WE – DO NOT AGREE!

Are you a big thinker or a small thinker?

Do you know?

I think big.  Bigger than I can facilitate of my own means.

Here is an example, when I cook, when I’ve cooked in the past, I cook enough to feed a firehouse.  It is just how it is.

Cooking for one person on a budget is not cost-effective either.

Sure, you can cook for one person however if you need to keep to a budget you will be eating the same meal over and over again for days.  Brain – switch off.

Isn’t that what your brain does when it is not fed variety?

Mine does.

My mind is galaxies and miles and miles down the road, then I hear something.

Huh?

What?

Back to a different state of mind.

They use trucks, you know.  As mobile listening devices to me, I can hear it the din of the inside of a truck and vehicle when they speak or are listening.  It’s noisy.  Of course, I want to switch off my brain after so much noise.

Bigger than big.  Bigger than huge.

Fill in the details as I go or another time, I think big.

Driving home from work this morning as I was merging into traffic, there is a man trying to get my attention.

I am in no fucking mood man!  Get the fuck out of my way!  I am in no mood.  I am fucking pissed as hell.  Get out of my way.  Blue pick-up truck, I understand you want me to look at you, but I am in no mood.  I am mad as hell!

Trying to calm down, I don’t know how that is going to happen, I see a name that reminds me of one of my first boyfriends in grade school.  Greg Latimer, was his name Greg?  Latimer is correct.  Greg (Greg was Lambert’s name before I adopted him) was it?  He asked me to be his girlfriend.  I remember walking around the schoolyard holding hands.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.  He kissed me.  He held my hand.

One afternoon, I returned home and was headed back out the door to play with Latimer when my mother stopped me telling me to brush my hair.  I thought, he already likes me why should I brush my hair?

I brushed my hair.

It’s important.  Taking care of yourself, speaks volumes.  It is not a definition of a person.  It merely speaks volumes.

There was another couple, I forget the girl’s name.  However, the boy was Jeffrey Stur…something…Sturbridge?  Something like that.  He had the oddest way of rubbing his nose.  Take your hand turn it into a fist with the thumb facing you and rub your nose up and down.  That is how he rubbed his nose.  Like he wanted it to fall off.  He rubbed his nose so vigorously and hard.

I remember looking at him thinking there must be a reason why he rubs his nose that way.

Looking at it now perhaps he had allergies or something of the like.

The four of us used to walk the playground together.

What I remember about Latimer was how short the time we were together.  He soon moved with his family to Salt Lake City.

Now, I did an unusual thing that I didn’t understand at the time, still don’t entirely.

I always see this stop when I look back at that time with him.  There was a stop, I didn’t understand.  I suggested that we should switch partners.  Very unusual for me.  It is brazened and hussy-like, so I don’t understand it.  It didn’t last very long, me with Jeffrey and Latimer with her.  It was a mistake.  We went back to being boyfriend and girlfriend, then he moved.

If you are wondering of the connection, I waited on Derek Hough at The Container Store.  He asked for help with a purchase of a blue zip organizer for his electric bills.  He used the word, cool.  I also saw him as he nearly hit me when I was at EPCOT.

If you are wondering about another connection, let me share.  As the Bluetooth and other means are fully aware.

Hollydale Elementary school in Gresham, Oregon was one of my favorite schools – I got to walk to school.  Best thing ever.  Even after Mt. St. Helens erupted and ash was still on ground inches thick for several weeks, I preferred to walk to school rather than ride the bus.  Because I could do it on my own.  Freedom.

It was a brand-new school as it was a brand-new suburb with an open classroom concept that I believe is not a bad idea.  We fourth, fifth, and sixth graders shared one classroom with different teachers.  The idea that the exposure to different ages would help facilitate better social interactions and developments.

One of my favorite science experiments in that school was growing corn because mine grew taller than anyone’s.  In a little paper cup my corn grew taller because everyday after class, during class, anytime I got to get away from class I went to my plant and talked to it.  It also gave me a chance to look out the window and enjoy the view.

One afternoon, all classes were being let out early to go watch Star Wars, so it was a more relaxed school day.  I did not get to watch Star Wars, I was sent out of class to wait in the hall where the teacher forgot all about having sent me out in the hall.

I was more entertaining than the teacher.  Imagine that, me, more entertaining than a middle-aged white male with a white man’s afro in the eighties was more entertaining?  Hardly a difficult task.

There is a puzzle piece here as Mr. Folstad drove a VW.  I have a vintage art poster of San Francisco with an orange VW bus.  See other writings and postings to make the connections.

On Sunday’s the church I went to, I forget the name, used Hollydale Elementary facilities for services.

So, I wonder if Latimer knew he was going to move and that is what prompted him to ask me to be his girlfriend?  I wonder if this is the stop I saw.  Or, if I was just inexperienced or young?

I wrote and wrote him for several months after he moved.

Then, stopped.

Not everything I see, not every person I see, not every piece of knowledge that I witness or have access to will I share on my blog.

Do not be dismayed.  Do not be discouraged.  Do not despair if you know I see and hear you and do not write about it – here.

Do you think that I would let harm come to anyone if I can prevent it?

