May 8, 2019: READ: Most Unhappy

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May 8, 2019

I have no idea what is going on anymore.  As soon as they placed me on a leave of absence at work, I have no idea what is going on anymore.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I have no idea what is going on, or who is actually in charge anymore.  What is going on?

Things were going mostly well, getting things done around my house, then all of a sudden, I must be evaluated and not allowed to work anymore.  I see no reason why I should not be able to work.  What is going on?

No, I am really not interested in talking to myself, in what appears like I am talking to myself outside of my home.  Especially, when I have nothing to say or talk about.

I have called and had messages taken down every day this week, and no one has done anything to correct the situation at work.  I am most unhappy.  I am most upset.  What is going on?

People were almost begging me to watch the movie Oz the Great and Powerful.  Well, I watched it.  There really isn’t anything there.  If there was it is gone now.  The only unusual thing is the headpiece that Glinda wears.  I had a faux emerald that was on a piece of yarn that I used to wear on my head like the headpiece Glinda wears as a child playing dress-up with kid’s make-up, the kind made from wax.  Not that unusual.

The teapot town, I’ve already written about, my mother.  The two sisters, I’ve already written about, that is my mother’s stroke when I was working at Disney while the two Spanish women were guests in our home.

How that could be allowed to happen, I don’t know.

What is going on around here?!

I believe I have made it very clear I am not interested in Oz.  It’s basic human psychology, this is too many years living like this.  A sane person doesn’t hold on to some fantasy about a famous person.  I don’t understand any of you people anymore.

I am most unhappy about the situation at my work.  This “case manager” is lying about calling me and leaving voice-mail messages.  What are you people doing?!

I am not romantically in love with that FBI man, how could I be?  A sane person does not take a Virtual Reality conversation and fall in love or believe it is real because it’s not.  Duh.  I think you people are confusing things, confusing issues, and confusing real people.

I am not romantically in love with any man, how could I be?

Real love is real love.  Real love is talking to a man, spending time with a man, dating a man, and so forth.

Now, I receive a phone call and am told that they need to speak with HR at work, and they used the word suicidal.  What?!  Underlying medical conditions preventing me from working?  This is most absurd.

Because of heavy stickers?  Suicidal?  Medical conditions that need treatment?  What?!

Be evaluated to see if I am fit for “duty” to place products in a box, tape it, and place it on a line?  What?

Cigarettes have nothing to do with the military.  Someone confused this and got this wrong.  What is going on?!

I am not able to think about it any other way other than it is absurd.

May 7, 2019: READ: The Lovely Bones

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May 7, 2019

Salmon, the name is just a location, Oregon, the Pacific Northwest.  Susie, someone called me a Susie Q because I kept the house that I was renting a room in very clean, I never let it get dirty.  This was the house and address I had in Seminole, Florida.

The sinkhole is not a sinkhole, it is the county dump.  When we moved to our home in Gresham, Oregon it must have over-extended my families finances.  My father took our garbage to the dump, every few weeks.  This was before the regulated sanitary services, the garbage collection we have today.  This was way ahead of the times.

We separated our trash.  This was before people composted or talked about compost as something to do in a suburb.  We burned all paper products in our fireplace and wood-burning stove, we composted organic materials, and the rest my father took to the dump because it was free.  It was just a way to save money.

Susie driving her brother to the hospital, I drove or changed the gears for my mother in our van because she had hurt her arm, I have never known the reason her arm was hurt.  My mother did have a medical concern with her wrist in the 90’s, I went with her to Tampa General to see a doctor this could be a reason for the sucking the venom in Twilight.

We actually grew corn in our vegetable garden in our yard.

This clubhouse where Susie is lured into, this is the gas station I walked past in the undeveloped land behind our home, the gas station where no roads were built to the gas station.  I remember the first time I saw it, my brother did not seem concerned, he was walking ahead of me, my brother, the sort of Dennis The Menace being able to go all over and not appear as though he had been walking through dirt and such, did not seem worried, it stopped me, this gas station, it did say, get closer, go inside, see what is there, I never went.

It was a full scale, actual size building to look like an old-fashioned gas station.  There were large tires scattered throughout this undeveloped land, and large tires, like tractor tires in the front of this gas station.  It had a look of legitimacy.  Like it could have been a real gas station.

This man who built this would have placed triggers to be remotely activated.  Triggers upon approach of the building.  It does look like it had a false bottom when someone walked inside the building, to trap someone.  Somewhat like what happens to the horse in Hidalgo.

