Author: You didn’t pull! You don’t understand! You do not own my accounts! Perceived control!

May 29, 2018

Robert Frost,

 

Also, did you remind me, or did I remember myself about the Beach Boys?  I don’t know how else to refer to them.  Wasn’t this the test drive in Tampa, I forgot the dealerships name, there was a bright orange Dodge that I did not drive.  I asked for a job.  They told me to bring back a resume, when I returned another day the manager was eating a Cuban sandwich.  It was early morning around 9ish, so it was unusual to see someone eating a Cuban for breakfast.

Ok, so this is painful to see.  I do not understand a drug brain.  I just don’t.  It doesn’t compute for me.  I heard his voice a younger child (relative) of the Beach Boys.  I saw the older Beach Boy sibling who has done a lot of work tidying up, coming behind a problem and having to deal with it.  It’s a wear on him.

When I heard the younger, I don’t know why I say this in my head.  It’s either real or not.  It’s either true or not.  He sounded like he was in rehab.  Pretty quickly after saying rehab in my head, I said he needs to get out of there.  That particular rehab.  In my head I heard, is he getting drugs.  I responded, you already know the answer to that.  If they were asking me they knew he was getting drugs from friends, he was there with.

I saw him the next day, worry and concern filled me because he was excited.

A red flag for me.

I am grateful to be able to share this privately, hopefully there will actually be help for those who need it.  Since, it seems my blog has attracted – I don’t quite know how to call it, something’s that are harmful.

It broke my heart to see him.  To see the older too.  So much work the older has done without praise or glory.

What broke me a little is the younger’s heart is closed.

His heart is closed.

His heart’s mind is closed.

I don’t know how you can reach him.

I cannot offer a solution or plan.

But, it filled me with empathy and compassion.  As, I am writing I placed my hand on his heart.  I placed his entire family’s hands – palms – on his heart.

I don’t understand his addiction as I cannot see his pain.  If he is in pain, he should let all the ugly out.  There is no shame in being ugly or being in pain.  However, there…it seems to be something else.  Is he just trying to get back at a family member?

This fills me with humility.

I hope they placed him in a rehab without the glitz.

I hope he opens his heart.  So, he can hear.

It is a great sadness for me to look at.

Broken family relationships.  There is love there.  Do they know how to talk to each other?  Not talk at each other.  Do they know how to talk to each other where each person is able to respond in return?

There is a difference in talking to someone so that you can reach them inside.

Sadness for me.

Visionworks – I don’t know why this is so important.  No, I don’t feel comfortable sharing this on my blog at the moment.  Weighted Vest?  God, you are so demanding!

I used to work at Visionworks.  I moved 7 times in two years during these years.  It goes faster in my head than I can type, especially with these nails.  Yuck!  Got to go, nails.

So, who actually owned that house where I rented a room?  I gave rent money to Amy Heinz it seemed odd, but who could question her name.  She was a real estate agent.  However, the house always seemed odd to me.  Who designs a house where the garage door that opens into the house opens into the Master bedroom?

AH, he is not a smoker?  Or…there is something there.

Do you know, I used to lie awake at night staring at that window that was above my bed?  Scared out of my mind.  I blamed it on Michael and tried to rationalize there was no way he could get in.  Perhaps it was someone else who was looking from the other side.  Dunno.

I found that rental house from a penny saver ad.  How did that happen?  Seems like too many puzzle pieces.

Yeah, a second bottle of wine with April Clayton the roommate (don’t remember her name) and her boyfriend.  I woke up naked in my bed, thankfully the door was locked.  Was that you?!  Stupid.  All you had to do was ask me.

Lance from Wisconsin came to work at Visionworks, he was from Wisconsin he owned a convertible.  I remember driving in his car singing, More Than Words.  I remember telling him I was exercising.  He said something nice about my body.  I said, I wanted to have Gallagher thighs – just something I thought of in the moment – thighs strong enough to crush a watermelon.  Ha-ha, you should have seen his face as he tried to picture that in his head.

