Category: Uncategorized

I cried myself sick at work today.  Emotionally spent, and I had just started my shift.  The check-list of work I have to do every day – that is not of my own choosing – grows longer every day.  I missed a turn.  My mind on auto-pilot as I was trying to see everything, remember everything, do everything.  Concentrating on one turn and I lost another in the process which ruined my whole shift.

I want to be around people.  I want to be able to look at people again and not have to worry about the color of their clothes, what signal and sign they are doing, etc.

I don’t have time for this today.  I don’t have time on any day I punch in for work.

Over two hundred dollars this paycheck.  I had to spend more than two hundred dollars this paycheck that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  People planning and playing games with my time and my paycheck.  Making me believe I had to see a movie, I had to go to a certain theater, I had to buy take-out food – from more than one restaurant.  Oh, and by the way the food from the second stop tasted as though someone had gone to the grocery store.  I could have done better.  Planning on ways to make me have my garage door serviced again, the gas, etc.  Over two hundred dollars?!  That is a lot of money for anyone.

I am tired of it.  I am tired of having to live this way.  I do not choose this life on my own.  I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

Making me believe people or a person can lay claim to a certain street, and if I go to a certain gas station, or exit from a gas station on a certain side then a certain team, or story line has control over my life?!

I’m fucking sick of it!

There isn’t any reason I shouldn’t be able to find and have a job that I can actually live off of?!

G-13 is no longer on my vehicle!  What a dumb waste of time!

What a waste of money!  If I got to choose, I would be saving money.  I would be living better.

I am so sick of this depression that makes me want to hurt myself just for relief.  And, guess what there is nothing anyone can do about it.  There is no fail-safe measures that could stop me from causing harm to myself.

Hey God, can you do me a favor?

Can you please stop sending men to me who pretend to claim professions of love for me, then show up to introduce their wives to me.  What do they actually expect I will respond with in return?!

Listen up!  I am happy to walk away from you warring two keeping me in the past that I let go of – gladly – years ago.  Not that anyone else would actually believe that since you do not allow me to be me, or have control over my own life.

And you wonder why I don’t want anything to do with either of you?!

Both of you are selfish.

I once said in referrence to how the South tried and fought so hard to keep slavery naming excuse after excuse and believing it to be the only way to live.

~ You cannot stop progress, you can only delay it for a while. ~

For history proved the great sin of slavery, the myth of its importance, and its worthlessness to the economy.  With the shackles removed, life began for every person.

You’ll see.

 

 

I have this theory – boys need kisses.  My dream of being able to have children has been sewn up since 2012.  Some dreams never come true no matter how the heart breaks for them.  So, I apply this to my kitty cats who could never replace real children I might have been able to have.

Boys are already hard-wired – as we are all hard-wired from birth or before – with rough, tough, and I-don’t-need-any-body-stuff.  They believe that is all they need in life.  They believe they are complete until you give them kisses.  Boys need kisses and kisses, and smooches, and I-am-sick-to-death-of-you-mom-kissing-me, so that they can learn the meaning of joy.

If I had children I would teach them sign language starting as babies.  I believe it to be beneficial in the development of their brain.

But, I don’t.

Boys need kisses, and kisses, and kisses, and kisses, and kisses, and kisses.

Boys need to know the meaning of joy.

You know, reality shows only last for a few months, not for years.  When there is a problem or a concern the talent is able to go behind the faux walls and speak with the producers.  They are also able to leave the show.

But, more than that they go into with full knowledge of a begin and end date, what to expect, what is expected of them, oh, yes, and they seek it to begin with.

I am not fooled by either you, David, or you, James.  Neither one of you have any concept of the meaning of love.  I do not wish or want to be a part of either of your families.  My family was lost that day at the dentist.  That was the last day my mother was real and not an actor in disguise.

I want to know how my mother died, when she died, and when she was buried because it was not the way you claimed or said it to be.

I believe some child of a man-boy thought he had a crush on me, and both David and James thought they could use him.  When all I wanted was to get away from David.  I have been trying to get away from David.  When you called me delusional, David for being able to see you and know you were following me and having me followed, I wanted nothing more than to get away from you.  I want to move away so you could not drive by my house anymore, or walk by my house, or have people tell you what I was doing in my life.  If I had a choice I would never choose you again.  You have no idea the damage you have done and caused me.  I am glad you are happy.  Please, let me go.  Allow me to be happy.  Forget I ever made you laugh once, so I can be happy again.