This man who built this building lived on the other side of Powell Blvd. from me.  If there were children, he killed, they would have been in another school district from me.  It seems that he killed three children at least, the reason for the secret password at the door on my sixteenth birthday party, cherry coke.

Since they have destroyed evidence in my home, I am not certain if three is a real number or not.  It does appear as though he had killed children.  This seems to have happened before we moved to our house in Gresham.  Get it?  Not all of the murders in The Lovely Bones are from the same serial killer.

This man also had a lookout that lived down the street toward Portland from my house, and he looks like he was a veteran.  He is still alive, and he would have known better than to help this man.  He would not have had employment, he would have been on disability, or some other monthly income that did not require him to work.  It would be very difficult after all this time to get any sort of admission out of this man.  The serial killer who built the gas station did have a job.  He would have wanted to be appear as normal as possible.  That is not that unusual.  Most criminals pretend they are normal and average.

The man that built this gas station lived in a small house, a few blocks North of Powell Blvd.  When his house was raided, he did not survive.

How much a father could love his child, this quote – that’s God.  Father.  God.

The doll houses, my mother bought me a doll house with furniture, I never liked to play with dolls.  I thought it was boring, uninteresting.  I was more interested in doing stuff than playing with dolls.  At the time, I believed I was not girly like that.  My mother, most likely, bought the doll house because it was something she would have liked to have as a child.

We had family friends that spent every Thanksgiving with us in Plant City, that had a room in their house just for dollhouses.  It was the woman’s hobby.

Ray is The Sound of Music.  The gazebo is not a gazebo.  I had a bow-maker, and I made bows from ribbons for decorations on presents.  I liked the bow-maker, that was more interesting to me than playing with dolls.

Be careful with this notion, and symbolism of itching.  When the body is healing, sometimes it itches.  That is actually true.  Just something as simple as a scratch can itch when it is healing below the skin’s surface.

Holly is a deciduous tree; it grows in Oregon.  They planted holly in our Plant City home and my mother removed it and replaced it with something else.  Like she didn’t want to be reminded of Oregon anymore, or it meant something else to her.

Holly’s outfit with the plaid shirt, this is a little weird and disconcerting, I dressed like that for a Halloween party I went to when I worked at Hilton, with pigtails, and freckles.  I don’t like Halloween that much, I don’t like dressing in costumes and that was all I wanted to do for a costume, a hillbilly.  It was not a very good costume.

Was Stanley Tucci actually cast because I lived on Eliot?  TS Eliot?

Probably the green house, is meant to show the state of Oregon, that’s why it is a house.  I talked about Oregon being very green, green trees everywhere, there is not much other color in the landscape.  It could also represent, envy.

The sketch of the dead bird looks like Edgar Allen Poe.  I remember reading along as someone else in the class read out loud a poem by Edgar Allen Poe in middle school.  They must have seen it on my face.  When they read his most famous poem, The Raven, I started brain-thinking, who was this man, what made him want to write something like this, and it sent me to England.  I would have told you Edgar Allen Poe was an Englishman because I remember going in my head to England.  The Raven, Elijah sat by the brook Cherith and the ravens fed him from the Bible, 1 Kings 17.

The sketch book she finds in his room, is my mother’s Architecture class she took at Mt. Hood Community College.  She liked architecture, and wanted to be and work in architecture – Housesitter, the movie – so, why would her teacher and professor want to discourage her from pursuing it?

This sketch book set off an alarm about my mother’s architecture course, this man is still alive, and he would have been working with another man who was also taking his course.

Was the hair-style of Clarice Starling in the original script?  It is similar to Susan Parrish in Meet Joe Black, and I had cut my hair when I was 13, 14?  This was the time my father was teaching English to Japanese exchange students, he was teaching them at Mt. Hood Community College, it was during the summer, there were no other classes going on at that time.

The floorboard is a little worrisome.  This looks like my next-door neighbor from my most recent former home.  My father was taking too long to lay the wood flooring my mother wanted, to replace the carpeting, so I did it.  My neighbor came over and spoke to me at our front porch while I was doing this.  It’s not that complicated to place hardwood flooring.  This man’s mother had died before he moved next door, I never really liked him.  It is worrisome.  I saw the look in his eyes when I had lost a lot of weight, he walked over to my house, and spoke to me, I shut him down.  That’s the fastest way to write that, I did not allow him to speak to me.  I saw the look in his eyes.

