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I needed to write a journal.  I needed to journal my feelings.  I needed to work through the feelings I have.  I needed to work out the trauma, the pain, and what I thought was possible.  Then, I discovered on top of everything else I was not real to him.  I was only a job.  A job he was paid for his time to be with me.  Not to mention everything I laid bare for him.

To say I’m hurt is not enough.

I am sick with grief.  Sick.  My mother.  Sick.  My cats.  Sick.  

He treats me as if I am simple and dumb, so for him…I must be.

I never, in my life thought that I was simple and dumb until I entered his world.  I believed the word sincere.  I believed he might have been sincere until the scale and circumstance of my life proved otherwise.

I was only a game.  A job.  Something he was paid to do.

I wish I knew how to write other words other than shame.

The man who used to bring me sunshine used me for money and nothing else.

I wrote a journal for a few days and wrote it to a “Robert Frost” it was important to me to be able to write to a real person rather than a nothing.

My Mistake.

Because of how bad he made me feel I decided to share it.  So, no one else would have to live with the shame of believing in a man who cares not.

I am starting with the last, first.

May 31, 2018

10:04pm

Robert Frost,

I am taking a break from you.

I am taking a break from writing to you, writing on my blog, writing about all the dead bodies and persons I see edited into news stories, from writing about dangerous men I see, sick children, and flirting with you.

I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror, I am too fat and disgusting.  My opinion of myself matters more than anything,

If I do not like myself, then I cannot be myself.

I am going back to where I was before I thought you were a true blue.  Because I am so disheartened and disgusted with myself.

You come and go too often and those you have in the interim are not the same nor do they do well by me.

This is a huge problem for me, and I am sick to death of problems I do not want nor understand.

You are not good for me.

You do not wear well on me.

I am not sure this can be repaired anymore.

Perhaps that means I must change my tastes in movies and films.

Every day this feels more and more like a mistake.

I need to take a break from you.

The truth is I do not feel safe writing here.

The truth is I feel threatened, retaliated against.

The truth, it appears is not something the world wants to read, or things would be different.

I am greatly saddened.  I have lost my mother, and I don’t know the exact date that happened.  I was not allowed to be with her when she passed, while she suffered, in her last days, or at her actual funeral.

I will not be watching a movie simply because of the person who gave her fake eulogy.

There is nothing that can take away the pain of not being allowed to witness my mother’s passing.

I have a family that I am not allowed to see or be a part of.

There is nothing that can take away the pain of not being allowed to be a part of my own family.

There is nothing that can take away the pain of not being allowed to have my cats back.  They are the closest I have to children.  I was led to believe I was going to have to my cats back.

I am greatly saddened.

I am greatly hurt.

There is a great deal of stories that I read I simply do not believe are true or based in factual evidence or fact.

The damage is worse than I thought.

Because I am not safe in writing here – still.

How I miss writing this.

How I miss writing in food.

How I miss men.

I do not feel like writing this.

This is me, pushing myself to write this:

Say you’ll go with me.

Say you’ll go with me to the farmer’s market and empty their stalls of fresh produce.

If I had the means and accessibility I would juice for you.

Carrot juice.

Parsley, parsnips, and apple juiced.

Kale, spinach, and pineapple.

I would juice and juice and juice and purge the body of impurities.  Flush it with fresh water.

Powdered chlorophyll with some mint that refreshes the palate in water – drink plenty of it.

I was offered a job at a local health store that was run out of their garage – true story.  Years later they built a separate building on their property.  I would have made the same pay as I was getting from the job I was working; however, I would not have had benefits.  So, I did not take the job offer.

It is normal to look back on your life and wonder what would have happened had you chosen differently.

The health food store was much closer to my home.  I would not have driven so far, every day.

Perhaps, my brother would never have been in his car accident too?

Truth be told, I am not happy at the moment.

So, say you’ll go with me to the health food store and I will buy everything, so we will every one of us be well.

B-vitamins.  How I miss liquid B-vitamins.  Sublingual B-12.  Your body will never overdose on B vitamins, you will simply pee it out.

Vitamin C, your body will tell you you’ve reach your limit of intake when you have diarrhea until then your body needs vitamin C.

Kefir, acidophilus, your gut health is important to the rest of your organs.

Oil of oregano.  This stuff tastes terrible.  A few drops in water.  It does not taste good, yet it is like an internal scrubber.  Anti-viral.  Good for health in general.

Holy Basil.  For adrenal fatigue, and support.  Can you imagine what would happen if he military invested in nutrition and nutrients like Holy Basil in MRE’s?

It is all I can think of for now.

Perhaps it might not ever happen.

Still, it is a nice thought to have.

There is a frenzy.

This frenzy has become dangerous.

It is time to step away from the congratulatory campfire and return home to families and loved ones.

It is time to stop patting each other on the back, hooting and hollering.

It is time to set aside the big moment and live in the small, every day, mundane minutiae that is life.

Because life is full of routine that does not make front page news, however it is still valuable, or it wouldn’t exist.

Go back to your homes.  Go back to your loved ones.  Go back to friends.  Go back to living life.

Look your family in the eyes.  Individually look them in the eyes, talk to them, tell them what they mean to you, let them hold onto a memory that will live until their dying breath.

Kiss your children regardless of their age.  Kiss and hold them, so they will always remember the love of their parent.  Tell them to their face, look them in the eye and tell them what they mean to you, unashamed, unfiltered, pure, uncompromising, and with greater honesty than you thought you had or knew existed, tell them what they mean to you.  Never let go, yourself, of what it means to you to create a memory with your child that will live in yours and their well of truth that cannot be touched, perverted, changed, or sensationalized.

Hold your children as if your very breath depends upon it.  Hug your family members as if there may not be another chance to let them know or create the memory that becomes the core of their being.

Families are not always related by blood.  Some families are created do not leave these families out.  It is important to belong.

It is a part of what makes us human, belonging to one another.  To matter.

Please go back.

Please go back, hold on to the big moments in life, hold it within your well of truth, measure it, let it live there.

But, please go back to everyday life – and live it.

I will remind you I never had a choice in living the life in am in currently.

If I had a choice it would end immediately.

I miss and want my Tuesday and Thursday back.  This was a wrong.  They never should have been taken.  Because the circumstances of my life were available to persons who were not great thinkers.  It is a terrible, terribleness to use animals as a way of manipulation.

I have not had a choice.

People deserve the right to choose.

This duplicitousness nature and maliciousness being spread around I will not tolerate.

A duplicitousness being used within the American government that I simply will not allow.  Be wary of such inappropriate uses of misleading.

The American government, the American people deserve greater respect than I am seeing these days.  They deserve greater respect than I am reading as well.

Be careful with code.

I caution you to not take it so seriously.

You can take any sentence rearrange the words and letters and turn it into another sentence or wording.

However, if persons and parties do not agree on the meaning, then it is meaningless.

Without meaning, it is nothing more than Scrabble.

Before you see otherwise, let me tell you I was once told by someone that a woman changing her hair was a way to get over a man.  It felt like a pointed comment to me.  Within myself, I stepped back.  It was and is untrue.  I have often changed my hair and hair color.  Partly due to boredom, partly because I believe I am greater than my hair color or style and it does not define my character, abilities, worth, skill, or attractiveness.

I miss you.

For clarification: I am uncertain if this really is misunderstood or just a storyline being asked of me to write about because it is plainly obvious to me that both Elisa and Zelda are the same person.

Ask my garage.

Technically, they are the same person at different times in my life.

You Better Fucking Believe It, Man.

Still Here.