I set Lance up with Nicole who had let me sleep on her couch as I tried to find a place to stay.

I never thought dark-haired Lance liked me like that.  I think that is something I did for myself after Michael.  I was trying to protect myself.

I remember a man came into the store, his job was behind schedule.  They gave it to me to do.  I was not worried I knew it would only take a few minutes.  His glasses were real glass not Poly.  I whistled while he stared at me through the glass while I worked.  It didn’t take me very long.  I got his job done.

Not sure if this was the same man, I cleaned his old frames (gunk in the grooves) in the ultrasound.  It changed the metal of his frame.  They were pretty greasy before.  Anyway, they comp’ed a new frame for him because he was so angry.

Brian Huber?  Was that his name?  The manager of the store who was going though a divorce.  He approached me in the lab one time, backing me into a corner telling me I reminded me of his mother (creepy) and that he was learning to speak Russian.

I reported it as harassment that went nowhere other than me speaking to another man above my manager.  I reported it after I quit.

There was a little girl that used to return to the store every six months.  You could have your lenses replaced every six months for free.  I thought of it as a nuisance at the time.  Perhaps it was a compliment.  I am uncertain.

No one taught me this, I learned it myself when I saw and asked the others why they were using different finishing pads when grinding the lenses.

Anyway, I was able to make lenses thin enough so that there was no lens that stuck out of the frame, yet still at safety thickness.  They don’t do that anymore.  Handcraft lenses for glasses.  No one else in the lab made lenses as thin as me while still keeping the safety parameters.

BTW, what’s with the Sharif look-a-like?

Somehow someone must have told my mother where I was working when I was at Visionworks.

Cannot believe it has been nearly a week since my 2-day cleaning that kept me up for 2 days.  It feels like yesterday.

Oh yeah, I did forget…also, I thought TRUMP PENCE could also be names.  They could be names of persons being held.  POW’s, journalists or reports, American’s held aboard, spies – if such people actually exist.

Is this true, the picture of the man on the Miami balcony in the WP had he been detained or held overseas?  He looks like he has been locked up without cause.

Is this true, the African-American secret service man with the bad skull cap and ‘stache is he a thinker?  Deep in thought.  Way back in his brain thinker.

Of course, when someone – me – is locked up unable to do things freely like go outside, or sit by the water, or go for a run I am bound to yell at someone.

How many more years like this?

I don’t understand the apology storylines.  There is a lot of news I don’t understand.

I don’t quite understand the Roseanne Barr story.

Is this true, is that the little girl from Visionworks in the Ivanka tone deaf story?  How would you be able to track her down if it was true?

Is this true, is that the son of the man of one of the townhouses I canvassed in 2012 over by Symmes rd?  He looks just like him.  He owned a barbershop he told me.  He was a handsome man, well-groomed.  I remember he seemed to know me before he opened the door.  He sorta charged the door as a way to get a reaction from me.  He said he was going to vote Obama.  I remember there was this something else in the air that changed the air for me – it is the only way I can describe it.  My guess, there was someone else present somehow.  Hard to have a conversation with three people if only two are present.

When I returned to the trailer Aubrey made some mention of how that man was attractive.  Yes, he is a handsome man I told her, all the while I am in the back of my head trying to figure out what that something else is…must have been another person.

I get to thank you for calling me fat?!

Then, making me heavier and fat?

I am supposed to apologize to people who make fun of my weight call me fat and ugly?!

I want another job.

Alfredo Cruz – David Wolfe – at The Container Store usually had dandruff on his shoulders.  My Princess Tu-Tu, Tuesday, she had many names had flaky skin on her back.

I was always saving frogs from Tuesday.

I would find frog guts and see Tuesday with a look of, What?  Any questions?

It was just who she was neither Thursday nor Tuesday had a wrong reaction to other animals.

