Category: Uncategorized

If you followed the logic with kids doing business that would mean the toilet, the bathroom on the green side is open for business.

How absurd.

Guess what I learned at work today?

No, it is not my job to tell a campaign worker, administrator, or former staff member that she does not belong in a room.

This is what happens when you create associations, they stick around after the person is no longer in the room.  This is what I learned from Michelle Obama, her proxy, and former staff:

What I learned is that the story my mother told me about the House of Orange was something that was told to her to see what I would do with the information and not based on fact.

Guess what I associate Coors Light with?  My mother’s fake funeral.  My mother who I no longer have any feelings about concerning all those years I spent.  Gone.  Nothing but sadness for my loss of life.

While at an ATM, a Hispanic man in the line with me, there is never a line at the ATM, yet this day there was a line.  He started to make conversation.  I didn’t like it.  There wasn’t anything to dislike, he was well-groomed, clean, hair-cut and clothes, but nothing added up, nothing made sense.  Soon after he started talking to me I left, went to my car where my mother was waiting, locked the doors, and left.  He had a tattooed tear under his right eye.

So, nothing is real.  No person I’ve met is real.

Too many cooks in the kitchen.  Not one man.  Not one man in how many years has been real?!

It’s all been a lie.

What reason does that than give a woman like me to want to continue.

I wish I had never moved to Florida.

That man at the side of the road is to be removed immediately!  I want him gone!  He was not outside!  I want him gone!

I will not be returning to the same number – The White House has proven to me to be a complete sham and fake.  That is what I learned last night.

I will not be coding anything else for you anymore!  I am beyond disgusted!  Look at what Michelle Obama did to my face and hair.

I am blaming someone.

The wood-burning stove in a Coffee and Breakfast post is no longer there or allowed in any way.  I will not mention it again.  Beyond disgusted.  They did this to my face and hair.  I will not be returning to the movies anytime soon until this fake fat is off my body!

They care more about that damn car than me, or what I want.  I do not want to live like this.  I want another job.

I am not removing my belt or changing my pants.  Fuck off!  You will have to suffer!  Fuck off!!!!!  My Velcro belt is no longer suitable to wear, I am not buying another.  I will blame the teacher from last night.

I am going back to driving in whatever route I want!  Fuck off!

Nothing in my head, no person ever in my head have I EVER reciprocated any feelings for.  Both the outside voice and my inside voice, or in my head, are me.  Fuck off!

Not my job!

I don’t have to talk to anyone!  I don’t have to say anything!  FUCK OFF!

I will not be buying any more clothes until this fake weight is off my body!  FUCK OFF!

What I learned last night is the events including gas stations were not real, the information was planted in my brain and other tricks, or they would not be working SO HARD against me, disproving me every time I am correct.  This is the reason for art because those events were a complete fake and sham not real in any way.

Before moving here, I used to get Grounds for your Garden from Starbucks.  Every bag they had, I would take and put around my yard.  Then, reuse the bag in some way usually as a trash bag.  It is just smart to reuse something when possible.  This is something that the teacher has taken away from me.  Creating greater waste and hurting the environment.  Let alone not allowing me the freedom of choice.

Not my job.

Day 1,554

I can disinvite you as easily as I can include you.  So, guess who is out of past and future Coffee and Breakfasts?  Persons and a franchise.  Gone.

I want my flat stomach back!

I do not have to write about you or talk about you because I hear you or see you.  When you create bad, ill-feelings, and make me feel bad about myself, I do not need nor have to include you.

My face and body are NOT a canvas.

I want the man on the side of the road gone.  I am done.  Any thinking, reasonable, logical person would do the same after what has been done to my body and mind…for what a game?  To keep a finger score?  He is not real, not to me, not for me, I want him gone.  And, his partner.

I want him gone.  Forever gone.

Coffee only for me.  Have whatever you would like and want.  I have spent too many years like this only being allowed certain foods and products to…I can’t finish this sentence.  I am too upset.

A flower bouquet is what I am making for this Coffee and Breakfast.  I have a pitcher that is a light green from a time before this house, so it was simply a pretty color.  It is made of ceramic, it looks a little shabby-chic.  In this I will place plumbago from my garden and yard, some native fern, a white flower perhaps daisies, red hibiscus – not just a red flower, red hibiscus is red everywhere, the stems and leaves are a burgundy color it is a flower I could take a cutting from stick in the ground and it grows, and my favorite rose, cottage roses, pale pink they are my favorite color for cottage roses.

My laptop knows this as I did research, I found a company that took cuttings from old abandoned properties of cottage roses.  Roses that had been left to themselves and thrived.  A company in Texas.

Roses need room.  Roses will not grow well if they are crowded.  Roses need to have air around the stalks, they cannot be watered at night, a lot of different things are required to grow roses well.  Therefore, they lend themselves so well to formal gardens.

Before moving here, I used to get Grounds for your Garden from Starbucks.  Every bag they had, I would take and put around my yard.  Then, reuse the bag in some way usually as a trash bag.  It is just smart to reuse something when possible.  This is something that the teacher has taken away from me.  Creating greater waste and hurting the environment.  Let alone not allowing me the freedom of choice.

