Talking Outloud

Is it really so hard to be able to have a job where it does not matter what road I drive, what lane I drive, what door I go through, where I place my water bottle, what shoes I wear, how I wear my hair, how I walk, where I walk, where I place my feet, what toilet I use, what toilet paper I use, which roll of toilet paper I use, what food I eat, what food I don’t eat, what I drink, where I park, how I park, how my garage is organized, what color I use for something, what product I use for this or that, on and on.

I want my life back in my control.

I should have ignored the people at work.  I should have left the tape on my garage sensors.  The last thing I need and want in my life is more work, hard times, hardship, chaos, confusion, problems, and grief.

I pay for my own internet it shouldn’t be accessed.

I am tired of being told what to buy, when to buy, what time of day to

But, then I could have had a life.  I could have found a job in a store worked my way up to management, or a buyer, or a merchandiser, or a trainer.  But, somehow every single application never seemed to get anywhere.  As if it was being stopped before it could reach the destination.  There is no reason why any business or company wouldn’t want to hire me.

I am tired of protecting you David by not speaking out about you more.  I won’t do it anymore.  I’m calling you out here you can choose to read it and respond or not.  But, I am tired of constantly having to make concessions to you and for you!

Do you not understand I believe you have ruined my life.  For the rest of my life – you are to blame.

All these years I could have been sharing a real life with a man that I loved and more importantly who would love me.  A man who was born a man, will always be a man, and loves women who love men.  Not some phony in a disguise.  Not some play actor wearing a skin suit.  Not some ghost virtually living in my house.  But, a real man.

Years of my life you have taken from me – David!  Years!  For nothing.  All because I made you laugh once?!  I wish I had never met you, and I don’t see that changing.  Because David you are frightened of me.  You are scared to talk to me.  And, I don’t think you have the balls to talk to me which is why you always let me walk on by every time we’ve seen each other.

Of Course I Want My Money Back!

It’s hurtful!

It’s harmful!

I do not care for one moment if I’ve seen a celebrity, or famous person, or someone even related to a celebrity or famous person.  What matters is the person.  What matters is who the peson is, and when the interaction has a negative effect upon myself – as I deem it to be hurtful, harmful and negative it is a terribleness not worth living and not worth enduring.

I would never go out of my way to hurt someone – anyone male or female.  I would never ladel extra calories into someone’s food especially knowing they worked so hard to lose over 100lbs.  The emotional trauma is a great sin to do to another human being.

It is truly hurtful to go to work and be treated with such disrepect.  I could have written other things, you choose for me.

It’s not much of a secret.  Famous actors and celebrities put on disguises wear black paint and pretend to work with me.  It’s honestly not that interesting to me.

Hurting and harming someone is a problem.  Hurting and harming me – is a big problem.

Head Amd Heart Sick

David, James, David – it is hardly a secret or classified if the whole world knows about it.

Don’t worry David, I won’t speak to you in movies as you did to me and I did in return that time has long since passed.

There is no going back to what was once before.

Communication is what?  And let’s not think too much about that – the spirit of the saying implies actual face to face conversation.  That is to say no disguise, or proxy of any sort, etc.

How you have taken the richness of my love and kindness, and treated me as an animal or a toy without any regard for my wishes.

I am beyond anger anymore.

Help, Please

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to introduce myself, let you know some things about myself, what you can expect from me, and what I expect in return.  I want to make absolutely certain and understood what I will not tolerate within the workplace, in my free time, in my home, in my life, and in any other way I have not yet mentioned within the context of this letter.  I want to make clear and certain what the spirit of this letter intends if there is any room for doubt, or unmentioned specifics.

In applying for this job, I will not be playing a key role of any kind or sort.  I am unable to pretend I am anyone other than myself.  I will not copy myself after anyone.  I do speak English rather well; however, I do not speak code of any sort.  Also, if you want to know what I am thinking, ask me, I will respond out loud.  You will not have to go so far as the recesses of my brain for any knowledge about me.

