Day 1,544

I am so far behind schedule because I had to take time off to grieve and mourn my life.  I am not creative, nor a thinker surrounded by disorder, chaos, or filth.  So, I am behind yet again.  Unable to go outside, get my packages, or my trash as it is more important to me to get this writing, out of my head to be relieved of it rather than – I am not fucking kidding here – being sent to the showers.

Do you understand this is what they are doing to me?

Sending me to the showers!

Not a single person, company, or agency stops this?!

I work the way I work and not the other way around.  I will neither apologize nor stand down from clarifying and demanding for my rights.  This is not discrimination of any kind to turn it into something it is not is an act of grand dumbness, and nothing more.  As I am having to sit on top of cardboard on my chair because of the damage a person has done improperly to my chair.  Because I dare to write – THE TRUTH!  And not the other way around.

No, I am not going to decode Jungle Book for you, I got it.  I don’t believe it.

Let it be known Murphy’s name upon adoption was Donnie.  I’ll leave you to figure out all the derivatives of the name Donnie.  Murphy with the M under the skull pattern in his fur on his head.

The three boys had so much fun with the strawberry leaves, yummy.  They ate them all.  And, had so much fun!

Lambert’s head has an antler pattern in his fur on his head, but it can be many things.  There is also a skull, it is the smallest and thinnest skull of the three boys, it also can look like a tree.

My brother was born jaundiced.  Some people know this.  Can anyone think of any song lyrics?  My brother and I differ in that my brother takes after our mother’s side of the family and I take after our father.  As far as genes are concerned.

My father’s side of the family is strong and healthy with very few health concerns.  They are Norwegians.  I’ll leave you to the history books if you need to understand more about Norwegians, conquerors, and breeding lines.

Aladdin, I watched only because of one man I saw.  I will write no more about it.

Blood drive, if you wondered why I won’t sign up for a blood drive take a look at my right leg.  I have a bruise on my right calf near my ankle from the first car “accident” that in five years has not yet healed.  I also have a Y shaped spider vein on my right leg.  Yeah, cause that’s normal!

I believe it to be food poisoning.  I do not believe I was anemic and needed surgery.  They did it on purpose.  I will never again believe otherwise.

I will never understand it either why a person or company would want to take away my ability to have children.

I am the last of my blood line.  I will not be able to have an heir.  Is this a royal connection?  If you believe it at all?  Because I will not be able to continue a blood line because I can no longer have children.

I will never understand why they have placed me here without the possibility of being able to have men.

Someone has to pay for the damage done to me.  Someone has to be held responsible for what has happened to me.

You cannot make a person gay.

I am at a loss to understand the reason to be any other purpose for the surgery, this house, and the surgery.

To be clear, I never had cancer.  The reason for my surgery was not because I had cancer.  But, then again there was no reason for me to have surgery either.

So disgusted.

It looked like Brian Wilson in the audience.  I saw him on the side of the road.  At the time, I said I wanted to extend them into my own family.  It’s a brain and heart thing.  I can’t explain.

I saw an ex-wife while driving.  There is so much pain there.

This is a family with a lot of love in it.  There is so much love.

At the time, I said they need to be able to speak to one another because there is so much love.

I heard, does Brian want help?  I said, yes.  The answer has always been yes for him.

I said that what is going on in his head might be manifesting itself physically.

I said it might be helpful to have more than one therapist perhaps at a table discussion, so that Brian could hear more than one person and not feel he is being told what to do.  Allowing him to choose the thinking he finds works best in his well of truth.

But, I am just an hourly wage employee.

There is a woman throwing flowers on stage, there seems to be more than one person as the head doesn’t match the body nor do the mannerisms match the event.

There were actually lots of people.

I have a limit.

It’s like code.  Code is a machine or a program that can function on its own.  Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…it’s a metered-out mechanism.

I have a limit because it cannot be done in the same way it is used in a room.

Having me go back and write, because they demand of me at my paying job, is not how it is used in a room.  There is more than one type of room.  Some are bigger than others.

The way a person talks to each other in a room in not the same way you might speak to them outside of a room.

There is the young blonde man wearing a sweater who on the surface looks fine, yet why does he look like an orphan to me?  Did he get held?  Talked to?  Cuddled?  Played with while growing up without parents?