This line of thinking is how I believe it is best in responding.  Sometimes you must take what you have and let it be.  If you try to make something into something other than what it is, it will always be – less than it could be.

Black face.

I don’t know how many years I must write, say in my head, and SCREAM about this.

I cannot stand black face.

I am ashamed.  It is abhorrent that it is allowed.

Putting black face make-up on a person regardless of their color and calling it “art”.

Heavy sigh.

Enough said.

Black face is not art.  Never will be.

It is shameful.  It is disgusting.

Enough said.

The other bathrooms at the breakroom if others are not aware of the consequences.  Are where unauthorized actions take place.  However, all actions other my own are unauthorized.  Therefore, I do not respond to the other direction.

If you are interested in communications to continue then you will have to let go of the restrictions and effects it places on my personal finances, products, etc.

Otherwise, I do not apologize for deleting apps that create undue stress and heavy circumstances.

Puzzle Pieces – Dev Patel who starred in Lion (Lambert, my lion) delivered a Prime Now order on my driveway.  He is a genuinely nice man.  He also starred in Chappie.  Didn’t he back up in the movie in a delivery van?  I believe he did.  Chappie was directed by Neil Blomkamp who is originally from South Africa like my real father.

Dev Patel also starred in Slumdog Millionaire, directed by Danny Boyle who directed Frankenstein starring none other than Benedict Cumberbatch.  The persons sitting to my right in the theater were there to listen and observe me.  I did not pay them much attention as I was aware they were there to observe me.  What is there to see really?  Nor did I react when they tried to initiate conversation or a response from me.

Is that all the puzzle pieces?

It goes so much faster in my head.

There is a picture of me that my mother swore I was holding a man’s (teenager) hand when I was not.

I did not then nor have I lied about this.

Paul…something.

As a church group we stayed at a cabin with no plumbing.  Not a good experience for me.  Not merely because of the plumbing.  It was a one-bedroom cabin, a small kitchen, with one other room.  There was probably nearly twenty or more of us, so it was more than crowded and cramped.

At the end, they took a photo.  I placed my hands at my sides with my thumb on the seam on my denim.

Just awkwardly posing for a photo after a not entirely pleasant experience.

In the photo, it appears as though he and I are holding hands when we were only close to each other.  Not even close enough to hold hands.

Paul did like me, I probably should have let him marry me.  As I believe he had ideas for he and I because then I would not be here like this.

I want my life back.

Are you a big thinker or a small thinker?

Do you know?

I think big.  Bigger than I can facilitate of my own means.

Here is an example, when I cook, when I’ve cooked in the past, I cook enough to feed a firehouse.  It is just how it is.

Cooking for one person on a budget is not cost-effective either.

Sure, you can cook for one person however if you need to keep to a budget you will be eating the same meal over and over again for days.  Brain – switch off.

Isn’t that what your brain does when it is not fed variety?

Mine does.

My mind is galaxies and miles and miles down the road, then I hear something.

Huh?

What?

Back to a different state of mind.

They use trucks, you know.  As mobile listening devices to me, I can hear it the din of the inside of a truck and vehicle when they speak or are listening.  It’s noisy.  Of course, I want to switch off my brain after so much noise.

Bigger than big.  Bigger than huge.

Fill in the details as I go or another time, I think big.

Driving home from work this morning as I was merging into traffic, there is a man trying to get my attention.

I am in no fucking mood man!  Get the fuck out of my way!  I am in no mood.  I am fucking pissed as hell.  Get out of my way.  Blue pick-up truck, I understand you want me to look at you, but I am in no mood.  I am mad as hell!

Trying to calm down, I don’t know how that is going to happen, I see a name that reminds me of one of my first boyfriends in grade school.  Greg Latimer, was his name Greg?  Latimer is correct.  Greg (Greg was Lambert’s name before I adopted him) was it?  He asked me to be his girlfriend.  I remember walking around the schoolyard holding hands.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.  He kissed me.  He held my hand.