James Franco: I am not crazy or delusional.  I want nothing to do with you ever.  I am not now nor have I ever been the slightest bit in love or like with you.  You have taken away my whole life.  Years of my life when I could have been happy, had a real man who I was attracted to in my life – you, have taken from me.  You belong in your world.  I do not belong nor do I want to be apart of your world – ever!  You do not know the meaning of the word – love.  When you love someone you let them go, you allow them to be happy at the risk of your own heart-break.  I am not fooled by you.  There is not a single person in this world who loves the way I love.  I will never love you, nor will I ever want you.

My head is heavy from watching Schindler’s List.  I remember when I saw it in the theater.  I did not want to see Schindler’s List when it came out.  When you’ve witnessed something, had a trauma, or taken part of an event so gruesome some people choose not to go back to it.  You place it neatly behind, fold all the corners, and place it out of view.  Four years after my visit to Dachau, I had still not been able to wrap my brain around what had taken place between me and God at the concentration camp, in the town, and on the journey.

I believe it was a long time past the general release of the film when I saw it playing at a matinée.  I remembered the movie in detail, however what I recall is the run-down theater.  The kind that have spent too many days in complete darkness with no fresh air to fill it with life.  Too much soda pop and popcorn neglected and forgotten.  Because if no one shine a light on it, then who can see what has fallen.  I saw it not in the grand cineplex’s of today, but what had once been an idea of a big theater which was only one more than a few theaters, tucked away in a quasi-strip mall with a costume shop in the corner.  It struck me at the time for I wondered how a costume shop stayed in business all year when Halloween only happened once a year.

For me the very end of the film, seeing the real people who survived, inspired, and lived meant more to me than the whole movie.  When it is real, so real that words would only dilute the depth of the emotion, then it is something more than a film.  A truth has been captured that cannot be erased, forgotten, or perverted.

Twenty some years later and it still fills me with a heavy head.

I want the walls to come down.  Denying something happened does not mean it did not happen.  Denying something is wrong, does not mean something is not wrong.  I want wine and a bubble bath, I want to be able to live my life without control, being told, or directed how to live my own life, what to purchase, what to buy, where to walk, where to drive.  I want a man who does not wear a disguise, or uses body paint to love me for who I am, and for real without an ear piece, or a voice in his head telling him what to say, and how to touch me.

I want my womanhood back.

She has been neglected so long, I am uncertain if it will ever come back.

Why should someone else get to tell me what kind of person I am?

Why should someone else get to tell me what kind of man I like, what kind of job and career I like and want, what kind of food I want and like, what kind of movies I like, what kind of detergent, clothes, soap, lotions, make-up, etc. why should and does someone else get to tell me what I like and want?!

I went on two trips back in 2015, I never got to stay at any of the hotels I wanted to stay at.  I wanted to stay at The Best Western in New Orleans, not because of the brand, or the color of the rooms, or the name of the street I wanted to stay their because I had not yet been to that part of New Orleans.  The same thing happened in Key West, I wanted to stay at The Key Lime Inn because it had a front porch, and I had yet to be familiar with that part of Key West.  Also, I wanted to stay at The Watershed in NC.  I was talked out of that one in so many ways.

How is that someone else got to be appointed over my hopes, desires, and wishes for my life?!

I don’t mean Debbie from the movie I just saw, Same Kind Of Different As Me.  I mean I am glad Debbie/Deborah who played the minister at my brother’s wedding, who maneuvered me into sitting on the opposite side of my brother at his wedding.  I am glad she is dead and gone.  I know my brother’s wedding is a complete sham.  They have never acted like a couple, and his husband appears to be a different man every time I see him.

I walked to my car tonight and someone had scratched a 2 at my rear tire on the pavement.  I mean really, I am still here like this?!!  I am still having to live this life of which side of my own garage I walk in and out from?!

I want to get away from you David.

