Brain Mush


I don’t know how else to get this message across other than addressing it to you.

Do you even have any concept of how tired I am.

They have over-used my brain.  They have over-used the access to my brain.  They have over-used the blue tooth, so now my brain feels mushy all the time.

All these years – wasted.  I am so tired of watching movies all the time.  I am so tired of sitting and watching while I could have had a real life.  I could have learned another language by now, learned the piano, among the many other things I wanted to do.  Instead of spending all these years driving nowhere and getting nowhere.

There isn’t any reason why I didn’t the job as Sales Trainer at The Container Store.  There isn’t any reason why I didn’t even get an interview for management jobs and positions.  I have years and years of experience.

I shouldn’t have to be going through a bankruptcy because I should have a job that can actually pay me to stay alive.

Here is how the pattern goes:  I apply for other jobs because I don’t know how else to get the message through how unbearably miserable and grossly unhappy I am.  Then, with all the information from surveys and questions my interactions are fashioned and scripted from that information.  As if they should EVER be connected.

Do you know I have a memory of you walking out the door at The Container Store as Alfredo, you turned back to wave.  I could barely control how angry I was at you, angry for lying, angry for the deception, and angry because you truly do not care, or I wouldn’t be here like this.

Is it really someone else’s job to monitor if I’ve washed my duvet cover, or cleaned my cat box, or mopped the floor, or exercised, or showered, or bathed, or masturbated?!!  You actually pay someone to do that?!  You’re fucking joking?!  And, for how many years now?!

I removed you and James Franco and everyone else from my game for a reason.  I want to get away from you.  I want to move on from you.  How can you possibly expect me to even have feelings for you as a friend I once knew in college after you’ve deceived me for so many years?!

The only explanation I will ever believe when it comes to Edison is that you believed I needed help in dating, and thinking about other men as possibles.  When all I wanted to do was thank you for the time we spent in college.  Instead, you most severely shut the door in my face when you called me delusional.  Let alone all the times you’ve drugged me including the Harry and David wine I received for Thanksgiving.

I am sick of all the bad dreams and waking up to nightmares that are not of my own making.

Do you know I spent months writing to who I thought was Jeremy Renner.  Every one of my days off I was writing and writing and for what purpose?!  Only to find out it never went anywhere, and now you want me to write it all over again?!

You cannot model a person’s life after a Sims Game because in a Sims Game I can sell off a part of my house, or an appliance, and it doesn’t create a problem.  You cannot do that in real life.  Plus, I actually have feelings.  I cannot simply push a button commanding myself to mop the floor or take a shower WHEN I DON’T EVEN HAVE A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

I could care less that I spoke with Brad Pitt who was disguised as Tommy at The Home Depot talking about climbing the roof.  He said, he didn’t like having to climb the ladder which I know he was referring to the time – I believe it was in Louisiana – when I was led, funneled, corralled, steered into a park with a boat ramp and a water tower, and I climbed the water tower because I could.  However, I hadn’t eaten in days, nor had I showered or slept in days since I was sleeping in my car.  The stretched-out loafers I was wearing nearly fell off my feet with every rung.  So, not only did I have to grab the ladder with my arms, but I had to grip my shoes with my toes each step.  I thought I might pass out.  I was shaking when I got down only because of the physical stress and not because I was scared.  I still don’t know why I was sent to do any of those “things.”  It was a perfectly pleasant conversation with Brad Pitt which is just as I would have directed the conversation to be.  It wasn’t like the conversation with Jonah Hill who was jumping up and down inside begging me to guess.  And, I remember Brad Pitt knocking his wedding ring on the door frame.  I know this wedding speak is just a coded word for a job.  You would not believe how excited everyone got at Disney whenever they popped in my brain.  Again, jumping up and down, saying his name over and over again.  I mean, come on.

Nor, do I care when it was James Franco who shook my hand placing his right thumb first causing me to say, I hope I didn’t break your thumb.  And, I remember coming back here to this house after that terrible trip where I didn’t get to go to ANY of the places I wanted to visit, explore, or see – lying in bed because I was in such a dark place I was trying to reconnect to my former personable self when I started daydreaming and I ran my thumb over a beautiful man’s lower lip as I went to kiss him.  Nor, do I care that I was watching Spider-Man that night doing laundry when I connected or figured it out that – that Tommy was James Franco.  I was so indignant at being lied to again.

I do not care about seeing, speaking, or conversing with any of these actors, celebrities, or famous people.  I would rather have been there when my mother died.  I would rather have been at her real funeral.  These are short sentences, but I want you to know how deeply I feel them.

