There is something special about Glory, isn’t there?

It is more than the famous Denzel Washington scene.

I always attributed it to the director, Edward Zwick creating an environment on set that carried over to the screen.  Creating an environment of every actor, production staff, and crew working for the greater good that would be the film.

The score is fantastic.

It is amazing that there ever was a time when we warred against ourselves, and disbelieved in each other.

Glory is a great and classic film.

I have been working on several different blog posts and writings over these last couple of days, however my mind is fried, I am spent, and I am tired.  I feel the need to spend a month in my pajama’s sleeping and not on a schedule, taking naps while reading books at the beach which is something I used to be able to do – read, go to the beach, and read while at the beach.  This house has taken away my reading.  Every time I try to start a new book, this house, this Bluetooth take over, losing my journey of discovering literary truths.

So, I am taking a break.

I miss being able to be around people.  I miss being able to feed people.  I miss being able to feed men.  For there is nothing like the appreciation of a man’s full belly.

Several meals I have been thinking about – I will share breakfast and a dinner.

Breakfast – I was thinking about thick-sliced white bead, buttered and griddled or pan-fried, topped with egg (cooked however you like), going for turkey ham fairly thin-sliced and seared, a good slice of sharp Vermont white cheddar, broiled until the cheese melts, and drizzled over it all a white wine honey mustard.  A great mug of cappuccino to go with it.

Dinner – Since I did an extensive dinner previously, I was going for something more casual.  I make delicious hot wings or boneless buffalo chicken.  So, I was thinking of a great green salad with a light oil dressing, tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, and olives.  My hot-sauced boneless chicken.  Probably chicken tenderloins sliced and seared before being coated in sauce.  I’d have to cook this to see if chicken breasts boiled then pan seared would be better.  I would bake a great crusty white bread.  Salad in one dish.  The chicken and bread on another.  Butter and oil for the bread, you chose how you want to eat the bread, with the chicken and salad, buttered, or eat the bread alone and dip it.  Served with a great light casual beer.  Nothing heavy.  Light, fun, casual, easy, and conversational.

Now, dessert would be my Super cookies.  Palm-sized (my palm) cookies.  These Super cookies have everything in them, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, M&M’s, and walnuts.  I would make homemade Macadamia nut ice cream.  Fresh Macadamia nuts nothing rancid or stale.  Topped with homemade caramel sauce.  I don’t think it needs anything else, no whipped cream or cherry, or anything typical.  Espresso, coffee, or cappuccino to go with it.

I am not sure I write it the way I see it in my head.  I was hoping for a casual, fun evening.

Does that sound like fun?

You buy it, I’ll make it for you!

What must it say to a man that a young woman, at a time when email was still fairly new, not everyone had an email address, chooses an email atypical from the bubble gum generic email everyone else had?

What must it say that a young woman researches, goes through name books, only to choose a Russian family name that by definition means without fear, unwavering faith?

For when I read that name, and the names meaning – without fear, unwavering faith – I thought to myself, well, that’s about right.  Please do not address that comment as such.  I went out of my way to find a name with meaning not only to me, but to others.

What must it say to a man when a young woman’s voice does not match her body?

I know what it says to me.

What does it say to you?

Anything?

Not everyone goes out of their way to work as hard as I do.  There is nothing wrong with that either.

Captain American Underpants – Fire Him!

Baby Vader – Fire Him!

Female Father – Fire Her!

Envision – Fire Them All!

Orange Tire – Fire Them Both!

Bi-lingual – Fire It Forever!!

The Marriage Proposal – Fire It!!!

Edison – Fire and Kill Him!

David Kahit Wolfe – Fire Him!

James Franco – Fire Him!

You lying deceiving manipulators creating an environment of terrible-ness, of untruths, of years of fingers, of sex that I never agreed to, of never allowing my words to be spoken and heard.

NO MEANS NO!

How do I get rid of you David Wolfe, for the rest of my life?!

You will never be able to repair the harm you have done to me because of this house, because of Edison, because I’ve had to work for you!

I believe with all my heart that what I saw at the hospital and on the street was nothing more than a fabrication from you and your friends.

I no longer believe it was an Angel.

Do you know David, you never made me laugh – ever.

I want to be rid of you.

