Author: You didn’t pull! You don’t understand! You do not own my accounts! Perceived control!

I am a Anglophile.  I am a Francophile.  I am a cinephile.  You cannot change a person’s taste and what they like.  And there is nothing wrong with liking, enjoying, or appreciating any of those things!

You don’t even play by your own rules!  Driving past Shoe Mountain is an automatic beard which is to say a man.  I shouldn’t even have to drive to Painted Turtle.  I choose the stop sign because I sick to death of entry into my home – DONE!

I have just begun to write about my experiences.

No means no!!!  How many years do I have to say no to that same midget!!!!  I dumped him for a reason.

That tire has no place in my life anymore.  I am not going back anymore!  I am not driving backwards anymore!

I am tired of having to change for everyone else!  I am tired of having to make concessions for everyone else!

I saw her face, I am a believer, I would never ask you to leave her even if I cried!!!  Stop stringing me along proclaiming love and marriage when I saw her face I know you are in love with her James Franco and I couldn’t be happier for you.  Now stay out of my life!

I saw you, David Wolfe making out with her in the waves at the beach.  I couldn’t be happier for you both now stay out of my life!  You have no idea what you are doing if you think for a moment I EVER fell for that short midget!!  I dumped him!  What a hideous thing to do to someone!  I will never be able to think, see, or feel the same about you ever again!!

You don’t even play by your own rules!

There is hardly any time left in a day when you work a 10 hour shift, or a 12 hour shift when you include my drive time as well.  Then, to come home to clean the litter box, take out the trash, vacuum the floor, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, do the dishes – oh yeah, did I eat yet?!

I cannot create when I am not comfortable.  I don’t know anyone who works that way.  Have you ever heard of the notion of nurturing talent?  Breaking a person down is hardly a motivator, nor is it any way to garner anything, really.

My mind is broken.  I have been over-used to such an extent my mind is quite literally broken, and my body is in constant pain as a means to cope.

My brain works, but my mind is not where it once was.

James Franco – I saw her and I turned off my air purifier/light because I did not want there to be any confusion.  I am not in love with you or even in like with you.  I want nothing to do with you.  I changed the light bulb because I saw her.  Congratulations, I am happy for you both.  Now, leave me alone, so I can be loved by a man who will actually show up in person to see me and not simply phone it in.  Leave me alone so that I am no longer used by a man who is only pretending an affair.  I deserve to be loved by a man who is not sharing me with other men.  I deserve to be protected by a man and not used as a device.

David – I don’t see it that way.  This I cannot get over, and you should have known that when you did it.

I cannot go back any longer to the way things have been produced, performed, and set-up.

I am not in love with any man.

I don’t have time for this anymore today.

Some of my favorite quotes I’ve come across over the years.

“We all flow from one fountain Soul.  All are expressions of one love.  God does not appear, and flow out, only from narrow chinks and round bored wells here and there in favored races and places, be He flows in grand undivided currents, shoreless and boundless over creeds and forms and all kinds of civilizations and peoples and beasts, saturating all and fountainizing all.”  – John Muir

After reading this sentence, I had to buy a John Muir book because I simply had to know more about a man who could write such a sentence.  How can a person take letters and words and turn it into something so beautiful – it is a stop the world moment for me. 

“Vulnerability is not weakness.  I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty, it fuels are daily lives…vulnerability is are most accurate measurement of courage.” -Brene Brown

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and that myth is profoundly dangerous.” – Brene Brown

“If you put shame in a petri dish it needs three things to grown exponentially secrecy, silence, and judgement.” – Brene Brown

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” – Brene Brown

…to be vulnerable to let ourselves be seen, to be honest… – Brene Brown

“But it’s time someone spoke up and paid whatever price is asked for the privilege of speaking.” – Peyton Place

Man in the Arena speech – Theodore Roosevelt

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” – Thoreau

“A great man is always willing to be little.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson “

“In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends…our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have been silent and patient in these last few years expecting the set-up I am living in and with to end on its own and allow me to regain control over my own life – to rejoin the human race once again.  However, I cannot stand aside any longer believing that someone else knows me better than me, knows what I want better than me, or can express my feelings and emotions, thoughts, dreams and desires better than me.  So, I will not keep secret what has happened and is happening to me any longer.

I cried myself sick at work today.  Emotionally spent, and I had just started my shift.  The check-list of work I have to do every day – that is not of my own choosing – grows longer every day.  I missed a turn.  My mind on auto-pilot as I was trying to see everything, remember everything, do everything.  Concentrating on one turn and I lost another in the process which ruined my whole shift.

I want to be around people.  I want to be able to look at people again and not have to worry about the color of their clothes, what signal and sign they are doing, etc.

I don’t have time for this today.  I don’t have time on any day I punch in for work.

Over two hundred dollars this paycheck.  I had to spend more than two hundred dollars this paycheck that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  People planning and playing games with my time and my paycheck.  Making me believe I had to see a movie, I had to go to a certain theater, I had to buy take-out food – from more than one restaurant.  Oh, and by the way the food from the second stop tasted as though someone had gone to the grocery store.  I could have done better.  Planning on ways to make me have my garage door serviced again, the gas, etc.  Over two hundred dollars?!  That is a lot of money for anyone.

I am tired of it.  I am tired of having to live this way.  I do not choose this life on my own.  I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

Making me believe people or a person can lay claim to a certain street, and if I go to a certain gas station, or exit from a gas station on a certain side then a certain team, or story line has control over my life?!

I’m fucking sick of it!

