When Cherith Ain’t Happy

Ain’t nobody happy.

The saying is a little different, yet the meaning here is still the same.

And, I ain’t happy.  Not for a long time now.

If you had any idea how much the Bluetooth – a generic name – is able to steal from me before I can lay down the law about the wrongdoings, illegal entries, illegal procurements of documents, emails, text messages, thoughts, copyright infringements, not to mention the priceless value of years of a person’s life, you would be outraged.

Any entry into my home other than me – is illegal.

There should not be another person in the WORLD who has a copy of my home or car key.  End of discussion.

Ain’t nothing but a thing, chicken wing.  This was my response to Beth Hart.  I felt it said a great deal about her.  She is casual, approachable, and unencumbered with formalities.

Not much different was my response to Joe Bonamassa.  He, like Gary Oldman, looked a bit like, is this really gonna work?  There is not much to say when I am packing.

I, of course, am at a loss as to why this is such a big deal to everyone.

I know I sing my fool head off on my phone and in my home to unplug my head.  I let out when it feels good.  Haven’t you ever felt so much you just had to let it out?  Same thing.

I am not proud of my singing.  I do it because I want to and because I believe I can.  However, if I was any good, I wouldn’t be where I am.

Before anyone starts to get any notions about why I did not order pizza from Papa John’s after the visit from part of the Goo Goo Dolls and crew family?  As other people are fully aware the last time I was at a Goo Goo Dolls concert at City Walk, Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, I felt literally green around the gills.

You know, in the movies where – I think there is one in Raiders of The Lost Ark – where the character (Harrison Ford) walks away from the camera and debris and dust form clouds falling away as he walks.  This is how I felt.

There were clove cigarettes, cherry cigarettes, tobacco cigarettes, all different flavors of cigarettes, and green smoke.  Or, pot.  It was a puff, puff, pass…WTF?!  I don’t think so.  I was so not interested.

My memory of the concert is tainted by the smoke.  I barely remember anything else.

Laws have changed since then.

I was going to include this in another piece I wrote while a good man was present, however my Coffee and Breakfast pieces are at a stand still as I am fucking pissed.

Florida was the last state to amend its state constitution allowing women the right to vote.  Can you believe that?  I can.  Guess when this great state decided that perhaps women were smart enough to think on their own and deserved the right to vote?  Any guesses?

1971.

You gotta be fucking kidding me?!

I’m sorry, say again?!  When did The United States amend the constitution allowing women to vote?

Anyone know?

1920, The Nineteenth Amendment.

Please, can you tell me why it took so long to amend the state constitution?  This is not, I repeat, not merely about women being allowed to vote.  This makes me angry, and I bring this point up – constantly – because this is about a mindset.

A mentality that is allowed to continue after votes have been counted, marches have been waged, protests have happened, and history has been made on television.

Why is such a mindset allowed to continue?

Why has such a mindset been allowed to continue?

Yes, they changed the constitution – finally.

But, it is not enough.

The acceptance of behaviors and attitudes in our culture must never allow for ignorance, bigotry, and small-minded-ness.

Ever.

Are we, or are we not the greatest country, this United States?

I believe we are.

As long as we believe we all are.

June 16, 2018

On my drive the other day, I saw a woman who had cancer although doing well.  To me it seemed, I said I would have to do research to give a better answer.  It was as if her systems, organs were not working as they should.

One lending itself to the other.  If you look at a highway system from the sky, you see the cars going up and down and around, moving systems.  Flowing.  This is how it should be.  Something is creating a problem.

Someone asked me if I thought she should go on a fast, I said no.  It could upset her system.  Not everything is the same.  I am also, not a doctor or a medical practitioner.  I saw her husband, who loves her, very much.

An African-American woman aware of what she is capable of, married to a man who was smart to marry her.

Then, there was the horse.  Riding along in the trailer, saying, I have no idea why we are going for a ride.  I was just fine, then they told me to go in the trailer and here I am.  This horse likes his or her home.  A good-natured horse, easily managed, not too picky.