Any cold, wet thing, I don’t like from Twilight, that’s me not being able to breathe or run in Oregon because of the cold, wet air and/or asthma.  Running, running with a dog, not a bad idea if you are a runner, to run with a dog to be safe.  We did run track outside in Oregon as often as the teacher wanted, and I did have a difficult time breathing and running then, I stopped, I remember at least once.  It felt like a hole the size of my lungs like in the movie Death Becomes Her only I could feel it in my lungs not my bellybutton, this could just be brain-speaking.

Do you want to know how they caught the guy?  How they got to his house?  I got to have a boyfriend from school.  I spent a night at a friend’s house, we all stayed out in their open-aired porch, and I kissed a boy most of the night.  This house, was close if not on Powell Blvd.

None of my concern, from the movie Up, is probably me.  Did you phrase the question correctly?  Did you ask a question at all?  When men were brain-speaking to me, did they phrase it in the form of a question?  If they don’t really know what they are asking me, I am not really going to understand what they want.  This is also referenced in Sherlock, who is my client.

Think about the writing assignments in the movie A River Runs Through It, writing as a metaphor for brain-speaking, it would be the reason for an economy of words.  Not to brain-speak in full sentences, but in words.  In the movie, A River Runs Through It, with Paul sitting on the steps while Norman re-writes the writing assignment, it makes it appear as though Paul did not have the same trouble as Norman (Norman, is not my real father in this movie) in getting the writing assignment correct the first time.  This appears to be me as Paul and another boy as someone else’s real son as Norman.

It is a matter of will.  The difference between being able to do something because they want to do it and someone being smart enough to be able to do something.  Also, I was really unable to grasp that all of this was about me.

Not to date anyone with a Navy from Sherlock.  Look at it this way, not to date/anyone/with/Navy.  Not to date?  This is a question.  Why is Cherith not dating?  Why haven’t they allowed Cherith to be seen with men and dating men?  Anyone?  As though there are no men around that would be willing and Cherith would like as well to date?  And this question does appear to be from the Brits pertaining to my handling.  With, meaning working together, and Navy, inaudible.

There is another to this as well, Not to date anyone with a Navy.  It is, not to date, stop.  It is code to be read, not to date then stop, or period, or end transmission.  Not to date, that is in reference to the Spanish royal man I wrote about.  Why someone else made this connection I am not sure, it is just not appropriate is the best way to write it.  A dating scenario is just not appropriate.

May 7, 2019: READ: Prison Is A Powerless Place

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May 7, 2019

Give him kisses on the tops of his feet, from me.  Kisses on the tops of his feet, not his toes, not his heels, not the bottom of his feet, before the arch and at the base of his toes, give him kisses from me.  He has a lot of work to do, he might not entirely know how much work he needs to do in his head, on himself, but he has a lot of work to do.  You should let him work with me.  Of course, if I write it and tell people then they just do the opposite, but he has a lot of work to do on himself.  He would benefit from working with me.

You realize the majority of unsolved crimes lie – not code, it is just English, it is the English language and nothing more – in prisons and jails with criminals convicted of other crimes.  Their families and loved ones do not get closure and answers because these crimes are unsolved.  That is a reason to work with convicted felons, to solve unsolved crimes.

I was not embarrassed by humbling myself eating kisses for this man in prison.  You should let his family know I was not embarrassed, let the families of his victims know, I was not embarrassed to humble myself before him and others, so he would have a memory for the rest of his life.

Yes, I saw him, I saw the real Hannibal Lecter, in an instant, my mind however, was already at work, so who was there and not in the building?  Yes, since moving here church and Sunday services have lost meaning to me.  A lot of it has to do with this complex.  I don’t really get to feel like myself.

Boots, the girl in pink and boots from the movie Bandits, is me, Aunt Bootsy from the movie Rush Hour, these are all just references to the horse that stepped on my foot when I was taking horseback riding lessons.  The horse didn’t hurt my foot, I had boots on.

His feet and my boots are not the same.  He might not quite get the kisses on his feet, it might take a few days for him to get it, understand it, realize the pain and hurt.  It’s where his hurt is, on his feet.  Give him kisses from me.  On his feet.

He is a soulful man; I am not sure he would agree with that.  He has a lot of work to do.  He is at least willing to search within himself.  And, it does look like he would be able to help.

I am not sure why, nor am I sure he knows quite the reason why the scene of the man, Daniel from the movie Collateral getting shot in the head is so disturbing to him.  He sees me there, he sees others there, and he has regrets, and there is something more just from that scene.