There isn’t any reason I shouldn’t be able to find and have a job that I can actually live off of?!

G-13 is no longer on my vehicle!  What a dumb waste of time!

What a waste of money!  If I got to choose, I would be saving money.  I would be living better.

I am so sick of this depression that makes me want to hurt myself just for relief.  And, guess what there is nothing anyone can do about it.  There is no fail-safe measures that could stop me from causing harm to myself.

Hey God, can you do me a favor?

Can you please stop sending men to me who pretend to claim professions of love for me, then show up to introduce their wives to me.  What do they actually expect I will respond with in return?!

Listen up!  I am happy to walk away from you warring two keeping me in the past that I let go of – gladly – years ago.  Not that anyone else would actually believe that since you do not allow me to be me, or have control over my own life.

And you wonder why I don’t want anything to do with either of you?!

Both of you are selfish.

I once said in referrence to how the South tried and fought so hard to keep slavery naming excuse after excuse and believing it to be the only way to live.

~ You cannot stop progress, you can only delay it for a while. ~

For history proved the great sin of slavery, the myth of its importance, and its worthlessness to the economy.  With the shackles removed, life began for every person.

You’ll see.

 

 

I have this theory – boys need kisses.  My dream of being able to have children has been sewn up since 2012.  Some dreams never come true no matter how the heart breaks for them.  So, I apply this to my kitty cats who could never replace real children I might have been able to have.

Boys are already hard-wired – as we are all hard-wired from birth or before – with rough, tough, and I-don’t-need-any-body-stuff.  They believe that is all they need in life.  They believe they are complete until you give them kisses.  Boys need kisses and kisses, and smooches, and I-am-sick-to-death-of-you-mom-kissing-me, so that they can learn the meaning of joy.

If I had children I would teach them sign language starting as babies.  I believe it to be beneficial in the development of their brain.

But, I don’t.

Boys need kisses, and kisses, and kisses, and kisses, and kisses, and kisses.

Boys need to know the meaning of joy.

You know, reality shows only last for a few months, not for years.  When there is a problem or a concern the talent is able to go behind the faux walls and speak with the producers.  They are also able to leave the show.

But, more than that they go into with full knowledge of a begin and end date, what to expect, what is expected of them, oh, yes, and they seek it to begin with.

I am not fooled by either you, David, or you, James.  Neither one of you have any concept of the meaning of love.  I do not wish or want to be a part of either of your families.  My family was lost that day at the dentist.  That was the last day my mother was real and not an actor in disguise.

I want to know how my mother died, when she died, and when she was buried because it was not the way you claimed or said it to be.

I believe some child of a man-boy thought he had a crush on me, and both David and James thought they could use him.  When all I wanted was to get away from David.  I have been trying to get away from David.  When you called me delusional, David for being able to see you and know you were following me and having me followed, I wanted nothing more than to get away from you.  I want to move away so you could not drive by my house anymore, or walk by my house, or have people tell you what I was doing in my life.  If I had a choice I would never choose you again.  You have no idea the damage you have done and caused me.  I am glad you are happy.  Please, let me go.  Allow me to be happy.  Forget I ever made you laugh once, so I can be happy again.

James Franco: I am not crazy or delusional.  I want nothing to do with you ever.  I am not now nor have I ever been the slightest bit in love or like with you.  You have taken away my whole life.  Years of my life when I could have been happy, had a real man who I was attracted to in my life – you, have taken from me.  You belong in your world.  I do not belong nor do I want to be apart of your world – ever!  You do not know the meaning of the word – love.  When you love someone you let them go, you allow them to be happy at the risk of your own heart-break.  I am not fooled by you.  There is not a single person in this world who loves the way I love.  I will never love you, nor will I ever want you.

My head is heavy from watching Schindler’s List.  I remember when I saw it in the theater.  I did not want to see Schindler’s List when it came out.  When you’ve witnessed something, had a trauma, or taken part of an event so gruesome some people choose not to go back to it.  You place it neatly behind, fold all the corners, and place it out of view.  Four years after my visit to Dachau, I had still not been able to wrap my brain around what had taken place between me and God at the concentration camp, in the town, and on the journey.

I believe it was a long time past the general release of the film when I saw it playing at a matinée.  I remembered the movie in detail, however what I recall is the run-down theater.  The kind that have spent too many days in complete darkness with no fresh air to fill it with life.  Too much soda pop and popcorn neglected and forgotten.  Because if no one shine a light on it, then who can see what has fallen.  I saw it not in the grand cineplex’s of today, but what had once been an idea of a big theater which was only one more than a few theaters, tucked away in a quasi-strip mall with a costume shop in the corner.  It struck me at the time for I wondered how a costume shop stayed in business all year when Halloween only happened once a year.

For me the very end of the film, seeing the real people who survived, inspired, and lived meant more to me than the whole movie.  When it is real, so real that words would only dilute the depth of the emotion, then it is something more than a film.  A truth has been captured that cannot be erased, forgotten, or perverted.

Twenty some years later and it still fills me with a heavy head.

I want the walls to come down.  Denying something happened does not mean it did not happen.  Denying something is wrong, does not mean something is not wrong.  I want wine and a bubble bath, I want to be able to live my life without control, being told, or directed how to live my own life, what to purchase, what to buy, where to walk, where to drive.  I want a man who does not wear a disguise, or uses body paint to love me for who I am, and for real without an ear piece, or a voice in his head telling him what to say, and how to touch me.

I want my womanhood back.

She has been neglected so long, I am uncertain if it will ever come back.