You should hear this in my own voice.  It should be heard in my own voice.  I do not mean the voice that was heard at my brother’s wedding, or on the radio, or headphones because you should know how they use tricks and manipulation to keep me sounding like some hick when the truth is – I am greater than my surroundings.

If you only knew.

Women of the world, hear me now, hear me once and for all.

I am not your enemy.

There has been an ongoing problem in the world that surrounds my life.  Listen, do you hear it?  It is the sounds of lies, of liars, of purposeful deception, of tricks being pulled, of false re-creations, of laws being broken, of good men being given lies and mistruths, of good women turned to slaves for amusement and entertainment, of this good and honest woman not being given a choice or heard.

Do you really want to believe the lies being told?

Do you really believe the deception with a blind eye?

Let me tell you of my sacrifice, of my powerful will, I have done not just for myself, not just for women around the world, but for all of mankind everywhere.

When I returned to this home after being run out to the other coast and back, I returned to the darkest place I have ever been in my life.  I stood on my stairwell videoing myself on my phone, begging, pleading, sobbing, for an end, for relief, for the truth to be told.  I wrote and wrote and wrote on my computers for help and to report abuse.

For it was never true, for it never has been true that I have ever been an enemy of men, of women, or of gays or straights.  For my whole voting life, I have made sure that I have voted for the equality of men and women, of gays and straights.

You will never know the amount of pressure they have used upon me to make me swear, to force me to fill the air with unkind words.  I hope and pray no one will ever have to endure the amount of mental, physical, and emotional pressure I’ve had to endure just to keep my story straight and true.

Have you endured starvation?

Have you endured isolation?

Have you endured being denied the right to use a toilet?

Have you been denied the right to enter a business?

Have you endured the loss of friendships?

Have you endured the loss of your family?

Have you endured the loss of your pets and animals?

Have you endured the loss of love?  Of physical sex?

I have endured this going on six years now.

I did not use the toilet this last week not because I was tired, or did not have to use the toilet, I did it to keep the peace.

The time of leashes is over.

The time of unwarranted searches are over.

The time of playing pretend is over.

The time of one-way vision is over.

For, I have a right to my own body.

I have a right to decisions made with my body.

I have a right to choose who I share my bed with.

I have a right to be upset and angry if I am deceived.

I have a right to say no.

I have a right to say I will never be with a woman.

I have a right to say I never want to be with a woman.

I have a right to say I am ending a relationship.

I have a right to say this world I am living in should never have existed, should not exist, should end, that measures and laws should be taken to ensure no person has their life taken from them as I have had my life taken from me.

I have a right to say enough.

I have a right to choose who I make friends with.

I have a right to decide I no longer choose to be friends with someone based on how they have hurt me.

A woman has a right to her own body.

A woman has a right to her own body to make decisions about her own body.

This woman has a right to her own body.

I have a right to say this is a cock-only zone.

I have a right to say it is nothing but the glorious penis to the end of my days.

I have a right to say it will never be anything but, dick, dick, dick, beautiful dick.

I have a right to my own mind.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO MY OWN MIND.

I have a right to say it is my mind first!

I have a right to say you do not belong here.

I have a right to say you are not permitted here.

I have a right to say you are not allowed admittance.

I have a right to close doors.

I have a right to lock a door.

I have a right to be the only keyholder.

As every woman has a right to her own body, to say her own anthem, to bar the door, to her own thinking, to her own mind.

I do not wear my No Ma’am t-shirt to disparage, hurt, or harm any woman.

I do it for myself first.

I do it for women everywhere.

So, that no man, no woman, no person could ever again force another person into any act against their will.

AGAINST THEIR WILL!

If I had found out that another man or woman had been forced into an act that they themselves did not agree to or want – I would have gone to the floor for them.  There is no way I would have done nothing – for someone else.  There is no way I would have done nothing for a stranger.

I wear my No Ma’am t-shirt for the ONLY reason – which has nothing to do with the hood – that I may not be the prettiest girl in the world, I may not be the smartest girl in the world, I may not be the greatest talent in the world, I may not be loved by any man again for the rest of my life, but I am here.  I am not dead, yet.

