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This kitchen I have does not function.  It has no pantry that can hold anything more than a few things.  It is not designed with the ease of use.  There are odd corners, barely any storage, and not enough counter space.  Not to mention the lack of privacy.

I dream in food and of food anymore.

I miss my house.  I miss the house I spent twenty plus years in for a few reasons.  My brother said he was going to retire in that house.  My brother loves Florida, and has wanted to remain in Florida.  I am of a different opinion.  However, because my brother always said he wanted to retire in that I house I spent money on that house I never would have otherwise.  If it was going to remain in the family then, it was an investment I could live with.  Over the years, I probably spent more than $20,000. on improvements to that house.  There was a sunroom in the back that had windows on three sides, so when watching television you never felt shut out from the rest of the world.  You could take a moment to watch the birds, or the squirrels, the scenery was always in view.  There were skylights in that house.  There were windows all around, so there was light, and a view in every room, I had a fireplace, and a pool, built-in shelving in the pantry, hallway, bedrooms, and garage.  There was an attic that was accessible.

I had trees.  I planted a birch tree, and an almond tree.  We had a camphor tree, a grapefruit tree, a mandarin orange tree, a lemon, a kumquat, a loquat tree.  We had creeping fig, a root beer plant, and a dragon fruit plant.  Azalea’s all around, so there were colorful blooms nearly year round.  Plumbago, a china doll tree, juniper, crepe myrtle, creeping peanut, day lilies, gardenia’s, jasmine, pineapple, oak trees, an Angel’s trumpet plant, a dogwood tree, and a Golden Rain Tree.

We had multiple ponds with Koi fish.  One pond had a creek that trickled into a waterfall falling into another pond with a swing to sit by.  There were clusters of trees that we designed each section be different, so each one felt like an outdoor room with a bench or swing to sit.

Tons of wood decking to walk, or place chairs, and a built-in bench to sit.

We had honeysuckle – which is delicious to eat, gladioli, night-blooming cactus that we used to give people cuttings of because all you had to do was stick in the ground and it grew, so many different bulbs I can’t remember all the names and they were always a surprise when they would emerge from the ground.

I had birdhouses, and bird feeders, and birdbaths to be viewed by a window from inside the house.  So, there were endless blue jays or scrub jays, cardinals, morning doves, mockingbirds, titmice, squirrels, and finches.  I got to see a Mr. and a Mrs. Painted Bunting one winter which was the most beautiful sight I nearly screamed and dropped what I was holding in my hands.

I miss that house.  Mostly because I thought I needed to start a new life from that home, but this is not worth living.  It was not worth giving up what I invested especially since my brother always said he wanted to retire in that house.  It sat on a cul-de-sac higher than the other streets.

I miss my Thursday and Tuesday.  I miss my Fuzzy-One-Kenobi, my Pumpkin pie, my Senor Fluffy Pants, my Lambchop Legs, he was my Thursday. I miss Tuesday, Too-Too, Princess Too-Too.  They were not fat cats to me, they were my cats.  I stroller trained them, I leash trained them.  I feel I have been lied to, tricked and manipulated.  It is still more than a year and a half later and it is still hurtful and painful.  I have a Maurice The Handsome, a Lambert The Good, a Murphy The Magnificent, but I should still have my other two cats.  If only there was a man in my life half as good as some of the animals I’ve known.

It is beyond depression living with such loss.

So, I dream in food to stave the depression and thoughts of suicide.

I want breakfast for dinner, scrambled eggs and bacon, toast with butter and fresh jam, strawberry jam, blueberry jam, blackberry jam, orange marmalade, lemon curd, apple butter, honey butter, honey butter with cinnamon, omelets filled with vegetables and cheese, salsa or hot sauce or top, or fresh sliced tomatoes, pancakes with butter and syrup, french toast with sausage, swedish pancakes plain or with peanut butter and syrup, or filled with fruit, veggie-sausage and biscuits with gravy, fresh scones with currants or any other fruit made with cold butter so they have the right consistency, all served with fresh fruit, fresh brewed coffee or hot tea with sugar and cream – a must.

I make the best Dagwood sandwiches with potato chips in them piled high and not anything you find in a restaraunt.

I make the best salads with everything in them but the kitchen sink.  Lettuce, tomato, chick peas, cucumber, sprouts, cottage cheese, sunflower seeds, sesame crunchy sticks, red onions, peas, bean salad, served with fresh crusty bread you can either have with butter, or olive oil and spices.  And white wine.

