Day 1,546 of my imprisonment and separation from the world and men.

No, you can fuck right off, I am not going on the Master cleanse.  If you thought about it, you would understand.

We are going on a diet, so it will be coffee for me.  Have your coffee your way, I will take mine how I like it sugar and milk.  Fat-free and artificially sweetened for now since my way of thinking about food is off the table.

Rice cakes, with peanut butter and grape jelly.

And, all the water I can drink because every day I am denied access to water and food while working leaving me dehydrated and my metabolism off.

We will not be speaking.  Look at my hair line.  I am beyond words with any of you.

I who have done NOTHING but defend the rights of all people and persons and THIS is what I get in return?

Deal Breaker.

I will be dreaming of new men.

Try that for a story, a man trying to earn back the faith, belief, and love a woman gave him.  Good luck with that, all the he’s will need it.  Oh right!  But, they were never real to begin with or I wouldn’t have to live this way!

I do not believe anymore.

There was no reason whatsoever that I should have walked in to find all the authorized only access opened.

I do not believe the events of April 23, 2018 or April 24, 2018 as they had been portrayed to me as real.

I believed them to be real.  I believed in what I was doing – it was not real.

If it was real what I got in return from my employer, from my supervisor was to be YELLED at!

I don’t believe anymore!

I have deleted Washington Post, CNN, BBC news, and Bing from my devices and computer if you want to know the reason why look at my hair line.  I am beyond words at the abuse of power.

I will not be looking around in my car anymore, I do not believe.

It was all a lie, or you wouldn’t have had to cheapen the events.

I am so beyond words of upset.  It is a deal-breaker.  It is more than a gross judgement of error.

Try getting that back, me believing in any of it.

You, every participant fucking lied.

I do not believe anyone I heard was real, anyone talking through someone else was real, I don’t believe I understand people – OR I WOULD BE TREATED DIFFERENTLY AT WORK!  TO BE YELLED AT FOR DOING THE CORRECT THING?!!!

I WILL NEVER BELIEVE AGAIN! 

DEAL BREAKER!

You have no excuse for what you did to my hair.  None.

Justifying your actions after you’ve caused damage is beyond words.  They cause damage, yet never correct their actions or misdeeds.  They never correct a problem.  A credit after a purchase is not the same as correcting a problem – it never equals the same amount.  They never correct the damage done or a problem.

You can fuck off if you think I will ever be wearing a hat to work again!  You will look at the gross damage you caused – for no reason whatsoever!

Stop using David Wolfe!  Stop hiding behind David Wolfe!  They use David Wolfe to create a reality or truths that ARE NOT REAL!

It is only beneficial to me and my employer to believe and want the best for my employer, he should NEVER be my adversary.

They honestly want me to no longer believe in the US military?  That it still has a purpose and function?  That the US no longer needs a military branch?  Are you fucking kidding me?!  Dumbest thing to think of!  Only a copy cat unable to grasp intelligent thought would think otherwise.

I no longer believe in my work.

I want another job.

Day 1,545

I am working on this.  Writing, dreaming, feeling, thinking about food.  It is difficult to say the least.  I get to a point writing in my head when…it all falls away from me.  I don’t want to move.  I don’t want anything.

I would really like to be upset about the loss of my sensuality, but then going to work and being stalked in the bathroom just adds to the problem.  I have no safe places.  Going to work is the last place I want to feel sexualized.  No person should be sexualized – AT WORK!

I should never have had to prove my sex or sexuality.

There is no reason whatsoever for me to have to live like this.  None.  It is immoral.  Decades of my life gone because I have been under surveillance.  Decades gone because being watched kept men away from me.

Before anyone creates another falsehood when I moved back home my family had adopted two cats that had been found in a plastic bag.  Anastasia, Tay-shee for short and Tiffany.

It is with great purposeful intent that I have been kept heavy and uglified, so men will not find me attractive and I will not want to be desired by men.

You have been of the wrong mind-set for me from the beginning.

I wanted to share something different, I am not a machine, feelings and emotions create my reality – not ghosts.

