could not understand exactly who this man was.

There are only so many times you can audition, not book the jobs, and continue.  To be clear, I have never been hired, nor been under any understanding that I was hired to act or perform since 2012.

I could go on and on and on.  It is difficult to dissect these pieces that I understand.  I dissect them so that they can be understood by those who are reading.

This dissecting is like working in a room, then having to write an exact play by play of every moment.  It doesn’t work that way in real life.  Talk about time-consuming.

I knew and was aware while sitting at the Starbucks café in Barnes and Noble that my conversation was being listening in upon.  I was not aware that my friend was partially in on it at the time.  I repeatedly remarked about how much I liked The Scandal in Bohemia episode of Sherlock.  I liked the episode without having to think about it.  Probably because of brainwaves about the script.

Drake – was probably the supervisor at the time, or it could have been edited into my version to keep me from wanting to write about Benedict.  And, nothing more.  It is extraordinarily gracious of Benedict Cumberbatch – BC – to create such a character and show, as well as, the creators and writers and so on.  Basing a character from my weight loss.

Most likely this is only a small portion of everything that is there.

On and on, and on and on.

Day 1,549.

It is time for a party.

I would ask for your forgiveness in the lateness of this writing, however, I know it will be understood how I’ve had to take the time to teach manners, respect, and the importance of priorities.  It is more important than some ill-claimed, teacher’s task list.

Tell me I’m wrong.  I dare you.  Tell me I am wrong when I see greatness.  I dare you.  I fucking dare you.

When I see a man, I see his town, his village, his people, his community, and his belief in his people and town that it is great and important so much so that it makes me want to tell the world.  If this man believes in his people, then I am interested, and I want to share with you.

When we lived in Gresham, Oregon we used to have block parties and International parties that my mother used to organize.  We had parties where we used to go from house to house, each house having a different international dish, national origin, and course.  Why do we live in a world where that does not exist anymore?

Do they still have sister cities anymore?  There is a sister city to Portland, Oregon in Sapporo Japan?  I thought it was in Nagoya.  We had, hosted, entertained so many Japanese it is beyond a notice to me.  I remember visiting a home when I was still single digit young that was apart, yet off a lumber yard property that was in Japanese style and function.  It was so unique, I so admired the function of this home and garden it is still present in my mind.

Both my mother and father were teachers, as far as I know my father is still teaching.  My brother is a teacher.  They were and are teachers that their students liked, admired, and wanted to be in their classes.  Do you know, understand, and appreciate how difficult a job being that kind of a teacher is?

My family has nothing to do with the “teaching” that has been done to me these years in this house.  None.  There is a difference.

My father worked with main-frame computers and taught ESOL.  My mother had more jobs than I can remember.  One of them being working with refugees.  I don’t know how many times I’ve told this and written this story – this is how I grew up with Internationals as though they were no stranger than a neighbor.  It is the best way I know how to be brought up in this world.

For reference and understanding, when working at The Container Store, Marvin and Rene talked about the show Duck Dynasty.  A great burden and heart-break to my mother who arrived in this country through legal means, worked her way nearly starving to death broke for years had difficulty from personal experience trying to reach refugees who arrived at this country, the United States of America believing what they saw on television as real.

Dynasty was a television show, not real life.  Having to convey to refugees the difference was – to say the least – a strain upon my mother.  See if you can catch the difference, see the meaning, and connection.

True story, my mother was approached by an animator wanting her to be a model for him.  If you saw her photos from that time you could understand.  My mother, I am sure was uncertain of his intent or she would have accepted.

My father who worked the night-shift with the main-frame computers when I was growing up, I was grateful when he moved to Florida and started working a dayshift.  There is a difference.

When I was a teen-ager walking up the stairs of our home, my father who was in the kitchen listening to a tape recording turned the corner to look at me.  A tear running down his face.  I had never before seen him cry.  He was listening to the recording of his father’s funeral in South Africa.

My father, I have always seen as a man who identifies himself as a black man.  If you know South African white men, you would understand.  I told this story to Denzel Washington, or who I believed was DW at the time.  There is a bond unlike any other I have ever seen or witnessed between South African white men and South African black men.  It is as great as any brotherhood, it is a bond and friendship so special it cannot be denied.  It is not the same as it is here in the States.  It is different.  It is great.  It is spectacular.  I am so grateful that my father – if he was unable to share anything else – provided me with the knowledge that color knows no difference in the hearts of men.

One family we knew from my mother’s work with refugees was from Sri Lanka.  The mother made a tomato salad dish, I have not forgotten.  Simple, tomato wedges, red onions, parsley, and salt and pepper.  I would add a splash of EVOO, I would make sure the salt and pepper were freshly-ground.

Let’s have a block party closing the streets down, or a park, or a theater, or a beach, or a pool, or anywhere.  Around the world everyone have a party.  Neighbors, families, friends, strangers, people uniting to create a moment and moments that will last a lifetime, and hopefully beyond.