I heard there was a bit of a disagreement in the barn.

Something or some horse just needs to be changed.  Then, whichever horse it is would say, Now, was that so difficult?

The Cost of Being Me

I reserve the right to take a day off or two.

Do you know I have been working these last two days for ten or more hours on writing – for free.  Because they have required it as part of my $12/hr paying job.

For free.

So, if I am fucking pissed and mad as hell all the time.  It doesn’t take much to correct problems.

If you are not a part of the solution, then you are a part of the problem.

No more problems.  No more mind games and tricks.

I want my life back.

Either it is real, or it is not.  I do not need anyone in my head to tell me how to think.

I am fucking pissed about my hair.  I am simply a great deal more gracious than you have ever giving me credit for.

What this “teaches” me, what they “tell” me with idiocies such as my hair – is that the events of April 24, 2018 were not real.  They made it up in my head.  The reason why no other news agency told the story.  However, what they did to me.  What they did to my body, head, and mind was real.

I am fucking pissed.  I want another job.  I want my life back.

I am not a superhero, I am barely managing to live off of the pay I receive.

The cost for me to be able to receive groceries and supplies = $179.00 a year.  Just to be able to receive food.

Then, every purchase has a fee added to it equaling over $4 an order or transaction typically.  If you round that up to $5 every time and I order or make 2 orders or transactions in a week that = $520/year.

Just so that I am able to get food.  I am not allowed or have any other means to eat or receive food otherwise.

$699 a year just to be able to eat.

Any other person would be able to cut that cost by being able to go to the store and shop in the most economical way possible.  I am not allowed to do that.

So, when it is demanded of me that in addition to all of that I ALREADY DO, I have to spend every day WRITING FOR FREE.

I am mad as hell.

It amounts to be barely earring minimum wage, and pretty nearly me paying my employer to work there.

Any wonder why I want another job?  To be financially on my own?

It’s extortion.

I want my life back.

Chris Hemsworth, is this is real name?  CH, this is my sign name if anyone is unaware.  I am uncertain as to why anyone would want me to believe that another actor portrayed something I really did.

Anymore it seems only a copy of a movie rather than an actual event.  So, I am mad that this has happened to me.

If it was actually real – the mickey mouse games, for lack of a better word and term would go away and there would only be a single, goal, mission, and purpose.

Or, better yet – just give me my fucking life back!

Give me a real job and give me my life back!

The Hunter’s Prayer

This was originally on my board and in my mind as part of a bigger story.  However, too many events, too many pushing jobs, on top on jobs, on top of jobs has made that story disappear.

When I worked at WORSHIP, I carpooled with Keith Scott.  He also rode with me on the way to visit my brother in the hospital.

Keith Scott and his wife had one car.  She was a nurse.  I believe they have three children.  I don’t exactly remember.  This was 1992 and 1993.

They were a nice family.  The wife was overly sweet, I am sure she still is.  Someone who has had it hard and knows the value of a kindness.

What I remember is how hard it was on Keith Scott to accept a ride from me.  Being a man and not being able to be the man he wanted to be and thought God wanted him to be.

Shame has a way of sitting on you.  I saw it on him.  It takes something away from you that you cannot deceive others with.

This late afternoon, I had picked up Keith Scott from his home and we started off to work.  I stopped for gas.  Across the street was an old house of less than a few hundred square feet with no windows that “sold” produce.  I have no idea what kind of a person buys food or produce from a house that looked like that one.

I started to go to the pump to pump gas when – DANGER – NOW!

I looked around quickly and told Keith we needed to go inside.  This was out of my norm for me.

What I felt was an awareness that there was a black man and a white woman together and something was going to be done.

The closest explanation I can give is that it felt like an attack.  It felt physical to me.  It felt like immediate danger.

I was not going to let that happen to Keith.

When I pumped the gas, I will not share what I did to create security and protection for us.  I did it.  Not just for he and I, or our families.  It was done for all of mankind.

I doubt he ever knew there was a threat.