I am used to running 4 or 5 days a week for 45 minutes to an hour AND working out to DVD’s.  I have not been able to go running since 2016.  From 2014 to 2016 it was rough, filled with bad experiences while running.

Forget about code.

Forget about movies.

Forget about everything else…for just a moment.

An espresso and a latte not the quickly hurried lattes at coffee shops with slightly warmed milk, a properly made latte made at the proper temperature with proper proportions of espresso and milk.  In either order with a glass of water.  I baked a crusty country white bread, cut thick on the diagonal to get greater crust, fresh Amish butter slathered to the end of the crust so that the butter drips down here and there.  A generous amount of a wonderful orange marmalade, I made, slathered on the slightly toasted bread.  Toasted just enough so there are browned crusty bits and not completely browned.  Napkins are required for this meal when biting into the toast a drip a butter from the corner of your mouth appears, dab.

We eat outside.  I have an outside dining area that serves many functions that I made on my property.  Driving along, going to auctions and estate sales, I have salvaged and reclaimed wood from barns, farms, and other properties where no one else saw value.

It is a square shaped building on concrete, the walls are not solid, I’ve left out slats and lumber for there to be a breeze that will keep the structure cool – naturally.  The roof is vaulted.  The enormous rectangle table was made also from the reclaimed wood, designed to be taken apart where the table top can be stored on the wall on hooks, and a built-in for the legs.  Allowing the floor to be open for other activities.

There is a wood-burning pizza oven off in the distance with a stone path to it that can be seen from the open views of the open dining room.  There is a fireplace with a mantle on one wall for ambiance and warmth when needed.

On this day I have used my linen tablecloth from Barbados (true story) and my antiques dishes.  While we eat apple blossoms float through the air creating the sense of time – there is no hurry.

Looking around, there are wildflowers I planted next to raspberry bushes and a bubbling bird bath next to a batch of Aspens whose leaves flicker in the sunlight.

That is all I have for now, it could have been much greater.

I will be keeping some secrets between the he’s and I, only they will know where they are in my writings.

I want to live my life, not tell or write to you about it.

When I first adopted Murphy and he curled up in my lap, I told him I was going to get a rocking chair, so he and I could be more comfortable.  I told him I could read a book while he was in my lap enjoying our company, sitting and rocking.  Then, Murphy stopped sitting in my lap until fairly recently.

As if someone heard me talking to my own cat and did not like me connecting, creating a bond, and enjoying myself in my own home.  Do you understand this?  With malice, deceit, and effort while I have been living in this house someone or several people have gone out of their way to make sure I do not enjoy or have a bond with my animals.

It is disgusting.

There has been planned events with the wrong oversight and vision in place.  I had wanted to go see the movie Sicario: Day Of The Soldado, then I looked in the mirror and remembered the malicious and cruel acts of my hair breakage and loss.

You will not be seeing me there.  I am putting a stop to it.

Day 1,544

I am so far behind schedule because I had to take time off to grieve and mourn my life.  I am not creative, nor a thinker surrounded by disorder, chaos, or filth.  So, I am behind yet again.  Unable to go outside, get my packages, or my trash as it is more important to me to get this writing, out of my head to be relieved of it rather than – I am not fucking kidding here – being sent to the showers.

Do you understand this is what they are doing to me?

Sending me to the showers!

Not a single person, company, or agency stops this?!

I work the way I work and not the other way around.  I will neither apologize nor stand down from clarifying and demanding for my rights.  This is not discrimination of any kind to turn it into something it is not is an act of grand dumbness, and nothing more.  As I am having to sit on top of cardboard on my chair because of the damage a person has done improperly to my chair.  Because I dare to write – THE TRUTH!  And not the other way around.

No, I am not going to decode Jungle Book for you, I got it.  I don’t believe it.

Let it be known Murphy’s name upon adoption was Donnie.  I’ll leave you to figure out all the derivatives of the name Donnie.  Murphy with the M under the skull pattern in his fur on his head.

