A Smile Series

I had started writing thank you’s to people I have seen as a way of involving myself instead of passively having something constantly done to me.  However, there have been many problems for me simply for being grateful, gracious, and creatively aware.  I have endured a lot of physical, emotional, and psychological pain simply because of how I see the world and others, and I am unafraid to show and share the tough, difficult, indelicate, and all those details and things that are unpopular, and uncomfortable.

So, I have decided after much thought to end the series.  I do not see the benefit to me or purpose in continuing something that only keeps me separate from the rest of the world.

Perhaps it is because I had such a terrible day at work today.  Overtime with no work causing me to lose faith.  Bad, terrible day at work for no reason.

Perhaps it is because I am mushy brain exhausted.  I don’t know.  I want a change.  There is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to have a better paying job.  There isn’t any reason I cannot find other employment.

I am greatly unhappy for no reason or cause.

I don’t smile anymore anyway.

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

I believe I have already published this story, however it is not ticked off my list of stories I am taking out of someone else’s hands.  So, I apologize if I am repeating myself.

David Wolfe:

Forever Moments: FBI Profiler

By: Cherith J Gjestland

Walking in the door, our eyes met.  I took my seat in my usual place noticing his eyes went from mine to my feet which made me look at my own shoes.  Was there something wrong with them?  Did my feet look funny in my thong sandals?  Did he know I had changed shoes before I got there?  Had it not been for the test that was to take place on that day I am sure with the rest of the class, I would not have shown up for the guest speaker.

He started with a case he had worked previously.  Explaining the case was about a murder.  How they went about finding the murderer, the murder weapon, and the intent behind the murder.  I knew there was to be a guest speaker that day, but that was all.  When he introduced himself, I didn’t quite make the connection between psychology class and the FBI.

Now days there are so many television shows, CSI franchises, NCIS franchises, police shows that share the in’s and out’s of police and detective work audiences are blasé and disconnected from the real crime.  However, when he showed up at my college classroom none of those shows existed yet.  I had never seen nor had any knowledge of the process in which a person pursues a case.  I say this for a very distinct reason.  There is a world of difference between real and make-believe.  You would think this would be understood.  Yet, I believe most people are unaware on an unconscious level while watching television as entertainment the real place from which it stems.

Perhaps because it was before the times of the CSI’s, NCIS’, and Hawaii 5-0’s that seem almost too common place anymore, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to see nor its effect it had on me.  Your own personal history is something that never leaves you, it shapes your perception, and how you and the world interact.

As he spoke pictures from the case appeared on the overhead projector.  A dead woman lying naked face down in the street in front of a storm drain.  He kept talking and talking and the picture stayed up there.  He talked some more, and the picture remained the same.  Do I look at him?  Do I look at the picture?  Do I look away?  Do I doodle and pretend I am not listening?  Do I look at what he is referring to and pretend not to be effected?  Do I look at the ceiling?  Do I play with my backpack?  Do I rearrange my notebook, pencil, pen, and book again?  Do I look out the window?  I couldn’t the blinds were closed.  Do I keep looking at the person lying dead?

Then, came the photographs of the pig carcass that they used to replicate and determine the murder weapon.  Until then I would not have known the process of such an event.  Determining that a hammer was used to kill the victim.  A hammer?!  Who?  What?  How could anyone?  I would never have thought something like that was possible.

He went into detail about color, color choice, and its use in the field.  How he believed based on the evidence the perpetrator was a man closest to the victim, drove a red truck, was in the construction business, and was a domestic violence abuser.

Then, he stopped.

He went to his briefcase explaining he hadn’t eaten lunch yet took out a plain Hershey’s milk chocolate bar and began to eat it.  I sat there unable to understand what the fuck he was doing in that exact moment.  Who has a chocolate bar for lunch?  How could he possibly eat?

I wanted to run outside.  I wanted to breathe fresh air.  I wanted to leave all my things and wait in the courtyard until class was over.  It seemed to be the longest class yet, and there was still a test to take afterward.

Somewhere, I don’t remember where exactly I shut-down and stopped listening.  I heard the words, I saw the people, I was aware of what was going on, but my mind stopped.  I was in shock.

He finally finished speaking and left the classroom.