I make the best desserts.  Chewy Gingersnaps are my favorite to eat, they are not like the hard taste-less gingersnaps you buy in a box at the store.  Mine actually have flavor.  Lemon criss-cross cookies with raisins and a sugar crust, Molasses cookies, Super cookies that have everything butterscotch morsels, M&M’s, etc., Nanaimo bars, What cake, Blackberry cobbler with ice cream or fresh whipped cream, sweet cherry pie,  cheesecake, blueberry pie, all with fresh whipped cream, pumpkin pie with eggnog, pecan pie, puffed-wheat squares, but everyone loves my rice krispies treat for some reason.  I make the rice krispies squares and a Christmas wreath made with corn flakes and green food coloring.  Every gathering I have ever brought them to one person in the group will eventually hoard the dish to themselves.  One person told me they had green poop following their indulgence.  I don’t know why people go crazy for it other than I don’t follow the recipe exactly, I use my nose until it smells the way I want it to.

I love baking bread.  I enjoy kneading the dough.  It’s a certain kind of pleasure and stress reliever in kneading dough.  Dill bread is one of my favorite recipes it is a little hearty and less crusty.  It is so good with Welsh rarebit, sprouts, fresh sliced tomato and salt and paper.  You eat it with a knife and fork.  It is delicious.  Serve it with beer.

I love Thanksgiving dinner.  One year I splurged and bought an Organic turkey – it cost about a weeks groceries, but the flavor was different from anything before.

Colcannon with cabbage and rutabaga.  Yum.  Mint peas, curried peas, creamed onions, honey carrots are some of my favorites.

Swedish meatballs with dill sauce and green beans.  Yum.

Plus, it is a must to serve with meals pickled beets, cocktail onions, and olives to add to your plate.

I dream of a simple meal of fresh green salad dressed with a light oil sprinkled with salt and pepper, and topped with shaved parmesan.  A crusty bread to dip.  Olives of all sorts, cuts of cheeses, some drizzled with honey.  And white wine to be followed by red wine served at an outdoor table, and talking the night away.

I have a feeling I am going to be sharing more food stories.

But, I want it to be said – I know this is out of context – I am not a fan of actors, or films, or television.  I am an appreciator, and this is a huge difference.  And, BTW chickens are male and female.  All birds are male and female.

 

I woke up in the dark today.

There was a time in my life when all I wanted was to act, direct, write, produce, sing, dance all of it.  Then, life happened to me, and I grew older and the bills grew bigger than I could keep up with.  And, I put childish notions of a life bigger than the one I was already living away.  Plus, I have seen video of my own performances, and I was never any good.  I just thought I was better than I was.

Then, reality happened to me, and I know with certainty I will never want to be apart of the lime-light, or even be apart of anyone famous, or a celebrities life in any way.  Of my own free-will I will never choose it again.  If my job is not dependant upon it, if my lively-hood is not threatened from being cut off, I would and will never choose it again.

2012 happened to me.  One of the worst years of my life.  Just when I thought my life was going to start being different, just when I thought I could begin living a full life all my careful planning went away.

Is it decompression that happens?  When a solider goes to war they have to decompress after which can take years.

I feel I need to decompress.  I feel all I am capable of anymore is lying in bed since I can fall asleep within minutes at any time even on my lunch break at work.  Wake up after more than just 2, 3, or 4 hours of sleep, have something to eat, take a shower, and go back to sleep again.  And, that is a lot because I really don’t even want to get out of my pajama’s most days.  Shut the world out.  Take ever bit of hidden meaning with it.  This is not a life lived the way I have had to earn money these last few years.  Because there isn’t any reason why companies, any company wouldn’t hire me, or interview me.  So, that I could earn a living on my own, and have to constantly figure out how to solve the problems that keep spitting in my face and destroying my life.

I have been unable since 2012 to build a life with any future.  That is what people do, they make goals to work towards.  Yet, I have been unable in nearly three years to even buy simple things like new clothing.  All my money and paychecks get spent before I get paid.  Purposeful problems happen to me that I have to correct.

My brain feels like a thin wire that’s been severed, but the current is still running, zapping randomly because it no longer has its protective sheathing.

I want to go back to sleep, or do anything that will shut my brain off and remove me from this existence.  It is not worth being alive for.

I wish I had never met you, David Wolfe.  I used to remember college with fondness, however these last few years have shown me you are different than I ever could have imagined.  Regardless, of what I do or buy, the truth is I wish I had never met you.  My heart remains unmoved from regret of knowing you.  I would never wish upon my worst enemy even one of the things that has happened to me since 2012.

