Category: Uncategorized

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 30, 2019

Weapons of mass destruction.  This was in the news.  Weapons of mass destruction was the reason to go to war, for going to war.  It was in the news.  The President spoke about it.  Did we ever find the weapons of mass destruction?  If I remember correctly, we never found them.  Does anyone know why?  Why we never found weapons of mass destruction when we went to war on terror?  They were never there.

I am here.  I am the weapon of mass destruction.

Here is the code: take the letter “W” in the word – weapon – turn it upside down, it is a symbol for a mountain.  Take the letter “M” in the word – mass – it is a symbol for a mountain.  Take the letter “d” in the word – destruction, it is the last letter in my last name, Gjestland.  The letters need to be capitalized, it is how I saw it and see it in my head and brain.

If you, and when I write, you, I mean United States (not America, United States) intelligence, and perhaps British intelligence – because we do work together, obviously, it is only logical, more importantly, it is logical and very, very important to me, personally, very important – received intelligence about weapons of mass destruction, at least in one instance, people did not understand you were receiving information about me.  The threat was – never there.  The threat was and is here, in me, the threat is toward those who seek to destroy the stability of governments.

The threat was never there.

Look at it this way, look at the September 11^th attacks this way: intelligence was given information about weapons of mass destruction from terrorists, from government officials, from sources, telling you, showing you, you have no idea who I am , who Cherith is, and what I am capable of because they saw it in others.  In other people, in persons in Germany, they were giving you information, this will be difficult to believe because of the history that happened – to help.

Again, look at it this way: you had persons so upset and angry at my situation, because of my circumstances, because there was a failure in communications, they were willing to send men – to show the world, the truth of the reality that exists in me.  Remember I am able to see from another person’s viewpoint, from their mind, how they will believe, understand, comprehend, and think.

From many mind’s “they” and it is not just terrorists believed they had the capability to take out the White House.  Movies would not have been made about it if that information was not real.  On September 11^th, 2001, they chose not to attack the White House, they chose to attack the Pentagon.  What is it that happens in the Pentagon?  Is it, or is it not the headquarters for the United States Department of Defense?  It is.  At least one group of persons wanted, difficult to believe considering the actions, the world to know of the failure persons received when they gave intelligence.  Of the failure, of the failure, when they gave intelligence.

The attacks look differently, if you look at it with that information, knowledge, understanding.  Very differently.  Do you see how personal it was to them?

Look at what happened because of the failure in communications.  I see a course of history that would be completely different.

The movie, About A Boy, is really – truthfully, about a woman, this woman, Cherith Joelle Gjestland who while only a girl – changed history, ended wars, protected intelligence, saved lives.

Weapons of mass destruction is not the only code name for me that intelligence has not been able to connect to me, yet.

From what they’ve shown me if it is correct, I have more “kills” in my career history than most Generals have in their entire careers.

The reason I removed my lanyard from my badge on the 28^th of May 2019 is about a nose ring.  They place me in a path that I have no choice over to receive “air” whatever that was that was sent in my nose, felt like a synthetic form of cocaine.  It made me angry.  It did not make me or allow me to lose weight.  It just makes me angry.  I, in no way, need a mood alterer, or altering.  It also grows facial hair and chin hair, very quickly.  I in no way need facial hair on my person – ever!

The reason I placed my water bottle on the table at work on the 28^th of May 2019 was due to the events that caused me to go to HR, and the consequences of the firefights that erupted because you “suspended” me, no one supported me.

They started the firefight on May 28, 2019 because you told me I was going to have to speak to HR, they do not believe it needed to happen because I did and had done nothing wrong, and you did – yell at me again in HR.  He yelled at me.  He used a tone, manner of speech and speaking to yell at me and belittle me – again.  The same way he yelled at me, telling me he was walking me out the door.  I am most displeased with that man in HR.  Most displeased.

He told me in HR that there was a written complaint about me being racist because I walked – inches – outside the “green mile” at work and held my nose.  The whole world knows that is not true.  The whole world knows it.  Most displeased.

It is important to realize the persons in HR did not have knowledge about the firefight before they took me into HR, and that is a problem to me, in my eyes.  They do not have the knowledge and understanding of what they are doing when they create problems in that manner.

Of course.

There is a double agent in the production of Sherlock.  It has bothered me for some time, I just haven’t written it yet.  I see it in the writing.

The conversation in Sherlock that takes place in Buckingham Palace starts from a phone conversation I had after I moved into my family’s home after I had quit work at Visionworks.  I was given a job offer to work at a small vision store in a mall in Lakeland, Florida.  The word was, Christian.  He said they were a Christian company, and I almost immediately said, yes to the employment; however, there was more than one person on the line.  There was a local person watching me while I was talking on the phone, the phone call took place in my front yard, he was also listening to the call at the same time.  There was another man these men were interested in, interested in getting through me.  The way I saw it, to whom would I be saying yes to?  To whom?  To the two men, or to the man of interest?

Also, I had already made plans in my mind, and spoke about them to my family.  I wanted to take some time off.  I asked for one week.  I asked to start my employment after one week from the phone conversation.  He refused.  This is another example of the M.O. they have used with me since moving here to Florida, give Cherith everything she wants and will agree to, except, usually, one thing like a vacation, or time off, or something else.  Everything except for one thing rather than working with me.  To me it says, they are working against me, not for me, not with me, against me.

