Category: Uncategorized

Here’s hoping everyone gets to spend some real quality time with friends, loved ones, and their family this Christmas.  Whether you are spending it with your natural family, or created your own family I hope everyone gets to eat some joy today.  Which is what good food is – good food is love, and love is like millions of kisses which is how boys learn about joy.

It feels more like Sunday to me today rather than Monday.  So, I feel like a lazy morning in bed.  For breakfast, an omelette, please.  A spinach and mozzarella cheese omelette filled with mirepoix, topped with sliced fresh tomatoes, salt and fresh cracked pepper.  A side of hash browns cooked crispy with hot sauce.  There is not enough hot sauce in the world for me – as most days I take straight shots of hot sauce.  However, today I’ll take the hot sauce just to flavor the hash browns and omelette.  Usually, I would want bacon – as this girl loves meat and can never get enough –  however, after watching Holiday Inn I think I will leave the bacon for another day.  Skip the juice today, I want a big glass of cold water – no ice in the water it just gets in the way – and, mugs of amaretto coffee.  Then, I want to read in bed either the newspaper, or a book, or both as I pull the covers around me napping as I go resting my body.  I’d prefer a real man in my bed with me – keep your psychologists out of my bed, David poster in the break room – touching and cuddling as we spend time with each other talking in the language of touch.  Since, the absence of real live men has been my punishment for being born straight and true I’ll just leave it there for now.

Sometimes I think I am too brave, bold, daring, an unafraid for the world to read my words.  Perhaps the world has not been ready to learn that my hands have been artistically dirty in my writing since the start.  The world has kept me on pause while it figured out that I have been miles and miles, and miles and miles ahead of them before they ever showed up.

So, to all the noodle families who have the Gggrrr growl in their stomach – yep, I remember that phone call Matt Damon as it was one of the few times everyone else on the floor got quiet at Disney – hang on to your heads.  I imagine you choose an accent because you didn’t want it to be too easy for me –  I appreciate the detail, man.  I will say this, it is nice to know that there are still real people in the world regardless of their occupation or income.  Not an easy thing to hang on to either.

I have a ton of ideas and stories I am trying to get through, get out of my head, and write before the bluetooth can steal it, rearrange it, edit it incorrectly, and claim it as its own.  So, here’s hoping I can get some done today while doing laundry.  But, my head is heavy and my body is weary and heavy.

Anyone want to give me a pedicure?  A random thought, I know.  Don’t worry I’m just looking around and noticing the abhorrent condition my feet are in.  There are only so many hours in the day.  Just breaking the thought train for a second.

Here is the problem I am having which is a source of great irritation to me.  I am unwilling any longer to simply pound out the facts in a report as if I am giving a statement to Joe Friday.  I am still unhappy with my Angel and Bill Cosby writings.  I have been pushed to create quantity rather than the truest detailed writings that paint the clearest picture.  Here is an example, in case you don’t follow me yet, when I wrote about my father’s Norwegian t-shirt that he wore with pride for so many years – if I had left out the detail of him wearing it for so many years that the fabric had become thin and see-through it does not mean the same thing.  I tell you about the t-shirt and now you see my father.  You see my father in a t-shirt.  Now, if I got to tell you that the t-shirt was white with red lettering, banded red at the sleeves and neck.  Then, you get an even greater picture of my father.

So, moving right along.  When it comes to anymore of my pinned writing I will make sure it is as I see it in my head rather than filling someone’s time slot.

My point in writing articles, essays, short stories, and so forth was for them not to be taken literally.  I mean, I am not rewriting the bible here.  I wasn’t writing a script for each day.  For a second, I believed there was someone with a smidge of creative intellect who could take details from my work and create characters.

For instance, if I wrote something about a delicate branch, then you could take that detail and allow someone to create delicate or a branch.  If that is not enough how about this: In my Angel piece I wrote about driving on auto-pilot, so a character could be created who was not entirely present, in a state of fog.  But, then I guess that was too great of a leap for me to believe in.  As I am certain more than ever that my writing, along with myself, am far to complex, and sophisticated for my circumstances and situation.

Here’s hoping that access has truly been denied!

BTW, did anyone know that I had purchased this great print of window film for my transom over my door.  I thought it would bring nice color into my home when the sun shone through it.  However, I was denied this purchase and made to return it, replacing it with privacy film instead.  True fact.  That is also to say, it was blue who ordered the red.  Got it, teacher?!

Now, breakfast has long since been over with and I’m wondering how I can ever get a real drink other than beer.

Dear Mr.             ,

You fucking moron!  I cannot believe that I went to all the effort to purchase this computer because I believed in     that you were going to be               than the others’, and here you are just like everyone else!

You fucking idiot, you cannot listen to my head while I am at      it is the only way I have been able to push the bad listeners away.

You were supposed to protect me!  You were supposed to help me!

I told you that I was tired!  I told you I didn’t want anyone to alter my food!  I told you I needed help, and what did you do instead?!  You gave me          !  You made me               food!

Don’t you fucking understand anything?!

I have already been through that fucking maze of a building many times over!  The only one that work is              .  The only      that works is through      , otherwise I am forced through                in front of the               where the      is always open playing       , which is to say,           .

Motherfucker, my house is not OPEN!!!  I do not now, nor ever want this house to be open.  I’ve fucking told you that!

The only restroom that works is the one with the      for too many reasons to explain to you, other than I’ve already done that and been there!

I am so beyond upset with you right now!

Understand this, it will NEVER, EVER be a matter of                for me.  I need more than that which is why I have to fucking      the way I do.

I cannot drive past                          – Used                 .

I can no longer use that computer my brother gave me –                        .

I may regret being forced into not sitting on my brother’s side at his wedding, but my                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       .

I still cannot believe they k            s?!