It is a big deal that I talked about in my head while at work because the children, children become citizens of our future.  They are the doctors, nurses, lawmakers, and the caregivers when we get old and need help taking care of ourselves.

I could go on another multi-page docket about the need to protect our children…I am behind schedule, I am only one person and yesterday was not good for me.

This one I imagine people have been waiting for although my guess he is not a big breakfast person just like me.  I am not writing it in a Coffee and Breakfast, I am going to do something else there instead.  Wearing a long jacket – there is another song there – he was walking in the background of the theatre – this Russian man.

Thinking of a theory while at work they prompted Whoopi Goldberg’s relative to walk by me in hopes I would share my thought – It must be really threatening for a man to see a woman with and using physical strength.

So, he wore the long jacket because she was wearing a long jacket.

The theory being that if there was a “terrorist-type” criminal being detained, they had a captive audience.  They could stream footage to one or multiple persons being held and detained.

Now, I don’t follow this thinking because it is illogical.

Listen, it is illogical for any person to not want for the betterment of all of man-kind.

However, if a man of a certain thinking saw me with great strength, unashamed how very threatening it would be to his thinking as I would be seen as an equal in thought, in respect, and position.

An equal who could stand beside him.

Let me remind you there is an Old Testament and a New Testament.  We live in New Testament times.

Another essay I could write about the purpose of living by grace, but I would rather write other stories.

At times, I quite despise puzzle pieces.  I am of the complete and absolute understanding that people do not have the complete truth – I do.

When I was trying to sell put family home – I never should have done, I should still be living there – a family, who appeared to be of Indian descent “pretended” to look at my home as if they were going to buy it.

How they lied to my brother.  How they lied to my father.  How they pretended and lied to my mother.

This family, the “grandfather” type ate pistachio’s.  He left pistachio shells throughout my home.  Who does that?  Who walks around a house as if it is the outside?!

Can you un-see a person?

Can you go back in time a never meet a man?  Never see his face or body?  How I wish this was possible.

I don’t believe in this anymore.  I believe it is all tricks and ways of putting information in my head rather than the real thing.  If it was the real thing, I would be getting better communication, credit.

I am writing specifically that this is not real.  Because to me this is real.  There needs to be more done for me, I will write no more about the lack on your end.

I always say it the same way, I always take my calls the same way, I always spiel the same way.  This I said more than once when I worked at Hilton.  I explained to more than one supervisor, it was a strategy I used to make sure I would get my scores the company used as grading to ensure quality.  I said my spiel the same every time so that I did not have to think, there could be no question.  It also allowed my supervisors to have faith in me and my work.  This is not the first time I used this way of working.

Using a former football player was done not for me, or for sports.  I believe they wanted me to write about this for some reason.

When I left Hilton, people know about this, yet it seems not every person involved is aware of this information.  When I left Hilton, I was in shock as I was at such a loss over David Wolfe.  When I returned to school in the fall and he was no longer there it was not the same for me anymore.  He meant so much to me I was in shock that a man in my life was gone – forever.

His best friend Andrew something…did his last name start with an S…I never formally met him.  However, I believe one afternoon after class Andrew followed me to my car calling my name, I didn’t turn around, Andrew gave up and left.

My guess is David missed and needed me too or his friend wouldn’t have tried to contact me.  Perhaps it is best that we never got to be friends again.  I was in shock and mourning a friendship gone.

If you are interested – Fair Game.  Opening montage, blonde woman in black and tan or khaki (for shoes I wore) is me at Hilton, men at back of truck all different pictures edited together, is this the VP of a different color?  Close shot of man’s eyeballs – real video of an interrogation.

Is this a picture of Oliver Stone?

Man, on bus meant to look like a Roy Campbell, eyes, not real color or shadow – FUCKING PROBLEM!

Belly of a man at the airport – HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM!

Operative, I see, I will not tell you the direction.

Are you actually using surveillance footage…of like, Saddam Hussein palace and residence and piecing it into films?  Or just mine?

Goddammit!  Who is facing me at the bar?!

No, I don’t like him.  This man walking opposite of a heavier version of a “me”.  No, no, no, no, no.

These two men at the table…are working?  Watching.  Real.

Don’t tell me that curly-haired boy-man is a real royal?