One afternoon, I returned home and was headed back out the door to play with Latimer when my mother stopped me telling me to brush my hair.  I thought, he already likes me why should I brush my hair?

I brushed my hair.

It’s important.  Taking care of yourself, speaks volumes.  It is not a definition of a person.  It merely speaks volumes.

There was another couple, I forget the girl’s name.  However, the boy was Jeffrey Stur…something…Sturbridge?  Something like that.  He had the oddest way of rubbing his nose.  Take your hand turn it into a fist with the thumb facing you and rub your nose up and down.  That is how he rubbed his nose.  Like he wanted it to fall off.  He rubbed his nose so vigorously and hard.

I remember looking at him thinking there must be a reason why he rubs his nose that way.

Looking at it now perhaps he had allergies or something of the like.

The four of us used to walk the playground together.

What I remember about Latimer was how short the time we were together.  He soon moved with his family to Salt Lake City.

Now, I did an unusual thing that I didn’t understand at the time, still don’t entirely.

I always see this stop when I look back at that time with him.  There was a stop, I didn’t understand.  I suggested that we should switch partners.  Very unusual for me.  It is brazened and hussy-like, so I don’t understand it.  It didn’t last very long, me with Jeffrey and Latimer with her.  It was a mistake.  We went back to being boyfriend and girlfriend, then he moved.

If you are wondering of the connection, I waited on Derek Hough at The Container Store.  He asked for help with a purchase of a blue zip organizer for his electric bills.  He used the word, cool.  I also saw him as he nearly hit me when I was at EPCOT.

If you are wondering about another connection, let me share.  As the Bluetooth and other means are fully aware.

Hollydale Elementary school in Gresham, Oregon was one of my favorite schools – I got to walk to school.  Best thing ever.  Even after Mt. St. Helens erupted and ash was still on ground inches thick for several weeks, I preferred to walk to school rather than ride the bus.  Because I could do it on my own.  Freedom.

It was a brand-new school as it was a brand-new suburb with an open classroom concept that I believe is not a bad idea.  We fourth, fifth, and sixth graders shared one classroom with different teachers.  The idea that the exposure to different ages would help facilitate better social interactions and developments.

One of my favorite science experiments in that school was growing corn because mine grew taller than anyone’s.  In a little paper cup my corn grew taller because everyday after class, during class, anytime I got to get away from class I went to my plant and talked to it.  It also gave me a chance to look out the window and enjoy the view.

One afternoon, all classes were being let out early to go watch Star Wars, so it was a more relaxed school day.  I did not get to watch Star Wars, I was sent out of class to wait in the hall where the teacher forgot all about having sent me out in the hall.

I was more entertaining than the teacher.  Imagine that, me, more entertaining than a middle-aged white male with a white man’s afro in the eighties was more entertaining?  Hardly a difficult task.

There is a puzzle piece here as Mr. Folstad drove a VW.  I have a vintage art poster of San Francisco with an orange VW bus.  See other writings and postings to make the connections.

On Sunday’s the church I went to, I forget the name, used Hollydale Elementary facilities for services.

So, I wonder if Latimer knew he was going to move and that is what prompted him to ask me to be his girlfriend?  I wonder if this is the stop I saw.  Or, if I was just inexperienced or young?

I wrote and wrote him for several months after he moved.

Then, stopped.

Not everything I see, not every person I see, not every piece of knowledge that I witness or have access to will I share on my blog.

Do not be dismayed.  Do not be discouraged.  Do not despair if you know I see and hear you and do not write about it – here.

Do you think that I would let harm come to anyone if I can prevent it?

If you believe so you are mistaken in every way possible.

If there was not a reason or purpose for privileged conversations, they would not exist.

Not every bit of information should be shared in real time, as it happens.

A wise person takes counsel from many people and many sources.

Just doing as your told.  Just kowtowing is not in everyone’s best interest, nor is it in mine.

Do you believe I would simply follow without other knowledge?