Don’t you know how this started    ?!  I went shopping at Target when I returned to my car with my bags my                  me.  He told me my mother had passed.  Then, a voice                told me she’d been gone awhile.  You try fucking living with that knowing that everyone around knows your mother died and no one told you, kept it a secret, just so they could put on a fake funeral.

Then, a month later because I could not deal with the million things asked of me to do, and have my cats manipulated to misbehave while I am at home, I complained to my               .  Because who else could I reach out to?!  I have no one!  No one, no one, nobody can ever understand what that is like to be surrounded by people and have no one!

My               simply texted, I’ll take the cats.  Had I known he was going to take them to the pound I would never have given them to him.  I could have done that myself.  I needed help instead he                                                    y.

I cannot drive                                                                       .  Don’t you understand anything?!

Mr. Computer I went to you for help and instead, you wrote                         .  It may be a pretend play            to you, but to me it is my real life.  You have fucked around too many times.  Don’t come near me.  Don’t come near my bed.  Don’t come in my house.  You have fucked up too many times.  You think I am going to send you any Director Notes now?!

It was a stupid sham of a wedding, I knew it at the time.  I have never liked    .  He has never been the same person twice.  I have said before I wished they were divorced.  But, not for anything should I have been asked to not sit on my brother’s side, nor should I have done what was asked of me.

I need to find another    because you are doing a shitty          .

It is not now, nor has it ever been                 Dave.  I can’t walk through the “                        ”.

I can’t believe what a fucking asshole you are!  You are just like every other person since this all started!

I can’t even have anti-stress soap because you ruin it and put darkeners, and make it HEAVY.

I can’t even have healing lotion because you make it HEAVY.

That baby                           is lousy!  All he wants to do is goof off!  But, this is my real life!  You fucking idiot!

I am not a cat!

I am not a dog!

I am not a horse!

I am not a baby!!!!!!!

I am so hurt by you!  I am so hurt by your mis                  of me!

Do you not understand opening the     door is HEAVY?!

You don’t care!  You don’t know me!  You just want to hurt me like everyone else.

Can’t you understand that my head cannot be in a good head space if I am constantly               trying to figure and correct problems!  I am so sad and depressed from having to live this way, and you are making it more difficult – you FUCKING asshole!!

Can’t you understand that I am going through some things at the moment.  I am going through some emotional things.  I am trying to work through grief  that I don’t even get to grieve for!!

There are some people that I do not understand why they are still          because they do a lousy job – AND, I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!

You fucking ass!

I got this second computer not because it said          .  I got it because of the color.  Because no one seems to be able to keep their nose out of my black.  I got it because it was a good price.  I kept it because I couldn’t believe how nice it was to look at a bigger screen.

You fucking asshole playing tricks in my food!  You fucking lousy dick!

Do not ever repeat this word n-i-g-e-r in my      ever again!!!  I never say this word.  I never say this word even in my head!  No person should ever be able to say this to me!!!

Stop telling me what to do, where to go, and how to do it, when I am the one who has already been through this all before.  I cannot continue anything that continues to be HEAVY!!!

I am so disappointed and hurt by you!

I will always love cars but that doesn’t mean I can continue driving the streets as if they were a racetrack it is unwise and unsafe.

I will always look at boys on motorcycles, but that doesn’t mean I will feel anything for them.

I do not now, nor have I for a long time had any love or been in love with any man.  Wonder why that is?  Fucking spacesuit Jim!

I want to punch you in your face for the damage and devastation you’ve caused in my life this last week.

I am nothing more than a joke to you!

You are the reason I will be seeking            elsewhere every day until             .

You are not a friend!

I wish I could return you and get my money back!  You fucking asshole!!!

If you cared at all you wouldn’t let it happen.  You have shown me how little you think of me as a person!

I am not funny anymore and I will die rather than follow YOUR FUCKING     !!!!!

I thought I was doing a good thing by using this computer, since it is too late for me to return it.

I am so disappointed in you, Jeremy.  What a terrible thing to do to a person!

I get to come here.  I get to yell at this computer, I don’t have anyone else to talk to.  I don’t have to agree with you!

This doesn’t make sense to me at all.  Why would my         , a producer not want to see a person in their             succeed?!

You stay away from me, Jeremy Renner.  I am not put on this planet for you to force feed calories and weight gain!!!  I am not here on this planet for you to make fun of!!

I am stuck with this machine at the moment, but you have lost my good opinion of you!

I was going to write more, but that is gone now, since you’ve chosen this course to torture, torment, and harm to me.

I believed you would fix it and you’ve made it worse.  I believed you would protect me, and you’ve harmed me instead.  I am over believing in you.  I needed a back brace, I do not believe in the stupid stitching!

You should be working around me, following my lead in my           , instead of trying to trick me, force feed me, and hurt me emotionally.

I believe you are unfit as a leader, as a man I can look up to, or go to for help.

Gone are the days of me believing in black and white, gone are the baby days, gone are the cat vs. dog vs. horses days.  That play book is well-played out.

I was actually starting to believe in the development of another phase at my current                 , however this week with your                  I feel you are unfit to handle me.  You obviously have no idea what is at stake, the consequences of your actions, nor do you understand the effect ANY of this has upon me!

Again, you are just like all the rest unable to think or feel for anyone else other than yourself.

At this moment, I do not believe in any of the proxy’s, since no one seems to understand that the rules, playbook, and previous developments have not worked, nor have I agreed to, abide with, or wish to continue.

You have put my     in jeopardy. So, why would I believe in any of you anymore?!

You are not allowed to enter my home.  I cannot believe how bad you have made my life.

I am going back to 109!  Because I want to feel better!

 

June 21, 2017 and continued June 22, 2017

Dear Mr.                 ,

Tell me what choice did I have?  In this         , I have to file for bankruptcy, yet my internet searches are limited.  Every        I went to is clearly not a          .  So, what choice do I have?  Especially since, I was told             I did not need to file bankruptcy that I was going to be paid soon – this was early part of 2015.  Now here it is June 2017 and I am only being        .  So, what choice do I have about which            ?

