WE – DO NOT AGREE!

Walking into the tool rental area Tommy said into the phone, “We’ve met.”  I waited as he hung up the phone when he started shaking his hands.  I took both of his hands in mine to calm him.  There was just a few moments of polite conversation when a woman wearing a Shermin-Williams t-shirt walked into the door backwards saying, “So, not a leader.”  As if to say, Cherith is not a leader.

I quickly left the area with a slight smile on my face for I didn’t know it in that exact moment, but that was David Wolfe disguised as Tommy.  It takes time to place the pieces together sometimes.  See, a lot of people have been placed in front of me wearing masks, or disguises, painted black, extra padding, or controlling the air around and in front of me.

Still to this day I have no idea why this – or any of this has happened.

There was a time when I thought it was important to make amends with David Wolfe.  Most of my memories of he and I in college are of yelling and screaming matches.  One thing he and I agreed on – Don’t tell me to calm down.  I don’t want to be told how to feel.  Almost every single day in college we fought.  But, there is this picture – well, there are several pictures – a cast picture.  As they were about to snap the photo David bent down to me placing his head close to mine.  I placed my hand on his head and literally squealed with joy.  You can see it all over my face in that photo how happy I was.  But, the bigger picture is the look on the others in the photo as they understood why I squealed – it is all over their faces too.  Even David’s girlfriend in the photo appears happy for us.

I plan on going back and rewriting the David moments that occurred along with a great deal of others.  However, for me those moments only live any longer in the past.  I no longer have a natural, unspoken connection to David.  It has been many years now since it has left me.  So, I know with a resolution that time has passed, it is over, and it has finished in my heart.  Just like I knew my mother was gone, but I did not know that she had died and everyone lied to me about – I know there is no going back to David of any kind.  However, it does not make any of the stories of the past any less true.

There is a voice in my head that is not my own, and no, I am not crazy.  I will never again believe that I had to have surgery.  My hysterectomy that was given to me by The Moffit Cancer Group I will never again believe was necessary.  My doctor, Dr. Kelly sent me for an ultrasound after examining me when I was told I had cysts that needed to be removed.  I was bleeding around the clock.  My periods were three weeks long.  I was anemic.  Yet, at the time I just kept on going because I was taking care of my mother, and paying attention to myself was the last thing I could manage.

Because of theses last few years and everything around me that has changed me into this version of Cherith that I do not recognize or like at all, I will never again believe that surgery saved my life.  Because that surgery, left something behind.  A receiver, or a transmitter, or a tracker.  It is that surgery along with the root canal from my dentist that implanted a listening device that steals my thoughts.

I can no longer pray to God because I have an audience in my head.

I wish I had never met David Wolfe.  I will not change this viewpoint anymore.

There is no even-flo in my life.  Not if anyone would listen to me.  I am so tired of being lied to.  I am so tired of being virtually fucked while the other person is cheating on the real person in their life.

I am going celibate.  I am so devastated at these last several years, and I am so hurt at the loss of love in my life that I have decided to give up on sexual wellness and my sexual health.  It is a pain in my head and heart I cannot describe to be so alone like this unable to make any connections with people, or have friends, or build a life for myself.

Since March or April of 2014, I have written, texted, emailed, spoken out, made notes, posted pictures in front of my television that I never wanted to see Edison again.  Edison who was a man I had sex with because I wanted to feel sexually desirable by a man since David was everywhere I went.  Nearly every day where I went I saw David – usually on a motorcycle.  David, who no longer wanted to speak with me or be friends with me by telling me so in a Facebook message calling me delusional when I confronted him about seeing him.  When I discovered the reason why things did not add up with Edison, why the sex was never any good, why I never had an orgasm, etc.  When I discovered that Edison was wearing a skin-suit and that every conversation, the sex, everything, had someone else watching telling this person what to say, what to do, and how to act and behave – there was a click that happened.  A complete shut-down in my mind, body, spirit, soul, and heart.  I have been trying to get away from this person for years.  I have been trying to move on from this person for years.

