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In my mind, I still have five cats.  My cats should never have been taken from me.  My family, my mother should never have been taken from me.  It was done, denying me my animals, my mother, my family with such malice I simply am unable to correctly write with enough emotion in which to speak to the horribleness of such an act.

Do not read into anything further as far as God is concerned.

I saw my brother at work.  I saw how much he did not want to be there and in such a way as he was used.  I saw my father at work.  He didn’t seem to mind as much, but then things were different at that time.  He was not being used in such a way.

I will be writing more about this – let it be known quite clearly, I am the mother.  I am the mother who can no longer become pregnant or impregnated. 

Men are babies – this is a saying.

Murphy, when I am dishing up food for my cats, who in my mind are the closest to children I may ever have in my life, Lambert and Maurice love to clean the utensil and lid.  It is as though they’ve lived where people fed them out of a can.  When I give Murphy the lid to sniff and see if he would like to clean it.  He looks around, then looks up at me and says, in a dish.  I need it in a dish.  The food goes in a dish, Cherith.

How very true that is, food belongs served on a dish or plate that is the proper way to eat.  See what is there in the story that just happens to be true.

Speaking about properness, it does not require money or fortune to do things properly.  There is no shame in being poor.  People will surprise you if you let them.  Having been down on your luck, making decisions out of desperate circumstances, or simply not the best decisions does not mean that a person and persons lack in ability, wanting-ness to help, be a help, change the course and actions of criminals and criminal behavior, bring justice, and make the community, and therefore the world a better place and a better tomorrow.

I saw them.  I see them.  It is a very difficult thing to be seen knowing I will see people the way I do.  Give them a chance.  Listen to your own instincts, yet do not micro-manage them to the point where they will want to not do what you ask of them just to be rid of you and spite you.

Give them a chance.  Let them see in you the possibility that can exist in them.  See if they don’t surprise you.

Spell check above.

Goddammit!

Can we please finally get rid of King Kong?!  It is more than disruptive.  The state of size – disgusting.

If you wondered why this wasn’t written until now see the title.  What’s my job?

There was a man who stood out like a sore thumb to me, my everything stopped.  I had to let it go after that.  I have a limit.  When multiple hours everyday are required of me to work for free at my paying job, then things change, beliefs change, credibility gets lost.

It was just a look, it would seem as though he’s average in appearance when he is not.  Since, my eyes are not fully restored and in working order that was all I saw.  I cannot write or say anymore because I was not able to see anymore.

Get rid of prison porn immediately!  Not a request!

Happy I didn’t use certain devices with Henry tonight.

Ate, eat, tea.

Act, cat, tac.

CE, EC, easy.

And…

What’s the question?

Day 1,548

I am beyond tired this morning, emotionally drained of all energy, stiff and sore – tired.  It is done with intent as a way to force me back to one.

I would rather be seen with hair loss, skin peeling off my face, enormous circles under my eyes, looking like a homeless person than give in to a lesser.

I would never degrade another person as a means to control them it only speaks to their inability to grasp the larger picture.

Yogurt with fresh fruit and Melba toast for me, order whatever you want or feel hungry for.  The pressure on my stomach has forced me into lack of desire and imagination for food variety and creations.  Honestly, would like a proper cup of tea and coffee, and it is important to cleanse the palate with clean, good, clear water.

This is being asked of me, I saw him yesterday, normally I would like to write this in a separate piece so that you can see the organization of my brain.  However, priorities, it is more important that I get this written than anything else.

What is the question?

There is a difference between me feeling someone in my brain and it applying to me or feeling reciprocal in return.  There is a difference between me caring about a person, or idea, or thought, or agenda, or issue, or way of thinking, or anything else, and having that apply or being applicable to me.

There is a difference.  So, what is the actual question?  What is being asked of me?  Did you want to know something?  If so, then what is your question?  Believe me I am in no shortage of opinions, beliefs, or ability to speak.

What is the question?

There has been an ill-planned design and thought process of – a competition.  I am putting an end to it.  Freedom of choice is one of America’s greatest virtues.  I would not deny another individual the right to choose it will no longer be done to me.

All the stories will have to wait as this is more important.  They will all understand.  When they read this, they will understand, I’ve seen them.

There is a picture of the utmost disgusting, degrading, filthy, and criminally suggestive that is displayed to me while at work.

A girl in a blow-up pool filled with water and other children, her arm down out of view making it appear as though her hand is in the water suggesting something sexual while an adult woman with brunette hair in a red swimsuit, exposed cleavage supervises the children with the verbage rainbow ring play center.

I am beyond words at my disgust.

This my friends, fellow co-workers, employer, former employers, family, friends, people I have seen and heard, and people of the entire world has been my homework for so many years.

This is extremely difficult for me as it is so upsetting I can barely manage words.  This picture is a copy-cat.  This picture is a deception.  This picture has been my re-education, teaching, and training.