Who is my client, from Sherlock?  Client is code.  C, Cherith.  I, Cherith has seen them, Cherith knows them, Cherith will recognize them.  E, is a code name for a person living in British countries with diplomatic (there might be another word for it, it is similar if not diplomatic) immunity.  E, his code name must be translated because it is in another language.  E, this code name, needs his diplomatic immunity removed.  Watch and see what happens, this is not a good man.  N, is for my father’s first name.  T, is for Tampa, Florida, in this instance, it is a point of origin.  Time.  Year.  There is no L.

Illustrious, from Sherlock means, illustrated.  What was happening in the news with comics strips portraying Islamic figures?  It was inciting fighting, anger, lack of respect of cultures and religions, creating chaos, and destabilizing intelligence.  Specifically, destabilizing intelligence.

The safe scene in Sherlock with the Vatican cameos, American, why would you care so much?  Is not in reference to me.  This is a least one American, dumb-dumb, double agent.  I believe in that scene specifically; it is in reference to an American woman who was in the office building when I told two women waiting in the room with me how to stop – brain-research.  A woman who has been – bent – on destroying my life, my family, and many other American citizens.  She works or has worked in intelligence.  I believe this is the same woman they had in the back of the gas station.  This is the woman I wrote to send away to Virginia.

What I would do?  I would execute this double agent, this subversive.  She played a role in the lead-up to the events and consequences of the September 11^th attacks.  That is how I would deal with a double agent and her actions.

People need to see in my writing, that is the consequence, and that is the person I am when dealing – specifically, with double agents.  I understand brains, and other minds.

I’m so changeable from Sherlock, is me.  However, the line is, I, Cherith is so UN – changeable.  Cherith is unchangeable.  It is a criminal in an interrogation room that is trying to convince law enforcement(s) that their story is true rather than telling them the truth.  That is why Moriarty says the line.

I am so changeable, from Sherlock.  This reason it takes place at a swimming pool, is my former home.  A swimming pool can be seen from the sky when flying over, and our swimming pool was a distinct size and shape.  The reason for the bomber vests means lots of people knew my location.  My family’s location.

The question is who from Sherlock?  The question is who changed his mind.  I, Cherith changed the real Hannibal Lecter’s mind – like that.  He saw me, he saw my mother, he saw my brother.  He saw I was not like the rest of them.  The other people he had been working with.  He saw me differently.  I think, he saw me as family.  I think he realized there was something different about me.

The question is who?  It is an obvious thought that a serial killer that escaped prison who went after the woman who sent him to jail would want to kill her.  I don’t think that was his intention.  He saw the relationship I was in on the other FBI agents.  He was showing them he was better than them because he would not have done that to me.

Say that again and know that if you are lying to me – this line of dialogue is me; I will know when a person is lying to me.  I am better than any lie detector.

I will find you, and skin you, is just to reference the real Hannibal Lecter when he escaped prison to come after me, to find me for sending him to prison.

I will make you into shoes.  It is something I’ve done as long as I can remember.  I always look to people’s shoes.  It’s nothing, really.  It’s just something I do when looking at people.  And, there really was a shoe bomber because I made him.

The Vatican cameos scene in Sherlock is referenced again in The Lovely Bones.  The gunshot fatality is because when they raided this man’s home who had built that gas station, did not survive.

My measurements, you know I was wrong about you, this is, most likely, about the real Hannibal Lecter.  I, Cherith was not wrong about the real Hannibal Lecter, I am better than any lie detector.

Their upset about my weight, they are upset about the 100%.  They are upset and started a firefight because you removed my 100%, specifically with my weight.  Do you know what that means?  The same thing I wrote about several paragraphs above.  They believe in me.  And, they are mad that you are not showing me respect, the respect I deserve.  They are mad about my excess weight because they do not want to be seen that way.  So, somehow, it’s gotten to them that they are responsible for my weight gain.  20, 30 pounds – that’s a lot.  That’s a lot of weight you’ve placed on my skin.  And, they started a fight – to show you!

I do think we have a timetable from Sherlock.  This is about Cherith’s biological clock, and brain chemistry.  People fall in love in their brains.  The chemistry is in the brain.  It was noticed by many that it was time for Cherith to have her life back and get married like she wanted when she was a little girl.

No, I think I’ll get the pictures from Sherlock.  This means more than one person believed I would figure it all out.  Decode the – pictures, movies and television.

The whole reason for Sherlock to be written, produced, and televised, to me, looks like you had several people – again, upset about my circumstances and that I was not working where I received an income.  Tax form.  It would not be so FULL of intelligence otherwise.  What was the first thing I did after watching Sherlock?  What was the first thing Cherith did after watching Sherlock?  I ordered a shirt.  I ordered a, I Am SHERLOCKED t-shirt, and people – followed the money.

When I moved here, I told my brother I was unhappy with the cable because the package bundle did not include, BBC.  So, he ordered or added BBC.  It is that important to me.  Not that that it really is the same anymore since I am no longer able to watch television without it being a private viewing.

The house failing in the clouds from the movie, Up, is my mother.  That is me as Carl, watching the house, that is my mother falling in the clouds because my mother was no longer – workable.  The reason the house lands next to the falls, is a sentiment from at least one man for the work she did and because he had affection for her.

This has been in my thoughts the last several days.  My mother was most upset when Princess Diana died in the car crash.  My mother could barely stop watching the television about it.  I came home from work and she spoke to me about it.  There is something that happened in that conversation that I was not able to work because I had to hurry-up and go to sleep, so I could hurry-up and wake up, so I could hurry-up and go to work.  It was not a good sign that my mother was so upset about it.