The three boys had so much fun with the strawberry leaves, yummy.  They ate them all.  And, had so much fun!

Lambert’s head has an antler pattern in his fur on his head, but it can be many things.  There is also a skull, it is the smallest and thinnest skull of the three boys, it also can look like a tree.

My brother was born jaundiced.  Some people know this.  Can anyone think of any song lyrics?  My brother and I differ in that my brother takes after our mother’s side of the family and I take after our father.  As far as genes are concerned.

My father’s side of the family is strong and healthy with very few health concerns.  They are Norwegians.  I’ll leave you to the history books if you need to understand more about Norwegians, conquerors, and breeding lines.

Aladdin, I watched only because of one man I saw.  I will write no more about it.

Blood drive, if you wondered why I won’t sign up for a blood drive take a look at my right leg.  I have a bruise on my right calf near my ankle from the first car “accident” that in five years has not yet healed.  I also have a Y shaped spider vein on my right leg.  Yeah, cause that’s normal!

I believe it to be food poisoning.  I do not believe I was anemic and needed surgery.  They did it on purpose.  I will never again believe otherwise.

I will never understand it either why a person or company would want to take away my ability to have children.

I am the last of my blood line.  I will not be able to have an heir.  Is this a royal connection?  If you believe it at all?  Because I will not be able to continue a blood line because I can no longer have children.

I will never understand why they have placed me here without the possibility of being able to have men.

Someone has to pay for the damage done to me.  Someone has to be held responsible for what has happened to me.

You cannot make a person gay.

I am at a loss to understand the reason to be any other purpose for the surgery, this house, and the surgery.

To be clear, I never had cancer.  The reason for my surgery was not because I had cancer.  But, then again there was no reason for me to have surgery either.

So disgusted.

It looked like Brian Wilson in the audience.  I saw him on the side of the road.  At the time, I said I wanted to extend them into my own family.  It’s a brain and heart thing.  I can’t explain.

I saw an ex-wife while driving.  There is so much pain there.

This is a family with a lot of love in it.  There is so much love.

At the time, I said they need to be able to speak to one another because there is so much love.

I heard, does Brian want help?  I said, yes.  The answer has always been yes for him.

I said that what is going on in his head might be manifesting itself physically.

I said it might be helpful to have more than one therapist perhaps at a table discussion, so that Brian could hear more than one person and not feel he is being told what to do.  Allowing him to choose the thinking he finds works best in his well of truth.

But, I am just an hourly wage employee.

There is a woman throwing flowers on stage, there seems to be more than one person as the head doesn’t match the body nor do the mannerisms match the event.

There were actually lots of people.

I have a limit.

It’s like code.  Code is a machine or a program that can function on its own.  Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…it’s a metered-out mechanism.

I have a limit because it cannot be done in the same way it is used in a room.

Having me go back and write, because they demand of me at my paying job, is not how it is used in a room.  There is more than one type of room.  Some are bigger than others.

The way a person talks to each other in a room in not the same way you might speak to them outside of a room.

There is the young blonde man wearing a sweater who on the surface looks fine, yet why does he look like an orphan to me?  Did he get held?  Talked to?  Cuddled?  Played with while growing up without parents?

It is a big deal that I talked about in my head while at work because the children, children become citizens of our future.  They are the doctors, nurses, lawmakers, and the caregivers when we get old and need help taking care of ourselves.

I could go on another multi-page docket about the need to protect our children…I am behind schedule, I am only one person and yesterday was not good for me.

This one I imagine people have been waiting for although my guess he is not a big breakfast person just like me.  I am not writing it in a Coffee and Breakfast, I am going to do something else there instead.  Wearing a long jacket – there is another song there – he was walking in the background of the theatre – this Russian man.

Thinking of a theory while at work they prompted Whoopi Goldberg’s relative to walk by me in hopes I would share my thought – It must be really threatening for a man to see a woman with and using physical strength.

So, he wore the long jacket because she was wearing a long jacket.

The theory being that if there was a “terrorist-type” criminal being detained, they had a captive audience.  They could stream footage to one or multiple persons being held and detained.