Mark, this person I dated was the worst kisser in the world.  YUCK!

I am still planning on writing the declassified series even if I repeat myself in these posts.  I have an Angel Chronicles I am going to write as well.  Plus, the Forever Moments, I have two separate children’s stories collection I want to write.  In addition, to the articles and short stories I have been trying to write for years.

But, I am tired.  I want to remove myself from the world.  I do not want to be in front of the camera anymore.  I want a private life.  I want a sabbatical.  I feel like I need a year away from everything just to rest my brain.  I am in tremendous pain every day it is all over my face.  I cannot smile anymore.  My eyes do not light up anymore.  I am tired of being hot and dirty and smelly every day.  I feel like I want to die just for relief from this life.

One day when I was working at The Container Store this oversized gentlemen came in asking me to design a closet for him and his partner.  It was one of the most wonderful conversations I’ve ever had.  He was upbeat, positive, a pleasure to be around, he was so very lovely it stood out in my mind immediately.  Then, we had a travel meeting at the store.  Cat commented on how nice I looked and how she liked my well-defined calves.  I knew at the moment it was not because of Cat that I immediately blushed.  See, he was on the other side of the security camera’s.  I saw him at Home Depot.  He was dressed as a cloud.  This tall man came walking towards me, of course I wanted to help him.  Some small talk, then he talked about having an arm transplant.  He touched my shoulder with his finger running it down my arm and there was such power in his touch, I was immediately embarrassed.  I was so changed from the last time he saw me.  I lost a skinny 18 pounds.  I was wearing bargain basement clothing, my make-up was sparse and worn like a person who had lost everything.  I was embarrassed at my appearance and this person I had become.  In New Orleans sitting at a bar, I saw him with a bald cap covering his head on the television.  But, the last time I saw him was riding a bicycle wearing a white beard.  Benedict Cumberbatch is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever spoken with, he is positive, and there is an energy there that extends beyond his body.  A lovely, lovely, wonderful person to have met.  Thank you.

When I was last in Key West, I was sitting at the bar at Sloppy Joes in comes David Wolfe wearing some sort of disguise he touched my left knee as he passed.  In that moment he touched me all this hurt and anger and upset – just left me.  But, that moment is gone from me too.  I never wish to see him again.  He left me with a one-sided smile, and that has severed any hope of friendship ever again.  Some betrayals you cannot come back from.

I feel so used and abused.  I am so tired of being lied to.  I feel like someone started a project that grew bigger than originally planned and they have been unable to keep up appropriately.

I am so over this stupid nonsense of only doing it this way and only doing it that way.  Doing what is asked of me only to find out after the fact that I was set-up to fail.  I am tired and over all these previous rules – such as – Gator Ford being pressure cooking just to name one.

I saw David Wolfe when I was at a Beer and Bourbon Fest back in 2014.  He was crossing a street in front of me with a little dog behind him, or near him.  I remember there was a little dog.  I was perfectly fine, and then I went back for another sample that was about 3 or 3:30pm.  I woke up the next morning as I was supposed to leave for work.  I woke up in different clothes.  I have never taken care of someone who had too much to drink, taken all their clothes off, dressed them, then placed them in bed.  Not even if they had thrown up or soiled their clothes.  I have no idea who took me home to see me naked.  I believe I was used against my will.

Before moving here I have never black out drunk before.  I know that last drink I was given had a sedative in it.  Let me tell you all the times I have been drugged.  I went to my friend Tammy’s house, second glass of wine – I woke up the next morning unaware of what happened.  I know she put something in the wine.

I went to a co-worker’s birthday party after the second shot that Erin gave me I woke up again at home.  I am sure I am not going through all the occurrences correctly.  I know they put sedatives in the alcohol and used it as a way to extract information from me about my past, people, and so forth.