They’re out to get your house from the movie, Up, is just my head, my brain.  And be careful because Charles Muntz’s character is a good guy, getting the bad guy.  Just as Cherith is Juntao from Rush Hour, and Shan Yu in Mulan, I am Death, I am in their heads, I was already in their heads before any alterations took place to my body.

We tried to smoke Kevin out from the movie Up, probably just means people were using my brother to get my mind and brain back to the place I was before my fiancé ruined the functioning of my brain-speaking, where I was just a natural, brain-talker, thinker.  It really is no judgement on smoking or not, it is about using my brother, and it wouldn’t work, uh, duh.  Gross.  Just think about it for a minute.  Gross.  That is not a handler, it’s a brain thing, and it is not that difficult.

Prison is a powerless place.  That alone is difficult to deal with, live with, and not to have understood before they, he, or anyone got there, to prison.

Prison, jail, is a powerless place.

May 7, 2019: READ: The Window

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May 7, 2019

The window that is seen being broken in both the Silence of The Lambs and The Lovely Bones is my father’s bedroom window in our home in Oregon.  It was also a sort of rec-room.  It was where the television was for many years.  It was on the bottom, or first floor of our split-level home.  There were no sheers to stop uninvited eyes from looking inside.  It’s my father’s bedroom.  The wood-burning stove was also in this room.

It was my parent’s bedroom until I was eleven years of age.  I would not sleep in my own bed until my father took me from their bed kicking and screaming one night, I never went back to their bed.  My mother moved into another bedroom after that night and did not return.  They should have been allowed to divorce, so they each could have been loved and happy.

It tells me someone was nearby, watching, and watching their bed and bedroom and that is why I would not leave them.  I felt a warning and I did the only thing I knew to keep them safe and alive – to be near them.

The broken leg doll in the newest version of The Wizard of Oz is about my brother and perhaps my mother’s broken legs.  My brother just stepped off a curb while walking down the street with me and broke his leg.  It seems this is another medical research, another way to set people up for medical treatment and sometimes, death.

It appears the reason they remade The Wizard of Oz was for me to figure out who killed Heath Ledger.  I’ve already done that.

The Heaven reference in The Lovely Bones is just brain-thinking, brain-seeing, don’t walk into things, brain-work.  It looks more like One Hour Photo, than The Lovely Bones, and it looks like this serial killer is already in prison.

Was this in the original scripting?  Mufflers, or a long-knitted scarves worn around the neck either draped, twisted, or worn long is me, receiving my Best Supporting Actress award in middle school.  At least one photo I am looking at my brother who is on the floor in front of me, I am sitting in a chair, cross-legged with a look that sort of says, I know you better than that, sort of disapprovingly.

The consulting criminal in Sherlock does make it appear as though the real Hannibal Lecter has been helping authorities for some time now.  Burn the heart out of you, from Sherlock is good acting, good scripting, and probably a reference to my mother’s heart problems.  It means at times in the script, the real Hannibal Lecter is Sherlock.  Get it?

Find the will to stop, from Twilight, is about finding the will to stop killing, to stop killing people.  Edward Cullen, EC, Carl and Ellie, EC from the movie Up.  The lead actresses name in Twilight is an abbreviation for the state of Kansas, or brain-thinking, brain-work.  Obviously, I am both Bella and her daughter, two mother’s names, two women’s names, that is my grandmother and my Aunt who died from strokes.

Sucking the venom from Bella’s wrist, is, most likely, handcuffs, the wrist being where handcuffs are placed.  If someone copied after the script and purposefully put me in a car crash, made me pass out, so they could break my arm, and then call it an accident?  That’s criminal.

I just drank six ounces of water from my Zero water filter and gained 1 pound.

My cats are very stressed because I am stressed.

May 6, 2019: READ: Out of The Question

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May 6, 2019

It’s out of the question.  I had been thinking about what someone once said to me about learning to shoot, to shoot a gun; however, under threat of unemployment that sort of stress would not be conducive to a successful learning experience.

My mind is on other matters, such as, stability.  Stability includes no diet altering.

He looks like a new man, at least from what I’ve seen, he looks like a new man.

I am upset.  It feels like I’ve lost a job.  So, I have other matters on my mind, don’t I?

May 6, 2019: READ: Send Him Away!