No, don’t tell me that man wearing a guard’s uniform is not that bad man I think he is.

Execution feet while Bush is speaking?!

I don’t know this spliced together face of the UK, but it is not all that it appears to be,

Mass murderer – you cut his hair and shaved his beard to shame him, tell me he is not a mass murderer.

Bad kid.

Or none of this is real at all.

You should know as I am sending this to my blog, I’ve dumped this information out of my head.  I will not retain it.

How many jobs do you expect me to have and do anyway?

Some people will find this information interesting.  The last grade I finished in public school was ninth.  I was home-schooled for a while went to night school, but the last grade in public school was ninth.  Then, ten years later I went to college.

Day 1,543.

Day 1,542 – this is how long it has been since I have been segregated and separated from the human population and world.  I calculated it from April 1 of 2014 that is approximately how long I’ve known this house; my life is a complete sham and charade.  I discovered this because of that worst dating experience of my life.

And, everyone involved knew how I would respond and react and that it would send me into a life of complete separation from men, my family, and relationships.

I want my life back.

Talking is important.

Hands are not enough.  My hands are not enough, they never have been.

People – men and women were not created to live alone, or God would have stopped when he made man.  He created men and women, so they could have each other.

I have been a subject of heterosexual discrimination since before I moved here, or I would be allowed to have male relationships and men in my life.

I am not interested in reporting or writing about what I see every night.  I want a real life with a real man I can really talk to, make love to, and be provided for.

A Theory

A theory: if you are to take the show Electric Dreams and use parts of it as real, then here is my theory.  A person or persons – who had no business whatsoever to do this as I have never lied about my sexuality, orientation, or anything – with their own agenda could not “read” me one way or another.  Because there is a difference between me caring about a person’s sexual orientation and it applying to me.

No, I am not going to go on a writing rampage about seeing that woman who is not my grandfather or that woman on a motorcycle.

So, with great cruelty and degradation they set a trap to permanently injure, harm, sever, my sex, my sex-life knowing it would forever change me.

It is so very hurtful, harmful, and cruel I can barely write about it.

Remember I have been followed and surveilled for decades.  They know who I am.  They make excuses for their actions – nothing more.

What could be the purpose of placing a man in a skin-suit to date me and have sex with me?

I will only ever be able to see it as a rape since they defrauded not only the website that I used to try and meet men, but also the persons who participated.

They knew I was aware of things without complete knowledge.

They knew how I would react once I discovered the deception.

They knew that once I realized the person was not the man he said he was that his penis was not real that I would never want to have sex again.

That I would never want to have sex again.

They knew it.

They did work on me.

I believe they did the work so that I would never want to have sex with a man again.

To shame, degrade, and humiliate me so thoroughly that I would never want to have sex with a man again.

It can be the only reason.

The woman walking in front of my house with a motorcycle helmet on pretending or trying to be a man this morning is another example of it.  This is also why I will not write about the hate crimes you tried to make me believe.

I am not gay.

You cannot create, make, or force a person to be gay.

It would be the same as telling a gay person they are only able to have sex with straight people.  Or, trying to turn a gay person straight.  It is the same thing.

It is so hurtful that any person would go to such great lengths to injure me, my sex, my sex-life, and my sexual orientation – I am beyond words.

This includes every person involved with it – including David Wolfe, including that man on the side of the road.  Because that man on the side of the road has been playing against me.  Please stop lying to me.

A man like that on the side of the road would never be interested in a woman like me.

I am attracted to a man like that, but he will never be attracted to me.

Please stop lying about love and marriage.

A man does not meet a woman, then plan separation for years and years.  A woman does that.  A man will always choose flesh.  A man does not hold out, a woman does that.  A man will always choose a younger, thinner, prettier woman.  Always.

To clarify: The woman/madam in Sherlock Holmes, in that episode – this confuses people because not every bit, not every detail is exact, they did not believe I would be able to create the connections or puzzle pieces – when John Watson says, I am not gay, and she says, well, I am – this dialogue line is my brother.  So, confusing to people not to me.

In that instance, I am John Watson, she is my brother.  My brother is gay.  I am not.  It is a here and there bits and pieces.  Since, there is this mind-set of neither confirming nor denying rather than verifying facts, I am constantly having to correct faulty and wrong thinking and arrangements.