I am going through real trauma, real pain, real hurt, and what do I get in return?!  The lights on IN MY HOME THAT I DID NOT LEAVE ON!  HAIRS IN MY SINK!!!

THIS IS NOT FUNNY TO ME!

I will never watch Grand Tour again!  The only way that ACTUALLY works is if I walk in the green door which I did not!

I am out of options as far as the Post Office, I cannot go to Lakeland because it is either Watson Clinic or One Blood both of which are heavy and cause damage.  I cannot go to Plant City because it goes by Winn-Dixie which is HEAVY.  I cannot go to Riverview because it is not functioning.  I cannot got to Brandon because of smile wright.

I would rather die than have to see you again David.  I will never get gas there again.

You are on my list of worst people I know.

You are the worst employer I’ve had to work for.

I cannot forgive you for exposing my most painful stories.

How dare you!

I can’t go to a doctor because a doctor will be played by an actor?!  How dare you!!!  This is not acting on my part!  I am truthfully hurting and struggling emotionally!  What do I get?!  Pressure washing!  Heavy food!  Heavy soap!  Heavy sheets!  Heavy clothing!

I want to be rid of you David Wolfe for the rest of my life!

I will never feel the same way I once did about you ever again!

Take your eyes off of me, so I can mourn.

I am mourning.

I am mourning not only for all the loved ones, family members, friends, and animals you have killed and taken from me, I am mourning for the losses of what will never be.

I am mourning the loss of never again being able to bear children.

I am mourning the loss of my mother.

I am mourning the loss of never being able to say good-bye to her.

I am mourning the loss of all the friends I used to have because I was a good friend and people liked me.

I am mourning the loss of a sex life I will never again be able to have.  With that surgery you took away feeling, sensitivity, and the ability to be fully penetrated.  Sewn so tight it is nearly all together closed.  You took away the natural slide in and out.  It was one of the biggest reasons I lost weight, sent my mother to a nursing home, and went back to who I was before.

Our lives should never have intersected, I wouldn’t be here if they had.

Leave me alone, I am mourning.

Plus, the food control should be punished and locked away – they are a disgrace to their sex.

You will never understand me.  You might be able to see events that affected my life, but you will never understand me.

I am mourning.

Why send me there?

Why send me back to a place, to a man when in light of everything that has happened I will never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never allow it again.

Guinness is one of my favorite beers.

You want to believe I am choosing a man when I purchase something.  So, I will say this again, in case you didn’t fucking hear me the first time.  Regardless of what I purchase, it will NEVER be for David Wolfe again.

Can we please give this gay marriage situation a rest!

How many more years of the same thing is it going to take before someone and something finally corrects and changes this problem?!  What never was, will never be.  Regardless of how hard you try.

Kindness and tolerance for human beings – this is me, and always has been.  I will say no more.

Be sure you notice what it not being written in this post.

I believe I have proven I will never allow my dating life to go public again.  For, I never agreed for it to be public to begin with.  You will never be able to take away, or heal the humiliation, and  damage caused by placing me to be viewed by men and probably women, for your critique, enjoyment, and assessment.

You have doomed me to a life of dying alone.

So, I walk up to a bar an order a Guinness, for myself.  I said what I said at the bar, for myself.  It is best you understand the difference.  Because I know the difference.  What moments in the past that were real, were real, and happened to me.  Those two men moments were real to me, and nothing else.

It is a huge difference.

I need this unbelievable fake love story to end.

I never willingly speak to David Wolfe ever again.

Do you have any idea what it is like to go to work after having slept with Edison, to help a customer who goes off in the middle of normal dialogue into a story of having dolls and how they made her feel icky and dirty?!  What the fuck?!  Do you have any idea what it is like to wait on customers for months who speak to me that way?!

You have doomed me to die alone.

Send me to a gas station because the name Wolfe’s Produce is on a sign, I am only doing what I am told, and nothing more.

How many more people, animals, and family members are you going to kill in my life for your enjoyment and entertainment?

You need to understand, I do not believe anything I watch at a movie theater – it is Just A Movie.

You need to understand that doing what I am told to do, and believing in something/someone are two very different things.  A flaw in your logic in creating this, placing your definitions, meanings, theories, and guidelines above my own personal beliefs.