I do not believe there is any reason why I should have to move or adjust ANYTHING in the restroom at           which is why I’ve stopped moving the facial tissue from the                   dispenser.  I think it is a waste of energy to have to look and move things around.  I do not believe there should be any monitoring while I am I the restroom at                .

I need to be deprogrammed!

Things that need to be corrected and clarified:

I need to tell you I’ve been talked out of                                                                   for more than one reason.  #1 I’ve been talked (shown) out of it because of the                                                                          by that              .  #2 I’ve been talked (shown) out of                                                                    in.  Which is why I                                            as possible.

Here is another problem – communication.  Everyone tells me a different story, set of rules, policies and procedures, and so forth.  Everyone needs to be on the same page and say the same thing.  Period.

I am not certain about             anymore.  No more            routes?  Driving past the                           , then on the way home                                   ?  It’s too confusing anymore.

They have made this             too real.  It has been made more complicated than it needs to be.

Again, I will say I never should have been               at           .  Nobody does as much             as I do!  Nobody else could do what I have been doing for as long as I have been doing it.

There has to be no more accessing my phone or personal effects while I am              .

 

Things I understand:

This is the final countdown – I heard that on the       .  I understand that to mean no more          .

What I thought I understood –             past the                , then it is no more        house.

Things I feel I need and want to share with you personally:

Grandparents – When TCS started turning bad I left notes in my house when I went to work trying to explain myself because I was made to feel bad about myself in all ways.  I left notes to prove they were entering my home without permission.  One note I left was about seeing my grandparents.  Living in California, I must have been no more than four.  My mother was driving the family van, I was in the passenger seat when I turned and casually said to my mother, oh, there’s grandma and grandpa’s camper.  My mother’s face was a combination of shock and angry surprise.  The camper was parked at a mall.  We walked into the JC Penny where the camper was parked, and as I said, there were my grandparents shopping.  They obviously had not told my mother they were going to be in town which explains her anger.  But, I just turned my head and in an instant, knew it was my grandparent’s camper and no one else’s.  It might be a God-given gift, or just a coincidence.  I don’t think it’s that special.

Things I need help with:

Deprogramming.

Hey!  Well, guess what I have decided to end the long time rival between Red and Blue.  Here is how it is going to break down.  Are you listening?!  I just want to make sure because lo, and behold, I have a brain after all.  I mean, let’s not beat around the bush here, it is my brain first and foremost with everyone and everything else coming after that fact.

There used to be this thing called Facebook.  Ever heard of it?  Yep, I remember it too.  Do you know the back seat of my car arrived – that is to say, arrived after my interview with TCS and after my first car accident – with blue crayon indelibly marked?  I cannot get rid of it no matter how hard I try.  Short of getting another car that would be the only way to get rid of the blue back seat.  If you did not catch the connection between the two, I am about to explain it to those who cannot go as fast as me.  In other words – I am showing my work to teacher.

I used to have a Facebook account, but then I went to work for TCS.  I made friends with everyone as is my way.  A Facebook post by an employee of TCS, the picture is taken from the front passenger side of “Erin” driving and “Kat” sitting in the back seat laughing and having fun with the post about them going to the beach.  The timing of the post has made me wonder whether it was meant to make me jealous or upset which in a million years, it could not.  I’ll say that again in case you didn’t hear it the first time – Not in a million years could it ever upset me or make me jealous.

I’ll fill you in on another detail just to make things clearer for you.  “Erin” in the break room at TCS told me she was going to help “Kat” become a proper dyke.  That is paraphrasing what she said.  What I remember was I did not understand her underlying tone when she spoke to me about how she was going to take care of “Kat”.  So, I asked her what she meant which she responded to me with annoyance, irritation, and bitter anger when she said, to make a proper dyke out of her.

Here is another piece to your puzzle since when I simply say or write the truth it has never been enough after moving here.  I must show my work to teacher which is to say that my words do not carry the same weight, or matter the same as every other human being, and with the same rights as every other citizen of The United States.  “Erin” had a young teen-aged daughter by the name of “Chase” which “Erin” used to get reactions out of me.  By saying things like she believed “Chase” was gay because she spent time with an African-American girl her age.  “Erin’s” other daughter was straight, but only liked and dated African-American males usually football players.

I’ll slow down again – black and white.

Another fact if it ever comes up again, on the drive to see Sherlock I had my car radio on.  A male voice came over the radio speaking of his impending wedding to his soon-to-be wife.  While getting gas at a station with a cross-street of Watson,  I saw “Erin” dirty-faced sitting in the rear as the car pulled into the station.

Take it soft, take it hard – I don’t give a fuck.  Please pay particular attention to this detail in case you miss it – I could never be “Erin’s” daughter.

Since, it is Christmas I have decided to play down the sarcasm, but I think you get the picture.

No means no, it will never equal yes.  Never means never, it does not mean you can wait a few years to see if my answer changes.

You should all be called out as liars and the liars you pretend not to be.  You all should be ashamed of what you’ve done for you knew better.  Upon point of my own humanity I will give you this, it is a terrible shame and pity that you must never have known, or felt, or had love expressed the way that I have been able to have known and seen love.  Admitting that men just don’t seem to find me attractive as every single male I have found attractive especially since giving the care of my mother to a nursing home has either been married or involved.  And, I mean EVERY straight man.

Again, I want to make certain you can fathom the reality of an entire planet of straight men who are already married or involved.  Think about it.

So, for me, it does not end in a happy ending because I was born this way – this straight female +  straight male = love.

It is so disgusting having to say this over and over as if it could ever be changed!

Interesting tidbit Lefty,  guess my cousin’s name.