I am not a spy, or a secret agent with any skill set.  I am not a dog, or a cat, nor am I any other kind of animal.  I am a middle-aged woman, so the time I was a baby has long since expired, therefore, I do not need to be housebroken, or toilet-trained at all.  It has no place whatsoever in the work place to begin with.

I am not a detective, or an investigator, or a police woman.  I am not a guinea pig, or a lab rat to be researched and tested upon.  I will not need to be told what to eat, when to eat, how much to consume, when to drink, or in any order by management, or by any other means.

I am not an actress.  I do not have the stomach for it.  I am not a singer, or a performer, a painter, an artist, or a writer.  I have a very good brain, so I am not in need to be told what food, clothing, or supplies to purchase.  I do not need to be told how to spend any of my free time, my days off, my vacations, my sick or personal time, or any other time while not on the clock.

Understand this, no person of any sort will be allowed permission into my home while I’m at work, or while I am at home.  Furthermore, no person of any sort will be allowed remote access into my home virtually or any other means – at all.

Good thing for you, I will never be able to be pregnant.  It is an impossibility.  Again, I am unable by any means to become pregnant, carry a baby, or by any other means have a natural child.  I have lost a lot of weight in my life, so you will see I will remain quite slim and healthy.

When driving to work, I will choose the fastest and most cost-effective route.  I will not zig-zag, or choose specific lanes based on anything other than the fastest means possible.  While I am not a race-car driver I will get to work fast and in a safe manner.  I will not be playing a driving game or any sort, nor change lanes for any other reason other than the fastest route possible.

I am looking for employment in an allergy-free environment.  I will accept nothing else.

Competition that creates division, hurt feelings, and in any way alters a person normal bodily function is unacceptable in the workplace.

While I have a light-hearted and good sense of humor, the workplace is not a place for pranks or tricks or any sort.  If humor comes at the expense of a person’s feelings either financial or mental it does not belong in the workplace.  If humor causes humiliation, shame, suffering of any sort, embarrassment, or creates ill-will, or sexual harassment it does not belong in the workplace.

I see great and wonderful things within people, places, animals, and the environment.  I will not allow any good, kind, and wonderful things that I see to be taken from me, turned against me, or in any other way perverted.  Even if someone calls it art.

My vision is unique.  My mind is unique.  As I am – for no one else can be me, but me.

I am a wonderful employee.  No one works harder than me.  I can say this with certainty because no one in the entire world works the way I work.  There is not a single business that wouldn’t profit from my employment.

What I expect from my employment is an allergy-free environment, to be treated as an equal among my peers, with respect for my person, my feelings, my life, to be listened to, to be allowed my own future, and choice with what I want in life, and how I to earn a living.

Thank you in advance for my employment,

How Fucking Dare You, Kahit!

How fucking dare you, DKW!

You brought me here under false pretenses!  How can this ever be my home when I have no control over my own body, let alone the privacy of my home when I am away!

This house is not open for you or anyone to enter of any such nature!

You do not need to enter my house to spy on my computer, I will tell you here!

Who would honestly care about whether or not they have seen a celebrity or famous person when the WHOLE purpose of placing them in front of my eyes is for the sole purpose of THEM BEING ABLE TO HUMILIATE ME!  To laugh at me while I am working!

I have been more than patient 2014!  One or two years was three and 1/2 years ago.  But, the truth is THIS has been going on for too many years.  It has been longer than 2012 even though that is when everything started to go into full swing.

I could have found a job – if you had not stopped me, interrupted my computer and internet service.  I could have started somewhere, anywhere and worked my way up, so that I could manage on my own.  But, you have not allowed me to do so!

How fucking dare you!  Lines have been crossed – and you allowed them to do so.

More than inappropriate within the workplace.

How could you treat me so unkind?!

How could you betray me so?!