They used my brother and his phone to speak to me.  My brother was constantly getting calls from a Sebastian, I did not want to pry, but it did not seem real.

To clarify: If anyone is interested, I am not concerned or allowing days of the week, or numbers, or any electronic devices to rule, govern, or decide anything for me – just like everyone else in the rest of the world.

Your rules no longer apply, they never did.

A great uneasiness is wearing on me.  An uneasiness I can’t quite explain nor understand.

It started sometime yesterday that had nothing to do with the brilliantly minded pizza delivery man.  He is a bit off the charts, isn’t he?  He is in a spectrum and stratosphere unlike anything I’ve seen or have been around recently.

What must that be like to be so high on the IQ numbers?  Does the rest of the world seem dull in comparison?

The closest way I can explain what I saw – if this is real – is his brain, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, his brain neurons firing in every direction at once and he is able to watch, look, see, and understand it all at the same time.  Magnificent.

Please do not take “bing” and turn it into anything other than a sound effect or visualization.

Can we please stop being dumb?  Dumb = B, mud.  Sorry, I am working on too many things at the same time.  I mean nothing serious by the code.

As I am looking up the word neuron to make sure what I mean is the actual meaning because I can understand things, words, theories, etc. without the education.  I can understand things I shouldn’t based on my education, background, and experience.

I remember my mother remarking about it when I spoke about something when I was still single digit young.  This is a good example of how the public-school testing failed me, as well as, teachers failed me.  Too much to share now.

Either this is real or it is not.  They do a lousy job of letting me know when I am right.  When I am correct.  I go to work only to be yelled at for doing the correct thing.

No, I don’t want to go faster at work.  The numbers are too high.

There was no reason for me – EVER – to be yelled at or any negative communication whatsoever!

Need I remind you I am the reason any of you are here to begin with!  Not the other way around!  It is my brain FIRST!  Not the other way around!

They do a terrible job of communicating with me to me when I am correct!

I am standing in my doorway trying to remember the tip I had already calculated when I stop because I want to know who this pizza man is.  It threw me for a moment since he works to capture very dangerous people.

So, either I did that on my own, or they did that.  Which is it?!

If you saw them, these very dangerous people you would see how Hollywood has nothing on the real thing.  Acting is an art.  Dangerous people are criminals.  They are worlds apart and a huge difference to be made.  They are not the same thing.

Somebody needs to start telling me – truthfully – rather than trying to skew the response or results.

To be clear, I am not taking God out of the equation because He is real.  God does exist.  The fact that they have a sign that says “You belong here” has nothing to do with a shirt I own.

Let me explain, “It’s a brain thing, you wouldn’t understand” has to do with “you” = Universal.  Universal is where I received my license plate DJD G13.  Going back to a bad dating experience that never should have happened, I will write more about it in another writing.

DJD G13 – should never have happened.  You’ll read about it.  What a terrible injustice that has been done to me.

You do not have to believe me when I say God exists.  But, He does.  He knows me.  We’ve talked.  We talk all the time.  It’s just…that…we used to talk better before moving here and everything that has gone on with it.

I didn’t want to do this because I do not believe in it anymore.

I do not believe in my work anymore.

However, last Tuesday night for me, June 19, 2018 what a terrible person.  Either I heard the behavioral psychologist, or they told me that is who he was when I heard his voice.  His voice was Monday, June 18, 2018.  Then, I hear, no – I know based on how I feel not a good person is sharing my brain.

You do realize I do not get to say no?!

It takes several minutes.  10?  15?  Or less?  Time is so meaningless since it is so long during the night.  I cannot determine an exact number.

When…

SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE.

If this is real at all this one was different in that this person wants…I said she wants to hurt herself.  While at work I said in my head, she as I believed it was a woman, wanted to kill herself.  I said it was gruesome.  I said I hope she is not around any children because that would be a bad thing and dangerous.

However, this is not the complete truth.  I felt she wanted to kill herself because she wants to hurt and kill others.

I don’t know if she has a specific person or persons, she has “this” in her that she cannot get rid of and she believes harming others and harming herself is the answer.

It is NEVER the answer.