There is this stupidness of soft or hard, wet or dry, dog or cat or horse, the list goes on.  It is the dumbest thing anyone could ever imagine.  Because skin is soft – it should be either for a man or a woman.  Women are maternal they are hard-wired that way.  I am a woman, I was born a woman, will always be a woman, and never wanted to be anything else.  Skin is not meant to remain in constant wetness, it was not designed to remain underwater, or in constant wetness.  A human cannot mimic, model, or in any other form copy themselves after an animal.  Humans are a higher form of being than an animal.  And, God made us in His image – not after an animals.

Regardless, of what I do or buy – the truth is – I wish I had never met you, David.

Edison -or-whatever-your-fucking-name-really-is,

You fucking lousy lay!

You worthless child of a man!

Do you honestly think for one moment I cared for you in any way?!  I was only with you to prove to David Kahit Wolfe that I was not a threat.  So, he would stop following me and having me watched!

At the very sound of your voice, I exclaimed, OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!!

We were never a match in any way!

It was nothing more than a set-up!

I saw the look of fear in your false eyes when you saw the look in my eye when I saw David Kahit Wolfe sitting there at Panera.

Do you think for one moment it was you that made me funny that could for one second could ever make me laugh?!

You are the very reason I had to stop dating because of your treacherous deceit!  There is not a chance I could ever let an experience like that happen AGAIN!!!!

IT WAS NEVER YOU!!!  YOU STUPID USELESS FUCK OF A MAN!!!!!!!!!

Not a fucking chance I ever want to see you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to hear you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to know of your existence again!!!

I am by far the greater person!

I am by far of woman of so much better worth than a man like you should ever have been allowed to be involved with, or around, or anywhere near me, or my life – EVER!!!!

You think you made me?!  You think you made me into something?!

It was ONLY because of David Wolfe.

I want you removed from every part of my life permanently!

You disgusting, ugly worthless man!

YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You stay the fuck off my computer!  You stay the fuck off my internet!

YOU FUCKING MANIPULATIVE FUCK!!!!!!

You weaseled your way into my life!  You weaseled your way into a fucking job!

If I hadn’t been trying to make a point to David Kahit Wolfe I would NEVER have gone out with you!

Oh yeah, and by the fucking way after my first meeting with you I never wanted to see you again!  I was fucking manipulated, and mind-tricked into the entire experience of you!

I would rather die than EVER see you in or out of your stupid, fucking disguise!

I used to make myself sick at the shame-filled memory of that time, however I have come to forgive myself for ever encounter with you for I did not have complete control over the situation.

There was never a moment of any feelings I had for you.  I just wanted to feel sexually desirable to a man.  There is nothing wrong in that, there is nothing criminal in wanting to be wanted by a man, there is nothing perverse, there is nothing I did wrong to deserve being forced into exile the way I have been removed from the entire world.

I will never remember any of that time with anything but disgust.

I would rather have killed myself than to live like this, I would rather the world didn’t know me at all than to live like this.

I wish I had never met David than to have lived these last few years.

I wouldn’t wish this existence upon my worst enemy.

 

Is it really so hard to be able to have a job where it does not matter what road I drive, what lane I drive, what door I go through, where I place my water bottle, what shoes I wear, how I wear my hair, how I walk, where I walk, where I place my feet, what toilet I use, what toilet paper I use, which roll of toilet paper I use, what food I eat, what food I don’t eat, what I drink, where I park, how I park, how my garage is organized, what color I use for something, what product I use for this or that, on and on.

I want my life back in my control.

I should have ignored the people at work.  I should have left the tape on my garage sensors.  The last thing I need and want in my life is more work, hard times, hardship, chaos, confusion, problems, and grief.

I pay for my own internet it shouldn’t be accessed.

I am tired of being told what to buy, when to buy, what time of day to

But, then I could have had a life.  I could have found a job in a store worked my way up to management, or a buyer, or a merchandiser, or a trainer.  But, somehow every single application never seemed to get anywhere.  As if it was being stopped before it could reach the destination.  There is no reason why any business or company wouldn’t want to hire me.

I am tired of protecting you David by not speaking out about you more.  I won’t do it anymore.  I’m calling you out here you can choose to read it and respond or not.  But, I am tired of constantly having to make concessions to you and for you!

Do you not understand I believe you have ruined my life.  For the rest of my life – you are to blame.

All these years I could have been sharing a real life with a man that I loved and more importantly who would love me.  A man who was born a man, will always be a man, and loves women who love men.  Not some phony in a disguise.  Not some play actor wearing a skin suit.  Not some ghost virtually living in my house.  But, a real man.