If you believe so you are mistaken in every way possible.

If there was not a reason or purpose for privileged conversations, they would not exist.

Not every bit of information should be shared in real time, as it happens.

A wise person takes counsel from many people and many sources.

Just doing as your told.  Just kowtowing is not in everyone’s best interest, nor is it in mine.

Do you believe I would simply follow without other knowledge?

Or, are people doing as they are told to without knowledge of the reasoning behind it?

There are other stories and works being done here.

Life is not a rat race.

Life is not about a series of problems.

Life is about living.

So, please take a moment, take the time today or as soon as you are able and give of yourself in some way.  Perhaps it is just a gesture.  Not everything that has value and is worthwhile has monetary gain to it.

Take a moment for others, or for just one person.

You have no idea how it effects the entire world.

When I first brought home my three cats from the shelter, I was and am still grieving for my Thursie and Toots McGoots.  Thursday and Tuesday.

Sitting at my computer one day, Murphy, this orange and white cute guy of a cat.  Because Murphy is 100% guy.  G-U-Y.  He is all boy and has no problem whatsoever being cute or loving.  Jumped into my lap, curled up purring, and stayed there.

I wept.

Immediately.

I started weeping.

My mother.  How much my mother would have loved to have known a cat like Murphy.  It is what she wanted in a cat, a companion to keep her company.

Some know this story.  My mother had strokes for years.  Mini-strokes.  What was I to do?  I had to respect her wishes.  She didn’t always follow the doctor’s orders.

Once I called the police because she had gone driving, I have no idea how she was able to drive and drive back home.  Not a joke.  True story.  Her head…was, well…she was being protected I saw in her returning home.

When I saw the movie Matrix at the theater, I went because I was invited by a friend.  However, I was uneasy.  A social life is important, so I went.  I called my mother after the movie to check on her, she told me she was fine.  I didn’t believe her.  There was nothing else in her voice to tell me otherwise, I just did not believe her.

Driving home, I was – like a tightening in my lungs where I couldn’t expand my lungs to breathe, I was worried.  I didn’t know what to do.

I found my mother sitting down in the sun room looking out the sliding glass doors.  Her back was to me.  I was talking to her, it wasn’t until I walked in front of her that I saw the skin on the left side of her face had slid off.  Snowball was sitting next to her in the chair.  Curled up next to her because Snowball knew there was something wrong, she did what she could.  She stayed with my mother and didn’t move.

What to do?  How to react?  It was a mini-stroke.

I have not been able to forget the picture it created for me.

At first it looks peaceful.  Looking out the window at the scenery.  Sitting, enjoying the view.  It isn’t until I was able to face her that I saw the destruction and the killing.

I am fucking pissed as hell!

I want another job.

Do you know if I was able to be in the real world I could go to the police and file a report about persons, then I would be able to have a restraining order against them?  I could have them locked up.  Then, they would not be able to be apart of my life, my job, my employment, my electricity, internet, or have any information or contact with me.

This is what this life feels like.

Why is there not more outrage about me be subjected to a hands-only life?!

Why is there not more anger and upset that I am not allowed to have physical relationships with men?

I want another job!

Beyond fucking mad about having someone push in on my brain with “feelings” THAT I DO NOT SHARE!

Having persons being allowed to view and watch me naked THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHO IS WATCHING ME NOR DO I CONSENT IN ANY MANNER!

Knowing someone is putting something in my brain IS NOT THE SAME AS SHARING OR RECRIPRICATING THE FEELING OR EMOTION!!!!

I am fucking mad as hell!

I am not in love with anyone or like with anyone or ANY EXPERIENCE!!!

I am fucking pissed!

I want another job!

It will not now nor, will it ever be a woman that I want to sleep, have sex, or any other form of sexual relationship!

I have a right to decide who I want in my bed – IT WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

How many years do I have to live like this?!

How is this something that is allowed to happen?!

I was born straight!  Fuck off!

This is not discrimination!

I have a right to my own body!

So, for clarification there should never be anything but straight, single men with vision.

However, the glasses shouldn’t be there to begin with!!!

I shouldn’t be subjected to this life!

Can you imagine what it is like for me – it amounts to the same as RAPE!

The kitchen is still closed.

Frame your question correctly, you will get a better answer.

I want another job.

Looking at my Lambert this morning, he is still a skinny kid on the street begging for food.

If you have ever been poor, if you have ever been really poor, gone without food for days – it never really leaves you.

Thinking that if I waited until morning to write this I would have cooled down.  That is not what has happened.

I want another job.

I am fucking pissed.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

See, if my posts change any time soon.  This is all you will see here anymore.

The events of last night mean nothing to me after placing my job in jeopardy.  It is ALWAYS how I see, it is known, I have written about it since the first time it happened.

I was told to make a purchase, now I am penalized for it?!

Do you think I am going to sign up for the blood drive now?

Do you think I am going to buy toilet paper now?

Do you think I am going to buy a t-shirt now?

Whose money is it anyway?!

I have a right to decide what purchases I want to buy!

This man I saw on the side of the road.  This man that comforted me.  We are through.  You will have to win me back.  It will NEVER be virtually.