Which brings me to David Wolfe – again – this time dressed as Alfredo Cruz walking in telling me he got Stephanie’s number through an air vent.  Because the fire alarms in this house, the security alarm, and so forth have microphones and cameras for people to remotely access me.  To record, hypnotize, mess with my brain, scour my memories, and so on.  I am not making this up.  Having someone deny this to me in person does not make it any less true.

David Wolfe as Alfredo Cruz telling me the scar on his forearm happened when his best friend took a cigar and burned it in his arm never speaking to him again.  David and I were at a cast party, he was sitting on the sofa with his Guinness when I decided for fun to smoke the cigars that were used as props from the show.  David knew I was being drugged.  He may have even participated.  I have never thought of David as my best friend.  He has become my worst enemy and nightmare.

I went to Starbucks on my lunch break.  I tried watching my drink as it was being assembled.  I got back to The Container Store and quickly drank my coffee in the break room.  I walked out onto the sales floor, “Marvin” approached me and something I cannot describe came over me, I was suddenly woozy.  I have no idea what they put in my coffee.  He wanted to know why I no longer wanted to work on truck.  How could I tell my GM that once I had sex with Edison the entire store seemed to know of it.  I wasn’t even attracted with any emotion to that stupid midget.

The dryer in this house doesn’t work any more.  I don’t know how to fix it.

There is a memory I have at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned when a car outside revved its engine.  The dental hygenist asked me what the noise was, the question was – well, it stood out, so I said I had no idea.  To which she responded it must have been an alien.  What?!

I have no idea why I am taking the time to write all these things that have happened to me that people deny are real.  I can hardly wait for people to stop pretending, to deactivate the blue tooth, and to remove myself from the public eye.  I think about suicide all the time when I never used to before.  It is the only way I know to be free anymore.

After taking care of my mother, I thought I needed to have a lot of different experiences and adventures to make up for years.  Erin and Rene took me to a strip club.  Their friend Casey showed up too.  I knew it was wrong before I even got there.  As I walked into the strip club my entire body cringed.  I watched the man across the bar the whole night, he had his black motorcycle helmet on the bar.  I didn’t know how to get out of the evening.  I was miserable pretending everything was ok.  As if on cue, toward the end of the night we all started dancing, I didn’t think anything of it.  Casey started dancing behind me and placed her hand on my boob as we were dancing.  Then, they quickly took a photo which looked as though I was having the time of my life.  I wasn’t.  I don’t even know how to describe the dancing and the boob touch.  Yuck!  It was a moment that stood out.  To me, I thought I’ve danced with countless men in clubs, and let them touch my body when I had no desire of remembering who they were in the next minute.  Men are not lesbians.  Erin and Rene told me to take Casey home as she was too drunk to drive.  Uh-ok.  I didn’t think much of it at the time, I know now they had other means of control working for them which is why I was not able to tell them they should take her home.  She was their friend after all, not mine.  I put Casey on the sofa in the front room while I slept in the chair keeping my eye on her.  I was so uncomfortable I didn’t want to even go in my bedroom while she was there.  I kept the tv on and the lights on.  I kept one eye open the whole night.  I am reminded of a quote I read once by Oprah Winfrey where she said she wasn’t even a little bit gay.  That night was one of the worst nights of my life.  I have no idea why somebody would try to set up such a scenario instead of letting me date real men who could actually love me.  No way even after drinking was I in any way going near Casey or any other woman.  Gross!  The Tivo was on, recording me, the fire alarms, etc.  A few days later, Casey texted inviting me to the movies.  I put my foot down saying I did not like her in that way and did not believe it was a good idea, and I did not want to go to the movies with her.  No means no.  How many years must I say the same thing over and over and over again before I am heard and believed.

To have Erin, Rene, and Casey out of my life will make me happy.  They have not had a positive influence on me.  Lesson learned be careful around lesbians.  YEEESSH!

God Damn you David Wolfe!  You knew this was happening!  You caused this to happen.