Now, I don’t follow this thinking because it is illogical.

Listen, it is illogical for any person to not want for the betterment of all of man-kind.

However, if a man of a certain thinking saw me with great strength, unashamed how very threatening it would be to his thinking as I would be seen as an equal in thought, in respect, and position.

An equal who could stand beside him.

Let me remind you there is an Old Testament and a New Testament.  We live in New Testament times.

Another essay I could write about the purpose of living by grace, but I would rather write other stories.

At times, I quite despise puzzle pieces.  I am of the complete and absolute understanding that people do not have the complete truth – I do.

When I was trying to sell put family home – I never should have done, I should still be living there – a family, who appeared to be of Indian descent “pretended” to look at my home as if they were going to buy it.

How they lied to my brother.  How they lied to my father.  How they pretended and lied to my mother.

This family, the “grandfather” type ate pistachio’s.  He left pistachio shells throughout my home.  Who does that?  Who walks around a house as if it is the outside?!

Can you un-see a person?

Can you go back in time a never meet a man?  Never see his face or body?  How I wish this was possible.

I don’t believe in this anymore.  I believe it is all tricks and ways of putting information in my head rather than the real thing.  If it was the real thing, I would be getting better communication, credit.

I am writing specifically that this is not real.  Because to me this is real.  There needs to be more done for me, I will write no more about the lack on your end.

I always say it the same way, I always take my calls the same way, I always spiel the same way.  This I said more than once when I worked at Hilton.  I explained to more than one supervisor, it was a strategy I used to make sure I would get my scores the company used as grading to ensure quality.  I said my spiel the same every time so that I did not have to think, there could be no question.  It also allowed my supervisors to have faith in me and my work.  This is not the first time I used this way of working.

Using a former football player was done not for me, or for sports.  I believe they wanted me to write about this for some reason.

When I left Hilton, people know about this, yet it seems not every person involved is aware of this information.  When I left Hilton, I was in shock as I was at such a loss over David Wolfe.  When I returned to school in the fall and he was no longer there it was not the same for me anymore.  He meant so much to me I was in shock that a man in my life was gone – forever.

His best friend Andrew something…did his last name start with an S…I never formally met him.  However, I believe one afternoon after class Andrew followed me to my car calling my name, I didn’t turn around, Andrew gave up and left.

My guess is David missed and needed me too or his friend wouldn’t have tried to contact me.  Perhaps it is best that we never got to be friends again.  I was in shock and mourning a friendship gone.

If you are interested – Fair Game.  Opening montage, blonde woman in black and tan or khaki (for shoes I wore) is me at Hilton, men at back of truck all different pictures edited together, is this the VP of a different color?  Close shot of man’s eyeballs – real video of an interrogation.

Is this a picture of Oliver Stone?

Man, on bus meant to look like a Roy Campbell, eyes, not real color or shadow – FUCKING PROBLEM!

Belly of a man at the airport – HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM!

Operative, I see, I will not tell you the direction.

Are you actually using surveillance footage…of like, Saddam Hussein palace and residence and piecing it into films?  Or just mine?

Goddammit!  Who is facing me at the bar?!

No, I don’t like him.  This man walking opposite of a heavier version of a “me”.  No, no, no, no, no.

These two men at the table…are working?  Watching.  Real.

Don’t tell me that curly-haired boy-man is a real royal?

No, don’t tell me that man wearing a guard’s uniform is not that bad man I think he is.

Execution feet while Bush is speaking?!

I don’t know this spliced together face of the UK, but it is not all that it appears to be,

Mass murderer – you cut his hair and shaved his beard to shame him, tell me he is not a mass murderer.

Bad kid.

Or none of this is real at all.

You should know as I am sending this to my blog, I’ve dumped this information out of my head.  I will not retain it.

How many jobs do you expect me to have and do anyway?

Some people will find this information interesting.  The last grade I finished in public school was ninth.  I was home-schooled for a while went to night school, but the last grade in public school was ninth.  Then, ten years later I went to college.

Day 1,543.