And, I am Cherith.

I am no one else.

I am Cherith.

Now, most people go on a cruise and gain weight.  I, however, did the opposite.

When I was caring for my mother, I reached a point when something had to happen, something had to change to bring about a difference in the life I had been living.

When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t know who the person was looking back at me.  It was no one I recognized.  It was not my true self.  I was always shocked and surprised.  Who is this fat person?  Either I was so extremely exhausted all I saw was how the work wore me down, or so grossly overweight I didn’t recognize myself.

Now, I am slow and careful when it comes to certain decisions.  Too rushed and too quick, and I will not reach the desired result.

I spent months and months getting prepared to lose weight.  Because I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel ashamed.  I wanted to look on the outside how I saw myself on the inside.

I worked internally.  Going through events in my life, analyzing myself, understanding how I had allowed myself to get to the point I was in my life.  It is not an easy thing to look at yourself, see your flaws, and fix it.

After my abusive boyfriend, I gained weight.  I remember thinking, good, now he will never want to touch me.  This is a big point.  It is misplaced direction, an incorrect measure or response to the problem which was abuse.

I went through previous attempts to lose weight, understanding what worked for me, and what did not work for me.

When losing weight if it took too long, I would get discouraged and give up.  For me, I discovered I was willing and able to cut back drastically, give up on certain foods to lose more weight quickly.  I needed to see it.  I needed to see the numbers on the scale going down.

I will not forget the first time I went to buy new pants, the helicopter and motorcycles that followed me, for I kept my old pants for a long time simply using a belt to keep them from falling off.  When I went to the store, taking different sizes into the dressing room, I was amazed that the smallest size was still too big.  I just stared at myself in the mirror.  I was so shocked and amazed, I couldn’t look away.  It was unbelievable to me that I was smaller.  The number was important.  The number was a powerful motivator in keeping me on my path and redirecting negative thoughts.

After my weight loss, I have been able to step back and see how I’d kept myself from losing weight.  For all kinds of reasons, good and bad, yet they are still reasons.  They are not the truth.

The Clean Plate Syndrome: I discovered that going on a cruise, I had lost weight.  I realized that since all the food was already paid for, I no longer felt the need to clean my plate.  I could eat a few bites.  I could leave food on the plate.

Have you ever been poor?

Have you ever struggled?

Have you ever had to live off of $5 for a week?

When you do not know when your next meal will be you eat everything on your plate.  Stock up, in case you won’t be able to eat for days.  This survival mode is incredibly destructive.  It is an emotional crusher.  Years after being destitute poor, you still feel the loss of being financially without.  It is a bad hold to break free from.

Breaking free from the syndrome of sending food to Africa was important to me and had to be done.  We have all heard it before, eat all your food on your plate, I could send that food to Africa where people are starving.  There is a great deal of guilt associated with this concept.  Guilt and shame.

I learned and taught myself to break free from the guilt and shame of food on my plate.

Whatever happened to smaller meals, eating more often during the day?  You go to a restaurant and you are given a platter of food – not a dish.  How did this get to be acceptable?

Eating in America is grossly disproportionate.  The poorer you are in America the worse the food available to buy and purchase is.  It is full of empty calories with very little nutrition.

One way I kept myself on my path – while I was dieting – was to bring my own snacks wherever I went.  If I went somewhere that had a snack bar I brought my own water, celery sticks, carrots sticks, nuts and raisins.  I brought my own snacks.  This is very important.  More people should bring their own snacks, so they no longer have to feel the financial pressure to purchase.

After, Edison I am no longer able to bring my lunch or snacks to work.  No one should have to live like this.  Starving on a shift to keep from having their food tricked, altered, and touched.  At The Container Store, I had to throw away every meal I brought – after Edison, so that I could be seen in front of my television at home eating out of proportion.

It is something I am unable to forgive both James Franco and David Wolfe for.  I saw David Wolfe’s face through Alfredo Cruz – I don’t wish to continue that thought.  It is extremely hurtful to me.  David Wolfe never saw me as a thin, slim, beautiful woman.  David Wolfe never saw me as beautiful.