When I saw his son the other day, I swear he looks just like him.  All grown-up and doing well.  Then, I see an argument and disagreement between parents and child in my head.  This child that is now a man deserves to be on a better path to life because he is capable.

He is the baby of the family.  His family – every one of them – so loves him.  I am not certain if he has allowed that to fill his heart and resonate there.

Knowing you are loved in your head and knowing you are loved in your heart are two different things.

Do you want to know why this is titled The Hunter’s Prayer?

So, do I.

Because I believe I saw the reason just the other day.

Bleeding Ears

If you are wondering, I have had to place my Russian diamond earrings in my jewelry box where they will remain because they have been replaced with earrings that literally make my ears bleed – dripping blood.

This however, does not in any way change the fact that Russia/Disney experience where speaking to a man who was pretending to go on vacation sharing his pretend story about adopting two Russian children to get a reaction out of me, so he could read me was Not A Problem.

I simply knew that whatever he was “doing” was not a bad thing or harmful.

It is a specific instance.  It has a specific meaning to me.  It cannot be shared readily.

Please, do not get your feelings hurt if I say NAP is not the same every time.  I reserve the right to be specific.

I reserve the right to want to be able to move at my fucking job!  I will not apologize for wanting to wear a belt so that my pants don’t fall off my fucking ass!

Quit being a small thinker and get out of your own ass and out of mine!

Fucking pissed!

I want another job!

I want my life back!

The reason for the turn at the church has nothing to do with the church sign.  The reason for the church is to keep pedophiles behind bars and away from children and adults.

Patrick Melrose = PM = Prime Minister.

Gresham, Oregon

Gresham, Oregon, when I lived there was one of the neatest little towns.  Being able to walk to school, being able to ride my bike around town, being able to have a downtown that you can walk around and find something you cannot find in a gigantic-mega store.

There is a park in Gresham I used to go to all the time.  Either by bike, or car.  It was a great park that had a creek through it.  I used to take my shoes off and walk the bank, jump the bank, and try and catch things like crawdads.  I was never successful at that.  But, it was fresh water.

There was a downtown area that had a Rexall’s Drug with a soda fountain that you could order an ice cream at.  It was the neatest thing to me to sit there at the bar and get an ice cream.

Funny memory, it is the first place I remember seeing condoms and rubbers to buy.

The downtown area had all kinds of small stores – you know, small businesses that are the backbone of our economy – dress shops with clothes you couldn’t get at a brand store, a gourmet shop that had cooking classes and items that were few in quantity, a card shop full of stickers, it was the eighties collecting stickers was a popular thing to do.

The best movie theater I have ever been to.  The ceiling was painted with stars, there was a neon clock on the wall, and the lights were never off, but dimmed so if the movie was ever dull, you could look up and see the stars.

You could see movies in the summer for $1.

So many movies I saw there it would take me too long to write them all out.  It was an old-time theater full of character rather than new construction full of television screens.

When we moved there it was so far behind the times from where we had lived I wanted to leave as soon as we moved there.

However, there were wild strawberries and blackberries that would grow on the side of the road.

Oregon, has mountains, desert, or ocean within three or four hours in whichever direction you go.  So, there was always an opportunity to find a new adventure and land.

Downtown Portland was about an hour or so of a drive where you could find all kinds of great stores, art galleries, weekend markets, Powell’s Bookstore, schools, all kinds of neat niches.

Where else in the world do you think there is a Gresham?

I’ll let you figure that out on your own.

We had neighbors behind us that I did not realize until they visited us in Florida that they were a mixed-race married couple.  I just saw him as a tall man with curly hair and nothing more.  He is light-skinned – yet, still.

People were just accepted based on them being people – nothing else.

What else is there?

Robert Frost: May 30, 2018 – edited

May 30, 2018

Robert Frost,

STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME!

STOP CONTROLLING ME!

I and my face find you disgusting.

Stop using the President and the Presidency!  I find it revolting to see you use the President of The United States as a game piece!

You are disgusting!

Stop pretending!

Stop pretending there are any sincere or real feelings!

Relationships do not WORK in this manner!