Day 1,542 – this is how long it has been since I have been segregated and separated from the human population and world.  I calculated it from April 1 of 2014 that is approximately how long I’ve known this house; my life is a complete sham and charade.  I discovered this because of that worst dating experience of my life.

And, everyone involved knew how I would respond and react and that it would send me into a life of complete separation from men, my family, and relationships.

I want my life back.

Talking is important.

Hands are not enough.  My hands are not enough, they never have been.

People – men and women were not created to live alone, or God would have stopped when he made man.  He created men and women, so they could have each other.

I have been a subject of heterosexual discrimination since before I moved here, or I would be allowed to have male relationships and men in my life.

I am not interested in reporting or writing about what I see every night.  I want a real life with a real man I can really talk to, make love to, and be provided for.

A Theory

A theory: if you are to take the show Electric Dreams and use parts of it as real, then here is my theory.  A person or persons – who had no business whatsoever to do this as I have never lied about my sexuality, orientation, or anything – with their own agenda could not “read” me one way or another.  Because there is a difference between me caring about a person’s sexual orientation and it applying to me.

No, I am not going to go on a writing rampage about seeing that woman who is not my grandfather or that woman on a motorcycle.

So, with great cruelty and degradation they set a trap to permanently injure, harm, sever, my sex, my sex-life knowing it would forever change me.

It is so very hurtful, harmful, and cruel I can barely write about it.

Remember I have been followed and surveilled for decades.  They know who I am.  They make excuses for their actions – nothing more.

What could be the purpose of placing a man in a skin-suit to date me and have sex with me?

I will only ever be able to see it as a rape since they defrauded not only the website that I used to try and meet men, but also the persons who participated.

They knew I was aware of things without complete knowledge.

They knew how I would react once I discovered the deception.

They knew that once I realized the person was not the man he said he was that his penis was not real that I would never want to have sex again.

That I would never want to have sex again.

They knew it.

They did work on me.

I believe they did the work so that I would never want to have sex with a man again.

To shame, degrade, and humiliate me so thoroughly that I would never want to have sex with a man again.

It can be the only reason.

The woman walking in front of my house with a motorcycle helmet on pretending or trying to be a man this morning is another example of it.  This is also why I will not write about the hate crimes you tried to make me believe.

I am not gay.

You cannot create, make, or force a person to be gay.

It would be the same as telling a gay person they are only able to have sex with straight people.  Or, trying to turn a gay person straight.  It is the same thing.

It is so hurtful that any person would go to such great lengths to injure me, my sex, my sex-life, and my sexual orientation – I am beyond words.

This includes every person involved with it – including David Wolfe, including that man on the side of the road.  Because that man on the side of the road has been playing against me.  Please stop lying to me.

A man like that on the side of the road would never be interested in a woman like me.

I am attracted to a man like that, but he will never be attracted to me.

Please stop lying about love and marriage.

A man does not meet a woman, then plan separation for years and years.  A woman does that.  A man will always choose flesh.  A man does not hold out, a woman does that.  A man will always choose a younger, thinner, prettier woman.  Always.

To clarify: The woman/madam in Sherlock Holmes, in that episode – this confuses people because not every bit, not every detail is exact, they did not believe I would be able to create the connections or puzzle pieces – when John Watson says, I am not gay, and she says, well, I am – this dialogue line is my brother.  So, confusing to people not to me.

In that instance, I am John Watson, she is my brother.  My brother is gay.  I am not.  It is a here and there bits and pieces.  Since, there is this mind-set of neither confirming nor denying rather than verifying facts, I am constantly having to correct faulty and wrong thinking and arrangements.

They used my brother and his phone to speak to me.  My brother was constantly getting calls from a Sebastian, I did not want to pry, but it did not seem real.

To clarify: If anyone is interested, I am not concerned or allowing days of the week, or numbers, or any electronic devices to rule, govern, or decide anything for me – just like everyone else in the rest of the world.

Your rules no longer apply, they never did.

A great uneasiness is wearing on me.  An uneasiness I can’t quite explain nor understand.