My teacher stood in front of the class.  I tried to bring my mind back to the test subject matter for which I had studied when she spoke, I have decided not to give the test today.  Relief washed over me.  I was unprepared for the subject matter our speaker was going to share today because of its nature I believe it’s best to have the test on our next class day, she explained.

Maybe she was worried if students did poorly on the test they would go to the Dean and complain about the speaker.  Or, maybe she herself was not prepared to view a real murder crime scene instead of the prettily placed fake blood we are accustomed to from television and movies.  For there is no way to truly replicate real, or the effect something real creates.

I wish I could erase those crime scene photos from my brain.  It horrified me even though I did not know the person.  When he spoke, there were moments of little pin pricks that touched my skin, my ears, all over me.  It was what he created in the room – at least for me if no one else.

There must be a fine line to walk between objectivity and callousness.  For it will be hard to forget class that day.

 

Freedom Of Speech

Just in case anyone forgot.

First Amendment to the United States Constitution.

…the freedom of speech, the freedom of the press,…

One of the things I used to do while staying up all night while caring for my mother was take it upon myself to further, expand, and increase my mind.  I realized I did not know the Constitution in its entirety, so I looked it up, wrote it down, and kept it for reference.

So Sad

My Maurice is the saddest cat I have ever known.  I have had him for over a year and he is still so sad.  My Mauritz-zi.  He has the most remarkable marking, he is full of amazing color, however he is so sad he hardly plays at all.

I am the saddest I have ever been.  Tonight.  And ever day any more.  Perhaps he picks it up from me, but I believe whatever happened before I adopted him altered his innocent spirit.

Maurice is the saddest boy I have ever known.

I am the saddest girl I have ever known.

Declassified Files: A Series Of True Events Being Brought To Light

June 16, 2017

Dear Mr.              ,

You have a very odd way of gaining a persons’ trust.  At this moment, I am so disappointed in you.  I am so very disappointed in my            too.  I felt I had no other alternative other than to purchase another mat, and more locks.

From now on you will take direction from me.