I don’t know how many years I must keep saying the same thing.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP PERSONAL OR ROMANTIC WITHOUT ACTUALLY BEING THERE!

You simply cannot phone in a body.

If this is a working relationship you should be fired.  You are a terrible leader, manager, or go to person.

There is no structure, no set definitions or guidelines.

Please, stop pretending you care or are interested.

You stole my eyeliner sharpener.

Why would I ever find you attractive again.

The way a man treats a woman says a great deal about himself and his character.

All you have shown me is that you are incapable of great feeling and feelings.  That you are unable and do not see me as worthwhile, attractive or desirable.

I find you gross.

I don’t believe any of these news stories.  Probably about 97 or 98% of what I read is not real and nothing more than misleading.  That is a huge margin to shift through.

You continue as if you do not realize I am extraordinary.

My head is in the clouds thinking above you.  I am not on the ground sifting through the rubbish –  this is how you make me feel.

My mind is meant for other things other than your game.

Stop telling me what to wear!

Stop telling me how to dress!

Stop telling what I like and don’t like!

It takes a small man of mind and spirit to impersonate and use the office of the Presidency as a game, as a means of control!

To go back to the day where I saw the woman driving a trailer of horses wearing a hat, I thought she looked like friends of the woman who was in the picture at the White House with the man wearing the glasses, she wore a grey dress.  She is a genuine friend to her.  How nice that must be to have real friends.  I wouldn’t know anymore.  Genuine.

2:31pm – If this is Wednesday, and it is, then it is worse than I thought.  I am in worse condition than I thought.

Why do you not allow me to get better?

You constantly hinder me. 2:32 pm

2:56pm – What I do not understand if the events of 4/24/2018 were not real at all and only a simulation why go to all the work of bringing down people from the White House?

Greatly distressed. 2:57pm

7:55pm – Self-harm.  Self-harm, dreaming of ways to hurt, maim and injure myself has happened – ONLY – since moving here.  It is a terrible side-effect of being listened to, plugged into my every thought and movements while in my own home.  Self-harm and thoughts of suicide.

It was Jared Leto in my head at work who told me I went too fast.  Faster than anyone could keep up with.

What else was I supposed to do?

I’ve lost all heart.  I don’t have the same desire anymore.

So, disgusted with this brown-eyed man at the moment.

Of course, when I went to TCS I said I was an insomniac.  I never had a problem sleeping before, however YOU FAILED to realize the effect it would have on a person when they were living in a house that is alive.  It is not the same as a reality-show like Real World or Big Brother because THOSE people enter the house with the KNOWLEDGE of the camera’s and AGREE to live there.

I DID NO SUCH THING!  I HAVE NEVER AGREED TO LIVE THIS WAY!  I HAVE NO CHOICE!

Lambert loves the smell of lavender like it is cat-nip.  He goes goofy.

You know this needs to stop.  You know you need to end this soon.  It has been too many years like this already.

The movies that you had intended me to see and set me up for I am refusing to view on moral grounds.

8:21 pm.

9:00pm – Yeah, I used to baby-sit for a family who had a little boy named Trey when we lived in the apartments at Oldsmar.  Weird the memories your mind holds onto.  Why do I remember so much detail?  One time I – I never quite understood the relationship between that mother and father, husband and wife, I never understood why she was so stressed out unless her husband was not taking care of her the way he was supposed to or she needed him to – I was holding Trey, she was trying to give me his bottle (I don’t know why she did this) she stuck the bottle in my cleavage in a hurry and was off.  I never though anything of it.  Because I was so overweight.

This is also the time I went on the Bahamian Diet, went to the racquetball courts with my tennis racquet and balls and hit the balls until I felt better.

Once, when I was playing “tennis” – BTW, Andre Agassi was very popular then, I was watching tennis on the television – I worked myself so hard I threw up.  Then, went back to playing tennis.  I would get blisters, they would pop, and I would still play.

Did you know MWB was a driver for Michael Chang at the Davis Cup on Davis Island?  Am I never to be free of MWB?  Ever?!