Walking onto the monorail at Magic Kingdom, James Franco was sitting down, his hair was bushier and more curly than I’ve seen him before.  I said hello and asked him if he was on his way to work because he was clearly not a tourist or on vacation.  I wore grey bermuda shorts.  It was not a big deal to meet him.  It was very brief.  So what?!  Can’t I please move on from him and from David too?!

I was at a resort in Orlando talking with a friend by the pool when I looked up because I was aware someone was watching me, and sure enough I saw curtain closing from a window several floors up.  There was a young man with a wool skull-cap sitting by the pool who I thought must be wired.  Nobody in Florida could stand to wear a wool hat in summer.

I thought James Franco was Rick sometimes at The Container Store.  I thought Sally looked like a man dressed as a woman.

Do you know how many times David Wolfe called me when I was working at Disney?  I believe he used to call up to hear my voice.  Sometimes he would hang up without speaking to me.  One time, this man called me at Disney asking for an anniversary vacation package, and I suddenly burst into tears.  I believe that was David Wolfe calling me.  David’s girlfriend called me at Disney asking for a marathon package.  I didn’t realize it at the time, I remember having to send an email to my supervisor about the call because it was so strange and threatening I wanted to cover myself.

I could go on and on.  And, I will just not tonight.  I wish I had never met David Wolfe.

What do you do when the most popular boy in school asks to see your notes from class?  Pause.  Ok.  I handed Nathan Simpson my workbook when I suddenly remembered I had edited my teacher’s writing.  I crossed out every word negro and wrote the word black.  This was the ’80’s after all.  Black is by far a more powerful word, and who says the word negro?  I don’t recall the conversation other than my embarrassment at correcting my teacher.

I don’t know who owns this house.  It is in my brother’s name.  If he didn’t pay for the electric and other bills I could never afford to live here.  I wonder who actually pays the bills.  Because there isn’t one reason why I haven’t been able to get a job that pays a livable wage, so I could live here or anywhere on my own.  I am tired of being hot.  I have the A/C turned up because I am afraid of running up the electric bill.

I had an interview at Ann Taylors for a job, but it was Taylor Swift who interviewed me.  I didn’t book that job.

I am living off of naps because I do not get a solid eight hours of sleep.  I am living off of snacks and chips because I cannot afford the ingredients for real food.

I want to know how and when my mother really died.  I want to know why strangers dressed up as my mother pretending to be her in her nursing home.  I went to Wal-Mart one day looking for something to take to my mother when David talking very loudly near the point of yelling was walking behind me on his phone pushing me out the door.

I want a private brain again.  I want to unplug my brain.  This is such a drain on my body and mind to be plugged into all the time and at all.

I think if you want my stories you should pay for them.  You should pay for my time too.

What a sham!

I cannot believe my brother actually got married to his husband.  His husband is constantly in disguise.  Worse I have never seen my brother happy with that man.

Anyway, to cut it short, the minister looked just like Deborah who I worked with although her appearance was somewhat changed.  As I went to sit the minister motioned with her left arm as if directing me to sit down there.  The problem was/is it was not my brother’s side.  Sitting there my whole body was tense with worry and upset.

I do not care what anyone else wants.  I will say this!  Regardless of anything else, it never should have happened.  I should not have been told where to sit.

No one should have the right to tell me and think that they know what is best and better for me than me!

His wedding never should have happened because it wasn’t real.

A single tear fell down my face, pooling in my ear waking me up.  This is how I wake up anymore.  Living in this house with a ceiling fan that steals my thoughts.

Shaking off the dread I set about my morning routine, dancing around Mick Jagger style listening to music.

I was going to write more, but its lost on me anymore.  To many demands on my time.

I want to move to the middle of nowhere.  Where no one knows me.  I want to live where there are not neighbors in my windows.

I want to be able to wear make-up, wear pretty dresses, and cute clothes.  I want to smell nice again.  I want to wear perfume, put dry oil on my legs, so you can see the shape of my calves.