Overwhelming!  Beyond overwhelming!  You place a burden on me everyday from which I can no longer lift my head.  I do not need a task list, a chore list, projects to do around the house, I do not need to be told what to purchases, or products, or supplies, or anything of the sort.

Give me back my life.

Give me back my freedom.

I will hide in the farthest reaches of the world where no one can find me to humiliate me further.

Struck By Architecture

We all create moments in our lives.  We all have moments where our brain seizes the moments takes a snapshot in our memory to carry with us throughout our lives.  There are two I recall recently that set a reminder to me of what can be created long after the building has been completed.

Travelling is a great way to discover different people, food, love, and discover something new about yourself too.  I am recalling moments when my breath was taken in a gasp of wonder.

Asheville, NC is a beautiful place full of small-town goodness when I was there so many years ago.  Rounding the corner from the dense forest of shaded green, I came into the clearing before The Biltmore Estate.  My mind took a picture as I was struck by the beauty of the building.  How could a person live in such a home of such size and brilliant splendor.

Lucy, I’m home!  

Is what I imagined.  As my mind imagined Lucy and Ricky Ricardo living in The Biltmore Estate where the fireplace is bigger than my kitchen and bathrooms combined.

However, magnificent The Biltmore Estate and Property is I felt a certain melancholy, a sadness, or a unfulfilled desire driven to dust lying everywhere about.  It is remarkably grand.  It is precise and carefully laid-about.  Perhaps it is the burden the Estate demands to stay alive that I felt.

Nevertheless, The Biltmore Estate was a moment witnessed I can not, nor do I want to forget.

My twenty-fifth birthday I got to celebrate with a cruise and a trip.  The cruise kept me up drinking and laughing, so when I started on my trip to Canada I was beat.  Interesting snapshots of the metropolis of Montreal in juxtaposition with cathedrals.  The best potato soup and bread ever at a little diner of a truck stop along the road.  The Victorian house B&B we stayed at before crossing the St. Lawrence River.

On the ferry, crossing the river, standing on the highest perch, I saw Le Chateau Frontenac.  I was struck.  My mind took a snapshot.  It was gloriously magnificent.  Overseeing all around with a grand un-apologetic splendor.  Funnily enough, I still remember the man at the front desk who flirted with me as we checked-in complimenting me on my glasses.  Which I took great trouble in finding the half-tortoise shell/half rim-less glasses that were way too chic and fashionable for the small town and state I arrived from.

There is no doubt in my mind when they started to build on Le Chateau Frontenac it was to create a statement of claim and superiority.

I am still awe-struck.

The great thing about travelling, the reason I travel is more than to create the memories and bring back photos of great times and beautiful places.  I need to smell the air, feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, watch how the sun makes shadows on the pavement.  These are the small things that cannot be taken with a photo, or a blurb on a blog, they can only be felt and witness by the traveller.

Which was me.

Where Did I Go?

It’s a problem when you don’t like the person you are anymore.  I have been turned into someone else’s creation of who they think I can and should be.  But, I can no longer stomach to look at myself in the mirror anymore.  My eyebrows pinch together in hard angry sternness.  The color in my eyes has gone.  I used to receive compliments all the time on the color and shape of my eyes, and the quality that can only be seen and felt first-hand when you meet another person’s gaze has left my heart permanently.

Only a jealous person would be so low as to harm another person to take away their natural good looks.

I am so sick of the abuse I endure because I have no other choice in the matter.

Worse still, I am so sick of the good and lovely, the joy, the kindness, the beauty, the pleasant, the astounding, the sad, and the broken, the lonely, and the afraid I see in others, in my surroundings taken from me as if it is their right to do so.  Then, cast in false disguise, claimed as art and regurgitated back to me as a truth and real.  When I know it is a perverted portrayal.

The me that used to command attention wherever I went because it simply came out from everywhere of my being – has left me entirely.

So, what is there that remains?  A nothing.  A void.