Years of my life you have taken from me – David!  Years!  For nothing.  All because I made you laugh once?!  I wish I had never met you, and I don’t see that changing.  Because David you are frightened of me.  You are scared to talk to me.  And, I don’t think you have the balls to talk to me which is why you always let me walk on by every time we’ve seen each other.

It’s hurtful!

It’s harmful!

I do not care for one moment if I’ve seen a celebrity, or famous person, or someone even related to a celebrity or famous person.  What matters is the person.  What matters is who the peson is, and when the interaction has a negative effect upon myself – as I deem it to be hurtful, harmful and negative it is a terribleness not worth living and not worth enduring.

I would never go out of my way to hurt someone – anyone male or female.  I would never ladel extra calories into someone’s food especially knowing they worked so hard to lose over 100lbs.  The emotional trauma is a great sin to do to another human being.

It is truly hurtful to go to work and be treated with such disrepect.  I could have written other things, you choose for me.

It’s not much of a secret.  Famous actors and celebrities put on disguises wear black paint and pretend to work with me.  It’s honestly not that interesting to me.

Hurting and harming someone is a problem.  Hurting and harming me – is a big problem.

David, James, David – it is hardly a secret or classified if the whole world knows about it.

Don’t worry David, I won’t speak to you in movies as you did to me and I did in return that time has long since passed.

There is no going back to what was once before.

Communication is what?  And let’s not think too much about that – the spirit of the saying implies actual face to face conversation.  That is to say no disguise, or proxy of any sort, etc.

How you have taken the richness of my love and kindness, and treated me as an animal or a toy without any regard for my wishes.

I am beyond anger anymore.

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to introduce myself, let you know some things about myself, what you can expect from me, and what I expect in return.  I want to make absolutely certain and understood what I will not tolerate within the workplace, in my free time, in my home, in my life, and in any other way I have not yet mentioned within the context of this letter.  I want to make clear and certain what the spirit of this letter intends if there is any room for doubt, or unmentioned specifics.

In applying for this job, I will not be playing a key role of any kind or sort.  I am unable to pretend I am anyone other than myself.  I will not copy myself after anyone.  I do speak English rather well; however, I do not speak code of any sort.  Also, if you want to know what I am thinking, ask me, I will respond out loud.  You will not have to go so far as the recesses of my brain for any knowledge about me.

I am not a spy, or a secret agent with any skill set.  I am not a dog, or a cat, nor am I any other kind of animal.  I am a middle-aged woman, so the time I was a baby has long since expired, therefore, I do not need to be housebroken, or toilet-trained at all.  It has no place whatsoever in the work place to begin with.

I am not a detective, or an investigator, or a police woman.  I am not a guinea pig, or a lab rat to be researched and tested upon.  I will not need to be told what to eat, when to eat, how much to consume, when to drink, or in any order by management, or by any other means.

I am not an actress.  I do not have the stomach for it.  I am not a singer, or a performer, a painter, an artist, or a writer.  I have a very good brain, so I am not in need to be told what food, clothing, or supplies to purchase.  I do not need to be told how to spend any of my free time, my days off, my vacations, my sick or personal time, or any other time while not on the clock.

Understand this, no person of any sort will be allowed permission into my home while I’m at work, or while I am at home.  Furthermore, no person of any sort will be allowed remote access into my home virtually or any other means – at all.

Good thing for you, I will never be able to be pregnant.  It is an impossibility.  Again, I am unable by any means to become pregnant, carry a baby, or by any other means have a natural child.  I have lost a lot of weight in my life, so you will see I will remain quite slim and healthy.

When driving to work, I will choose the fastest and most cost-effective route.  I will not zig-zag, or choose specific lanes based on anything other than the fastest means possible.  While I am not a race-car driver I will get to work fast and in a safe manner.  I will not be playing a driving game or any sort, nor change lanes for any other reason other than the fastest route possible.

I am looking for employment in an allergy-free environment.  I will accept nothing else.

Competition that creates division, hurt feelings, and in any way alters a person normal bodily function is unacceptable in the workplace.

While I have a light-hearted and good sense of humor, the workplace is not a place for pranks or tricks or any sort.  If humor comes at the expense of a person’s feelings either financial or mental it does not belong in the workplace.  If humor causes humiliation, shame, suffering of any sort, embarrassment, or creates ill-will, or sexual harassment it does not belong in the workplace.