Let’s everyone bring a dish.  Let’s everyone join in bringing light, happiness, joy, peace, understanding, love that passes all understanding, join hands in prayer or silence.  Let us all have a party bringing our own dish.  Let us all share in joy.  Let us all share in the big boom that is greater than any weapon man or woman could think of – the love of man-kind.

Bring the dish if it is only in your mind, mind’s eye, or thought, the thought that brings man to the brink of his greatness – the strength and bigness of his heart.

And, let’s party.

Let’s party with Internationals from around the world if the only way that is possible is in our own mind for one single second!

Let’s enjoy man-kind through food, hearts, and mind’s.

Let’s all of us believe if only for one second that man-kind is greater than his circumstances.

Let’s all of us believe in the importance of the moment.

I, myself want to believe in moments for the rest of my life…

And, you?

Most people watch television and movies, so they don’t have to think.  To zone-out, unwind, and destress.  I have been denied this for years when they made it a part of my job.  Any person after so many years of this would become unhappy, if nothing else, after being told what movies or shows they must see.

Trudging through a task list after working eight or ten hours straight through, no wonder I stop to watch a movie.  I don’t want to think anymore.  Why on a day off from work would I want to relax and not do work?  I must be crazy.

I am exhausted.

In addition, whatever I purchase is also a part of my job.  When I purchase an item, how I purchase an item, from what company, on and on and on and on.  Why I am not allowed any separation from work and home?  Why is it that people are allowed in my home at all?  Why is it that people are allowed to destroy my personal property like my refrigerator, dryer, my clothing, any photographs?

Modeling doesn’t work for me, what it does is push me into doing the opposite or inaction of the model.

Then, I am disgusted because I have not accomplished everything, and I am too tired to continue.

Ugh!

 

The path has not yet been cleared and clear for me to enjoy at night at the movies.  It is known by the correct parties concerned.  It is not all clear.  All clear is not the same as transparent.  Trans-parent.  This should never have happened to me or been allowed to happen to me.  This is not discrimination or a personal judgement – it is about correctness and proper procedure and order.

I am the parent.  I am the mother – not the other way around.

Here I am again, hot as hell, mad as everything having to correct problems that are not my job.  Before going to work – again.

To be clear, any franchise such as Star Wars would be mad, upset, angry, and disgusted at being used in the way that it was to teach me and re-train me.  Why else would I include someone I spoke to and for no other reason.

STOP GIVING OTHER PEOPLE AND THE WRONG PEOPLE CREDIT FOR THE WORK I DO AND AM DOING!

I am working on 13 stories I have to write before going back to work, and those are not all of the stories.

This is how I understand him – the man on the side of the road.  He has a sick and twisted sense of humor in the best way possible considering the many different people he encounters.  It is a sick and twisted sense of humor in a healthy way.  It is not perverted, or sick, or deviant, or disgusting.  It is extremely healthy as a way to re-channel and redirect energies, emotions, and negativity, so as not to have to carry around his work as a burden.  Also, he likes to have fun and enjoy himself.  There is nothing wrong with any of that.  That is extremely healthy.  Either I saw that in him, understand that about him, or I do not.  It is either real or it is not.

However, there is no place for that at my work.  It is not a work environment that functions in that way.  Too easily it is misinterpreted, misunderstood, and degrading to my physical body and mind.  I would rather think highly of him, men for that matter, than think otherwise.

Capisce?

Do you realize I have been denied access to buy purchases such as the Beleek coffee mugs and tea set last year that would have matched the shells in the movie Moana?  For me, the purchases would have had nothing to do with the movie.  Beleek happens to be one of the best porcelains I’ve ever purchased.  It is made of such fineness, I have not seen or purchased its equal.  There might be others, I simply have not been exposed to it, yet.

Do you realize that it takes me some four or five hours after waking up to get to the point of being able to get work done?  To be able to write.  I do not understand this if it is merely from the illegal entries or not.

If it is my job to go around every day before I clock in and secure every single entry pointed staircase securing it closed than I AM THE BOSS!  Otherwise, they would never be opened or used to clear jams.

If you are using something that is not understood by me such as spraying the goddamn fucking air than it is not working nor feasible to continue.

If I am able to do something or understand something without the use of chemical inhalants or spraying the air, then STOP IT IMMEDIATELY!  It is counter-productive because all I learn from it is that I am not actually doing anything of any measure or worth.  Such as alerting the government to extremely dangerous threats.

If you are interested I had an idea about my hair getting it to a more natural color.  When roots grow out the line on my hair was getting tiresome to me.  I am trying to reduce work and expense.

I am not buying pants at this time.  You will have to wait and see.

The reason for causing damage to my chair where I work at home is this: Maurice loves me, he loves to sit with me while I work.  Murphy loves me, he loves to sit in my lap.  There is nothing wrong with MY animals wanting and liking ME!  To change that is beyond disgusting!

Do you understand that I remember David at the bar with ice in his beer?  Am I supposed to forget that?!  How and why would I possibly want to change that?!