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May 6, 2019

Send him away, and I mean now!  I am more than pissed!  Send Patch Adams away!  He is not my Patch Adams!  I cannot believe they allowed the – it’s what they want me to believe anyway – real Hannibal Lecter to use virtual reality to see if he could get me to – this is so gross to write – orgasm.

You people disgust me!

He is not my doctor.  I believed he was a medical doctor not a psychiatrist.  That’s why in Silence of The Lambs, Hannibal Lecter looks like an FBI agent, not a psychiatrist, and not a medical doctor.

I have no idea what the fuck you people are doing, I am more than tired of being told what to do, how to park my car, how to wash my car, what clothes to wear, what games to play, on and on.

I feel set-up and tricked into this situation with the real Hannibal Lecter, one reason, they have me on leave where I am not getting paid.  I am fucking mad.  He said, Dr. Kelly using virtual reality, and whatever good feelings I had for the real Hannibal Lecter left me in an instant and have not returned.

Those contacts are fixed, they were fixed pupils.

I want him gone.  I am not protecting him.  I am not working, am I?!

I am more than mad.

I am so upset I don’t want to read the news or anything.  My windows closed, not a good sign.

I am fucking pissed, red man.  This has me re-thinking everything.

Dr. Kelly is no longer my doctor.

May 6, 2019: READ: Deathly Afraid of Me

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May 4, 2019

You have someone who is deathly afraid of me.  They are so afraid of me they want to kill me.  As if that would stop them from being afraid of me, it won’t.  If they attempt, again, to kill me, even if they succeed, I will be there always, in their mind, in their head, I will never leave them, and they will die.  They will die whether I am alive or dead.  They will die.  I am Death.

Whether he has known it all along or just recently discovered it, the real Hannibal Lecter has been protected by me, I saw him, I’ve seen him, protected.

There are other glory-seekers so incapable of everyday life they foolishly seek, not with a full set of teeth, they grovel to the realm of the wicked looking for acceptance where there is none.  They are looking to hurt and harm the one that he loves.  I am not sending him away, I am unbothered.

White dog, that’s Cherith.  Does he pretend in talk and speech to think my name is awkward and, um, un-American?  This man should never be let out of prison, he’ll kill again.  And, he’s neither that good nor that smart about it.

Transvestite, it is really just a complicated way of saying there was in existence in the 80’s, this African coalition, group, or whatever word you want to use trying to infiltrate the US.  It looks like sex-trade and wanting white girl’s bodies.

The tucking of the male genitals is the school bus driver, I already wrote about.

The sewing is not literal in Silence of the Lambs, it is old-code, Sound of Music, code.

Stay away from me David, it is for your own good, stay away from me.

What was that really all about today?

May 6, 2019

Full-scale alarm just went off in my head.  I cannot continue going unpaid.  I don’t know what is going on, other than I am not able to read your news anymore, I must take care of myself first, and that man did not do that.  And, that very well may mean I stop writing.  I am more than upset.

Full-scale alarm.  I’ve had enough.  I feel tricked and I don’t like that.  Protected, he was protected past tense.  I am more than upset.

Full-scale alarm.

May 4 2019: READ: Dear The Real Hannibal Lecter

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May 4, 2019

Dear the real Hannibal Lecter,

I thought you were going to walk the Edison’s out of the building.  I thought you were going to walk Edison and his entourage out of the building and my life permanently.  Edison is threatened by you, more importantly, he is very afraid of you.

I thought you were going to remove him.

May 4, 2019: READ: Um, It’s A Nightgown

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May 4, 2019

Try not to walk into things as you read this.  I’ve known this for a while I just have a lot of other things I’ve had to write.

It’s a nightgown.  The white sheet Sherlock wraps around himself as he walks around his flat, then into Buckingham Palace is a nightgown, my nightgown.  I had a white nearly floor-length white cotton nightgown that had lace with ribbons along the hem, it was sleeveless.  It was light and airy, and it felt like summertime to sleep in it, actually a true story.

Why I should be embarrassed or worried about being seen in my own family home walking from my bedroom to the bathroom that was shared with my father and brother, I don’t know.  I don’t remember walking around the house in it, or lounging around the house, I wore to sleep and that’s all.

I didn’t ask anyone to spy on me in my own home.

It does appear to be embarrassing, not in the best of manners to others to watch.  I am not sure I owned a robe at that time.  And, it was just my family, or so I thought, it meant nothing to them, obviously.

No wonder I go to sleep now with all my clothes still on.

It’s just a nightgown.

Sorry, if I caused any embarrassment to others.