Never the answer in reference to the “this”.  Some people will understand “this” I cannot go on a 100-page dissertation about the exact meaning of one word.

This woman needs help.

God help us.

God help us all.

Either it is real, or they place it all in my brain.

If it is real – I want some goddamn credit!

Or, leave me alone!

An uneasiness.  I want it gone!

Still, unbelievably upset.

I am so tired, I must be dehydrated.

To clarify the reason, I heard President Trump give a specific number was a way of speaking through actors.  James Franco being brown-haired, brown-eyed.  They want me to believe in that man by the side of the road.  I cannot anymore.

I cannot when I have been so deceived.

It appears to me what has happened was not actual events taking place in real time rather more like a video being displayed and shown in my head.  Otherwise, what was the point of making me so terribly ill and sick that lasted so many days?  If not to incapacitate or influence my brain and mind.

My desire for food has left me entirely.  Therefore, I am not really living anymore.  This was done purposefully.  Because I was writing to men.  Although not every writing was just to men, nonetheless, I was writing to men.

I have been segregated from the human population since before 2012.  I have been denied male companionship and male relationships since 2012.  Of course, my whole being, and body is in such need and want I cannot put the feeling and emotion into words.

There is no reason I should be separated or segregated from the entire human population and male relationships.  None.  It is immoral.

I will not apologize for deleting apps or devices or games that used me to control my purchases and freedom of choice.

Every day I go to work to be yelled at, made fun of, laughed at, put-down, made to feel less than, treated as though my life is meaningless while being denied human relationships, my animals, and male relationships.

I do not have a choice.

You do.

Life is meant to be enjoyed.  No, I do not want to hurry up.  I want to enjoy my life, my work, and what I am doing.

Can you imagine this – this has been my life since 2014.  Hurry up, be a race car driver – now.  Hurry up, be an actor – now.  Hurry up, be a comedian – now.  Hurry up, be a detective – now.  Hurry up decode – now.  Hurry up, be an activist – now.  Hurry be, a leader – now.  Hurry up, be an artist – now.  Hurry up, and cry – now.

At the drop of a dime I have been expected to change from one “role” to another as if that is at all possible.

For instance, if a person is a race car driver they live on the track.  Spending time there.  Mentally preparing.  Training and so forth.  A person does not fall in and out of a career path, or job like you are changing the subject in a conversation.

It is the same if a person is a leader, manager, or any other job.

Truthfully, I am not interested in writing at the moment about the black truck I saw on my way home from work yesterday.  Not enough has been done for me.  Showing me a civic in a garage is not enough.

This idea of not really communicating does not work in this capacity.  It never has.

This is nothing personal Barack Obama.  I am simply demanding I receive more acknowledgement, credit, and the right to my own life and opinion.

I am beyond tired of being turned into a yelling machine.

What I see anymore is the only reason for persons to be placed in my vision is to create this false immersion experience that tries to make me believe I am participating in a movie or experience that I am not, and to sway my movie purchases.

I see no reason anymore for privileged conversations.

Talking Computer: Privileged Communication – June 13, 2018

1. I am here at my computer because I have nowhere else to get rid – if nothing else – of this information.
2. If I see any more pictures and so on like my post about Religious Experience I do not feel it is in my best interest to share on my blog. However, I want to share it.  Otherwise, what is the point of seeing it.
3. I am at a loss again because it seems I am the only one who does not understand what is going on. I don’t like this.  I never have.
4. Now, I am having a problem with the head gear. Did I arrive at that conclusion or did someone place it in my head?  The past I can be certain of because your mind tricks were not there.  So, I am unable to fully appreciate, grasp, feel compelled, or believe.

I believe I did say it my head that the hunched or turtle-backed man seemed grateful.  He was the man on the left in 12 Strong and the man at the meeting was on the right.  I saw this burden for his people similar to a robe – not a bathrobe, a royal robe, draped down his back past the sides and back of his body.  He has a great love for his people.  I saw rocks in the landscape of his country, I could almost see the shape of his country.  The rocks were pitted with holes, burrows, wind and water erosion, of this like.  I saw there must be natural beauty, with water.

I believe that was his daughter that I saw.  It was a close match, but not really.  I saw bubbly, light things, like pop culture.  However, it is not in any dismissive way.  She is educated.  I just saw things she is interested in.  How much she is shielded from the problems and hard decisions.