As to June 25, 2018 talking to Chris, as soon as I said, did you do stand-up?  I don’t know what happened on the other end, but I was taken aback, almost blinded it was so bright as Chris spoke, I did stand-up.  Who am I speaking to?  David Wolfe?  It still feels one-sided, I felt he was so excited, however I believe that is only because he is excited because he believes he has done something by allowing Michelle Obama to hear what it is I am saying in my head as I am working.

Do you understand, I am the ONLY employee in that whole building who takes less than a fifteen-minute break – EVERY FUCKING DAY JUST TO KEEP NUMBERS UP?!  Why the hell would I look at the television screen to look up my numbers WHEN THE NUMBERS ARE MADE UP?!

What is my job?!

It goes too fast all the time.

What is it that you actually want me to do?  Pack and pack only?  Then get the fuck out of my head!  Otherwise if you want to speak in my head, have conversations, dream in my head, imagine, create – GODDAMMIT IT GOES TOO FUCKING FAST!

Fucking hell man, I feel like a machine you keep whipping to make it continue!

Do you understand that my ice cube trays have been made inedible?  I am not throwing them away as I might find a purpose for them other than making ice.

Do you understand that they have entered my home cutting into my clothes to make them smaller, shorter, creating an unnatural walk by doing so?

Do you understand that Marcel Marceau’s relative disagreed with what he saw – he is not the only one, he is not the only person I’ve seen disagree?  It is in line with the thinking of Monster’s Inc. you can get better and more productivity from and through a comedy line of thinking rather than trying to scare and frighten employees into submission.

Do you know it was at the Timeshare job in St. Petersburg where I heard the Saudi Arabia reference?  They were trying to get women to get me to change my gaze when I knew exactly the person I should be looking at?

Hurry up, get this done.

This has been my life since 2014, it started in 2013, however 2014 is when this went into effect.

1. Do this household chore.
2. Clean this.
3. Do this household chore.
4. Do this task.
5. Clean this.
6. Buy this product.
7. Buy this.
8. Hurry and get this done.
9. Do this task.
10. Get this done.
11. Now, do this.
12. Buy this, and only this.
13. This is the only thing you are allowed.
14. You can only buy this.
15. Do clean this.
16. Do this task.
17. Do this.
18. This is your chore.
19. Do this household chore.
20. Do this household chore.
21. Get this done.
22. Don’t sit.
23. Don’t stand.
24. Don’t think.
25. Do this.
26. Do that.
27. Do this task.
28. Get this done again.
29. Do it again.
30. Clean it again.
31. Now, do it again.
32. Do not sleep – ever.
33. Do not eat – ever.
34. Do not drink – ever.
35. No, do this, not that.
36. No, do it this way only.
37. I don’t care how you think or what you want only do it this way!
38. Now, do it again.
39. Do the whole list over again!
40. Now, do it again!
41. Do it again!
42. And, again!
43. Again, and again.

I heard United Artists was going to remake an old movie.

Well, two eyes are better than one.

Is there a door other than the keyed doors that can be locked into my home?!

Through my attic and/or washing machines?!

Seal them at once!

In my mind, I still have five cats.  My cats should never have been taken from me.  My family, my mother should never have been taken from me.  It was done, denying me my animals, my mother, my family with such malice I simply am unable to correctly write with enough emotion in which to speak to the horribleness of such an act.

Do not read into anything further as far as God is concerned.

I saw my brother at work.  I saw how much he did not want to be there and in such a way as he was used.  I saw my father at work.  He didn’t seem to mind as much, but then things were different at that time.  He was not being used in such a way.

I will be writing more about this – let it be known quite clearly, I am the mother.  I am the mother who can no longer become pregnant or impregnated. 

Men are babies – this is a saying.

Murphy, when I am dishing up food for my cats, who in my mind are the closest to children I may ever have in my life, Lambert and Maurice love to clean the utensil and lid.  It is as though they’ve lived where people fed them out of a can.  When I give Murphy the lid to sniff and see if he would like to clean it.  He looks around, then looks up at me and says, in a dish.  I need it in a dish.  The food goes in a dish, Cherith.

How very true that is, food belongs served on a dish or plate that is the proper way to eat.  See what is there in the story that just happens to be true.

Speaking about properness, it does not require money or fortune to do things properly.  There is no shame in being poor.  People will surprise you if you let them.  Having been down on your luck, making decisions out of desperate circumstances, or simply not the best decisions does not mean that a person and persons lack in ability, wanting-ness to help, be a help, change the course and actions of criminals and criminal behavior, bring justice, and make the community, and therefore the world a better place and a better tomorrow.

I saw them.  I see them.  It is a very difficult thing to be seen knowing I will see people the way I do.  Give them a chance.  Listen to your own instincts, yet do not micro-manage them to the point where they will want to not do what you ask of them just to be rid of you and spite you.

Give them a chance.  Let them see in you the possibility that can exist in them.  See if they don’t surprise you.