Or, are people doing as they are told to without knowledge of the reasoning behind it?

There are other stories and works being done here.

Life is not a rat race.

Life is not about a series of problems.

Life is about living.

So, please take a moment, take the time today or as soon as you are able and give of yourself in some way.  Perhaps it is just a gesture.  Not everything that has value and is worthwhile has monetary gain to it.

Take a moment for others, or for just one person.

You have no idea how it effects the entire world.

When I first brought home my three cats from the shelter, I was and am still grieving for my Thursie and Toots McGoots.  Thursday and Tuesday.

Sitting at my computer one day, Murphy, this orange and white cute guy of a cat.  Because Murphy is 100% guy.  G-U-Y.  He is all boy and has no problem whatsoever being cute or loving.  Jumped into my lap, curled up purring, and stayed there.

I wept.

Immediately.

I started weeping.

My mother.  How much my mother would have loved to have known a cat like Murphy.  It is what she wanted in a cat, a companion to keep her company.

Some know this story.  My mother had strokes for years.  Mini-strokes.  What was I to do?  I had to respect her wishes.  She didn’t always follow the doctor’s orders.

Once I called the police because she had gone driving, I have no idea how she was able to drive and drive back home.  Not a joke.  True story.  Her head…was, well…she was being protected I saw in her returning home.

When I saw the movie Matrix at the theater, I went because I was invited by a friend.  However, I was uneasy.  A social life is important, so I went.  I called my mother after the movie to check on her, she told me she was fine.  I didn’t believe her.  There was nothing else in her voice to tell me otherwise, I just did not believe her.

Driving home, I was – like a tightening in my lungs where I couldn’t expand my lungs to breathe, I was worried.  I didn’t know what to do.

I found my mother sitting down in the sun room looking out the sliding glass doors.  Her back was to me.  I was talking to her, it wasn’t until I walked in front of her that I saw the skin on the left side of her face had slid off.  Snowball was sitting next to her in the chair.  Curled up next to her because Snowball knew there was something wrong, she did what she could.  She stayed with my mother and didn’t move.

What to do?  How to react?  It was a mini-stroke.

I have not been able to forget the picture it created for me.

At first it looks peaceful.  Looking out the window at the scenery.  Sitting, enjoying the view.  It isn’t until I was able to face her that I saw the destruction and the killing.

I am fucking pissed as hell!

I want another job.

Do you know if I was able to be in the real world I could go to the police and file a report about persons, then I would be able to have a restraining order against them?  I could have them locked up.  Then, they would not be able to be apart of my life, my job, my employment, my electricity, internet, or have any information or contact with me.

This is what this life feels like.

Why is there not more outrage about me be subjected to a hands-only life?!

Why is there not more anger and upset that I am not allowed to have physical relationships with men?

I want another job!

Beyond fucking mad about having someone push in on my brain with “feelings” THAT I DO NOT SHARE!

Having persons being allowed to view and watch me naked THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHO IS WATCHING ME NOR DO I CONSENT IN ANY MANNER!

Knowing someone is putting something in my brain IS NOT THE SAME AS SHARING OR RECRIPRICATING THE FEELING OR EMOTION!!!!

I am fucking mad as hell!

I am not in love with anyone or like with anyone or ANY EXPERIENCE!!!

I am fucking pissed!

I want another job!

It will not now nor, will it ever be a woman that I want to sleep, have sex, or any other form of sexual relationship!

I have a right to decide who I want in my bed – IT WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

How many years do I have to live like this?!

How is this something that is allowed to happen?!

I was born straight!  Fuck off!

This is not discrimination!

I have a right to my own body!

So, for clarification there should never be anything but straight, single men with vision.

However, the glasses shouldn’t be there to begin with!!!

I shouldn’t be subjected to this life!

Can you imagine what it is like for me – it amounts to the same as RAPE!

The kitchen is still closed.

Frame your question correctly, you will get a better answer.

I want another job.