Of course, my mother was upset about Princess Diana’s death, yet there is something else there.  Probably, I received a phone call at work, if not the next day soon afterwards, and something bad happened because I did not work the call there are – consequences – to my economic situation.

I could barely stop watching television after 9/11.  It is possible there is a connection to Princess Diana’s death and my mother.

It appears somehow in intelligence they have been using my now dead mother in connection to the Queen of England.  You will find out it is more than incorrect.  It looks like it has been protecting a double agent.

My Bestemamma, my paternal grandmother who was born in Sweden visited out home in Oregon after her husband, my grandfather died.  Several Gjestland’s from my father’s side of the family visited our home in Plant City after Princess Diana died.  It appears to be intelligence.  For protection, for the Royal family, and it worked.

What else would I have done?

Pay her now and in full, from Sherlock, I’ve already written about this.  This is the phone call conversation I had about adopting Russian babies, children.  Of course, I would have said pay her now and in full because that was to me, to pay me for the work I’ve already done.  This goes back to the plan an intelligence man had about legally having me inherit money or come into money somehow that would have allowed me to not have to work the rest of my life.  It is probably the reason the movie, Schindler’s List was made.  It tells me you did not understand this intelligence.  You would have found this information after recovering a dead intelligence man’s home.

It is a little devastating, painful that so many foreign governments and persons have been alerting United Stated intelligence and – HELPING – and they have been prevented from doing so.

Lack of oxygen is a list.  A list of persons.

In that particular instance, the person who wanted to legally allow me to have money the rest of my life – was really hurt by it, it was hurtful to him.  They didn’t start a war, but they might not have ever helped, again.

She has been removing intelligence in these years by calling it art.  Removing intelligence.  Intelligence that was given – GIVEN – to me when I was born.  It will not go away.  It is not possible to remove the intelligence from me, but it is possible to remove intelligence – in the field when I am not handled correctly.

Is that true?  Has no one else de-coded Sherlock before me?

I like detectives and detective stories from Sherlock, is about how I pronounce the letter, t.  It has nothing to do with detectives, it is the letter, t.

Has no one questioned how a LAPD officer in the movie, Rush Hour could own such an expensive car?  I am the car.  A supermodel.  I am Lee not James Carter.  Lee, denim, pants.  The backroom cards game means deck.  Deck, ship, Navy.  It means nearly, probably without me looking at every movie, every movie with cards in it is about the military, it is not specific to the Navy.

I kinda hate weddings from the movie, Leap Year is a read of me at a family friend’s wedding.  I have a concern here because this family friend in Pinellas county, Florida has a real intelligence person within their vicinity.  I have another admirer who sat behind me at this wedding.  This man is, slippery.  I would find him and hold him; he is not a loyal man.

Cherith instills loyalty in others.  A lot.

Yes, I did kind of hated being at that wedding.  Why did I not have, at the very least, a boyfriend?  Why was I not getting married?  This was my mind then, and I was in my twenties.

The shoe kick to the forehead in the movie, Leap Year means someone believed I upstaged the bride of that wedding.  It was not my intention to do so, and it does look like the bride believed I upstaged her in my dress.  The wine spill is a biblical reference to – Moses, slavery, my income and economic level.

It appears that every house visited, every house, “house” I visited or stayed at all my life has given intelligence, intel.

There is a man who was given the assignment to move near me after I quit work to care for my mother, he did not really understand why he was asked to move there; however, because he was near me, I created my blog, Climbing Fences, Department of Defense.

This man whose code name is E, I would allow him to live and live until his natural death.  You will see why in the years that follow.

Ages, from Sherlock is another reference to brain-research from the movie, The Secret of NIMH.

This psychotic woman that I’ve written about, this woman who is very responsible and participated in the consequences of the September 11^th attacks, I would execute.  She is a double agent and worse.

It was believed that I changed the real Hannibal Lecter’s mind because he saw it was not a winnable situation.  He would die.  He fears dying.

I am a decoder, a codebreaker, I saw fear in this man’s eyes, he feared me.  There is not a code, or language I would not be able to decipher.  There is no way to win against me from this man, another admirer, from his mind’s eye, the other night.

The rest is just going to have to wait, this is enough writing for one day.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 30, 2019

It’s in the news.  The reason the firefight that erupted on May 28, 2019 as soon as I left my house that started again today is because of what you people are doing in the news.  I have not been reading the news because I am so disgusted by the non-factual news.  They saw the word – suspended – in the news and made the connection that it was about me.  Bad on you, not me.

To those fighting at present, please forgive the time delay it is taking me to be able to correctly, accurately – write, and write to you.  I understand and am aware of the urgency; however, I will in no way not give anyone the proper amount of time, attention, my mind, and brain-thinking.

I will write it.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 27, 2019

Here they are again doing the same thing they’ve done all my life – chasing me from one home to the next, chasing me from one job to the next – again.  No, Cherith and her family don’t get to live in this home, so we’re going to chase them out.  No, Cherith and her family don’t get to live in this state or that state anymore, so we’re going to chase her out.  No, Cherith doesn’t get to have this job or that job anymore, so we’re going to chase her out one way or another.

It is the same thing they have been doing all my life.  My own plan for my life and how I wanted to live here wasn’t good enough, or I would be living in Eagle one not here.  And, here they are – again – treating me like I am some weirdo because I spent so many years taking care of my mother, chasing me out of employment.