Pale pink cottage roses, old-fashioned, simple, unfettered, dainty, delicate, so pretty.

This is what I give to you, a bouquet.

Day 1,553

What I had planned for Coffee and Breakfast today will have to wait.  I was going to do something different and include all the PK’s – preacher’s kids, turn it around and you get KP’s.  My real father is a PK, a preacher’s kid.  It is a difficult job and you are only a child.

Coffee and oatmeal for me, have whatever you want.  When I am dieting, I do not dream of food.  It is placed out of my mind.  Always has.  Organizing my brain.

Roses and flowers and beer bottles will have to wait for now.

However, time constraints being real, I cannot today.  Look forward to it hopefully, soon.

It must be so nice for you to know that your program works enabling you to predict the shows and movies I will watch next.  It must be so nice for you that I am so predictable, so that you do not have to get to know me in person.

Be aware how very unhappy I am with that man on the side of the road.

Tell me, was the whole purpose for him to “play” against me, to see if he could get me to change fundamental values, views, and beliefs I have such as God and men?

Then, he is a giant loser.  I will say no more on this.

You let every and anyone have access to me?!  Whose brain is it to begin with?!  Mine.  Not yours!  Passing me around from person to person as though that would not have an impact upon me!

Try having one person stay with me for a whole shift and see how exhausted they are at the end of it.  A person does not go to a gym and workout for 10 hours?!  Your thinking is wrong!

What else am I supposed to learn or understand from the ladders being opened other than there has been a breach of security within my home.  Am I supposed to believe it was only in my head?  When upon return to my locked home I discover illegal entries into my home.

What else am I supposed to learn or understand from the events in April other than it was all staged, none of it real, and entirely faked except the damage it did to my head and wanting.  You place items in front of me that connect to each other, then a voice or something, then I think I believe I know the truth when it is possible that it was merely put in on the other side making me believe when it was nothing but a falsehood.

I do not have to prove my writing.  This is not a dissertation; my writing is not a dissertation or a thesis paper that I have to prove!  How many ways to Sunday do I and must I continue to say no or the truth?!

What else am I supposed to understand and learn from the experience.

If I was any good.  You wouldn’t do that.

I am too mad to continue this for now.

Day 1,552.

Just coffee for me.  No time today to talk or share what I had in mind.  Have whatever you want.  I did not get anything done these last three days that I wanted to get done.

No, I will not be going to the movies at this weight.

Cub – buc, buccaneer.

Man – nam, Vietnam.

What’s the question?

I am more logical than have been given credit for.  I am more logical than you understand.

My mother when I was just seventeen or so said the kind of car I should have is an MG.  I immediately said no.

Now, I wonder whose idea it was that I should have an MG hers or someone else?

I immediately said no because I was so aware of my financial position.  How was I going to pay for parts and service on a foreign car?  This was the 80’s service stations were different.

My finances said I was not an MG, I was a slightly used stock factory car still under warranty and original parts.

My personality however, is a convertible MG.  Zipping around town, I would be so cute.

Is this why the pastor at Harborside drove a convertible?  He told a story of his son playing basketball getting a bloody nose with friends, using his shirt to stop the blood.  He stopped for gas on his way home throwing the shirt with blood in the trash where someone at the station called the cops believing he had done a crime and was getting rid of evidence.

I just looked at my pastor when he told me this story.  It felt just like a story and nothing more.  It’s one of those moments where you say to yourself, how do they want me to respond to them?  In a normal conversation you don’t say that to yourself.

Do they want me to forget that I saw David Wolfe (2012 or so) in a car in front of me sitting in the middle of the back seat?

Day 1,551.

I am exhausted.  I am on my third day of non-stop writing that I must get done before I get to my paying job or I get yelled at.

What’s my job?  Because I don’t know anymore.

So far today I have been writing non-stop for eight hours, and I still have a massive list a mile long to accomplish.  I am so tired I was unable to bathe yesterday.  That’s bad.  That is a bad sign.

Since I am having trouble writing about food still this is going to be different – again.

When I had placed my mother in her nursing home I started to do things I had longed to do like go to the beach.  I went to the Ringling Museum in Sarasota.  I could spend days if not weeks with all the artwork they have there.  I took some wonderful photos while there.  I went to Fantasy of Flight, did the zip-line, and harnessed to a wire while climbing a tower stories in the air.  Things I had been wanting to do for years.

The property I had written about previously with the outdoor room built from reclaimed wood I am keeping.  Adding more details.  I have several rescued animals on this property besides my cats.  Horses, dogs, donkeys, some goats, and bird feeders throughout.

In this outdoor room I’ve made a glass wall out of wine bottles that have been enjoyed, epoxied together.  Creating beautiful colors in the sunlight, every so often taking more bottles, creating more colorful light to the wall.

I want to move on.

I want another job.

I am tired and spent.

And disgusted at the moment.