June 20, 2017

Dear Mr. Computer,

I am so angry!!!!!  I am so sick and tired of being treated as a puppet on a string!!  I am so angry about one day this means one thing another day it means another thing.  No, do it this way, no, do it that way, no, did it like this!!!!  I am so sick and fucking tired of this STUPID SHIT!!!

I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT HAVING TO SCREAM SUICIDAL IDEAS AND PLANS JUST TO BE HEARD!!!!!!!!

I am so angry about not being able to choose whatever products I WANT, that I LIKE, that I ENJOY the taste of!!!!!!

Do you think I want to sit here and be finger fucked for the rest of my life?!

I don’t even know who that was in the yellow shorts!!  I am too fucking sick, and tired, and mad about it all!!!

Where my car is parked, where I pick up my mail, what number, what color – I FUCKING HATE IT!!  I AM SO SICK OF IT!!!!!

I am so tired of screaming fuck-you’s because that’s the only thing I get to express.

I hate that fucking ceiling vent in my house!  It should be disconnected permanently.  All of the appliances, fire alarms, electrical sockets, light bulbs, and lamps along with any other listening devices I might not have mentioned or be aware of should be DISCONNECTED AND SHUT OFF forever!!

I hate being monitored while in the toilet at        !!!  I want it to end forever!  No one should have to be watched while relieving themselves, especially having been made to shit their pants!!!!!!!!!!  Which is the only reason I used the toilet I did!  It is the only one you cannot see!  I am so mad and angry about       today!!

Obama cured!  The truth of the matter is I NEVER had the Ebola virus from which I could not be cured as I have previously written.  The problem was I did not, nor could I understand what was happening at TCS and every person there seemed to know I slept with the skin suit person (doesn’t really count since they were in disguise and wearing fake skin).

I thought it was David when I spoke of the Ebola virus.  I thought they were making fun of me – again – for still believing in David.  Not in love with David.  I was just unwilling to say bad things about him, or betray the memories I had of him that is why I said I could not be cured.  I am still unwilling to bend or waiver on the fact that he was important to me.  So many things have changed.  I am not the same anymore, however I will not let go of that memory for the sake of someone else’s comfort or game.

I am so sick and tired and fed up with having to return problem food!!!  I am so upset about having to choose a different aisle just to go to the TOILET!!

I am so upset about every different person being able to say different things and different procedures at         and this      life.  I am so mad about there not being consistency!!

I am so angry about being so poorly handled and managed!

I really came away from this – you are what you eat shopping.  It is so uncreative.

If it’s not my      that’s too low, then it’s my       that goes         or too     .  If it’s not one thing, then it’s another.

It all needs to be completely reworked, restructured, and reorganized.

1. There should be no reason why I am forced to be     , made     , or given extreme circumstances to get to          .
2. There should be no reason why I have to return products constantly.
3. There should be no reason why I can’t have and chose whatever products I like.
4. There should be no more proxy BUYING!
5. There should be no more proxies in relation to anything inside my home.
6. There should be no more driving games.
7. There should be no more mickey mouse puzzle, or maze games ANYWHERE in my life!
8. There should be no more altering of my food or products of any kind!
9. There should be no more entering of my home in any capacity whatsoever!
10. There should be no more listening or viewing of the inside or outside of my home at all!
11. There should be no more creating barriers for me to have to figure out, solve, or overcome!
12. There will be no more correlation between the route to      and my      experience.
13. There will be no more correlation between where I park and my      experience.
14. There will be no more correlation between where I park my car and my mail.
15. You will fill that hole to the right of me.
16. You will fix the right side of me, so I no longer have to choose left or right!
17. There will no longer be a contest between US and International.
18. There will no longer be a contest between black and white and color.
19. There will no longer be any more 1, 2, or 3!!!!!!!
20. There will no longer be a difference between Tuesday’s or Thursday’s!!!
21. There will be no more hunger games!
22. There will be no more games or gaming!
23. There will be no more sleepy-time at      or otherwise!!!!!!!!!
24. There will be no more coercions of purchasing products in order to keep my    .
25. There will be no more coercions of any sort to keep my    .
26. You will keep that skin suit person and Casey away from me!!!!
27. There will no longer be a contest between       ,          ,             , or any such contest.
28. There will be no more forcing me to eat fat-free and sugar-free or reduced products to keep my weight down.
29. There will be no more trixies!!!!!!!!!!
30. There will be no more driving games!
31. This is NOT a complete list!

I feel like I need to fill you in on the things that have been done to me since TCS went bad.  I feel like I have to download all these bad memories, hurts, and harm so that I can get to the good stuff of where my creative memories lie.

Breakfast: It is not my favorite meal of the day, and I am usually not a big breakfast person.  However, fussy and especially picky I might be about flavor, taste, quality, and variety – I am quite simple.  So, for breakfast today I would like wheat toast with organic butter and freshly made strawberry jam – I quite like the strawberry jam I make and have made before – strawberry or blueberry yogurt – not the little cups of yogurt – with added fresh fruit on top.  A glass of orange juice, and mugs and mugs of warm, flavorful, strong coffee.  That’s all.

How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever food, clothing, beauty products, soap(s), gas stations, restaurants, grocery stores or any other store, or on-line purchases?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose how you organize your own garage?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose how your organize your home?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose where you park?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever clothing you like?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever program, movie, or television show you feel like or want to see?  How would you like to live without television, or cable?  How would you like to live without the ability to travel to whatever destination you wanted to or chose?  How would you like to live without human contact of any kind?  How would you like to live without the power or ability to change or alter any facet of your life?

How would you like to live that way?

How would you enjoy it?

Then, how would you enjoy it if every moment of your life was spent in front of a camera watching you, filming you, exposing your every moment to the world?

How would you like to live like that for years and years?

You have succeeded.

Here it is Christmas Eve rolling into Christmas morning, and I am living on another planet, or alternate universe.  I am completely isolated from the entire world.  Another holiday, another season and all emotion and feeling is lost on me.