This essentially has been my homework.  I do not accept it.

Murphy, my stout-hearted boy who has not had the same life as Maurice and Lambert, I have seen go out of his way to make sure Maurice learned or discovered play.  Running around the house together, I could almost see Murphy saying this is play now your turn.  Maurice said, wow, this is playing it is so much fun.  Let’s do it again!  Lambert is grateful to Murphy, as well as, it gives him a break from having to be ever-vigilant.  Lambert works so hard.

Buckle up.

Beautiful = U Be At U Fil.

I love you.  I will only use the v for this example.  V = turn it upside down.  It can be a symbol.  It can be an ear.  It could be a gem.  It can be one half of a diamond.  It can be a directional indicator.  I could go on…

I am not in a relationship of any kind.

There is no man in my life that I am seeing, dating, or involved with.  A real man does and says so in person.  I am under no understanding of being in any relationship with any man whatsoever.

Here I am running a race against time, yet again.  No wonder I deleted Washington Post.  Any thinking person would choose not to work 5 or 6 hours everyday for free in addition to the 12 hours I already work.

This will have to wait.

A hard-boiled egg and an apple is what I used to take with me every day to work.  Protein and fiber.  Until, I discovered my car was being illegally broken into and my lunch was being tampered with.  I had to stop eating lunch all together.

Two things of the utmost importance: I was being emotionally beaten to death last night while at work.  Draining me of energy.  They lost their fucking mind when I said out loud and, in my head, I want my employer to succeed and business to do well.  Lost their mind.

Know this: I will NEVER disrespect the office or position of any First Lady or Former First Lady by peeing.  Do you understand this thinking?  I verbalized, spoke out-loud when I was being forced and made to use a particular bathroom stall.  I am not a peeing dog, cat, or animal.  I will not stoop so low as to disgrace not just First Ladies, but EVERY single woman and female of my sex, and yes, men too, by allowing such a thing to happen.  It is more important that criminals are caught and locked away than being a peeing animal.

I paid for it with my hair.  Hair they took from my scalp and broke off my long hair.  Michelle Obama, I paid for it with my hair.

I would do it again.

Yes, I was correct in my voting.  It was a good well of truth.

Still keeping secrets, I have worked with Maurice since bringing him home.  He used to walk with his tail tucked under between his legs.  This is not a good thing for a cat.  I’ve talked with him, petted him, told him how much I love him, made him feel special.  Now, he is the boy who plops down on the floor smooshing his face against the door jam and says to me, Cherith what are you doing now?  Are you doing the dishes?  I love my house.  It is so much better than being on the street.

Predictive Program – stop pretending that this is anything more than a program where you use Cherith’s likes and interests enter them into a program to determine what movie or show she is likely to watch next.

This is not personal to anyone or any man.  It is their job, their j-o-b and nothing more.

I am nothing more to any of these men.

Day 1,546 of my imprisonment and separation from the world and men.

No, you can fuck right off, I am not going on the Master cleanse.  If you thought about it, you would understand.

We are going on a diet, so it will be coffee for me.  Have your coffee your way, I will take mine how I like it sugar and milk.  Fat-free and artificially sweetened for now since my way of thinking about food is off the table.

Rice cakes, with peanut butter and grape jelly.

And, all the water I can drink because every day I am denied access to water and food while working leaving me dehydrated and my metabolism off.

We will not be speaking.  Look at my hair line.  I am beyond words with any of you.

I who have done NOTHING but defend the rights of all people and persons and THIS is what I get in return?

Deal Breaker.

I will be dreaming of new men.

Try that for a story, a man trying to earn back the faith, belief, and love a woman gave him.  Good luck with that, all the he’s will need it.  Oh right!  But, they were never real to begin with or I wouldn’t have to live this way!

I do not believe anymore.

There was no reason whatsoever that I should have walked in to find all the authorized only access opened.

I do not believe the events of April 23, 2018 or April 24, 2018 as they had been portrayed to me as real.

I believed them to be real.  I believed in what I was doing – it was not real.

If it was real what I got in return from my employer, from my supervisor was to be YELLED at!

I don’t believe anymore!

I have deleted Washington Post, CNN, BBC news, and Bing from my devices and computer if you want to know the reason why look at my hair line.  I am beyond words at the abuse of power.

I will not be looking around in my car anymore, I do not believe.

It was all a lie, or you wouldn’t have had to cheapen the events.

I am so beyond words of upset.  It is a deal-breaker.  It is more than a gross judgement of error.

Try getting that back, me believing in any of it.

You, every participant fucking lied.

I do not believe anyone I heard was real, anyone talking through someone else was real, I don’t believe I understand people – OR I WOULD BE TREATED DIFFERENTLY AT WORK!  TO BE YELLED AT FOR DOING THE CORRECT THING?!!!

I WILL NEVER BELIEVE AGAIN! 

DEAL BREAKER!