I see great and wonderful things within people, places, animals, and the environment.  I will not allow any good, kind, and wonderful things that I see to be taken from me, turned against me, or in any other way perverted.  Even if someone calls it art.

My vision is unique.  My mind is unique.  As I am – for no one else can be me, but me.

I am a wonderful employee.  No one works harder than me.  I can say this with certainty because no one in the entire world works the way I work.  There is not a single business that wouldn’t profit from my employment.

What I expect from my employment is an allergy-free environment, to be treated as an equal among my peers, with respect for my person, my feelings, my life, to be listened to, to be allowed my own future, and choice with what I want in life, and how I to earn a living.

Thank you in advance for my employment,

How fucking dare you, DKW!

You brought me here under false pretenses!  How can this ever be my home when I have no control over my own body, let alone the privacy of my home when I am away!

This house is not open for you or anyone to enter of any such nature!

You do not need to enter my house to spy on my computer, I will tell you here!

Who would honestly care about whether or not they have seen a celebrity or famous person when the WHOLE purpose of placing them in front of my eyes is for the sole purpose of THEM BEING ABLE TO HUMILIATE ME!  To laugh at me while I am working!

I have been more than patient 2014!  One or two years was three and 1/2 years ago.  But, the truth is THIS has been going on for too many years.  It has been longer than 2012 even though that is when everything started to go into full swing.

I could have found a job – if you had not stopped me, interrupted my computer and internet service.  I could have started somewhere, anywhere and worked my way up, so that I could manage on my own.  But, you have not allowed me to do so!

How fucking dare you!  Lines have been crossed – and you allowed them to do so.

More than inappropriate within the workplace.

How could you treat me so unkind?!

How could you betray me so?!

Overwhelming!  Beyond overwhelming!  You place a burden on me everyday from which I can no longer lift my head.  I do not need a task list, a chore list, projects to do around the house, I do not need to be told what to purchases, or products, or supplies, or anything of the sort.

Give me back my life.

Give me back my freedom.

I will hide in the farthest reaches of the world where no one can find me to humiliate me further.

We all create moments in our lives.  We all have moments where our brain seizes the moments takes a snapshot in our memory to carry with us throughout our lives.  There are two I recall recently that set a reminder to me of what can be created long after the building has been completed.

Travelling is a great way to discover different people, food, love, and discover something new about yourself too.  I am recalling moments when my breath was taken in a gasp of wonder.

Asheville, NC is a beautiful place full of small-town goodness when I was there so many years ago.  Rounding the corner from the dense forest of shaded green, I came into the clearing before The Biltmore Estate.  My mind took a picture as I was struck by the beauty of the building.  How could a person live in such a home of such size and brilliant splendor.

Lucy, I’m home!  

Is what I imagined.  As my mind imagined Lucy and Ricky Ricardo living in The Biltmore Estate where the fireplace is bigger than my kitchen and bathrooms combined.

However, magnificent The Biltmore Estate and Property is I felt a certain melancholy, a sadness, or a unfulfilled desire driven to dust lying everywhere about.  It is remarkably grand.  It is precise and carefully laid-about.  Perhaps it is the burden the Estate demands to stay alive that I felt.

Nevertheless, The Biltmore Estate was a moment witnessed I can not, nor do I want to forget.

My twenty-fifth birthday I got to celebrate with a cruise and a trip.  The cruise kept me up drinking and laughing, so when I started on my trip to Canada I was beat.  Interesting snapshots of the metropolis of Montreal in juxtaposition with cathedrals.  The best potato soup and bread ever at a little diner of a truck stop along the road.  The Victorian house B&B we stayed at before crossing the St. Lawrence River.

On the ferry, crossing the river, standing on the highest perch, I saw Le Chateau Frontenac.  I was struck.  My mind took a snapshot.  It was gloriously magnificent.  Overseeing all around with a grand un-apologetic splendor.  Funnily enough, I still remember the man at the front desk who flirted with me as we checked-in complimenting me on my glasses.  Which I took great trouble in finding the half-tortoise shell/half rim-less glasses that were way too chic and fashionable for the small town and state I arrived from.

There is no doubt in my mind when they started to build on Le Chateau Frontenac it was to create a statement of claim and superiority.

I am still awe-struck.

The great thing about travelling, the reason I travel is more than to create the memories and bring back photos of great times and beautiful places.  I need to smell the air, feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, watch how the sun makes shadows on the pavement.  These are the small things that cannot be taken with a photo, or a blurb on a blog, they can only be felt and witness by the traveller.

Which was me.