So, to have lived all those hard years taking care of my mother, taking a turn to finally live a life as a healthy, attractive woman that men would find desirable enough to want to treat well, take care of, and date – and that is the last thing I am able to do?!

Immeasurable grief.

Now, for exercise I chose Tracy Anderson’s workout routine because it is customized for different trouble body parts using smaller muscle groups.  Which is how I wanted to look.  I did not want to look like I had been spending hours in a gym using machines – that is just not me.  I wanted to look lean, toned, and thin.  Not bulky.

I alternated between a cleanse and a diet.  A Two-week cleanse, then 40-day diet, and alternate, and it worked.  It worked well for me.  I took it one day at a time.  It’s only for two weeks.  It’s only for 40 days.  When I got too discouraged I would tell myself, well, let’s see after 40 days.  Then, reassess.

It worked.  It worked for me because I started in my head first, then my mouth, then my body.

Premature Ejaculation.

I accuse you David Kahit Wolfe, of imprisoning me without cause, evidence, right, or permission.

I warned you.

I gave you time to think about your course of action.

You have given me no choice any longer.

I would have protected you until my grave.

I would have never spoken of your family until my life was extinguished.

But, my heart has been broken.  The light it seems is forever to be vanquished from my heart and mind.  You are no longer the same man to me.

What I saw in you when we went to college, I am no longer able to see in you.

It is a gift I have, to be able to see in others what they themselves are not able to see.

I saw such things in you.

I loved you once, a long time ago.

Did you really think you could get me drunk, lose my inhibitions, so that I would fool around with you?  You would have dumped me like every girl you’ve ever known, then blamed me for coming on to you while intoxicated.

Was it such a surprise how well I can handle myself while drinking?  For I am never out of control.  I’ve had to be drugged to become black-out drunk.

Did you play a part in any of those times I was drugged?

You’ve seen me naked David Wolfe.

You paid another man to “date” me, pretend to have sex with me – for how can it truly count if it was not his real skin – while you watched.

Did your wife or girlfriend know you watched me have sex?

You watched me have sex, David.

You watched me have sex?

You watched me have sex, David!

You watched me in my own home – naked!

You watched me on the other side my mirror!

You will never again be able to be the same man to me.  It is a crime you do not get to get away from unpunished.

I believe you broke up with all your girlfriends in college because I loved you.

My love for you David, changed you.

You could have gotten up off your chair at the coffee shop and approached me after I walked away from you.

I will not back down from being a woman who wants a man to ask her out, to open the door for her, to order for her after she’s told him what she wants, to call her up, and to court her.  You have never been any of these things to me.

You have never even been a friend to me.

Did you look from outside my windows, or did you have someone come into my home to view my pictures and paintings?

Did I retaliate against you when your girlfriend called me up at my employment to threaten me?  No.  I reported it to my supervisor to protect myself, but I did not take it out on you.  All I did was block her on Facebook, so she could not have access to me.  So, that she would know I did not want her to have access to me.

She was in my front yard, David.  Her and her friends rushing to see me walk with my mother to my car.  Pointing and laughing at me.  IN MY FRONT YARD!!!!!!!

I could not put my mother in danger like that again which is why I unfriended you and blocked you on Facebook.

IN MY FRONT YARD!

All of a sudden, my whole neighborhood turned against me because of David and his girlfriend.  I thought and believed moving here would change that.  It hasn’t.  It is exactly the same.  It feels as if the entire neighborhood is against me because of you, David.

No one protects me in all of this.

How dare you treat me like I am less!

I saw great things in you, David.  But, you never saw the same in me.  You still don’t, or you wouldn’t play these food games.

You want me to write about how I saw you on your motorcycle on my drive to see The Hunger Games.  You looked behind and to your left, to the unmarked car who was riding with you.  I wore my purple hoodie that day which was already many sizes too big with my grey Bermuda shorts.

All these years I could have been loved by a real man who would have loved me in return.

You’ve taken years of my life, David.

