The Worst

David Wolfe and James Franco, the two of you do not know the first thing about creating an environment of cooperation, enthusiasm, respect, and mutual benefit.  You two are the worst employers I’ve had to work with.  Every time it is the most un-enjoyable experience possible.

It is not easy in any way what it is I do.  There is no one that does and can do everything I do for as long as I have.

BTW, I no longer have my vision of movement during my punched in hours due to the pet steps, and the lack of freedom in my movement due to the timed goals.  It’s gone.  What I once saw is gone.  What I once saw as possible is gone.

I am more than a mindless, emotionless thing to order about.  I am more than chores and tasks.  I cannot model or follow after the goals of a game because I FEEL!!!  I have FEELINGS!!!!!  Cleaning something is more than an action it carries pain, frustration, hardship, discomfort, and dissatisfaction.

Neither of you make any allowances for rest and recuperation.  The time spent with either of you cannot be made up in my time off.  Both of you make excuses for your timing, and my frustration.  But, neither of you make any concessions toward me or what I want!

It is MY brain after all.

Oh, and BTW, please stop stringing me along.  Marriage after all is NOT a job, it is NOT arranged it is consensual and not forced upon.  I am not a such a simpleton to believe in this waiting nonsense.  I have eyes.  I have eyes of my own.  My eyes have seen the truth.

 

Sundays

Sundays have always been family day.  Sundays are the day the family went to church together, then went out to eat together.  Church days, however are for another story.

I long for the Sundays of endless mugs of warm coffee brewed with cinnamon, vanilla, and sugar filling my nose and the air with happiness while reading the Sunday paper sprawled over a chair.  Combing through the ads for the best pricing on clothes, gadgets and devices, and discovering new products.

Having a late brunch.  Food and dishes set out informally and in no particular order to be followed by wonderful, lovely pots of tea with real cream or evaporated milk, and real sugar.

So, when I am playing a game like The Sims, I want them to be able to eat as a family.  I want to be able to select not a plate, but an option that allows for everyone to sit together and eat, drink, and chat at the same time.  Even a Sim who has no emotions or feelings, I want them to be able to spend that important time with one another.

Watching Sunday Morning Shoot-Out as my new church.  For movies and films had become my place of inspiration, reverence, and unending exploration of thought and conversation.

Watching a movie in the afternoon, or taking a nap to clear the mind of the week’s stresses.  Spending time with each other, just having everyone near without the constant need of trivial talking.

Sundays are family day, and without a home base it is just another passing of a day.

My mind in a mess from inexcusable busy-ness, avoidable stress, hardship, heartbreak, and the loss of a life filled with people, love, and a man of my own who would love me for life.  So, I sit here longing for the times that once were because nothing else is worthwhile anymore.

Hey, Guess What Baby

No, for your information I did not want to be finger fucked for these last four going on five straight years!  I did not want to not be able to date and sleep with whatever man I found attractive.  I most certainly did NOT want to have to prove anything to anybody simply because David was always around, but always out of reach making me feel as if my life was not my own to do as I choose.

Did you think I would be so upset at watching David and Courtney making out, seeing him with a wedding ring that I would run into the arms of the closest available man?!  You don’t know me at all.  I am happy for David.  I was glad he found his perfect mate even though it has exposed me to hurt at the loss of a friend.

But, I want to move on.  I have wanted to move on since, oh…I don’t know, March or April 2014.  Don’t get me wrong I wanted to move on before then 2014.  However, I have simply not been allowed to since moving here.  I have not been allowed to find or have a man find me to share the rest of my life with.

Also, I am sooooooo over being virtually tried-on just to see what it would be like.

The entire world gets to be in love and have the love of their life in their life to spend the rest of their life together, but me?!!

What the fuck did I do so wrong to end up like this at this time of my life?!

I will not mention the store’s name since they still have time to correct the situation, but since working at I’ll call it The Shop Around the Corner I have been unable to eat as I normally would since losing so much weight.  I lost another person.  I lost so much weight it was as if I lost another person, an older, or a different person than I am now.  Since working at that store, I have been unable to eat during any breaks or lunch while I am working regardless of where I work.  I used to make a lunch of sliced apple an a hard-boiled egg, eight ounces of water during a 10 hour shift.  I would have only oatmeal and coffee for breakfast.  However, when I returned home from my 12 hour shift, including drive time, I would have gained or maintained my weight.  It appears someone – I don’t know who, but it is the only explanation – has a copy of my car key, and they alter my food.  I guess so they can watch as I eat the food they have altered.

I am so over trying to figure things out they are not a part of my job description.  I am not finished with this yet.