Was this real or put into my head?

The other man, I felt he was studying me for some royal reason.  This made me a little crazy.  Looking at me to see and judge if I could be related.  I didn’t respond to the black and white motorcycle jacket because it was too vague its meaning could not be certain.

Now, I believed it was he who used the “helmet” for lack of a better word that felt like I had been lifted up a few inches or I was standing taller and it was – serene.  He did so, I believe, to show where he thinks from.  It demonstrates great purposeful thought.  Also, what he has and who he is goes beyond loyalty or duty.

I always return to if I was any good.  If I was special I wouldn’t be where I am.

June 15, 2018 – 4:15 am.

Conspiracy Theory: A reason for a good news story would be able to divert attention and resources away from another story or event from being interfered with.  Such as the Casey Anthony story that doesn’t make sense to me.  The Boston Marathon bombing.  Lots of stories that don’t make sense to me.  They could be true.  I just don’t understand them.

Conspiracy Theory:  Because it does not make sense that Princess Diana’s driver was allowed to drink alcohol.  It appears as if no one was supposed to survive that crash.  So, if no one was supposed to survive then it would be a suicide car killing.  Who would have anything to gain if they were killed?  None of it really adds up for me.  I could not see anything from the crash photos because they are soooooooooo – touched – for lack of a better word.  Because the driver was allowed to drink alcohol it implies complicity.  How is it that the driver was not watched or governed?  Unless, the driver never had any alcohol and it was placed by some other means into his system.

A head on crash, where there were no cars impeding traffic.  I remember something about motorcycles, however that seems so unlikely to be able to cause a crash.  It looks deliberate.

This is just a theory and thinking through thought and nothing more.  Don’t get carried away.

Beyond tired as I drag myself out of bed.  I nearly killed myself getting less than a few hours of sleep to write Two Presidents before I went to work.  For what?!  To constantly be told over and over again I am not good enough.  I am not valued.  I am not a valuable person not just to my employer, but to anyone?!

Last night I said, it must really be threatening to see a woman with physical strength.  Because I am trying to understand why they placed such a man in my brain.  I have an extremely physically demanding job.

I have no choice but to work or die.  I have no choice in where I work.

There was no other reporting or news of the events that took place on 4/23/2018 or 4/24/2018.  I believe much of what happened was not real – it was a trick.  You have lost all credibility with me.

This re-training and re-educated I have had to endure amounts to nothing more than the worst case, series, and experience of racism I have ever seen before under the disguise of work.

Am I the only one that can see how if EVERY single black man, woman, and child, every African-American man, woman, and child – IS A VILLAN – how unbelievably damaging, harmful, beyond any gross miscarriage of justice, it is sick and disgusting.

It is not merely a matter of actors portraying villains.

There is a way they have of being able to create a quasi-emotion in my head that is not real.  There is no reason for this.  There is no reason someone should be in my head creating an emotion or vision that is not real.

You chose wrong when you chose sports, you have lost all credibility for me.

If it is not real, I have no reason to protect anyone.

If it is not real, I have no reason to communicate with anyone about any threats, dangers, or persons.

You have not done enough for me.  Your communication sucks.  Your communication is beyond lousy.

Sat = San Antonio, Texas, Riverwalk.  AM = Ma.  My mother is dead.

When I am correct.  When I see someone and say, he is a good kid, his mother did a good job, or he is someone’s brightness and there are giggles around him.  If this is real and what I see alone – you have failed to give me the smallest amount of credit, communication, and acknowledgement.

You owe me more than a coke.

A small person is unwilling to give praise, or compliments, or credit, encouragement, what is done to me on a daily basis is shameful.

Where is the outrage that I must endure this life without a man of my own?

Since, it is not real I will be going public with my writings I believed were protecting information.

Every morning when I go to make coffee, there is Lambert talking and talking.  Still the skinny boy begging for food on the street.  Lambert lives off of love.  Truly what he lives for is love and to be loved.

He and I are not that different.  The only difference being I have gone my whole life without being loved.  I have only been able to give love.  I have yet to receive love.  My whole life.

I want my life back.  Virtual partners, virtual boyfriends, virtual is not living.  Virtual never works.  Not in the capacity that I have had to endure.