You have no excuse for what you did to my hair.  None.

Justifying your actions after you’ve caused damage is beyond words.  They cause damage, yet never correct their actions or misdeeds.  They never correct a problem.  A credit after a purchase is not the same as correcting a problem – it never equals the same amount.  They never correct the damage done or a problem.

You can fuck off if you think I will ever be wearing a hat to work again!  You will look at the gross damage you caused – for no reason whatsoever!

Stop using David Wolfe!  Stop hiding behind David Wolfe!  They use David Wolfe to create a reality or truths that ARE NOT REAL!

It is only beneficial to me and my employer to believe and want the best for my employer, he should NEVER be my adversary.

They honestly want me to no longer believe in the US military?  That it still has a purpose and function?  That the US no longer needs a military branch?  Are you fucking kidding me?!  Dumbest thing to think of!  Only a copy cat unable to grasp intelligent thought would think otherwise.

I no longer believe in my work.

I want another job.

Day 1,545

I am working on this.  Writing, dreaming, feeling, thinking about food.  It is difficult to say the least.  I get to a point writing in my head when…it all falls away from me.  I don’t want to move.  I don’t want anything.

I would really like to be upset about the loss of my sensuality, but then going to work and being stalked in the bathroom just adds to the problem.  I have no safe places.  Going to work is the last place I want to feel sexualized.  No person should be sexualized – AT WORK!

I should never have had to prove my sex or sexuality.

There is no reason whatsoever for me to have to live like this.  None.  It is immoral.  Decades of my life gone because I have been under surveillance.  Decades gone because being watched kept men away from me.

Before anyone creates another falsehood when I moved back home my family had adopted two cats that had been found in a plastic bag.  Anastasia, Tay-shee for short and Tiffany.

It is with great purposeful intent that I have been kept heavy and uglified, so men will not find me attractive and I will not want to be desired by men.

You have been of the wrong mind-set for me from the beginning.

I wanted to share something different, I am not a machine, feelings and emotions create my reality – not ghosts.

I am used to running 4 or 5 days a week for 45 minutes to an hour AND working out to DVD’s.  I have not been able to go running since 2016.  From 2014 to 2016 it was rough, filled with bad experiences while running.

Forget about code.

Forget about movies.

Forget about everything else…for just a moment.

An espresso and a latte not the quickly hurried lattes at coffee shops with slightly warmed milk, a properly made latte made at the proper temperature with proper proportions of espresso and milk.  In either order with a glass of water.  I baked a crusty country white bread, cut thick on the diagonal to get greater crust, fresh Amish butter slathered to the end of the crust so that the butter drips down here and there.  A generous amount of a wonderful orange marmalade, I made, slathered on the slightly toasted bread.  Toasted just enough so there are browned crusty bits and not completely browned.  Napkins are required for this meal when biting into the toast a drip a butter from the corner of your mouth appears, dab.

We eat outside.  I have an outside dining area that serves many functions that I made on my property.  Driving along, going to auctions and estate sales, I have salvaged and reclaimed wood from barns, farms, and other properties where no one else saw value.

It is a square shaped building on concrete, the walls are not solid, I’ve left out slats and lumber for there to be a breeze that will keep the structure cool – naturally.  The roof is vaulted.  The enormous rectangle table was made also from the reclaimed wood, designed to be taken apart where the table top can be stored on the wall on hooks, and a built-in for the legs.  Allowing the floor to be open for other activities.

There is a wood-burning pizza oven off in the distance with a stone path to it that can be seen from the open views of the open dining room.  There is a fireplace with a mantle on one wall for ambiance and warmth when needed.

On this day I have used my linen tablecloth from Barbados (true story) and my antiques dishes.  While we eat apple blossoms float through the air creating the sense of time – there is no hurry.

Looking around, there are wildflowers I planted next to raspberry bushes and a bubbling bird bath next to a batch of Aspens whose leaves flicker in the sunlight.

That is all I have for now, it could have been much greater.

I will be keeping some secrets between the he’s and I, only they will know where they are in my writings.

I want to live my life, not tell or write to you about it.

When I first adopted Murphy and he curled up in my lap, I told him I was going to get a rocking chair, so he and I could be more comfortable.  I told him I could read a book while he was in my lap enjoying our company, sitting and rocking.  Then, Murphy stopped sitting in my lap until fairly recently.

As if someone heard me talking to my own cat and did not like me connecting, creating a bond, and enjoying myself in my own home.  Do you understand this?  With malice, deceit, and effort while I have been living in this house someone or several people have gone out of their way to make sure I do not enjoy or have a bond with my animals.

It is disgusting.

There has been planned events with the wrong oversight and vision in place.  I had wanted to go see the movie Sicario: Day Of The Soldado, then I looked in the mirror and remembered the malicious and cruel acts of my hair breakage and loss.

You will not be seeing me there.  I am putting a stop to it.