Author: endthefalselife

Day 1,560.

I am not eating.  Have whatever you would like to eat.

Tired of cleaning.  In my mind I am letting someone else clean, tired of the task, and tasks.

I am sick with upset and sadness because how many years must I live like this?  Without a man, living with me, taking care of me, sharing a life with me?

I feel like a prisoner and nothing more.  When I have done nothing wrong.

There is no reason, none, for me to live all alone like this for all these years.  There is no reason I have been made to live alone for decades.

I am angry with upset.

How many more years?

How many more years must I be alone?

This woman cannot live alone her whole life, she never has wanted to.

This woman cannot live in her head all alone – only.

Sick to death of being made to swallow for no reason.

Barney, best gentleman of a cat lived to be 21.

I don’t know how many years I must say this, it doesn’t work in my head alone.  Never has.  Never will.

Day 1,559.

When I was work, I was thinking to myself, if you thought about it there could be a lot of ways to celebrate the party moment I wrote about a few days again.

If you thought about it – it could be a charity event.  It could be an expensive plate per person dinner with the proceeds going to a charity in celebration of the party moment.  Or, any cost charity event celebrating a party moment.  Raising money for others as a party.

If you thought about it could be a local event.  Perhaps the local library needs to be refurbished, added on to, updated.  Perhaps one of the schools need a new gym, or permanent structures added, or help with a program.  Where the community could gather perhaps at the location and funds could go to the local need as a party moment.

If you thought about it perhaps a neighbor is in need, or a family, or a local park or pool, a hospital, or clinic, or road clean-up, or anything.  Where neighbors and the community could gather helping one another in celebration of a moment.  If you thought about it the possibilities are endless.

If you thought about it – it could become a worldwide movement of a moment.

What if around the world instead of crimes, killings, problems and tragedies it was reported, word was spread of how the smallest of locations, towns, villages, and biggest of cities took time away from their lives and gave of themselves, their time, their energy to have a party moment?

What would happen if around the world the news became stories of parties?  With a question mark at the end of each asking, now what will you do?

What if it became an annual movement?

What if it became an International holiday?

What would happen if countries adopted a party moment?

What if it became a humanitarian day?

What if countries adopted a humanitarian day to celebrate?  Where people gave of themselves in some way, but it didn’t end with the event it ends asking the next person to take responsibility and action.

What would happen?

What would happen to the world?

Well, it was just a thought.

If you didn’t feel that, here’s how it feels to me.  I enter the cosmos, beyond the atmosphere, thinking of possibilities, then return to my body.  Usually with a heaviness of mind, a slight thud, and sadness because of my life, then go about my way.

Because how it feels and the only way I see it anymore as I am just as much a prisoner as the ones before my eyes.

Otherwise, I would be allowed to live my life in obscurity the way I want.

Put it in perspective, my perspective, I have lived for six years isolated from the rest of the world.  Denied friendships, my pets, my family, boyfriends, and men.

I am sick with upset.

Devastated.

There was no reason for them to place in my body what they did.

None.

I am just heart-breakingly sick.

It is just as easy to exclude you as it is to include you.

I have yet to meet the man that…

If you are wondering, you are correct.  It would have bothered me so much I would have wanted to work it out.  However, what you may not know is that my job is not the best thinking place.  I imagine you knew that.  You expected me to go home and think it through.

My life is not a Hollywood movie – it takes the time it takes.

Someone was pushing for an answer on Sunday.  You receive it on Friday instead.

I am correct.

You know I am.

Perhaps, I will think on it.

Now, why did you do what you did to my beer?

Pizza?!

Based on a conversation I had with a friend after seeing the movie Forest Gump, I have a theory.  Because I disagreed with my friend about the role and importance of intelligence and IQ as being the only determining measure for success in life.

I am not the smartest person in the world, yet the supernatural is real.  God is real.  Angels are real.  There are powers unseen at work in the world.  I know this to be true.  A person can do and be something extraordinary it is not required that they are the most intelligent.

That first car accident had help or it never would have happened to me.

Not everything has to be spelled out in black and white to be understood and spoken.

How Amazon long have worked you for.

Day 1,558

The word master and master class has been turned into something other than the truth.  When a person achieves something beyond the classroom or training they are then in a class all their own.  It is not the same as a person controlling them.

So, tired of thinking at this point.

My imaginary night is over, where I only imagined eating food because I am on a diet trying to take off this fake weight.  Perhaps I will go on the cabbage soup diet also.  Still working on getting rid of unwanted weight and fat.

It seemed to be a nice jog, although I will only be able to run in my mind.

Have whatever you want, I need my scale to go down, down, down.

I had such plans for this place when I moved here, how I was going to decorate, create a dining room with storage because this place is set-up as a microwave-meals only facility rather than an actual kitchen.  I no longer have bar stools, or dining room chairs, etc.

It is hard to live in a place where everything must be covered up.  Life, imagination ceases to find me.

And, I miss my home where I had sky lights and was surrounded by light.

You have a serious problem in that I have worked very hard to no longer believe.  It is very difficult any more to believe that I did what I did and that I can do what I did and more.  You could merely be creating a reality based on what I say in my head rather than it being actually being true.  You could also simply be telling me in my head as it happens making me believe it to be true.  So how I can believe, trust, and want to help anymore?

There is no place whatsoever for competing managers at my workplace or elsewhere in my life.

Working backward and forwards at the same time.  You continue to work as though the choices of my vehicle are more important than me.  You continue to work as though the route I take in my car is more important than work I do at work.  You continue to work as though the route I drive will be the same as the day before, isn’t that why there was so much traffic on Tuesday.  You believed I was still going to road test on my way home.  Rather than waiting until I drove home.  You are working backwards and forwards at the same time.  Constantly putting me at a disadvantage.

For instance, when I see people or hear them you associate them to a purchase or a movie or some other choice.  Rather than the other way around.  It devalues people to a point of sale.  Not to mention taking away my ability to choose whatever I want.

How many times must I say this does not work.  If something is not understood by me then it is not working.

What is half of 10 anyways?

I cannot follow the marriage story line because it is dishonest.  I am not married.  I have not been asked to be married and accepted.

I believe my computer had been hacked, so when I viewed certain friend’s photos or Facebook or anything, the other person was creating a falsehood and storyline.  I do not believe any member of the Wolfe family believed me to be gay that is how that played out.

The only way the sports jug storyline can make any sense is if someone wanted me to pretend I was married to Tim Wolfe – that cannot be true, nor could I ever want to pretend that to be true.

Or, he would have purposefully taken photos placed them on-line for me to view, then waiting a decade or so…no, it doesn’t make sense other than someone else hacked my computer.

This would mean the Wolfe family allowed the storyline to happen.  This I cannot understand.

Here it is 4:29 am, I am still drinking coffee and from the looks of it I will not be able to get all my maintenance done before going to work because I am in such a deficit.

I want to work a day shift again.  I want to work Monday through Friday or Thursday again.  I want to make more money, so I can afford to keep a house the way that I am used to.  I want to work for The Container Store again, so I can be surrounded by beautiful things.  I want to work for a clothing store again, so I can have nice clothes again.

I have a list a mile long of things I need.  I am barely making it here.

I deserve to have full disclosure before making a decision.  I deserve to know who is on the other side before I decide, make a decision, or believe in anything.  There are certain things that cannot happen.  That I would not allow to happen.  I deserve the right to choose.

These are extremely high-level, complex, and intense levels of work and people, yet you play me as though I am merely a tool without the ability to form strategy, policies, or decisions.

You cannot have it both ways.

So, why would I want to help or continue to believe in things?

I am done speaking here.  I am done writing here.