Christmas season used to be my favorite season.  All the decorations and lights turning the house into another home where everything became smaller.  As all the Christmas trees, garlands, presents, lights strung everywhere, and holiday decorations filled in all the previously empty spaces pushing in on you making the walls closer.  Making family interactions and gatherings closer than any other time of year.

All the cooking and baking and merriment that went along with the food and sharing it with loved ones – I miss.  I do not miss the stress of the holiday season – the stress I have now is greater than any other person in the entire world.  That is a fact.  For no one else in the world lives, interacts, or feels the world, as I do.

I have not a single Christmas or holiday decoration up.  I have not even had the slightest inclination to decorate.  Perhaps because all my previously purchased Christmas lights have hidden cameras in them as someone’s idea of a joke or prank.  To force me to purchase new lights, perhaps?  Who knows.  My plans when I moved here were to string the icicle lights all over my ceiling creating an ice castle inside since I no longer have much of an area to decorate outside.  Now, my plans will never come true because someone else has violated my privacy without request or permission.

Daylight is another world to me anymore.  Daylight is a foreign planet that I do not understand.  Sunshine and daylight feel like enemies beating me with exposure.  Anytime I am driving during daylight I feel as though I have stepped into another world I no longer exist or belong to.  The brightness makes me cringe in terror.  I fall back to shade and shadows as a means to protect myself.

This is not the person I have ever been before.

The truth is if I ever get to write the all of the stories that happened before the monorail ride with James Franco, then you would be so very ashamed of any moment of pleasure you received in watching me, or knowing me.  If you knew the stories, if you knew and read about the name whispered to me – you would feel so ashamed of yourselves.  You would also be indignant toward those who knew, and yet allowed this to happen to me anyway.

For they all knew – with all the hypnosis, drugged-induced-truth-serum forced sharings, the fire alarm-sleep and rest depriving-hypnosis – the blue tooth knew of the trueness of my heart, of the deep connection, of something greater than a crush or infatuation, it knew of the greatness I had in me and destroyed it, then lied to you, to me, to the world, and pretended it was the truth.

For, I will never understand the purpose of all of this – as I will never speak or write anything positive about this experience as it should never have happened to me, nor should it ever happen to anyone.  Also, any ideas or notions I once had about making money from the arts is lost to me.  Not for all the money in the world would I ever want to enter or be apart of that world.  I have been on this side of it for too long now.  I can only hope to one day fade and hide away into obscurity forever.

June 19, 2017

Dear Mr.                ,

So depressed today.  I wonder why that is?  Probably has something to do with fact that I was forced to shit myself while at       .  So that I had to use the bathroom that is anything but funny and does nothing but humiliate me even further.

I am not going to continue writing about the smile series of what I think my vision should be, or give any sort of direction.  I know it’s not real.  I know I have no control.  I know there is nothing I can do that will change anything in my life.  I know there isn’t anything that is real at all.  Not even you Mr.               .  I will write their names down, but I’m done.  I know there isn’t anything I can contribute that will change, make a difference, or have any impact.  Because this life is still going by someone else’s rules and playbook that has long since expired, and was never true for me.  Again, because I was never in love with any of those glass men.  I was never in love or even liked the skin suit person, nor do I like or want to ever hear another voice in my head that is not my own.

I have said and written before that I never wanted a woman using whatever it is called when they can hear my thoughts – the helmet.  The helmet is more personal and intimate, it is a violation to me and who I am when a woman uses it.  It is a violation when anyone uses it.

So depressing.  I don’t get to be understood.  I don’t get to change any of the previous rules.  How I left        yesterday?  I would rather kill myself than continue living in this way.  Every person and celebrity I saw and thought I was doing a good thing through purchases or gas has used me only to hurt me.  It is so humiliating.

I don’t even know why I would start something like a smile series when I do not smile anymore.  When I go to          there is no communication to me everyone talks down to me makes me feel inadequate, simple, and dumb when I am none of those things.  There is nothing empowering, creative, fun, or enjoyable at            .

So, I will not ask for your help again.  You don’t know how because you are not real.  It is just some ploy they use to make me continue.

I should never have turned on that radio again even if I do miss listening to music.  I never wanted to be viewed or listened to while I listen to the     .  I don’t want that radio broadcasting.  All it has ever done has been used against me to hurt me, defile my body, and make me feel stupid and untalented.

Forced to make a U-turn at the stoplight so you could charge me for the       products that I already returned.  But, I don’t even get to keep people out of my house while I’m gone or while I am here.  So, you come into the house and take the receipt for the travel       set that I returned, then I don’t have the tracking number to correct and call out           mistake.  So, everyone gets to hurt and humiliate me.

I don’t know why I would take the time to thank anyone when I do not care about celebrities like that.  I don’t care about stardom.  I was simply an appreciator, but in return I’ve been humiliated, laughed at, made fun of, had my private moments taken from me, had my humanity ripped from me, forced to choose between men I care nothing for just so they can laugh and make fun of me as they get to have their own personal life with their woman and make me feel like a cheap whore.

Why would I continue writing when everyone else gets to hurt me by doing things like making me shit myself at       .  Utterly humiliating.  Then, to add further humiliation because I was made to shit myself, I don’t even get to be emotionally upset by it.  So, I am punished with low        numbers.  Why?!  Because I didn’t look up at the person opposite of me?  Did anyone else at       have to shit themselves?!  No.  I don’t get the opportunity to emotionally work through or go through anything, and you wonder why I will never again want to go back to California, or have anything to do with a James Franco.  I still have to follow these rules that never applied to me.  I just haven’t had any other choice.

So depressed.  I would rather think of ways to hurt and harm myself, so that I don’t have to live through another day of someone else’s rules.  So, that I don’t have to        another day where someone else gets to make me shit myself.