I will not be able to look at you in same way again because of it.

I was kept away from my family.  I was kept away from my mother as she was dying.  I was lied to about how and when she died, and you were and are apart of it.

This is what I told my brother about the Edison experience when I discovered you used a skin suit person to simulate sex with me back in 2014, I wrote it in many different forums, and I have repeated it many, many times.  I would rather have been beaten within an inch of my life, and left on the street for dead than to ever have to go through or have that experience.  Beating me to death, I could understand.  But, placing a skin suit faux person in my bed, I will never understand.  It is a horrible, horrible crime done to me.  Then, shortly after that you deny me access to visit my mother, be with her as she is dying, and then do not allow me to go to her real funeral.  All so, what?!  Some one could fake film it.

You have become forever changed in my eyes because of Edison, and what happened with my mother.

How does this happen?  How did you allow someone complete control over my life, my job, my finances, my love life, my emails, my mail, my food, the very air I breathe – and, there is NO OVERSIGHT, they are accountable to NO ONE?!

I am tired.  I am spent.  I have more work to do than I could ever finish.

I am tired of yelling at you.

I will never stop asking for my life back.

This should never have happened.  It should never happen to any person ever again.  There should never be another real company, but fake job – just like your Facebook posting of a faux Starbucks where people lined up for coffee.

I remember you on the phone David, as I was walking by going to Starbucks to get my coffee for lunch with you yelling, I hope you find what you’re looking for.

I remember you wearing a yellow shirt as I drove by Characters In Flight.

Please let me go.  Please let me be a real person again.

My Best Beauty Buys

So, I enjoy trying new beauty products and seeing the best version of me.  I am going to be starting another series of postings with sharing my opinions on the beauty products I purchase.  It is one way of keeping my products safe from alteration.

I do enjoy Sephora, it is nice doing business with companies that offer freebies as suggestions to encourage other products and so forth.  I purchased their monthly sample products and here is what I have tried so far.

Origins Clear Improvement – Not the best smell, bit it did tighten my skin and appear as though my pores were reduced.  However, it did nothing for the unnatural bags that appear under my eyes.  If you ever see me with bags under my eyes it is not naturally occurring to me.  Someone else is to blame.  Either Origins could do better on their product or someone else is to blame.

Burberry fragrance – Fragrance has become someone else’s issue in my life.  However, this is not a bad smell.  It smells feminine which is better than I have smelled in quite some time.  It is not overpowering.  It’s nice.

Sephora Lip Luxury – Yuck!  Waxy feeling when I applied this.  Not worth trying a second time.  Threw it away!

Just A Note

Just a note before I go,

It seems we don’t know how to end a day without arguing, I know now why that is.

The time apart and separated from you cuts to the core of my soul with such an unhappy and unpleasant emptiness I find myself lashing out trying to be nearer to you.

For I do not truly exist when you are not by my side.

If today – with grave cruelty – came to be my last, it is the heart of you I will hold onto, for it can never be extinguished.

How very grateful I am for every moment shared with you.  For the rest of the world is meaningless and pale while we are apart.

Til the end of time, back again, to the dawn of time.

I originally wrote this years ago – just in a moment.  It is not addressed to any man in particular.  It is more of a compilation of men in my life, or maybe a dream and wish of a man to share my life.

Girls Chase Boys: Nope, Not This Woman!

For breakfast, I want a flax-seed and whole wheat waffle, lightly buttered, drizzled with maple syrup the real kind that still tastes of the cool outdoors not the fake flavored and over sweetened kind, with fresh sliced strawberries and raspberries on top, a dollop of fresh whipped cream and dusted with cinnamon.  Cooked turkey bacon coated with maple syrup and fresh cracked pepper placed in the oven for a few minutes to get extra crispy.  Some ruby-red grapefruit juice and a bountiful pot of fresh brewed coffee served with cream and sugar.

But, I am sick – I wonder why I am sick, jealous bitches don’t know how to get along or be nice or play well together – so, I need fresh squeezed orange juice, buttered bread with sliced garlic then toasted, I need to eat that all day long stinking up the whole house so much vapors waft from the windows and doors, coffee to keep me going because all I want to do is rest my body, chicken soup, but just the stock – the real stock that hasn’t been sieved clear with buttered and salted matzo crackers, endless Emergen-C packets til my body sends me to the bathroom telling me I’ve gotten enough vitamin C, a hot mustard plaster on my chest and back, tei-fu oil filling my nose, and mugs and mugs of hot lemon and honey.