Why is it that I am not allowed to have my life legally returned to me?  What is the real reason?  There are many people that you could do this life to that might actually go into it with full knowledge and not be coerced into it because they have no other choice or alternative, so why am I not allowed to have my life legally returned to me?

I don’t just want another job, or employer; I don’t want to work anymore.  I have already done more work and more missions than most people do in their entire life or career.  I want to be able to live my life like every other citizen.  Why must I live my life without ever being loved really and truly by a man I really love as well?

From what I’ve seen you have given better care of the real Hannibal Lecter than you have of me.  Probably because the real Hannibal Lecter doesn’t have to spend his every day in writing about this food problem, or that food problem, or they stole this photograph of mine, or stole this t-shirt, or damaged this furniture, or damaged this appliance, or gave me hair loss in this shampoo or hair color, or stole this ring.  He looks heathier and better looking than you’ve allowed me to be, it has me suspicious of his intentions.  I know what I look like anymore.  I am not attractive as I used to be anymore.  It has me suspicious of his motives.

Intelligence persons literally put their lives on the line every single day for you the everyday citizen, and for people around the world.  They put their lives on the line every day they work, and after they’ve retired.  They do receive money for it; however, any logical person would understand it in no way is able to compensate for the safety and well-being of themselves or their families.  Why would anyone want a job like that if their lives were at stake, every day?  Think about it.

With what you have done in this reality-television life, my life, my brother, my father’s lives are at risk – every day.  They will be after the television cameras are turned off too.  My mother is already dead because of it.  I have failed.  She died; my mother died because of these television cameras.  You people did not understand and were not given information of who I truly am.  My mother has died because of it.

You have other markets besides prisons, and prisoners that are viewing my excess weight as a commodity and protection, and death threats against me and other persons because I have failed to lose weight and return to the size and weight, I was before.

I have failed because I don’t get to go running outside like I did before because that is how I ran before, outside.

I have failed to have my weight reduced to what it used to be for so many years.  100% failure again.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 26, 2019

I failed to lose weight.  I failed to lose weight – again.  Another failure.  I have failed 100% again.  I wrote about the military man they were using in the building as – meat.  Placing money on him throughout the world and seeing him through the cameras as meat to buy.  Rather than correct the problem, they placed it on me and many other people in the building.  I am the prime target, the most valuable prize, and it appears that money is being used in a fantasy murder group of prisoners in prison for murder.  I am being seen as body parts to dissect and kill.

My stomach being the most valuable, then my thighs, buttocks, and arms in that order.  These are people who want to hurt and kill me, and you’ve allowed it to be delivered to me here.  They want me dead and you’ve allowed them to live their fantasy by watching me suffer under this excess weight.  My former neighbor is included with excess weight, so there could be a protection problem for him since there was a woman used to give me items.

My mother when she was placed in the nursing home within a few months put on close to forty pounds.  That did not happen while I cared for her, she did not lose weight either.  There was no reason for the excess weight.  The last time I saw my mother was at the dentist’s office, she was wearing a purple shirt that did not belong to her.  She is dead now.  I failed to protect her and care for her.  I should never have trusted people to care for her.  It appears I should never have trusted my brother either.

About A Boy, the movie, tells me Will Freeman’s character was a least someone’s plan for me.  Will Freeman being a person who was so successful from one song that he was able to live off of the money for the rest of his life.  That was supposed to be me.  I was the person who was so successful, you had people in intelligence that were making plans to have me inherit money or come into money in some way.  They were going to legally allow me to inherit money, so that I wouldn’t have to work a regular job, and most likely, I would have also married an intelligence man that would also provide a life for me in that way and manner as well.

My success in About A Boy, was not in California, it was in Germany.  What I did and how people saw me was so impactful they wanted me to keep my brain – functioning, by not working.  I would have worked with intelligence in other ways.  They would have brought the people to me somewhat how they brought people to me over the phone when I’ve worked call center jobs before.  But they wanted me to be seen at a level fitting my capabilities.  So, when I spoke with people, for instance, from Buckingham Palace, I was not seen as a convenience store clerk.  Some hourly wage employee, but a person that had the ability to be seen in a room in a place such as Buckingham Palace.

Judging by David’s actions over these years it appears to me, he has never been able to understand the person I am.  He appears to be the man not with the brain-thinking like I have, and there would have been no problem with me being or dating him, or a man that was not a brain-thinker.  If he has made all these Home Alone references to the movie, Home Alone, and it being about me enjoying being an overweight person, then he has never understood who I am.

The movie, Home Alone, tells me that I was being used by people as a child to catch and capture criminals.  I have written about this a lot.  It has nothing to do with obesity, being fat and heavy.  It makes David appear mean, jealous, vindictive, mean-spirited, ugly and unkind.  If I was a manager or in charge over his life, I would never treat him the way he has treated me.  I would want him to be successful, and not a failure.

Coventry all over again, from Sherlock is code.  Coventry, meaning coven, meaning a group of persons shrouded in secrecy, that is something a double agent does shrouds themselves in secrecy to subvert.  It is the reason Sherlock Holmes is in the backseat of the vehicle this is my mother and I on our way from Munich airport to our hotel, and the man they used who followed us from behind liked both my mother and I a lot – instantly.  The problem is the same as it has always been, they and no one has provided a way for me, my family, and my mother a way to live.