Do you know what I said before about that dating experience of being tricked, manipulated, and raped by a skin suit.  I told my brother this in 2014, I told people on the phone, I told many people this – I would rather have been beaten within an inch of my life, left on the street for dead than to ever have had that experience.  Because that I could understand.  Being beaten and left for dead I can understand.  Spending years of being used, tricked, set-up, and never having one real date to make me do something desperate I will never understand.

Do you think I ever want to have to protect myself by thinking of ways to hurt myself?!  No.  But, when you have no control, or ways to create change, or anything, how else is a person supposed to feel?!

I know the only reason I heard at Home Depot, I want us to be a family, was just so that I would watch a movie and it means and meant nothing more.

My mother would be so ashamed of my life as I am so ashamed of my life.  So ashamed of this kind of life.

It is not possible in life to avoid every single neon open sign in a store window.

It is not possible to have a life designed around what business’, shops, street signs, and billboards you drive by.  This has been a complete waste of my time, talent, and energy!  FIRE THE CONNECTED DRIVE, THE RED TAG DRIVING, THE PUZZLE DRIVING, ALL OF IT!  YOU ARE WASTING SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO END BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

I can’t believe I have to write this again, but you have not learned your lesson!  The brain has a capacity for pain, trauma, and stress once it is reached you pass out to protect yourself.  You have caused me to pass out every day with my eyes open, then as soon as I can, I close them so that I can protect myself.

How fucking dare you attempt to tell me you know me better than I know myself!

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU THREATEN ME TO COERCE ME INTO DOING SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHAT I KNOW TO BE BEST FOR ME, TO MAKE ME DRIVE DIFFERENTLY, TO MAKE ME ORDER FOOD DIFFERENTLY, TO MAKE ME DO MORE AND FASTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON WHILE EVERY ONE ELSE GETS TO SLACK OFF, TAKE BREAKS, WALK UP AND DOWN, DO LESS, EARN MORE, AND RECEIVE RECOGNITION AND SUPPORT WHILST I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SAW THAT FUCKING RUNTED BACKPACK SPRAYER!!  NOT FOR A MOMENT AM I EVER GOING BACK TO THAT FUCKING MIDGET THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!  I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN GOING BACK TO 2014.

I WILL NOT MOVE OUT OF THE WAY FOR JAMES FRANCO!!!!  HE CAN MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!  WHAT DID HE THINK THAT HE COULD CUT ME OFF FROM THE ENTIRE WORLD, STARVE ME EMOTIONALLY, KEEP ME AS SOME SEX SLAVE, THEN I MIGHT CONSENT TO SOME RELATIONSHIP OR FEELINGS FOR A MAN THAT I NEVER HAD?!

I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE UNTRUTHFUL, TELL A LIE, OR BREAK UNDER THIS CONSTANT EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, AND PHYSICAL TORTURE!

UNDERSTAND ME CORRECTLY!  I WOULD RATHER DIE!!!  I AM PREPARED TO DIE!  THIS IS NOTHING NEW, I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS, WRITING THIS SINCE 2014!  ARE YOU PREPARED TO WATCH ME DIE, HAVE ME KILLED, PUT ME IN ANOTHER ACCIDENT THAT KILLS ME?!  WHO’S FAULT WOULD IT BE IF I WAS KILLED IN ANOTHER ACCIDENT?!  WHO’S FAULT WOULD IT BE IF I KILLED MYSELF?! 

IT WOULD BE YOURS!!!

THEN, ONCE I AM DEAD EITHER FROM SUICIDE OR ANOTHER CAR CRASH  – THAT I WAS NOT AT FAULT FOR – I HAVE LEFT MY BROTHER INSTRUCTIONS TO SUE FOR WRONGFUL DEATH!!!!

BECAUSE NONE OF THESE YEARS SINCE 2012 HAVE BEEN OF MY OWN CHOOSING!!!!!  DID I HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE OF EMPLOYMENT SINCE THEN?!  EXACTLY!!!!!  DID I HAVE ANY CHOICE OVER THE MEN I WANTED TO DATE OR HAVE IN MY LIFE?!!  EXACTLY!!!  DID I TRULY HAVE ANY CHOICE IN SLEEPING WITH THAT MAN THOSE TIMES?!!  JESUS CHRIST! YOU FUCKING PEOPLE – BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE – IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO WANT TO GET LAID BY A MAN?!!!!!!!  ESPECIALLY AFTER LOSING OVER 100 LBS AND SPENDING YEARS IN ISOLATION WHILE CARING FOR MY MOTHER!  WHO WOULDN’T WANT A GOOD FUCK?!  WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?!  NOTHING!!

THIS IS A TRESPASS NO ONE INVOLVED WILL EVER BE ABLE TO COME AWAY FROM.  UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, YOU HAVE FOREVER CHANGED AND ALTERED THE OUTCOME!

IT WILL NEVER CHANGE THE PAST!

IT HAS ONLY CHANGED THE FUTURE WHICH YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO!

I BELIEVE YOU FAIL TO GRASP THE SEVERITY OF THE MATTER, MY FEELINGS, WANTS AND DESIRES, AS THIS STORY – OF ME BEING SO UPSET AND ANGRY I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN CONTINUE LIVING THIS WAY – HAS NOT CHANGED SINCE 2014.  I TOLD PEOPLE, I WROTE PEOPLE, I LEFT NOTES IN MY HOME, ON MY MIRROR, ON MY PHONE, TOLD MY BROTHER, TOLD WHAT FEW FRIENDS I HAD LEFT.  AND, NOW I NO LONGER GET TO HAVE FRIENDS OR RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE?!  I NO LONGER GET TO EAT WITH PEOPLE?!

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER SAY THANK YOU AGAIN?!!

CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS HAPPENS?!  HOW DOES SOMEONE GET TO ROB ME OF EVER BEING ABLE TO HAVE NATURAL BORN CHILDREN OF MY OWN?!  BECAUSE I WILL NEVER AGAIN BELIEVE IT WAS A SURGERY THAT WAS NECESSARY!  YOU SET ME UP SO!  WHY?!  YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO JUSTIFY IT!  NOT EVER!  NOT TO ME, NOT TO THE WORLD, NOT TO ANYONE!  YOU HAD NO REASON OR EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND TO EVER GUT ME LIKE A PIG!

ALL I HAD BEEN DREAMING ABOUT WHILE TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER WAS BEING ABLE TO HAVE A MAN TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH, AND HAVE HIS CHILDREN.  SO, I COULD SEE OUR LOVE IN THEIR EYES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  IT STILL PHYSICALLY HURTS ME TO SEE PICTURES OF MYSELF AS A CHILD BECAUSE I COULD HAVE HAD SUCH BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS HAPPENS!  HOW DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT OVERSIGHT?!

DO YOU HONESTLY MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN CHARGE?!  WHAT A RIDICULOUS NOTION!  DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU HAVE VARIOUS PEOPLE IN CONTROL WHO CAN CHOOSE TO DO WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE, WHENEVER THEY CHOOSE TO DO IT?!

YOU KEEP BRINGING UP DAVID.  THE PICTURE OF DAVID SITTING ON THE COUCH DOING THE THREE MONKEYS.  DAVID AT THE CAST PARTY DRINKING GUINESS.  YOU WOULD KNOW IF I COULD EVER GET TO HAVE THE TIME TO GET IT OUT OF BABY’S HANDS!  BUT, CONTRARY TO OPINION I AM NOT A MACHINE, I AM NOT A ROBOT, I AM NOT A DROID, I AM NOT A HYPER PERSON, I DO NOT NOR HAVE I EVER ENJOYED BEING AN INSOMNIAC.  AND, WHILE I AM ON THE SUBJECT I HAVE NOT ENJOYED BEING TREATED LIKE A TEST SUBJECT OR A GUINEA PIG WHILE THESE FIRE ALARMS HAVE WATCHED AND RECORDED MY EVERY MOMENT, HYPNOTIZED ME, FED ME LIES WHILE I AM SLEEPING, DRUGGED ME, AND TURNED ME INTO SOMEONE I DO NOT KNOW AND WISH WAS DEAD RATHER THAN ALIVE.  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO ANY OF IT!

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT TRIAL?!

HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE ME LIKE THAT!  HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME SAY OUT LOUD ONE OF THE WORST SECRETS I NEVER TOLD A SOUL EVER BEFORE AND WOULD HAVE GONE TO MY GRAVE RATHER THAN EVER SPEAK OF!!!!!!!!!  BECAUSE THE MATTER ENDED WITH MY BROTHER APOLOGIZING AND ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS.  YOU WILL FIND OUT WHEN I GET TO DECLASSIFY THE FILES.

IT WAS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO IT TO ME!  I HAVE NOT FORGIVEN ANYONE INVOLVED FOR HOW CAN I WHEN THEY WERE ALL IN DISGUISE AND NONE HAVE ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS.  THEY ARE STILL TAKING FROM ME!

AS A POINT OF HONESTY.  YOU PRESSURED ME TO SPEAK ABOUT BEING A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE BY MY BROTHER IN A COURT ROOM FOR IF I HADN’T SPOKEN YOU WERE GOING TO PUT ME ON TRIAL FOR DISHONESTY.  WHAT A STUPID NOTION!!  NO KIDDING I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE!  NO KIDDING I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE IN A COURT ROOM!  HOW IS THAT A CRIME???!!!!  IT ISN’T!!!

JESUS CHRIST, MAN!  I BARELY SPOKE ABOUT THE ABUSE MICHAEL DID TO ME!  I BARELY WROTE ABOUT THE ABUSE MICHAEL DID TO ME!

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING?!  WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I DON’T TALK ABOUT MY FATHER?!  WHY DO YOU THINK I DON’T WRITE ABOUT HIM?!  IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

THE TRUTH IS, MY GRANDFATHER WAS THE GREATEST MAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN, AND HE WAS NOT IN MY LIFE FOR VERY LONG.

IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME THAT MEN HAVE NOT BEATEN DOWN A PATH TO MY DOOR, OR ASKED ME ON DATES?!  AS IF THE ENTIRE MALE RACE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME AND/OR OTHERWISE INVOLVED AND UNAVAILABLE!!!  BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME EVERY SINGLE MAN I MEET IN MY LIFE THAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IS ALREADY TAKEN!  WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT KIND OF MAN I LIKE OR FIND ATTRACTIVE?!!

YOU ARE A FUCKING EGOMANIAC THAT DESERVES TO BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME?!  IF YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OTHERS?!!!!

GOD DAMMINT BLUETOOTH!!!!  STOP MAKING ME CRY WHILE I AM WRITING I AM NOT THAT UPSET!  I AM FUCKING MAD AS HELL!  I AM FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO LIVE YOUR STUPID LIE OF A LIFE!

I HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MALE FRIENDSHIP, COMPANIONSHIP, AND STRAIGHT MALE LOVE!  

FOR FUCK SAKE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS IT WILL NEVER BE REAL IN VR!!!  NOT EVER! NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER ENJOYED THAT!  NOT ONCE!  FUCK YOUR STUPID FINGERS!  FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I AM NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE A REAL MAN AND MAN FLESH IN MY BED?!

JUST TO BE CERTAIN YOU UNDERSTAND, I WILL SAY THIS AGAIN!  I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN COERCED INTO SITTING ON ROY’S SIDE OF THE WEDDING!  REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MY FAMILY, NOR WOULD I BETRAY THEM AS THEY HAVE BETRAYED ME.