I want to be able to style my hair again.  I want manicured nails, painted pedicured toes.

I want to lavish in a warm bath filled with salts to soothe my tired muscles while fragranced soap fills the air.  Scented candles all around to set the mood while drinking a beautiful wine.

I want clean pajamas to wear freshly ironed.  I want a bed with sheets that have been starched smelling of outdoor air and a hint of scent.

I want to spend time with a book in bed before I fall into a heavenly sleep.

In 2013, I spent Thanksgiving with Jared Leto.  True story.  I couldn’t make this stuff up.  I don’t know how much time I spent drinking and talking with Jared Leto, but it is true.  He was in disguise, as a friend of the person’s house who I was eating Turkey dinner at.  She was a person I worked with.  Yet, sure enough it was Jared Leto.

His name was Tony when I met him.  Silly me, I went on to gush to my co-worker about how much I loved talking and spending time with Tony.  Tony was at the Thanksgiving dinner with his husband/partner, but there was something marked about him.

It was a pleasure spending time with Tony.  Talking, drinking, just hanging out til all hours – I was there a long time.

I didn’t and don’t like this place I live in.  It is still not my home after going on six years now.  I have less furniture, belongings, or cozy home furnishings now than when I moved in.  A home should surround you with warmth.  It should be private.  It should be a place of rest and relaxation.

Happy Thanksgiving JL.

If you’ve heard differently before, you were misinformed.  Or, more correctly I was mislead and misdirected into giving a false name when I had my oil changed at Midas.  I have no idea why someone would want me to give a false name, however at the time I did what I was told because I believed it to be important.

Why anyone in the world would want me to be anything other than myself can only be a reflection upon the poor character of the other person.  To not allow someone to be the greatest version of themselves is a sin, a crying shame, a disgrace, and shallow.

My parents named me Cherith after the brook in the bible.  In the King James version 1Kings 17:3 …Elijah sat by the brook Cherith and the ravens fed him.  See King Ahab was set to destroy all the prophets.  Elijah believed he was the last prophet left – cutting the story short because you can read the bible yourself – God provided a safe place for Elijah to be hidden from the King.

It is significant in the story for ravens to feed Elijah.  For so many reasons it could be a topic of much debate, speculation, and introspection.  Perhaps for another time – way down the line, I might write about that.

My name is a geographical location, it is historical, it is an event.  My name means deep ravine by its definition.  It is water.  Also, by the nature of the story my name is a safe place to hide and to be protected from.

Eventually the brook dried up and Elijah moved from the brook Cherith, and found a poor widow and asked for bread.  The widow explained to Elijah how she only had enough provisions for one more loaf – it was the very last bit of food she had left.  Elijah said make the bread and you will still have oil and flour.  The widow did not believe Elijah, yet she made the bread anyway.

She still had flour and oil in her jar.

So, back to Cherith, me.

My parents named me Cherith, in the hospital, after reading it in the bible.  They probably believed they had stumbled unto a unique name, however days after naming me my father found a missionary tract.  On the back was a blurb about the missionary Cherith Til who happened to be a missionary in South Africa which is where my father was born and raised until the age of sixteen when he went to school in Chicago.

The connection – to me – is significant.  Impossibly interwoven is how I see it.

Also, let me share this – my brother and I have the exact same initials.  My brother’s name in a town in Northern Ireland.  His name is also a geographical location.  My maternal great grandparents were from Ireland until they emigrated to Canada.

I love Ireland.  One day I am going to live there – at least for a while.

I loved my grandfather, he was the greatest male role model I had.  My grandfather had the Irish charisma and charm.  He could do anything.  He owned a barbershop, a pool hall, he had a pilot’s license, he drove a taxi, he drove a bus for disabled children.  He never failed to greet me with a smile.  As a child, he would pick me up and take his teeth out because it made me laugh.

I have found that Cherith – the name – has been used to name churches, camps, and people.

Hi, nice to meet you.