Someone has altered my WEN so that my private parts no matter how much soap of water I use constantly feel sticky.  I have no idea how much you must despise a person to sink so low as to want to violate their genitals.  It’s disgusting.  It is inappropriate in the workplace.

A man who actually cares shows up in person.  He does not send a second or third-party.  He actually does it himself.

I am so disgusted by you David.  James Franco is an idiot whom I only met on a monorail once.  Oh yeah, and he donned a disguise and worked with me at The Container Store, but I do not know him.  I will never believe nor care for him in that way.  I am not so simple to believe any celebrity or famous person given my current condition could or does ever see me in that way.

Life is simply not worth living without love.  I cannot begin to imagine the cruelty a person must have to condemn a person to forced isolation and solitude for these many years.

How do I get to move on?  How do I get to have a life of my own?  I bought gas at that gas station because I did not have any other choice.  If I was able to choose on my own, I would choose differently.  But, I do not have control over my life anymore.  And, I am tired of every other person having power of me to tell me how and where to drive and park my car, etc.

You may think I am just tired from having to be up two days and nights in a row to get everything done I was unofficially assigned to do.  But, I never want to see you again David.  Things can never go back anymore.  I am so ashamed of any connection to you anymore.

My garage door has been so finicky I don’t feel comfortable leaving the interior lock .  Why should I not be allowed keyed access into my own home?  Why should anyone else be allowed keyed access into my home?

I am sick from sleep deprivation.

You make me sick David.

Have you ever been out running and seen Harrison Ford go driving by?  Hey, isn’t that Harrison Ford looking like he is enjoying himself?!

I am so emotionally and physically spent.

There is a drain on my body and what the human mind and brain can endure.  I’ve gone well beyond that.

I have a problem with my clothes dryer Ic an neither fix nor solve.  A load of towels takes more than 8 hours to dry.  Hours and hours and hours each load of laundry it takes to dry.  I’ve tried dryer balls, moving the dryer in case there was a kink in the vent, vacuuming the vent.  It is hopeless, and beyond my comprehension.

I love WEN.  I have never used anything that can compare to WEN.  After my first use, I never wanted to use another hair product again.  So, it is a painful betrayal when my favorite products are ruined and destroyed.

I don’t know how this happens.  Perhaps it is related to my job, but it has been the same since I moved into this house.  I come home from work and I find graffiti on my granite counter tops.  Pictures of hearts, winking eyes, and mouths open.  I hate them.

It feels like someone has put a hidden camera in my car and radio, so I cover them up with tape so I cannot be seen.  One time, I saw Vanessa Redgrave driving behind me.  I said, that looks like Vanessa Redgrave, then on the radio came a song about washing things clean.  I came home from work, and when I put my hands under the water they turned bright red and in pain.  It took lots of creams, disinfectants, and more than a week for them to look normal again.  But, I cannot forget what happened.  It is related to work or my job.  I don’t know how people or a person get access to my house.  I have changed the locks more times than I can count on my hands and toes.  I taped the locks, I’ve locked my refrigerator.

Recently, after I came home from work I took a sip of bottled water and instantly my belly filled with pain.  Burping, painful gas that lasted more than a day from just a sip.  There are more occurrences than I can name at this time.  But, I will be writing them here from now on so that it does not go quiet anymore.

My last WEN purchase was altered after I left for work, so that I am forced to wash my hair in the kitchen sink instead of in the shower.

Who wouldn’t want to look for a new job of that is the only conclusion I can come up with.  That is someone at my job must hate or despise me so that they try to ruin everything in my life.  Unless it is a neighbor who know when I leave for work.

Whatever the case may be, I do not laugh anymore because of it.

I will not turn on my radio anymore in my car because of what happened to my hands.  It is unforgivable.

WEN, Ole Henricksen, Liz Earle, Nutri-Metics, Neutrogena, CoverGirl, Smash Box, L’ Occitane, Ahava, Parissa, Evian water in a spray can, Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint soap, Garden Of Life these are just some of my favorite brands.  Based on the quality of the product, attention to detail, and value for the money.

I became an Apple person for life from my first purchase.  I purchased a shuffle, so many years ago.  When I opened the package, I fell in love.  I saw the detail, the time and consideration that went into the presentation.  I never looked back or to another product after that.

It is just how I am.