It started sometime yesterday that had nothing to do with the brilliantly minded pizza delivery man.  He is a bit off the charts, isn’t he?  He is in a spectrum and stratosphere unlike anything I’ve seen or have been around recently.

What must that be like to be so high on the IQ numbers?  Does the rest of the world seem dull in comparison?

The closest way I can explain what I saw – if this is real – is his brain, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, his brain neurons firing in every direction at once and he is able to watch, look, see, and understand it all at the same time.  Magnificent.

Please do not take “bing” and turn it into anything other than a sound effect or visualization.

Can we please stop being dumb?  Dumb = B, mud.  Sorry, I am working on too many things at the same time.  I mean nothing serious by the code.

As I am looking up the word neuron to make sure what I mean is the actual meaning because I can understand things, words, theories, etc. without the education.  I can understand things I shouldn’t based on my education, background, and experience.

I remember my mother remarking about it when I spoke about something when I was still single digit young.  This is a good example of how the public-school testing failed me, as well as, teachers failed me.  Too much to share now.

Either this is real or it is not.  They do a lousy job of letting me know when I am right.  When I am correct.  I go to work only to be yelled at for doing the correct thing.

No, I don’t want to go faster at work.  The numbers are too high.

There was no reason for me – EVER – to be yelled at or any negative communication whatsoever!

Need I remind you I am the reason any of you are here to begin with!  Not the other way around!  It is my brain FIRST!  Not the other way around!

They do a terrible job of communicating with me to me when I am correct!

I am standing in my doorway trying to remember the tip I had already calculated when I stop because I want to know who this pizza man is.  It threw me for a moment since he works to capture very dangerous people.

So, either I did that on my own, or they did that.  Which is it?!

If you saw them, these very dangerous people you would see how Hollywood has nothing on the real thing.  Acting is an art.  Dangerous people are criminals.  They are worlds apart and a huge difference to be made.  They are not the same thing.

Somebody needs to start telling me – truthfully – rather than trying to skew the response or results.

To be clear, I am not taking God out of the equation because He is real.  God does exist.  The fact that they have a sign that says “You belong here” has nothing to do with a shirt I own.

Let me explain, “It’s a brain thing, you wouldn’t understand” has to do with “you” = Universal.  Universal is where I received my license plate DJD G13.  Going back to a bad dating experience that never should have happened, I will write more about it in another writing.

DJD G13 – should never have happened.  You’ll read about it.  What a terrible injustice that has been done to me.

You do not have to believe me when I say God exists.  But, He does.  He knows me.  We’ve talked.  We talk all the time.  It’s just…that…we used to talk better before moving here and everything that has gone on with it.

I didn’t want to do this because I do not believe in it anymore.

I do not believe in my work anymore.

However, last Tuesday night for me, June 19, 2018 what a terrible person.  Either I heard the behavioral psychologist, or they told me that is who he was when I heard his voice.  His voice was Monday, June 18, 2018.  Then, I hear, no – I know based on how I feel not a good person is sharing my brain.

You do realize I do not get to say no?!

It takes several minutes.  10?  15?  Or less?  Time is so meaningless since it is so long during the night.  I cannot determine an exact number.

When…

SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE.

If this is real at all this one was different in that this person wants…I said she wants to hurt herself.  While at work I said in my head, she as I believed it was a woman, wanted to kill herself.  I said it was gruesome.  I said I hope she is not around any children because that would be a bad thing and dangerous.

However, this is not the complete truth.  I felt she wanted to kill herself because she wants to hurt and kill others.

I don’t know if she has a specific person or persons, she has “this” in her that she cannot get rid of and she believes harming others and harming herself is the answer.

It is NEVER the answer.

Never the answer in reference to the “this”.  Some people will understand “this” I cannot go on a 100-page dissertation about the exact meaning of one word.

This woman needs help.

God help us.

God help us all.

Either it is real, or they place it all in my brain.

If it is real – I want some goddamn credit!

Or, leave me alone!

An uneasiness.  I want it gone!