This was always true and always the case when I baby-sat kids and kids and children in general.  They would reach for me over their own parent.  True.  True story.

I think I have a picture me picking up Trey while I was involved in the Living Stones.

Time and time again, the children would always reach for me to hold them and pick them up.

I am so sickened at having to live here.

I am so disgusted at having to live here and this life.

Am I to believe that David Wolfe was a set-up and nothing more?

Am I never to have a man of my own?!

Are you to constantly pretend to play match-maker?

Please stop lying to me.  My heart cannot take it anymore.

I am truly sickened by your lies brown-eyes. 9:12 pm.

9:15 pm – Why did this happen?  Is this because of David Wolfe or someone else?  I was told in my head some time after I adopted these three cats that “they” did not like animals in the bedroom or on the bed, so I had to close the door when I went to sleep.  I never did this before.  I always felt it was important in my relationship with my animals to belong to me.  This is how animals think, cats live in dens, they need to smell like their owners to know they belong it is a bonding thing and experience that was taken away from me because of a voice in my head or whoever was in my home at that time.

How does this happen to a person?  How did this happen to me?  Why is it that married men are allowed to play pretend with me in my own home against my will?!

Sickened and saddened again as I feel I have been passed around from man to man to man like a plastic vagina and nothing more.

9:21 pm.

9:40pm – Is that Monique Mantha’s (maiden name) mother in the picture with Barack Obama?

The photo of the contractor Security (I don’t know what else to call him) in the dark green shirt, glasses and beard looked to me like the photo was taken without his knowledge as he was walking the grounds.  IDKW I say that, but it is how it looked to me.

So sad.  You have no idea, nor is there anything you can do or in your power to make me feel better.

You would have to end this charade once and for all.

9:43 pm.

10:00pm – Odd, I don’t know what makes me say this.  I have nothing to base this off of other than a instinct, gut feeling, unless there is something else in this house or how you stage the news that makes me believe this.  Is that Will from Disney that I used to work with in a police officer uniform and badly tinted face?  I used to call his partner Grandpa because he was so much older than Will.  I never understood Will.  He was often times, partial to lying, telling untrue stories that felt like the was trying to divert me.

I do not understand this ABC, Roseanne Barr show story other than I do not feel it is wise to see Infinity War or go to the movies.

You have no idea how sad I am.  How unhappy.  How sick and tired of cleaning I am.

10:05 pm.

11:40 pm – How can you not understand this from my point of view?!  You are too hard and too rough on me.  So, the time in question was soon after my bankruptcy hearing.  It was in the day-time, how can you not understand I need more than my own hands?!

You used David’s name, although I knew it was not David.

I will not apologize for saying in my head what I need and needed to say in order to keep people from messing about in my head.

This section has been removed because it was not written concisely enough.  So, I removed it – permanently.  

So, I will not apologize for saying what I needed to say in my head to keep people out of my head.

Now, I am made to believe that…that the brown-eyed special conversation man I saw on the side of the road is the man that was looking with the glasses in my bed after the bankruptcy hearing.  If this is true, I would like to have been able to say yes.  Rather than have it done to me.  I do not believe that is unreasonable.  I do not believe it was him – ever.

It is not the same on one side alone.

I do not get to experience his skin, his touch, hold him in my eyes.

BTW, I never had that experience with Edison.  There was no connection or connecting.  None.

How can you not see how overwhelmed I am in my circumstances, my losses, my grief, years of my life taken from me?!

The truth is I have no idea who was on the other side of the glass until someone finally admits it.

Do you not actually see and know that I am not happy, have not laughed or smiled in years since 2013?!

I feel I am not a fit anymore for human companionship because of these years, this house, and the experiences I had to live through here.

I am not certain if I am made to believe that the brown-eyed man is pretending to be Trump or if that is who I want it to be?

If Trump is being used as the brown-eyed special conversation man than I am embarrassed about myself, my body, and having to be seen in this way.

I do not understand why this has been done to me.

Why have I been segregated from the rest of the world?

There is no measure for my sadness.

12:29 am