Dies = side

In all the writing I did in the last few days that is basically demanded of me and not of my own desire what I get in return is more demanding.

Seven feet tall?  I wish my vision had been better.  Something has to give way when so much is demanded everything is not possible or the world would be a different place.  It is as if those in charge how no understanding that time exists and takes – time.  It is not a video game.

Seven feet tall?  He was exceptionally tall.  As I was driving they were trying to make me laugh, I said no.  Why I had been thinking about Cirque du Soleil in Orlando, and the strong man, I have no idea.  He was my favorite.  I have no idea why.  I used to just watch him.  The movement.  How does someone come up with such a character?  There must be something else to him.  Had I known my brain and what it was capable of I might have had better understanding.  He is not an obvious choice for a favorite.  Then, he went away and was replaced with another man who was not the same for me.

I believe he is Russian.  The strong man that I thought was so interesting to watch.

If you do not see the connection it is because I watched Stargate where reading and writing were not allowed, and I had not yet written about Cirque or the strong man.

They want me to write about Tuesday, she loved Bear.  Tuesday used to let Babee Bear bathe her like a mother cat would do.  It was somewhat difficult to watch at times.  Tuesday loved Bear, almost devoted to Bear.  Must have been a protector and provider kind of thing, or simply because he had so much person about him.

Babe Bear was my cat.  He was entirely devoted to me.  Walking the perimeter of our house chasing other cats off his property.

Because Bear was so important to me Thursday made sure he was friends with Bear too, he also loved Bear.  Bear was always patient with these two younger kittens.  Even though he was in a great deal of pain.  It was not just in his walk, I could see his pain.

Bear was not the most photogenic, I think because he was looking at me and not the camera.  Thursday knew the camera was ok.  He said its fine, take a picture.  He was my brightness.

Not every person has a human animal bond experience and until you have you will never truly appreciate it and its loss.

I am not interested in giving attention to those I believe are unworthy of my time and attention.  I will not write about either of them.

Full Sail University = FSU = Florida State University believes they are doing something clever, I find it dangerous and unwise.  I will write no more.

Taliban = IT, AL, Alabama, al – Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Paul Simon, ban = denied access.

I miss writing in food.  I am too heavy.  No desire for food.

If you have missed it two men are out of my mind, heart, and life for me.

Problems have consequences.  Men who allow problems and consequences of no merit – Someone has to be held responsible for what happens to me.  When all that I do is what is asked of me and I am too sick and disheartened to continue writing the rest of the sentence.

The brown-eyed man on the side of the road, it is final for me.  I cannot pretend anymore.

The wax-man, it is the same.  I am tired of being lied to and mind games that were not real.

What is the point of these people if I can see without them?  You chose wrong.  It will never be sports.

Did I or did I not see Marcel Marceau?  That is a relative of his?  Did I not see that?  Or did you?

You must confess and admit my vision far exceeds what you think is vision.

People do not look to a television program to tell you the truth of the reality.  It is only entertainment.

He, Marceau wanted to entertain and have a conversation at the table.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.  Because that would be entertaining and interesting.

I want my life back.

If you think I am going to change anymore from wearing jeans while at work, you are mistaken.  I saw you.  I will not be wearing shorts anymore.

If you think I am going to wear athletic or yoga pants at work to be destroyed, you are mistaken.

Taliban = IT, Information Technology, LA, Los Angeles or the state of Louisiana, ban, denied access.

There was an incident I had with my mother at a Ruby Tuesday, I was so upset I was going to go back and let it be known.  However, not every battle won, is won through words.

Your sports request is DENIED!  As it has been from the beginning.

If you think, I am going to write a piece about the white hate group beating up gays and laughing about it, then you are mistaken.

Your mind tricks have proven to me to be nothing more.

I am fucking pissed.

I want my life back.

If you think I am doing anything other than wearing clothes I have as I take out the trash, you are mistaken.

If you think I am going to apply for jobs and STOP because of any wording such as purple eater, then you are mistaken.  If I did not apply for a job ever again because of a number, location, or any wording I would never get anywhere!

I want another job.

You fucking morons!

This is nothing more than busy work!

I have done nothing these last three days other than write – to correct!  Non-stop!  Without a break!

Fuck off!