ALL I WANTED TO DO AFTER COMING HOME FROM THE DARKEST HOUR WAS WRITE ABOUT JOE WRIGHT AND GARY OLDMAN.  FOR THAT IS THE PERSON I USED TO BE – ONE WHO ENJOYED PERFORMANCE.  HOWEVER, ALL I COULD DO WHEN I GOT HOME WAS TAKE A NAP.  I WASN’T EVEN ABLE TO MAKE IT TO THE MOVIE ON TIME – UNAVOIDABLE, I’M AFRAID.  AS MY CAPACITY HAS NOT ONLY BEEN MAXED IT HAS BEEN BREACHED!  I AM NOT EVEN SURE I WILL BE ABLE TO WRITE IT AT ANOTHER TIME AS I AM SITTING HERE NOT HAVING BATHED FOR TWO DAYS BECAUSE I STILL DO NOT HAVE SOAP THAT I CAN WASH WITH.  I AM UP TO MY EYEBALLS AND BEYOND EXHAUSTED.  MY BODY IS BEYOND EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!  EVERYONE ELSE HAS HELP, SUPPORT, AND MONEY!

I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS, I FORGOT TO WRITE THIS THE OTHER DAY:  I HAVE LOVED THOSE THREE MEN SINCE TOP GEAR DAYS AT BBC.  I LOVE TO HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT CARS, IT IS LUSTY TALK TO ME – TELL ME MORE, BRAKE HORSE POWER, OVERSTEER, UNDERSTEER, AND SO FORTH.  I ENJOYED THEM SO MUCH!  I LOVED TO WATCH THEM JUST DRIVING CARS.  I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN THEY BECAME THE GRAND TOUR.  HOWEVER, THEY QUITE LITERALLY BROKE MY HEART AFTER THE LAST EPISODE.  IT IS QUITE FINAL.  I HAVE NO WISH OR DESIRE ANY LONGER TO WATCH ANY MORE.  ALSO, IT IS NOT THE SAME SHOW ANYMORE.  I WAS BORED TO DEATH, AND THEY DID NOT SEEM THEMSELVES.  THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH ONE PERSON CAN TAKE AND MY LIMITS HAVE BEEN EXCEEDED.

I AM SICK, SICK, SICK TO DEATH OF THIS WHOLE STUPID MARRIAGE PROPOSAL THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BETWEEN EITHER DAVID OR JAMES?!  YOU REALLY THINK I AM THAT FUCKING STUPID?!  I HAVE SEEN THEIR FACES!  I HAVE SEEN THE WOMEN IN BOTH OF THEIR LIVES!  I WANT NOHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF YOU!  FURTHERMORE, I BELIEVE THAT EVERY MAN THAT HAS TAKEN PART AND PARTICIPATED IN THE VR HAS CHEATED ON HIS OWN WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND!  AND LET ME MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR, I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER!  WHAT MAN PUSHES A CUM BUTTON AND BELIEVES THERE CAN EVER BE REAL LOVE IN RETURN?!  I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE IN WHO IS ON THE OTHER SIDE!  I HAVE HAD NO SAY OR CHOICE IN WHO IS WATCHING WHILE I AM AT HOME!  I HAVE BEEN EXILED FROM THE ENTIRE WORLD AS IF I AM A CRIMINAL WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!  MY SEX LIFE, MY SEXUAL WELLNESS HAS NO PLACE WHAT-SO-EVER TO BE DISPLAYED AND EXPOSED TO THE ENTIRE WORLD!  I NEVER GAVE PERMISSION AND I WILL NEVER GIVE MY PERMISSION!!!

BTW, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT BOX IN MY GARAGE?!  DISCONNECT IT?!  HOW DO I EVEN KNOW WHAT IT DOES?!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO ME EITHER!

DO YOU HONESTLY NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I USE ANY OTHER TOILET OTHER THAN THE ONE?!  OR WALK IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION SET?!  OR WALK ON THE OWL’S SIDE?!  FUCKING TROLLS IN MY HOME!  FUCKING TROLLS INVADE MY HOME WHILE I AM GONE!  PUT ITCHING POWDER, OR GERMS, OR HAIR GROWTH IN FACE CREAMS, OR SPRAY MY HOUSE AS IF IT IS THEIR’S AND THERE RIGHT TO DO SO!!!

FIRE EVERYONE INVOLVED IN ENTERING MY HOME WHEN I AM NOT HERE AND THOSE WHO ALTER MY FOOD, PRODUCTS, AND INTERCEPT MY DELIVERIES!!!!!  THIS IS A CRIME THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED!!!!!  TO ME OR ANYONE!!!!!

I SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS COME FIRST, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE FOLLWED AFTER ME!  YOU SHOULD HAVE CREATED SOMETHING AFTER WHAT I DID AND CHOSE RATHER THAN FORCING ME AND TELLING ME WHAT TO BUY AND HAVE!!

STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOME IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT TO DO SO!!  YOU ARE FOREVER NOT WELCOME IN HERE!!!

YOU EXPECT ME TO CHANGE ON A DIME AND AT A MOMENTS NOTICE, BUT YOU DO NOT DO THE SAME!  IT TAKES YOU DAYS, WEEKS, AND MONTHS, AND SOMETIMES YOU DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING AT ALL!  BUT, EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG!  EVERYTHING I DO IS INCORRECT!!!  YOU ARE WASTING MY TIME!!  AND, YOU WILL BE TO BLAME WHEN I DIE!!!@!@@@@@@@!!!!!

Fire the blue tooth, so the REAL truth can get out and be told.

Fire the Bluetooth, so that it is no longer able to manipulate, control, spin, misdirect, misconstrue evidence and the truth.

Fire the Bluetooth, so that I can write true stories and share my feelings about how it feels to have lived this barren Bluetooth life.

Fire the Bluetooth to take away its power and return what was mine BACK TO ME!