  1. Previously established rules have come to an end.
  2. This will be the start of something new, something better, something far more creative, something far more worthwhile.
  3. The days and nights of laundry-tech, or altering of my food in any such manner are at an end.
  4. Proxy’s are at an end. You may be too literal for me.  I do not see people as their skin color, or size and shape, or any other such matter, which is the very reason I was         in the first place.  For my ability to see beyond.
  5. H     d is at an end.
  6. I am the            , so I will be choosing me                                                                  .
  7.     , and    are at an end.
  8. Bloating, adding calories, causing weight gain, or water weight or any other such non-sense are at an end.
  9. United States and International will work together from now on.
  10. This is no longer a contest of US vs. International, or black and white vs. color, or men vs. women, gay vs. straight, or cat vs. dog, or horses, or babies, or funny vs. serious, or any other competing notion.
  11. There is no reason whatsoever that I should have been          up.   End of discussion.  No one       harder than me, or does more than me.
  12. From now on this will be about creativity, and nuance of performance.
  13. No longer will I                    with my            orders. From now on they will be                           .
  14. There will be no more                 in my home or at            .
  15. I absolutely hate the graffiti on my counters, appliances, driveway, sidewalks, etc. There will be no more, let me show you something, let me teach you something.
  16. There will be no more pregnancies, no more babies, no more animal shows, no more         , no more                       , etc.
  17. From now on both                       will work together, regardless of what the “labels” upon them might have said.
  18. You will fill that hole                                            .
  19. I will place my                            .  The only reason I ordered this week on                                                                                                       .  From now on there will be no more pushing, or s                for        to overcome, etc.
  20. From now on there will be no more constant change this, and fix that, and buy this, and buy that. This is what has kept me from being able to file bankruptcy for the last three years.  I will leave – at the moment – the previous two years before that out of it.  This is what has kept me constantly behind, late, and in a hole.
  21. There will be no more altering of                                               anything else I use.
  22. From now on there will not be cameras, or videoing, or viewing of me while I am in my home, or porch, or outside in my neighborhood. It can be done.
  23. From now on it there will be no difference between glass vs. can. In this way, you have taken away my good taste and left me with bland and boring.  I must have flavor and variety.
  24. There will be a “cease fire” so to speak on my                                    . This has all taken too much time and energy, and robbed me of my creative talents.
  25. You will keep that person who “played the part of a date” out of my life,      , or in any way that person has been connected with what has been going on. That person will be replaced.  Not a match in any way.
  26. I reserve the right to change anything at any time for any reason especially if it has a negative effect upon me. The only reason I purchased the                            coffee is this – I will always love cars.  I have enjoyed                  before as a brand.  I have enjoyed the taste.  I appreciate their proceeds going to charity.  I did not order the coffee because of any proxy.  It was not a purchase made because of my brother’s wedding.  It was a purchase I was already going to make before anything happened, or anything I saw               .
  27. I will not be treated as a dog anymore. I will not be beaten, punished in any way anymore.
  28. From now on this will not be a matter of                    vs. a  .
  29. From now on their will be no more painting black. It’s disrespectful, so unnecessary, and outrageous.
  30. The multi-part series will not in any way be connected to clothing and what I wear.
  31. You will fix the coffee                   without any additional cost to me.
  32. You will fix any other                I am unaware of at this time at NO additional cost to me.
  33. Don’t you see that my writing             and directing          instead is so much more creative! So much more interesting.  It is not the first time I have directed, and it is not entirely the same thing.  However, it is enough to be considered directing.
  34. Smile Series: Thank You, this will be the blurbs about who I see.
  35. Director’s Chair: Title Goes Here, this will be about the movies, shows I watch.
  36. Working Title, I haven’t thought of a name at the moment. This will be stories that I share and write.
  37. As I see it upon each of these it is possible to expand upon, build dimension and texture, add nuance to, and so forth.
  38.                      , I call you that because then you are not a     , or              , you are a man. I have been surrounded by so many childish and juveniles that I must make this distinction.  So, Mr.             it is my request that you follow through with these requests in a professional capacity –                  if you want to put a title to it – if you so desire or are inclined.
  39. There will be no more button pushing                                    .
  40. There will be no more slowing me down                         .
  41. There will be no more air-filter problems.
  42. There will be no more air effects, added fragrance, or any other way of invading my air space.
  43. From now on there will be no more connection between the background or picture on my computer and my                   .
  44. From now on there will no more connection between my                                                             .
  45. From now on this will be about story-telling, performance, creative collaboration, and me.
  46. From now on I will not have to hawk phlegm for any reason.
  47. From now on the path and route to         is set and will not change.
  48. From now on the walk path at          is set and will not change.
  49. I am not going to have time this week for any Director’s chair, however in the future I plan on writing Director’s chair notes, and stories on                     . I should be able to do Smile blurbs               .
  50. I have to be allowed to stick to a budget.
  51. Filing bankruptcy is a priority                                       , etc.
  52. I want to make sure I am understood; the performances will not be on my part. I am not a performer, an actor, singer, or even a writer.  This I have understood very well in these last few years.  I’ve simply not had a choice.  I cannot pretend.
  53. This is by no means a complete list. I know these are neither difficult nor expensive changes.
  54. I need to go back to the days about being excited about going to       like I was at       that’s where my last good writings happened.
  55. Please understand, the only reason I walk that path at                                                                  television, and no other reason. I simply have no choice, or choices anymore.
  56. I do get to come here to this computer and journal, but not everything is available for use. I will try to make sure when something is not for use.
  57. I have to be able to                 in any lane available.
  58. The             driving has to end.
  59. There will be no more growing of my body!
  60. There will be no more dressing me as a doll.
  61. There will be no more assigning meaning to my clothes.
  62. I get to wear all my clothes. I just do not have enough clothes, and the days of wearing the same jeans every day are over.
  63. I need you Mr.              to not be quite so literal, and to take things in the spirit of which they are intended and side of goodness.
  64. I need you to fix the pranks pulled on me.

Bad Dreams

That’s all I have anymore – bad dreams.

My Fuzzy One Kenobi, my Seniõr Fluffy Pants, my Lambchop Legs, My Pumpkin – my Thursday was one of the best cats I’ve ever had.  He was nothing but brightness, he had a light in him that never faded.  Even if he was hurting or in pain there was such brightness about him.  He was always a joy for me to be around.  He was more like a dog than a cat to me.  He would come running to the door just like a dog greeting his master when I returned home.