This girl does not chase boys.  This girl does not chase men.  This woman waits to be pursued by a worthy man willing to go out of his way for her.  This woman waits for the man to ask for her number, and to ask her out.  This woman wants to be courted, and have him take his time with her, and not rush her out the door to the next woman.  For when a man gets this woman’s love – my love, he will never be the same again.

Perhaps it is old-fashioned, but I prefer a man to be a man.



They Should All Be Fired: NOT ME!

Everyone involved in handling me, air-controlling me, pet training me, dog training me – SHOULD ALL BE FIRED IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!!

What I will be writing will be beyond scathing, so buckle up for I will not hold back.  As I am THE ONE telling the whole truth at the expense of my extreme embarrassment, pain, hurt, despair, and year of wasted tears!

I will not masturbate anymore.  I have gone celibate in part due to all the soap mishandling.  I will not discuss this any further today.

I bought a light because it was an air-purifier.  I was using it as a means to protect myself from the air-handling.  For I will no longer wear a mask, you will see what you have done to me.  You will see my pain.  You will see the person who used to be filled with light, happiness, love for all is forever gone.  I have turned that light off because what I received was a listening device inside the light.

So, let’s go all the way back to the beginning starting with the blue tooth or a device placed in my tooth to hear my thoughts which is used in conjunction with my wasted belly which is devoid of my reproductive parts.  The shame from that loss I will never fully be able to write or share.

Based on what evidence did someone have the right to follow me, place a device in my head and belly?  I never hurt anyone.  I never even looked at people inappropriately.  The worst thing I’ve done is occasionally look at children and wonder, how old would he be if he was still alive?  From the loss of losing a baby which I will not go into at this time.

I used to say that I do not drink when I am writing which allowed someone to distort this truth into something else.  It no longer holds true.  When I write – when I really write and not report on mishandling and abuse – I become completely absorbed as it should be.  It is the only way to get all the way down to that well of truth we hold with ourselves.

I want it to be known I was NOT choosing the tire on the back of the vehicle when I was driving the other day.  I simply choose NOT to wait behind a big truck just like every other logical-thinking person would do when driving.  And for no other reason.  You contrive these so-called victories that are not true or real.  Any person would move out-of-the-way if possible than to stay behind a larger vehicle.

I chose not to go to work at Hilton when I learned it was Casey behind the employment.  It wasn’t just the two-hour drive one way.  What logical, sane, reasonable person would drive four hours a day unless they were getting paid a huge salary which was not the case.  Also, I despised having to talk phone calls from Casey while working at Disney and being forced to swallow and have phlegm in my mouth and throat.  It is a terrible idea for a show!

David, I saw you at Starbucks.  I saw you walking into Starbucks and lightly tap your left hand on your right font pocket which has turned into this virtual-reality sign.  When you walked in I placed my water bottle on my right hip which is where I place my car keys – this is something I have been told/trained to do when I see someone make a sign to show you see them.  When I left I saw you standing in line with your legs spread apart.  I only walk that way because it is the safest way.

As far as gas goes today – it has become a moot point at this time.  I do not have time to go into what happened the last time I was at the gas station, so to be fair it is a moot point.  I have to keep the bluetooth from having an unfair advantage and possibly distorting the real truth as it happened to me and no one else.  Because you WILL work together.  You will stop competing with me, you will stop taking turns pulling me apart!  You will listen to me from now on!  You will stop this nonsense at once.  I do not have time to go into this any further.

David, I did not cross the street in Las Vegas when I saw the sunburned man holding a Dachshund because I want to move on from you.  I do not want to hear, or seem or be you friend, or anything ever again – so changed are my feelings for you.

I don’t feel good today, I wonder why that is?!

I will be writing an abolishment to all former rules – such as purple is supposed to be allergy-free.

Your brain cannot live and thrive outside of the skull which is what this is – which is what this whole isolation is making my brain live outside of its own skull.  Wasted years.

There should be a separation between home life and work life.  Husbands and wives shouldn’t always work together, friends, former lovers, etc. shouldn’t always work together.

Under no circumstances whatsoever should any person be allowed entry or entrance into my home regardless of the lock!!!!!!!!  EVER!!!!  This must stop at ONCE!!!  Once and for all!!!!

I am not done yet.

What The Hell Was That?

What the hell was that today?!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

How is it that I write the truth, I saw the truth, I SEE the truth and for this someone else GETS TO HAVE THE RIGHT TO PUNISH ME FOR IT BY KEEPING ME BROKE AND POOR, SICK AND TIRED, AND ENTIRELY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was at The Container Store and a person started talking about being part Spanish, I quickly talked about how I knew DAVID WOLFE went to Pamplona to run with the bulls because I wanted it to be clearly KNOWN it was DAVID WOLFE and no one else – and I don’t have to explain that any further.