Did you actually think I would be so upset seeing you make-out with your wife on the beach that I would try to start dating again?  To get back at you?  How could I when I knew this whole house and system has been set up against me?

I was and AM NEVER GOING TO ALLOW ANOTHER EDISON to happen again.

Did you actually believe I was gay because I loved you?

You fail to understand I know that was you as Alfredo Cruz when Cleveland suddenly became a woman talking about being from Alabama when you said one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard from your mouth.

You actually thought I was gay because I loved you?!

Did you think that if you deprived me of actual male flesh I would suddenly change teams?!

It is a trespass upon my heart, my flesh, and my mind.

You failed to believe in me, that I was capable of great things, that I had plans for my future.

What we could have accomplished if you had actually allowed me in on the process instead of making me DO this life.  We could have actually worked together.

How the day has changed from you.

I knew you when you wore khaki’s.  I loved you for more than your khaki’s.

Gerry who lived in Fishhawk Ranch whom I dated.  Who was from Oakland, Ca, who said his baby nephew was cropped out of his profile photo, who said he read my blog, whom I wondered if he stuffed his underpants because of the size of his package, who worked for a trucking company, who never once tried to kiss me, who took me to Taco Bus one night.  And, Edison who had a picture in his eHarmony profile holding a baby –  which looked playful to me – under a sheet just like the Angel Soft photo, I believe you played a part in David.

So, when those women walked into The Container Store with a baby, I believe you used as a psychological test, upon viewing a baby.  Proving I am not a sexual deviant.  Which is the reason for your big smile on your face when you walked out of the stock room.

How would I ever be able to feel the same way for you again?!

What kind of man does that to a woman?

What kind of man does that to a woman who loved him?

Go back to your wife and leave me alone.  For good.

How many men I could have sex with by now if it wasn’t for you.

There is something special about Glory, isn’t there?

It is more than the famous Denzel Washington scene.

I always attributed it to the director, Edward Zwick creating an environment on set that carried over to the screen.  Creating an environment of every actor, production staff, and crew working for the greater good that would be the film.

The score is fantastic.

It is amazing that there ever was a time when we warred against ourselves, and disbelieved in each other.

Glory is a great and classic film.

I have been working on several different blog posts and writings over these last couple of days, however my mind is fried, I am spent, and I am tired.  I feel the need to spend a month in my pajama’s sleeping and not on a schedule, taking naps while reading books at the beach which is something I used to be able to do – read, go to the beach, and read while at the beach.  This house has taken away my reading.  Every time I try to start a new book, this house, this Bluetooth take over, losing my journey of discovering literary truths.

So, I am taking a break.

I miss being able to be around people.  I miss being able to feed people.  I miss being able to feed men.  For there is nothing like the appreciation of a man’s full belly.

Several meals I have been thinking about – I will share breakfast and a dinner.

Breakfast – I was thinking about thick-sliced white bead, buttered and griddled or pan-fried, topped with egg (cooked however you like), going for turkey ham fairly thin-sliced and seared, a good slice of sharp Vermont white cheddar, broiled until the cheese melts, and drizzled over it all a white wine honey mustard.  A great mug of cappuccino to go with it.

Dinner – Since I did an extensive dinner previously, I was going for something more casual.  I make delicious hot wings or boneless buffalo chicken.  So, I was thinking of a great green salad with a light oil dressing, tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, and olives.  My hot-sauced boneless chicken.  Probably chicken tenderloins sliced and seared before being coated in sauce.  I’d have to cook this to see if chicken breasts boiled then pan seared would be better.  I would bake a great crusty white bread.  Salad in one dish.  The chicken and bread on another.  Butter and oil for the bread, you chose how you want to eat the bread, with the chicken and salad, buttered, or eat the bread alone and dip it.  Served with a great light casual beer.  Nothing heavy.  Light, fun, casual, easy, and conversational.

Now, dessert would be my Super cookies.  Palm-sized (my palm) cookies.  These Super cookies have everything in them, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, M&M’s, and walnuts.  I would make homemade Macadamia nut ice cream.  Fresh Macadamia nuts nothing rancid or stale.  Topped with homemade caramel sauce.  I don’t think it needs anything else, no whipped cream or cherry, or anything typical.  Espresso, coffee, or cappuccino to go with it.