That was you, David sitting on your motorcycle across the street from my house as I was driving away – looking pretty fly – going to a NYE party.  Dressed as an old man that I met at a party, sitting together talking about politics the old man asked me to lunch.  I declined because he was an old man and I did not want to lead him on.  In the photo of me, Rachel, and Logan I took one of the best pictures ever, sticking my tongue out because its fun, funny, playful, and cute.  In the background dressed up as an old man David stuck his head in the picture.

You no linger have that influence over me making me glow by your presence – David K. Wolfe.

I was just about to write I hate having to “report” my life and goings on, but I dislike using the word hate – it’s cheap and common in writing.  However, time – my time, more importantly – being what it is cannot afford at this moment to write the way I would normally if I had a private brain, private home, and private surroundings.

My mom kept it, Dave.  How many years later was it? 10. 11. 12 or more years later she kept the bear.  She had packed it away because we – my mom and I –  were going to move away.  We were going to leave my father.  My father – whom I speak very little of and write even less of is a story for another time.  We were going to move back to California to start a new life.

Do you remember Halloween, David?  I am sure you do.  Halloween hanging out at Alisha’s house, way out in the woods drinking the night away.  I had fun.  I had fun with you.  I don’t remember you ever making me laugh, but I remember having fun with you all night and I didn’t want to go home when the sun came up.

We all decided, as a group to go out for breakfast.  I am going to cut this short because I do not have time to story-tell, or make this an interesting read at all.  You cut me down.  In an instant you took the entire night I had spent with you laughing, and made fun of me in such a way as to make me feel worthless in your eyes.  Like you snapped your fingers, and poof – you cut the connection.

I steeled myself on the drive to Denny’s – not wanting to appear as though you effected me at all I was still going to continue with the plan, but I was not going to let you in my heart anymore.  I walked up to Denny’s and you were playing with that stupid game.  *Cutting it short*  You handed me the Halloween teddy bear that had bats on its feet.  I couldn’t let you hurt me again because surely it was a trick – after what you said to me.  I didn’t take the bear.  However, several days after it was backstage at the theater, and I allowed myself to believe that you may have been trying to make up for hurting me so.  I took the bear home.

When I unpacked it all those years later, I took a photo of it sitting in a wooden chair and I used a purple filter on it and posted the picture.  I was just trying to let you know I still remembered.

I remember the date with “Gerry” at Bahama Breeze on Halloween night.  He got there before me and ordered me a water which was sitting at the table when we sat down.  I panicked, I started freaking out because I had never met this man before, and having some previous experience with being drugged, date rape drugged, I quickly ordered an alcoholic drink.  I couldn’t think of anything else to order at the time, and probably I was thinking – alcohol is an antiseptic.

Why didn’t you allow me to date men for real.  I am so lonesome.  I bleed pain and unhappiness every day living this way.

And no, I will not wash my hair simply because someone told me to, you should suffer having to look at me in this way!  It is a reflection upon you, your management, and your treatment of me.

I am not going to the DMV again and have my license changed – again – because of YOUR mistake.  David Wolfe, you and James Franco are most assuredly both married or as good as married it is a shame on you both for string me along in such a manner!  How dare you hurt me so!

No, I will NOT clean my floor because you placed dirty paw prints on my floor!  Yes, I saw Benedict Cumberbatch on the television while I was at a bar in New Orleans.  No, I will not wear my New Orleans shirt because of it.

I want privacy on my doors!  No one should be allowed to enter my home or premises – AT ALL!

You pay me too little!  You work me too hard!  The rate is too high!  I want to move on!  I want to have a life!  I want a real man in my life who loves me!  I do not want any ghosts anymore or ever in my home!

You know nothing of art!  That is a subject for another time!

I never want to see you, David Wolfe or James Franco ever again!  All these years that you have LIED TO ME!

Just a blurb – I wanted to go to World Of Coke in Atlanta, again – however, I was not allowed to go.