He was smaller than the palm of my hand when we brought him home.  Originally, he was supposed to be my mother’s cat after Sundae was put to sleep.  I took my mother all over town for days trying to find a cat for my mother who was still grieving.  We went to people’s houses that had placed ads, to the pound, to pet stores, it was a gruelling process watching my mother not be able to give up her love for the cat she had lost.

Finally, we went to our vet which has one of the greatest vets and people I’ve had the privilege to know.  Dr. Marks is a selfless vet who is more interested in giving great care to animals who might not otherwise get to receive it than a fancy name plate.  He is truly a great man.  We went in on the off-chance they might know of anyone who had kittens.  The receptionist left and returned with this tiny ball of orange and white fluff that came bounding out of her hands climbed up to me putting his nose and mouth on my mouth – completely unafraid, unashamed, and full of life.  He stood out from all the other cats and kittens we had seen over the days.

The receptionist wanted to make sure he was going to be an indoor cat since on one paw he only had two claws – the rest of his paw looked like a clear-cut.

I leash trained both Tuesday and Thursday to go on walks with me.  I had a stroller that I would also take them for walks.  I took them both for car rides.  I was preparing them for when my mother and I were going to move away.

It was only a few weeks after we adopted Thursday – on a Thursday – that my mother asked me to take over as his mother, caregiver, and his person.  My mother wanted a cat that would stay in her room at night, and Thursday was not interesting in being confined.  He had a mind of his own which he did not see anything wrong with using.  He wanted to be free to do as he pleased.  He was in no way a bad cat.  Simply, if he wanted to go from one room to the next, he wanted the freedom to do so.  This is how he became my cat.  I did not have such rules for him – there was no need.

He had the cutest little legs I just had to pinch and sqeezes them all the time.  He was so fluffy, bounding with light – always.  He was super smart.  He loved to be with people.  He loved to be in the kitchen with me with a constant, what are you doing, all about him.  He loved water.  He was fascinated with faucets.  He was a most special cat that I am still grieving for.

Too-too, my Toots-McGoots, my Tuesday – adopted on a Tuesday – became my cat after placing my mother in a home.  She was my mother’s cat.  Tuesday fell instantly in love with my Babee Bear as soon as she was brought to our home.  She loved him, loved him, loved him.  She was completely devoted to Babee Bear.  She was only six weeks old when we brought her home, but she was all Bear’s from the first moment.  Bear loved her too, but he was an old man.  He was not about to put on such a display as she did.

My guess is that my mother hoped Tuesday and Thursday would have a lifelong companionship like Friday and Sundae since Babee Bear was a confirmed bachelor of old age.  Babee Bear was 100% devoted to me and me alone.  There was no one else in the whole world for Bear than me.  It was nice for me to be able to see Bear and Tuesday together.  Babee Bear deserved all the love in the world.

At the end, Babee Bear was in so much pain.  He never complained.  It was like his mother’s rejection he took it as his cross to wear.  But, it was all over him, everywhere.  He was in tremendous pain.  The life my Babee Bear got to live.  If you only got to read about it.

Thursday had no exact age since the vet had no idea of his real age, he had simply been dropped off.  I have no idea what happened to him before he got to the vet, but he seemed as if he was not used to eating regularly.  He had been taken away from his mother too early – he was that small.  He would eat food like a vacuum instead of licking his food.  He would eat so much his belly would swell like a blown balloon about to pop.  But, it didn’t take much time before his stomach returned to its shape.  It was months before he finally started growing.  Tuesday was much bigger and healthier than him.  But, Thursday’s spirit never dampened.

Thursday used to love sweet potatoes.  He didn’t even need butter.  He wanted to know everything.  He wanted to know every person that came to the house.  Who are you?  He was a most special cat in every way.

I am still so upset.

The stories I could come up with from my time before that monorail man took and stole my whole life away.

I suppose it might not be interesting to anyone else, but me.  However, I doubt that and I do not feel that is true.  But, I see no way to be able to write them given my present situation and circumstance.

It’s an easy fix if it were up to me, but no one listens to me.  Nor, do they listen to me correctly.

I am so ashamed of myself that both he and Tuesday are no longer with me.  I thought my brother was going to be taking care of them for me for a short time since things here in this house were so bad I was having more than a hard time functioning.

