Keep Your Nose Out Of My Black

When it comes to certain things I can be quite basic and simple.  I don’t like overly complicated designs and patterns.  A few years ago I was made aware of how I wore black more often than I wore colored t-shirts to work.  I have been living a tug-of-war that – how could I possibly explain it when I do not even understand it.

My life is simply well beyond my control of any means at all.

I have been taught to believe all things being black have caused such an unpleasant odor/sensation up my nose it has caused a reaction that is borderline hatred.  This reaction is born only out of defense of my own body to not be violated in such a way simply to get a reaction.

Besides when it comes to the color black it is more than a one dimensional color – black is all colors at one end of the spectrum.

For as long as I can remember when asked about my background, heritage, ethnicity, etc. I would respond, I am a darker shade of pale.  End of discussion.

I have been writing in my head for these last few days – well, not writing, blogging.  There is a difference.  I haven’t written anything in years.  The place I reside has everything to do with that.  However, I have been blogging, yet unable to make it to my computer and type because the demand of my time is so incredible.

Let me tell you a little about my growing up, then you might understand why I say I am a darker shade of pale.  For most of my life my father worked nights which gave him the excuse to be absent from my life – to be absent from our family.  Even when he did not work nights he was never around or there.

So, my mother had to be both mother and father.  This is not an uncommon scenario any longer.  It is all too common anymore.

My mom loved everyone.  And I mean everyone.  She loved people, getting to know people, talking to people, helping people, learning about people, sharing stories with people, and so on.  This was never more evident than after her strokes robbed her of her brains ability and function.

Growing up my mom told me stories of her and my father visiting friends in Watts.  The way she told the story I understood it was years later in her life that she understood they could have been in danger in that part of town.  How the Cash’s went to the window when they were inside and gave a signal.  So, that the neighborhood understood the white couple was ok.

Driving down a road my mother asked my dad to pull over because there was a cross, so somewhere there might be church happening.  Only to understand that what they drove into was not the church of love and forgiveness, but the kind that condemns and kills with hooded sheets.  The fear that gripped my mother was still on her face so many years later telling the story.

A nurse would walk into the room, my mom would respond.  She wouldn’t wait for them to check her vitals, or whatever nurse duty they might have needed to do she would start telling them about The Cash’s and all their children telling the nurse all their names, what they did for a living.  Or, she would tell them about the de la Pena’s, and their children.  Sometimes she would start sharing a specialness she believed about them.

Because even a stroke couldn’t take away her wanting to share the gift of friendship.  She was saying – I see you beyond the flesh – beyond the uniform, or hairstyle, or any color whatsoever.  Just to tell them hello, and you’re ok.  To connect with them.

It was extremely intense conversation.  Most people did not understand her at that point.  What most people heard was an older woman who had a stroke, who didn’t speak in compound sentences.  So, I diffused the conversation with the translation.  There were few exceptions where people understood.

However, it was intense speech, talk, and conversation.  Because who starts talking to a complete stranger saying, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you with deep sadness, strength of conviction, and determination?  It was the one she said most often to people.  Who starts a conversation that way?  Who can expect to hear such a thing from a stranger?  Who can respond back to such unyielding, unselfish speak?  From the first moment you meet someone? Even as I pushed her in wheelchair through a store she would respond to someone that way.

So much of that life has gone from me in these last few years.

I wish I had never moved here.  I wish I was still taking care of her,  I placed her in a nursing home because I had become very concerned for my own health being so much heavier then, than I am now.  Yet, had I died of a heart attack while taking care of her I would have died so much happier than if I died today.

I believed my life would start and I would be able to begin living, doing all the things I wished I could not but was not able to do while taking care of her.  My life is still on hold.  My life is even more out of my control than while I took care of her.

Plus, the shame, humiliation, and degradation I’ve been forced to live through in these last several years, I will never heal from.  Not a single soul understands or cares.  It’s unimaginable.

 

Fake Starbucks

What do you do when you believed in a man, trusted a man, fought for a man, and it turns out he is the source of every dream that now lays in ruins, and damaged beyond repair?!

What do you do when that has happened more than once or twice?!

I have no desire to go back to living to where I was before.  Just as I have no desire to have returned here once I left.

When I moved here…I should not have.

It is not that one location was better than the other.  It is simply this – living here and living this experience – this falsified Starbucks life has been so terrible there is no way to completely describe it.

No one can understand what it feels like to lose the plasticity of your mind and brain power.  It is an exhaustion that I can only describe as aging well beyond my years – more like decades beyond my years.

I honestly see no way to continue in this manner.

To Set The Song Straight

A little while ago someone tried to get me to believe in pursuing the life of a superhero as a role to play.

As if that could ever be a possibility?!

My first reaction – utter bullshit!

I would love to say that I enjoy being right, however I do not – not like this.

Here’s why: I shouldn’t have to keep proving this shit to begin with!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I wasn’t fooled for a minute.  No judgement.

I will say this – Thank God Ryan Reynolds and TJ were funny, or the whole movie would have been a loss.