You need to understand I do not believe in the fake family story.  I am simply doing what I am told to do.

I am so over showing my work to teacher: I have a painting hanging on my wall of a child wearing a blue dress hugging what appears to be her mother.  This is not an important painting to me.  I have simply had it as long as I can remember.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I am not interested in looking like Jennifer Lawrence.

I am only interested in looking like Cherith Gjestland.

This is several days behind in my schedule, however I am only one person.  No one quite understands the strain upon my brain, nor the damage the eyeglasses do, have done, and continue to do.  Those eye glasses are fucking killing me, man.

If you are tired of eating from vending machines, convenience stores, fast food, snacks and junk food, and enjoy real food – keep reading.

This series is for all those persons – like me – who are unable to be with loved ones, friends, or family.  Since, I am unable to have a real relationship with a man, I have to imagine what it would be like for me to finally have a real man in my life, who would love me so much he would want to make me his wife – not his ghost, not someone who lives in the ceiling, for the rest of my life.

Doomed to live apart from the rest of the entire world – we’ll see how long they can keep me alive this way – I’m imagining a date night when it happens in a marriage where you have to reconnect with each other.  Where you have to remind each other why you married each other to begin with.

A man should be so lucky to have me as his wife for the rest of his life.  He and the world would never be the same again.  Love is very powerful.

My love is a very powerful thing.

The disgracing shame is no man has ever been able to have my love.  Not yet.  Not all of it.  I’ve loved men, but it has never been taking the vows love.

So, this is a date night I’m imagining where you better take a nap, for I believe it has been well documented, I will keep you up all night.  Well, that is the person I used to be anyway.

So, this is an evening starting off slow, talking and reconnecting.  Remembering the parts you see in each other, the parts only shared between the two of you.

This is an example.  If I were allowed to have a man in my life it would just be he and I, and are choices might be different.

Starter: Thin slices of red apple served with thin slices of Gjetost, cashews for some crunch, plated.  Also, I woke up with some disagreement in my head.  So, perhaps there would also be another starter of, thin sliced salmon on a – this is very hard for me as I do not have access to good food, information, or the rest of the world, so there might be a better way to write this, I just want to be exact and descriptive – hearty almost dark or rye bread-like cracker, chive cream cheese and capers, and chopped garlic, pan cooked in an oven with butter and seasoning until its toasted, sprinkled on top.  Served with a slightly dry, nice white wine.

There is nothing like Gjetost cheese.  If you have never had this goat milk cheese before, you are missing a lot.  I grew up on food like this.  Simple, good food, like pomegranates – something else I am not allowed to have again – this life has taken it from me.  Gjetost paired with red apple tastes like a caramel apple.  It is not the same caramel apple that you get at a circus or carnival event.  It is not the over-sugared, high fructose corn syrup, vats and vats of caramel-like flavored goo you can get anywhere.  It tastes like a caramel apple without being overly sugared.  It still has a sweetness, but it does not over-power the palate.

Dinner: Braised beef tips cooked in a burgundy wine with mirepoix, parsnips, chopped fennel, you could add mushrooms, I am not partial, simmered for hours until the meat is falling apart.  Served over mashed potatoes, oven-cooked in a mold with a slight indentation in the middle to allow for more stew, so the mashed potato is slightly crisped and stands up, and not mushy like mashed potatoes.  Topped with a dollop of finishing butter just before serving.  A rich, deep, complex red wine to drink.

Dessert: Now, I haven’t thought of the exact best dessert to go with this meal, but I have made this before.  Unfortunately, for me I posted it on Facebook, and it was discussed at The Container Store.  I have made sweet, cherry pie, homemade, from scratch before – it is so, so good.  Served with homemade vanilla ice cream with real vanilla, not the alcohol flavor-like quality you get at the store – the real stuff.  Perhaps, a cappuccino, followed by more wine afterwards, and for the rest of the night.

Who’s hungry?

Your rules, you do not follow yourself.

I purposefully chose red which means – CLOSED.  Yet, still I find upon my return home that someone has placed goo all over my scale.  Taking close to a half an hour to clean off.

I purposeful chose the orange tire because it means – Do Not Enter.  Yet, still I find someone has entered my home without permission, authority, damaging my home. Continue reading “How Dare You”