It is a loss that cannot be replaced. Continue reading “Bad Dreams”

Imagine

Imagine a world where you did not have the power to say no.

Imagine a place without the ability to say no.

No is a powerful word.

Just two letters, but its meaning is definite.

Imagine a world where you cried NO, and screamed NO, and begged NO, and pleaded for an end.  But, it never stopped.

Imagine a world where you were blind-folded, bound to a bed and passed around from man to man, person to person never knowing who was touching you with no control over your own orgasm, or privacy, or control over who was watching you as it happened.

Imagine a world where a person had the means to push a button and make you cum on command.

Imagine a world where a person – without your knowledge or permission – could touch every personal and private part of your body along with every other part of your body without the ability to stop it or deny the access.

Imagine if you were placed on display in front of the whole world as random and various people poked and prodded your body just so they could watch you.

Imagine a world where you could tell no one as you were being invaded and raped because how else could you see it when it constantly changed from hand to hand and you could never see the other side or person.

Imagine never being able to have friends, or family, or relationships ever again.

Imagine being absolutely alone while being surrounded by people.

Imagine never being able to eat with other people.

Imagine what it would be like to have access denied to stores and business.

Imagine being unable to seek employment of your choice.

Imagine having people placed in front of you taking away your control and power of choice as they showed you the only thing you were allowed to do.

Imagine never being clean again.

Imagine never being able to shower or bathe again.

Imagine never being able to wash your clothes.

Imagine every time you took a shower someone was watching you.

Imagine every time you used soap it never washed off, it stayed in your crotch screaming at you.  So, every moment of your life is SCREAMING – CROTCH, VAGINA, CROTCH, VAGINA, CROTCH, VAGINA every moment of your day.

Imagine being unable to live where you choose or want.

Imagine being unable to choose your own path or driving route to work.

Imagine your own family doctor you’ve known for more than twenty years is replaced by a television actor denying you access to medical care.

Imagine your mother and brother are replaced by actors denying you family connection and relationship.

Imagine you said no.

Imagine you said no millions of times.

Imagine you kept screaming no, and you had no means to stop it.

Imagine wanting to kill yourself every day just so it would end.

Imagine never being able to have a personal thought ever again.

Imagine doing what your told as your told, then being treated as a slave.

Imagine telling people for years and years of the abuse, of the torture, screaming for an end to something you never wanted, and never being heard, and having no one to act upon your behalf.

Imagine time and time again someone, something being placed in front of you taking away your power to choose and free will.

Imagine never being allowed to sleep again.

Imagine not being allowed and able to have the power of when and where to sleep.

Imagine having the power of choice being taken away from you.

Imagine being hypnotized, drugged, and your brain scoured for memories and people, stealing your right and power to have your own memories.

Imagine never being able to walk outside again.

Imagine never being able to go outside again.

Imagine a life and a world where you were never able to love again.

Imagine living without love.

Imagine a life where you could never be allowed to love a man and never be allowed to live as husband and wife – ever.

Imagine being treated as a sex slave, forced and told when to get off or else.

Imagine how you would feel about sex and your own body after being treated as such.

Imagine years and years and years of this sort of life.

Imagine it was your employer who blindfolded you and bound you to your bed.

Imagine never being able to tell anyone.

Imagine never being able to scream as someone probed your anus in front of an audience or even in your own home.

Imagine your home is a television set without one moment where someone isn’t watching.

Imagine every time you left your home someone came behind you to alter, hurt, and destroy your hope, trust, violating the sanctity of your private home.

Imagine never being allowed to choose your own clothing, groceries, stores to purchase from, or gas stations.

Imagine a life where all power to choose is taken away from you.

Imagine emotionally starving to death from a lack of physical intimacy.

Imagine a life without free will.

Imagine being gutted as a pig to be used as a human test subject.

Imagine your employer – regardless of where you worked – set you up for failure, treating you less than equal to every other worker, never promoting you, helping you, or giving you a raise.

Imagine your employer, or neighbor, or neighborhood purposefully hurting and harming you for laughs by entering your home and vehicle to watch as you cried, were hurt and harmed, doused and abused.

If you can imagine every single one of these things happening to you.  If you can imagine with pure empathy how it could feel living like this you might for one moment have the smallest ounce of what it might feel like to be me.