To say again – I got nothing from them.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this: It only works one way with me.

You tap into a person’s brain through a receiver in a tooth – trust me, it is possible.

SO TIRED OF SECRETS AND DUMB FUCKING GAMES

Mind fuck a person, deceive them, try to alter their hard-wired-God-designed-nature and all you will find is that it is not possible to change what is already hard-wired.

I worked for Disney a while ago, and what I enjoyed about it was getting the phone calls from people who needed extra care.  The people who had special needs children or adults, or make-a-wish last journeys, or ADA rooms.  Being able to tell those people not only did I understand in part the extra effort they had to put forward into their life, I was going to make sure their journey would be taken care of.  So, they didn’t have to have any extra worry or effort during their stay.

The second time I worked for Disney, it couldn’t possibly have changed any more drastically.  It was the worst experience in my life.  I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy!

I have never been so tortured, mentally abused, physically assaulted, hurt and damaged, and wronged.

It is an experience to forgive, but never forget.

You know, for a moment I almost believed in it James.  However, it is only a movie after all.  A movie is not the same as real life.

Good-bye.  Please accept my resignation, James Franco.

I shouldn’t have to keep proving this, I shouldn’t have my thoughts tapped into, I shouldn’t have to live this way.  No one would be able to live this way.

I need a tooth extraction!

Over Puzzles

People change.  It can happen.

Of course, people are hard-wired from birth, however people can change.

I used to believe I wanted to act, or direct, or anything in the industry – it is just something I’ve done for many years now.  After, working at a store that viewpoint seems to have change permanently.

Being taught the degradation and abuse I would have to endure in order to participate or be involved with a movie, or television, or a role has proven too much for me.  It has crossed a line I cannot follow.  Proving to me it is not for me.  I mean, if you are more interested in killing yourself than being creative there is something wrong with the picture.

I had one of the worst days today at work.  Unable to continue the way my life has been controlled or manipulated since working for that store.

I feel I am stuck in a maze I can’t escape.

Who would want to continue playing that game?!

Not an actress – got it.

 

You Need To Let Me Go

Both of you need to let me go.

It feels as if teams are trying to tear me apart.  Asking me to choose sides.

I am asking that both men let me go.

Yes, you both have your own life.  Please let me go.

No longer can I live this way.  If you ever thought I could you were mistaken.

Let me go.

Let me live.

The only way I know how to live is without either if you.

Both of you think it is ok and acceptable to speak without saying.  To have others speak for you.

I cannot live like that anymore.

It has been too long.

I am too tired.

I am too close to death to believe anymore.

Let me go.

 

Some Things Have Gone On For Too Long

Being led by a carrot, for years now, dangling the possibility of a man who wants me…and it has been too long.

Too much supposed fantasy that I am supposed to believe.

You have both left me alone for too long now.

From the day D left my life to go to FSU my world has never been the same.  I have missed him – everyday.  I am so happy for him.  I am so happy he has love and success in his life.

Who I am is different when I am around him.  He opens up a part of me just being near me.

I walked into a Starbucks one day and as soon as my eyes looked up, I swear I saw him.  It was just as natural as breathing, I started to walk over to him to say hello to an old friend.  But, as soon as I got within feet of him a wall shut down in front of me as I was reminded of the last time we communicated.  He told me I was crazy and delusional for knowing it was him on the street near my home.

See, I just wanted to know if he wanted to talk to me since he was so clearly aware of where I was and trying to see me.  But, when I confronted him he decided to deny it.  So, I went along with it and apologized for intruding on his life.

But, he kept reappearing.  Driving by on his motorcycle or in cars, I saw him all the time.  I knew it was him and I didn’t say anything until it became too much.  Then, I would contact him.  Did you want to talk?

Nothing.  Ever.  So, I stopped.

I learned he didn’t want to talk to me.  See, he could have told me he was happily married, and I would have been surprised but happy for him.  He was a friend before anything else.

I look back at a picture I have of us.  It was a cast photo and D bent down to have his face next to mine, and I instinctively grabbed his face and literally squealed with glee.  The best to me is not only the over-abundant joy and happiness his bending toward me had, but the look on other people’s faces in the picture.  As they are almost relieved with happiness.

D has meant the world to me.  At times when I have felt so absolutely alone, and abandoned it was his name and the thought of him that was whispered to me, comforted me.

But, I am tired of pretending.  I am tired of playing along.

J, I don’t believe you anymore.

You also have left me alone for too long.  Trying to make me believe in you while keeping me alone and unhappy while you got to carry on with your life – free as a bird.

Please, do me a favor and leave me alone.

I am happy for you.  I am happy for all the times I spoken with you and known you.

Go live your life.

I am a million miles away from you.  Our worlds will never align.  I mean it, please go.  Because I cannot continue to live like this.

God bless, please be happy without me.  As I know, you will be.

You see, I have just been left alone for too long now.

Left alone and surrounded by women.  No wonder I am miserable.