I am not sure I write it the way I see it in my head.  I was hoping for a casual, fun evening.

Does that sound like fun?

You buy it, I’ll make it for you!

What must it say to a man that a young woman, at a time when email was still fairly new, not everyone had an email address, chooses an email atypical from the bubble gum generic email everyone else had?

What must it say that a young woman researches, goes through name books, only to choose a Russian family name that by definition means without fear, unwavering faith?

For when I read that name, and the names meaning – without fear, unwavering faith – I thought to myself, well, that’s about right.  Please do not address that comment as such.  I went out of my way to find a name with meaning not only to me, but to others.

What must it say to a man when a young woman’s voice does not match her body?

I know what it says to me.

What does it say to you?

Anything?

Not everyone goes out of their way to work as hard as I do.  There is nothing wrong with that either.

Captain American Underpants – Fire Him!

Baby Vader – Fire Him!

Female Father – Fire Her!

Envision – Fire Them All!

Orange Tire – Fire Them Both!

Bi-lingual – Fire It Forever!!

The Marriage Proposal – Fire It!!!

Edison – Fire and Kill Him!

David Kahit Wolfe – Fire Him!

James Franco – Fire Him!

You lying deceiving manipulators creating an environment of terrible-ness, of untruths, of years of fingers, of sex that I never agreed to, of never allowing my words to be spoken and heard.

NO MEANS NO!

How do I get rid of you David Wolfe, for the rest of my life?!

You will never be able to repair the harm you have done to me because of this house, because of Edison, because I’ve had to work for you!

I believe with all my heart that what I saw at the hospital and on the street was nothing more than a fabrication from you and your friends.

I no longer believe it was an Angel.

Do you know David, you never made me laugh – ever.

I want to be rid of you.

I am going through real trauma, real pain, real hurt, and what do I get in return?!  The lights on IN MY HOME THAT I DID NOT LEAVE ON!  HAIRS IN MY SINK!!!

THIS IS NOT FUNNY TO ME!

I will never watch Grand Tour again!  The only way that ACTUALLY works is if I walk in the green door which I did not!

I am out of options as far as the Post Office, I cannot go to Lakeland because it is either Watson Clinic or One Blood both of which are heavy and cause damage.  I cannot go to Plant City because it goes by Winn-Dixie which is HEAVY.  I cannot go to Riverview because it is not functioning.  I cannot got to Brandon because of smile wright.

I would rather die than have to see you again David.  I will never get gas there again.

You are on my list of worst people I know.

You are the worst employer I’ve had to work for.

I cannot forgive you for exposing my most painful stories.

How dare you!

I can’t go to a doctor because a doctor will be played by an actor?!  How dare you!!!  This is not acting on my part!  I am truthfully hurting and struggling emotionally!  What do I get?!  Pressure washing!  Heavy food!  Heavy soap!  Heavy sheets!  Heavy clothing!

I want to be rid of you David Wolfe for the rest of my life!

I will never feel the same way I once did about you ever again!

Take your eyes off of me, so I can mourn.

I am mourning.

I am mourning not only for all the loved ones, family members, friends, and animals you have killed and taken from me, I am mourning for the losses of what will never be.

I am mourning the loss of never again being able to bear children.

I am mourning the loss of my mother.

I am mourning the loss of never being able to say good-bye to her.

I am mourning the loss of all the friends I used to have because I was a good friend and people liked me.

I am mourning the loss of a sex life I will never again be able to have.  With that surgery you took away feeling, sensitivity, and the ability to be fully penetrated.  Sewn so tight it is nearly all together closed.  You took away the natural slide in and out.  It was one of the biggest reasons I lost weight, sent my mother to a nursing home, and went back to who I was before.

Our lives should never have intersected, I wouldn’t be here if they had.

Leave me alone, I am mourning.

Plus, the food control should be punished and locked away – they are a disgrace to their sex.

You will never understand me.  You might be able to see events that affected my life, but you will never understand me.

I am mourning.