My mother and I stayed in a home, not an official Bed and Breakfast, she spoke to somewhere when we were stopped somewhere and asked about a place to stay, and we stayed in someone’s home in Prien, Germany.  We had breakfast in their attic that was set-up like a little living room.  My mother and I had breakfast and watched German television.  I didn’t want to leave.  It felt good to be there.  It felt good not because we were being watching through the television by another intelligence man, it felt good because he was working while watching us.  He would have been looking at his own screens, working the area, working intelligence, and I was enjoying it, working along with him.  He spoke to us, my mother and I in the candy shop in Prien.  And, my mother was having the most fun having a conversation.  I was getting bothered and antsy only because I saw they were working, and I wanted to – go.

Look, I made a mistake, from Sherlock, that is about David and myself in college.  The World Trade Center in 2001, the September 11^th attacks is the evidence of that mistake.  You have terrorists who have more manners by wanting me to have a better life than the life intelligence has provided or allowed me to have in Florida.  And, most likely, they – terrorists responsible for September 11^, 2001 – wanted to make sure the President was not harmed, and the attack not seen as an attack on the Presidency rather policy, and intelligence.  That’s pretty bad, if true.  The President was placed near me on that day, on purpose, to keep The White House, the Presidency – safe.

I gave advice on how to play the Holmes boys, from Sherlock, is about me and campaign strategy.  When it was Hillary Clinton running against Barack Obama, I saw that Barack Obama was the candidate and Hillary Clinton needed to be included and not beaten by Barack Obama.  I thought to myself and spoke about it to people that Hillary Clinton should be given another job, and there was a Hillary that was involved in my theater group in college.

I gave advise – stop – on how to play – stop – the homes, not Holmes, homes meaning houses, meaning governments – stop – boys, meaning men who were still treating me as a child and inferior to them while they took my thinking and logic and used it as their own.

Your through now junior, from Sherlock is me placing David completely out of my mind before he went to University, or I would have spoken to him as though I knew he was the David I knew when he called me so many times when I worked at Disney.  He called a lot.  Either he was paid to do so, or he missed me.  I previously thought I was good for him.  Good for his brain like I am good for the real Hannibal Lecter who really wants to take me to dinner, date me, get to know me as a person, face to face, for real because he desires this relationship to be truthful, real, more than a façade.

He has learned a lot very quickly, and from what I saw last night, he is better at it than anyone they’ve used before.  He is a smart man.  He is better at it and he knows there are fatal flaws, errors, errors in judgement in the process of this life and show.  He is correct, in my opinion, it is what I have said since I’ve been aware people were not just actors, but in disguise to play a role for reality televisions.

I look more like my aunt Mildred, from the movie, Love Actually references my mother’s email account.  My mother had an email account with the name of her horse in Canada, Marie, I do not have this photograph any longer it has been stolen from my home, my mother was a child riding without a saddle, and her relative’s name, Mildred.  I have a photograph of them, Mildred and her husband, Sid, sitting in their living room, smoking.  They lived in Eastern Canada.  I do not know when they died.

Why is that this man I saw last night made to appear like a JJ profile looks guilty, very guilty, culpable, and guilty, as though he knew all along?

I had to remove my ladybug shield because it was placed in my garage, it was placed by illegal entry.  I did not find it outside, someone illegally entered my home, I removed it.  It was not a correct thing to do.

I’m only returning your coat, from Sherlock really did happen to me in college.  A woman I went to school with borrowed my coat, I had to ask for it back.  She, it appears, had no intention of returning it.  Similar to the coat in the photograph on Norton manager.

It appears that my life and lack of men and dating has only been used for a woman’s therapy, a woman who to me appears to have mental problems that will never go away, they have used her at agency work, she is unstable, and they’ve used me as her therapy.  At the cost and expense of my own life, a life without any love at all.

He is heart-sick for me.  He wants to date me.

I do not want to work anymore, and I do not know what to do about that.  I don’t want to work anymore.  I failed to protect my mother.  I failed to keep my mother alive.  I don’t want to work anymore.  I feel abused, mistreated, lied to for profit, and I feel broken beyond repair.  I don’t want to work anymore.

I failed to lose weight.

I am failed my mother.

I am a failure.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 25, 2019

The truth is I am a failure.  100%.  I have failed 100%.  I should never have stopped being my mother’s caregiver.  She is dead because of it.  I am a failure.  I failed her.

The truth is I had more freedom being my mother’s caregiver than living in this home and this life.  At least at my former home, I had my own screened-in swimming pool, my own yard, my own front porch, I could watch television, I could take my mother for drives, my own home, my own everything.  Here I am not able to walk a few feet without having to lock the doors because I do not have exclusive access to my own home.  I am not able to sit by the pond and watch the animals because it is out of eyesight of my doors.

I have written this more than once; it took every person’s income to be able to afford to live in my former home.  My father did not make enough money to afford the expenses of that home on his own, nor did my mother, nor did I, nor did my brother.  All of us had to pay in order to be able to afford to live there.  They made sure of it by doing things like altering the electric bill making us pay for our neighbor’s electricity, and us being unable to prove they manipulated the system in our electric bill.

Not because we were incapable of living away from each other, or we were just weird people because we were a family of adults living together.  That is what I felt the most in the last years in that home.  My neighbors, David, everyone around thinking and believing we were a bunch of weirdos’ because we lived under the same roof together.