I want to move on.  I want to move on from constantly talking and writing about David Wolfe .  I am tired of having to KEEP THE STORY STRAIGHT.  It is so dumb!  It is so beyond idiotic all of this which is why I REFUSE TO DRIVE AROUND IN CIRCLES ANYMORE!  I HAVE DESPISED IT FOR YEARS NOW!

Of course, it is ONLY men I have ever wanted to sleep with, have a relationship with, or spend the rest of my life with – I was born that way.  I should not have to prove that to anybody.  I should not have to prove that anymore.  I forgive myself for Edison because I was tricked, manipulated, and deceived.  I was not the one wearing a skin-suit.  I was not wearing a mask.  I was nothing but honest.  However, it altered everything and everyone involved – it changed how I felt and feel for everyone.  And, you know what, you just imagine what it might be like for a woman to have all her reproductive organs removed, her intestines, her bowels moved and scraped, stitched from the inside and outside, and then feel the same when having sex.

David Wolfe, I wrote a note before I left to try to leave Florida and you behind once and for all.  In the note I wrote how I must have the Obama virus for which I will never be cured.  I had no idea who or what the Obama virus was or is about.  The reason I wrote it – I wanted it known I was and still am unwilling to give up, or let those moments I had with you in college become perverted or degrading in any way.  What I have learned in these last several years is that some people are incapable of understanding, or knowing in any way what you and I had feels like.  It is a terrible shame for every person deserves love.  Every person deserves to have a soft place to land, a person who is the center to their whole, a person for whom the whole world disappears.

Make no mistake David, I had moments with you, but we never really dated, you never kissed me, we were barely friends.  So, I held those moments separately from a romantic love.

I deserve to have a man want me enough to keep me for the rest of his life, and I in turn want him to keep me for the rest of my life.  Love is never and can never be one-sided.  It never works if it only comes from one person.

I do not love you David.  I am not in love with you David.  I feel nothing for you anymore.

Skin should be soft.  A woman’s skin should be soft.  I am a woman.  I have never wanted to be a man in any way.  My skin should be soft.  Feet, armpits, crotch, and others should stay dry.

It is not a good sign when I cannot and do not open my blinds.  It is not an all clear sign.

Virginia, I have much admiration and respect for the persons I have seen.  He is special – that is how I saw him.  I don’t have any other understanding or comprehension beyond that, but he did stand out as special.  Higher Power – is very  interesting and there is much others learn from him.  Others want to call him Fatboy,  however that is not what I saw first.  The body sometimes is more of a condition rather than a container or vessel for the soul and mind.  I could list other Virginian’s but I have to go make money.  I do not deserve to live a life in isolation entirely alone without any friends or people, which is why I do not choose Virginia.

Method is for acting.  I am not acting, nor am I an actor.  What I have learned –  with the exception of feet-stomping, “my woman” (I want it understood this is in no way sexual or anything otherwise other than a term of endearment – “my woman” – Denzel Wasington) because even when they make me sick, have taken my sight from me, conspire to kill me in small and measured doses, stripped me of dignity, vanity, cleanliness, love, family, animals, and friendship I still have chosen his talent, ability, and that undefinable thing that can only be felt – is that actors are liars which is why I am not an actor.  Again, in case you did not read or hear it the first time, method is for acting and it has no place in a business.

However, from now on I will ONLY CHOOSE me.  I am number 1.  I choose me!

Now, I have no problem, or nervousness of any kind when talking to celebrities or rich and powerful persons I have been doing it long before 2012 and The Container Store.  I can’t even list all the people I spoke with while working at Disney, David Wolfe, James Franco, Kristin Wiig, and so on.  I have no problem because I always saw myself as an equal, as a peer, as someone who belonged there and had a place beyond my circumstance.  Since, then things have changed for me and I wish to never be a apart of that world – ever again!

Mind Tired

Let it be said, I was the one who painted Mt. Hood, I was the one who sketched a dog in middle school, I was the one who sketched the eagle while listening to Bill Gothard speak at Basic Youth Institute.

I would love to go to the movies every week, but I cannot afford the time away from resting.  No one seems to understand how mind tired I am.

What was the point of all this?  I will never speak positively about this experience EVER!

Your rules no longer apply to me as I see and understand them, since you do not even adhere to your own set of rules.  Regardless of what I do, you disobey own code of conduct.

I purchased ear plugs to protect my hearing, I am not throwing away that money just to prove another point!