Just so it is well-known, documented, and recorded I was GLAD when Erin left the store.  As far as I was concerned we were no longer friends.  This person, Erin called up (sounding drunk) to the store I was working at asking me to leave work early to go drinking with her and her lesbian friends.  I WAS SO APPALLED!!  I was mortified for myself and for her.  I would never ask to leave work early by making up a fake story, nor was I in ANY way interested in her lesbian friends.  Where were the men she was supposed to wing-man for me?!  That’s who I thought and believed she was.  I never spoke to management about this phone call because I did not believe it was in my best interest to complain about her and her behavior, nor did I go to management whenever she yelled at me at work.  I had not figured it out at the time, yet I knew there was something not-quite-right about the whole thing.  It was a good thing I never mentioned anything at work, it was a door not to be opened.  In hind-sight, they would have turned it around, whatever I said, just to make me feel insecure about my work environment, my abilities, my performance, and my character.

This pattern of making me feel insecure at my work place and in life has not stopped since.

No Means No

I hate cleaning!  I love clean things and a clean environment, but I detest cleaning.  It is a huge distinction between liking clean things and enjoying to clean.  The very thought of having to clean makes me want to scream!  Ugh!

I am only one person living with three cats, I shouldn’t have to clean so much.  My routine should be simpler.  It shouldn’t take so long to clean and take care of my tiny place.

I miss my house.  I miss being able to decorate for Christmas.  I miss the Christmas lights and presents.  I miss the feeling of good-will.  It made me sad the other day because I no longer wrap presents or have anyone to give presents to.  I used to light up my home with icicle lights.  I got the ones that looked the most realistic.  I placed deer by my birch tree, and a star of David hanging high in the raintree in the front yard.  To me it was significant.  I was saying the deer represented the cold and the North Pole, and the star of David represented Bethlehem, and my small front yard brought that vast perspective together.

I miss being able to create and decorate my home.  There is no point where I currently live.  I need new flooring which I would want wood floors it is always my preference.  I need new closets.  I need new organization throughout my house and garage.  I need storage solutions.  I need chairs and bar stools.  I need drapery and sheers.  But, what is the point?!  I can never afford it off of my salary.  More importantly, what is the point when I have to live with tin foil covered fire alarms, covered appliances, covered A/C, and covered radio in my car.  Why is it all covered?  Because someone has placed hidden cameras throughout my home and car.  Why would anybody do that?!  I have no idea.  To spy on me?  Because someone thought I was a bad person and thought they would catch me doing something?!  To which the worst thing anyone could spy me doing is cleaning too much.  Oh yeah, I forgot about the hidden camera in my computers as well.  Why would anybody do that to me?!  Why would anybody do that to me of all people?!

I have no idea why I had to change cable companies.  It seems a waste of my time and money at this point.

Do you know how terrible a man is when it is more important to him what plate you eat off of, then how you feel or your wants and desires?  It takes a small-minded man to control or micro manage to such an extent.

Why keep two people apart?  Why keep people apart at all?!  Why keep people apart who help each other?  Why push people together that don’t belong?  Why push people together when one person – this person, me – is constantly screaming NO, GET OUT, NO MEANS NO!!!!!!

I am sick to death of cleaning.

What About You?

Do you ever get tired of good?

If your life is good.  If your job is good.  If a man is good.  If a movie. a song, or a book is good.  If a purchase is good.  If your food is good, is that good enough for you?

The problem is – for me – it is never good enough.  I want exceptional.  It is not a need or desire from a place of discontent or dissatisfaction.  It is a part of me that simply cannot tolerate anything less than more.  More than good.  More than good enough.  More than average.  More than status-quo.  More than being able to blend in.

The problem is my whole being cannot deny the light within me, nor can I accept anything less than what I know to be possible.  Having to pretend to be someone I am not, having someone else’s mantel placed upon me as if it is my burden to bear is always seen as a lesser version of me.

There has always been something in me that is greater than my circumstance(s).  I was born with it.  God gave it to me as a gift.  As He does for every person, He gives every person a gift when born.

It is not possible for me to live with mediocre.  My spirit cringes.  My soul aches.  I want to rip my flesh off in anguish at the loss.

What good is a good meal if it is merely measured out ingredients?  What good is a movie if it does not make you uncomfortable in its truth, or bleeds anguish bearing its vulnerable soul?  What good is a man if he is not in physical form?  What good is a man if he is unwilling to learn from you, or believe in the vision you see in him?

What good is good?

If you are willing and able to settle for good, then congratulations and good luck to you, you will have a life.  However, I cannot settle for anything less.  There is the brightest light that burns within me every day, all the time.

Good is not enough for me.