I would never have redone the landscaping at my former home had I not believed my brother, 100%, that he was going to stay in that home, that he intended to retire, stay, and have that be his home for the rest of his life.  I have failed because I believed him.

My Tuesday and Thursday would still be alive if I was still caring for my mother.  I am a failure.

If people were truly sorry this would all end, they would legally give me back my life.  They would legally end this charade, this reality television, this everything, and give me back my life.  There is truly no excuse for anything they’ve done here since 2012.  They are not sorry; they enjoy the pain they inflict upon me by making me live in this way.  I am a failure.

Bye, bye, baby goodbye by the Bay City rollers in the movie, Love actually, is probably about me in California.  There was a greenbelt area – it is the correct name – near our home in Simi Valley, California, and I did go roller skating as a child 4, 5, 6, somewhere around there, we moved to Oregon in my seventh year, there was a small hill, I went roller skating in the greenbelt, started down the hill, I saw the man first – to my left in the trees and not visible – and, then I saw the twig in the path.  I was too young to know how to stop, I knew I was going to fall down before it happened.  I scrapped my knee on the twig and it happens to be the same knee with the scar from washing my parent’s van.  The man responsible for the twig in the path looks like he has served time in jail after the event, most likely, theft.

Goodbye, David.  I have nothing more to say to you other than, goodbye.

Goodbye, the real Hannibal Lecter.  They will never allow it, or these years like this wouldn’t have happened.  They are doing the same thing and things they did when they placed David in my life in college.  Either I failed, or they will never allow me to be loved.  I saw David, I saw David in pain – a lot – in college and it always looked as though he was in pain over me.  But a man doesn’t have pain like that about a woman and never do anything about it, let it go, walk away, date other women, marry another, and never be the man to her.  It is the exact same playbook, scenarios they have done all my life in Florida.  They will never let it happen.  It would have happened already, there is no logical explanation or reasons for this life, none, other than to watch me suffer and die from grief.  Goodbye.

I am a failure.

Goodbye.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 24, 2019

Anyone remember a famous supermodel that gave a sound bite of how she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000?  It is another reference to my trip to Germany and the plans people were putting into place for me to work and live.  That is another reason why Sherlock is in a bedsheet and told to put his clothes on.  His trousers are a reference to boy’s wear shorts, men wear pants.  Also, my Theater teacher in college only wore shorts to school.  It is a belief, and quite correct too, it appears by some, that he, as in my brother, was being used inappropriately through communications.

That Columbia Valley wine has made me sick, ill; I feel worn out, exhausted again.  Why is that?  Why is that allowed to happen, constantly?

I really don’t feel the need to write every crime scene I see, look at, especially if the killer has already been caught, and at least in one instance, executed, unless there is still work to be done to catch them.

He looks sad tonight.  The real Hannibal Lecter, why is that?  It looks like he misses me and wants – real.

More than anything anymore, I feel a failure.  I failed my mother; I failed my family.  A failure.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 24, 2019

Do not misunderstand me.  When I wrote to send the real Hannibal Lecter away and away from me, I think it is all time for all of you to be more clever, wise, and able to realize I was NOT referring to the real Hannibal Lecter.  I was referring to the cause of my final written warning with my employer.

The real Hannibal Lecter – and, it is a shame I do not know his real name – has, through virtual reality, felt more like a real boyfriend – than anyone else.  Why is that?

A real boyfriend who loves you, cares about you, likes you, does not want harm, upset, discomfort, or have ill-feelings happen to you, and that is how the real Hannibal Lecter has made me feel.  They have brain-spoken to me that they have found trace amounts in the real Hannibal Lecter’s body.  Meaning, trace amounts of psychotic drugs, most likely without any scent, in his body.  Referring to Bourne Identity, the movie, with the dialogue that there could be another reason for the behavior, or crimes.  Real or not?

My catty-corner former neighbor, also believes that anyone could see that the set-up of my former date was grossly miscalculated and misread, that he, my former neighbor, at his height, with his arrest record, would have been a better match or date than the one they chose.  Obviously.  For a lot of reasons.

Please do not misunderstand the above paragraph, I believe he has a woman in his life he has – history with – and he is not intentionally wanting to cause any damage to either woman, me, and the woman he has loved before.  He is sorry for the hurt he caused her, he does love her, and it appears he does want to bring his relationship with her into a talk able, friendly, amenable relationship.  That is very mature of him.  She should listen to that.  He really loved her.  The best he could at the time.  He really loved her.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 24, 2019

I’ll just have your lighter.

I don’t smoke.

No, I know you don’t, but your employer does, this dialogue from Sherlock is a little disconcerting.  I really did go to my doctor, a woman, and tell her about previous smoking habits of mine during a women’s wellness visit.  She looked shocked, surprised, and in so many words told me it didn’t matter and didn’t write it down.  This would have been after I graduated from college before quitting from Disney.

It makes it appear that my woman’s wellness visit was – again – spied upon with hidden cameras.  It makes it appear that it was done from within an agency level.  That is rather disturbing.  Would anyone else like to go to their doctor or anywhere knowing it is possible that your own countrymen or countrywomen are spying on you, using government money to do so, for their own personal reasons, vendettas, directives?  In America?  The land of the free, the home of the brave, spied upon from within?

Probably most specifically because Cherith did and is most capable of destroying terrorists’ networks, plans, all of it, in its entirety.  Completely.  I happen to think I am more than excellent at it.  But, you people by my sheer size and weight alone think it is more important to protect terrorists and criminals than – me.

Worse is having an actress who had a role on television as a Russian double-agent disguised as my real doctor when I was working for Disney, the second time, or the “fake-time,” reality television time.  Worse – again – why am I the one having to write about it after the fact?  After the damage has been done, after irreparable harm has happened?

Why am I the one constantly having to write about my own achievements?  Then, once learning and discovering the truth of the matter instead of giving me the credit, giving me any amount or semblance of acknowledgement, praise, a pay raise, the ability to live on my own, have a life of my own, what you do instead is test it endlessly until I go numb and mind-dead.  I think you people are atrocious.

Why has no one in all the work I’ve done for this country ever done anything to safeguard, protect in the smallest way, me, my family, or my body?

It’s again, using a legitimate person like my doctor and doing something so subversive, criminal, insane, to try and place blame on the legitimate person, and not the criminal.

Why is it someone was able to enter my home while I was away and steal my Amazon peak t-shirt that was given to me after the second peak?  Why am I the one having to write about it?

I am most unhappy.

They put facial hair growth in the tomatoes I received from Amazon.  I find that revolting.  I am more than upset.  I am really sick and tired of the excessive facial hair.

I am more than unhappy.

I have no stability whatsoever in this life, most specifically in my employment.  Every week dangling me on a thread pertaining to my employment?  I have no means to plan for the future.  For instance, repairs that need to be made in my home I have not done because I have no stability of any kind, whatsoever.  None.  That’s years and years of nothing, but instability.  In part because it is for a reality television show that has no end date, no timeline, is not real.  I do not have the means to control some of the smallest things such as my own finances.  There is no reason whatsoever that I do not have employment and a job where I would be able to live on my own.  None.  I have decades of experiences.  Grow up, I am not a teen-ager living in my parents’ home anymore before I go off to college.  Get it?

I am most disgusted and unhappy with my body.

I am a failure.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 23, 2019

Not fat and happy.  This was a woman I worked with who spoke to me when I was working at Dillard’s.  I believe she was trying to convince me that I was happy given my circumstances.  The answer is no.  No, I was not happy about being fat!

The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain, what do you people really think this movie is about?  Has anyone seen it other than me?  Up a hill, could mean more than one thing, it could mean our trip, my mother and I, when we went to Germany.  It could also be referencing when I moved to our former home in a suburb, where I was receiving a lot of communications that I should have been able to understand a great deal better than I did.

The whip hand, that is referenced in Sherlock has nothing to do with S&M or a dominatrix, it is really clever writing; the whip hand, hand being short – not in height – for handler like an abbreviation, kinda like what the military does by taking all those long names of descriptions and turning it into their own lingo.  Whip, is a reference not to a whip, it is likening my employment, my hourly wages, my meager jobs and income, employments, and employers to – slaverly.  Get it?  Whip.  Hand.

Sherlock is so full of intelligence it would take me forever to go through line by line and – write it out for you.  I get it.  Why am I the one that has to correct everything for – you?!  If people were so concerned why didn’t they do anything about it before?!

Grow up, from Sherlock is not about me, it is not people telling me to grow up, it is about how people were still giving me the same salary, living, income, earnings, references, accommodations, life, and acknowledgements as though I was still a teenager living in my parents home.  I had been to college, I had already graduated, I still am not living a financially independent life.

What happens in this movie, The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain, an Englishman is sent to measure a hill for historical purposes.  A cartographer.  I should have been a cartographer.  More than one person referenced this to me in my real life when I made directions for parties I had in our home, not only with right turn and left at this street and that street, I drew a map.  In the movie the town brings their own soil from their yards and such to the hill, so that the cartographer will be able to historically allocate the hill as a mountain.

To what do you think the mountain is actually about?  What is it referencing?  Historically?  Do you think?  Anyone?  Do you really think it was about a mountain in England?  Isn’t England rather flat in its terrain?  A few thousand feet?  How long does that take to walk?  Hike?  It’s a hike, at best.

What other people live and hide out in mountains?  Other Englishman?  Or is it about bins.  And not the sort of bins that we use to collect our garbage for sanitation.

They added soil, earth – land.  They added land to the hill; therefore, officially creating a mountain – historically.  This has more than one meaning.  In one sense it is not condemning a size of a person; however, it unfortunately really looks as though – for lack of a better word – a double agent from within a US agency was using me in my employments as protection for some foreign families.  I do not believe that is very wise of them.

The speckled blonde in Sherlock could actually be as insignificant as the use of crushed eggshells in a garden to stop snails from damaging plants.  Snails damage – leaves, mostly.  Leaves, as a reference to my mother as POTUS, referencing her arthritis, and other medical conditions.  Why did no one do anything about this before my mother had to die?  Why did they allow it to be used for fodder on television?

Could someone explain to me why I was smelling weed all day whilst I was outside?  And why my stomach is bloated?

They did not deliver my food order yesterday.  They had me believe the White House had a clothing request, then my order was not delivered by reason of a person of 21 years of age or older was not present when no one arrived at my door.  I am obviously, upset.  I really do not appreciate being treated or spoken to in such a way.  My own grief and loss are not enough, I must suffer for someone else’s “directing?”

I really have a dead mother.  I really no longer have any friends, acquaintances, or any relationships of any kind.  How dare you treat me as such.  The access to my own home causes me to never leave my house.  As little as possible, simple things like going to a store, or the beach or wherever people go cause me to stop going anywhere because of the access to my home.  When I lock my door there should not be anyone else able to enter my home while I’m gone, or at home.  It’s debilitating.  Obviously, look at me.

Who really gives a shit if a Guardian sign is on one side or another, it is completely inconsequential?  You people are sick.

You take your clothes off to make an impression is not quite as bad as it sounds in Sherlock.  I’ve written about this before.  This is just me, creating a character for the mystery dinner – dinner – party I had in our home.  The self-portrait is not me.  It would be one of the – guests – who attended.  Yes, I wore a sort of velvet-type material robe with a sort of boa-type collar, it happened to belong to my dead Aunt.  I wore a bustier, and burlesque styled bottom with pantyhose and heels.  Yes, it really had people staring at me.  I did it on purpose.

The self-portrait is not – me.  And most actors have no problem with creating a character that has nothing to do with who they are as a person.  That is why they are actors and not – criminals.  It was not the sort of person people might see me as in my everyday life, so what?  To me it says, I was really out-of-their-leagues.  And, it looks like I inspired – a lot.

The bleeding Vicar could be a – boy.  About a Boy, the movie, the dead duck in the movie has nothing to do with bread, this is the newspaper articles my mother saved from the LA Times about a married couple that died – both of them – from Canada, and a bread recipe in the newspaper, and what looked like to me bad youths killing ducks that I fed when we lived in an apartment in Oldsmar, Florida.

I forget how old he was at the time of the party, he was a teen-ager.  His name is Steven Surrency, he is really a bright, more than smart man, who I believe went on to be a priest.  How do you ding?  This is what he said to me the first time I met him in our home, my own home.  I believe he was trying to say he didn’t hear the doorbell ring.  I didn’t ring the doorbell; I have a key.  The first time I met him was not for the mystery dinner party.  I was dressed in everyday clothes.

My impression of Steven when he saw me in my costume was that he did not like my make-up, most of all, more than the burlesque-style bottoms, bustier, pantyhose and heels.  My make-up was over-rouged cheeks, blue eye shadow, excessive make-up, and not very pretty.  I was not wanting to be seductive in my costume, I had to balance it, a little.  Had I played my character without something off-putting, I might have given someone a heart-attack.  It was to be for fun, not serious.

He also had Passover in our home.  I remember being so worn-out, sick in my stomach, I couldn’t finish Passover, Steven couldn’t understand why I wasn’t participating, I felt sick, tired, worn-out.  Either it was the food, or it was something in the food, or something someone was working on while Passover was taking place, or all of it.

I think he had a relative, an Uncle, who was the Chief of Police.  Steven also knows, ASL, my first ASL teacher in college talked about knowing Steven and mentioned Clearwater Baptist Church.  I believed it was people my mother spoke to at Clearwater Baptist church when we first moved to Florida in the eighties, who talked my mother out of filing for divorce by telling her she would never be able to receive child support or alimony from my father.  That would have been an opportunity for both my parents to be happy, and most likely, my mother would have married a man – in intelligence.

Does Steven know he is wearing his brain on his body?

She prefers, dominatrix, this line from Sherlock means, she, Cherith, prefers intelligence, intelligence men, do not let yourselves be fooled by it, or confused by it.  It is about intelligence, not sex, intelligence work, not sex.  Yes, people really were unable to “read” me and my face, so what?  Why would that be important if I was working with intelligence men and intelligence?

If the black fur stole Irene Adler wears in Sherlock was intentional, that would be my cat, Babee Bear.  He was definitely my cat, he looked to no one else, but me.

Ended the marriages of two separate parties from Sherlock this really just means that you had private investigator-type intelligence working me when I was talking to people, and these were men talking to me, not a woman and a man, these are different people.  Is this one having an affair, Cherith?  Does this person really love their wife, husband, girlfriend, Cherith?  Do they have a lover?  Why would that be important to some intelligence work?  I don’t think I have to explain that to you, I treat you all as adults capable of reading.

Yes, she read me wrong.  Sitting in the kitchen of our family friends’ home in California, she read me wrong.  What happened in the Mexican restaurant before this conversation in the kitchen about selling drugs and going to Santa Monica Community College was with a real intelligence man.  With a real badge, a real ID, he is a real person, it really makes a difference.  And, Santa Monica Community College belongs to an intelligence man, and not to a woman, or former cop, or lesbian, they look differently in my brain.

The scene in Sherlock at the end of the episode where Sherlock unlocks her phone is unusual in its blocking.  Sherlock in the foreground, Irene Adler and Holmes the senior in the background, I wish half our lot is as good as you, looks true about me, it changes back and forth between criminal and intelligence.  I haven’t yet worked through all the dialogue, rule and heart are – words.  If you use the words, heart and rule, then that would be why I am Sherlock getting the passcode to the phone.  I wasn’t trying to seduce anyone at the mystery dinner party full of my parent’s friends and neighbors, it was for fun and laughs.  And to take people out of their dull and drab lives for a few moments.

The complexity of intelligence and dialogue in Sherlock is not interwoven like a fabric, it is more like code, slivers of code, they are each distinct.  Like taking slivers of celluloid from different places, people, crimes, facts, and making a story out of it.  It’s quite clever.

I think you people have all failed to grasp the severity of consequences when speaking through other people – just because you’ve seen someone else do it.  Consequences.  My mother is dead.  I have never been loved in all my life.  Consequences.