I have said and written and written and said since this started back in 2013 – IT WILL NEVER BE VIRTUALLY.

Follow this thinking – I have faith.  I believe in God.  I DO NOT have a sexual or physical relationship with him.

It is a huge fucking difference.

A physical relationship – is physical.

They played Justin Bieber on my tablet when I arrived home – BJ = blow job.  I am not impressed.  I am beyond not happy.

Worlds happen for me in less than a moment and you expect a paragraph of a few words to be sufficient?!

I am fucking pissed.

CARE = CA = California, ER = emergency room.  Because I was born in California to two white parents, my mother and father – Not a black woman.  Not an African-American woman.  I know my own parents.  I am 46 years old, I do not wear diapers, I am not a baby.  I am more than mad.

You can take my name, my first name and my last name, they equal sixteen letters.  It is the first password at The Container Store.

You can take my first, middle, and last name, they equal twenty-two letters.  Somehow, I am supposed to believe this means after my Tuesday.  I called her Tu-Tu.  22.  Tuesday had the killer instinct.  Thursday wanted to show me animals he found.

Thursday used to catch tree frogs from inside the garage, put them in his mouth without harming it, mewing to me the whole way, plop it on the floor, as if to say, look, see what I found.  Most times the frogs survived Thursday playing with it.  Putting his boo-boo paw on top of the frog, proud and satisfied that he had done a good thing.

I am not impressed.

What are my ex-neighbor’s doing in the building?!

What are my ex’s doing in the building?!

Forget the wax-man, I will not be writing that story.

Forget any of the men and people who have inspired me to write, I will not be writing any of those stories.

I am at a creative stop-hold.

I will not now nor ever watch a movie and change my attire!

I will not now nor ever watch a movie or listen to a song and believe it is about me!

I will not begin to describe what they do to my beauty products.  They do so that no man will find me sexually desirable.

I want another job!

I feel like nothing more than a sex slave!

I want another job!

There is no reason why I cannot have a job that can pay me enough money that I can live.  I am making the same pay rate I made when I was eighteen years old!  28 years later I am still making the same wage?!

There is no reason for that!

I want another job!

Yeah, I have zero tolerance.  I will not apologize for that.

Zero tolerance.  Proven.  Take away your mind tricks, I still have zero tolerance.  PROVEN!

I will remind you, my blinds being closed – not a good sign.  Not all clear.

If I go a day without writing – not a good sign.  Not all clear.

Creating more work, more problems, more barriers for me to work around?!  NOT ALL CLEAR!

What a terrible way to manage when things are not working just keep pushing work, pushing work, more work, more work, more work, more work, and expect the same result?!

I will remind you, a person cannot marry themselves?!

A person cannot marry a car?!

A person cannot marry a tire?!

I will never again believe this marriage lie!

I have simply NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO MEET MEN!

Love, emotions, they cannot exist in a vacuum.

You cannot have a love story with multiple men pretending to be one man!

IT WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!

I have a right to decide who I want in my bed!

This is like telling a gay person that they are only allowed to sleep with straight people.  It is the equivalent.

I will remind you, since I have said and written these multiple times – nothing that has happened in my bed has ever made it to my heart.

You believe me simple and dumb.  I am not.  It will NEVER happen virtually!

I am done, done, done, done done, with that man on the side of the road.  He will have to win me back.  Although, I will never believe it, I know what I look like.

Since, I have been followed since I was a teen-ager it is known that I will always – let a man go.  So, do not be surprised.  They set it up this way.  They staged “romance” that was never real, so there could be a break-up that is also not real.

Whose lame-ass idea was it to make me sick?!  So, you could have a contest to see what medicine I would buy?!

I am not a game!

My heart and mind are not a toy, a game, or a contest!

I want another job.

I reserve the right to be angry and upset about being made fun of, ridiculed, mocked, laughed at, and seen as simple and dumb in the press.

You cannot force a story to be written.  You have no right to demand or require it of me at my paying job.  You cannot demand or force someone to write – FOR FREE!

This is what they expect of me, work a 10-hour shift, drive an hour each way there.  A 12-hour shift that I only get paid for 10.  Then, go home and write for 5 or 6 hours for free, and want for nothing else in your life.  This life has been going on since 2012.  Six years going on seven, I have a right to want something different.

I want another job.

I will not apologize for deleting the apps and not reading the news because of it.  It is not the same in any way as reading news stories, hearing gossip and being able to dismiss it.  Because these news stories have an effect on my personal life, my bank account, and my mind.

I will not apologize for it.

I will not apologize for my language or use of the f-word.

I want another job.

MAGA – Make America Great Again.  I cannot believe someone thought this through or was a good idea.  Do you have any idea what it implies?!  MAGA?!  So, America has somehow fallen on hard times.  This picture that is created with this slogan is that America is a lame and crippled country trying to get back on its feet rather than a great country capable of great work throughout the world.

Rather than creating a picture of America being the country that EVERY country in the rest of the world – NEEDS.  I will say and write no more.

I will remind you my name is NOT America.

I have said this for months and months, the numbers are too high!

I will not go and stress over the numbers – THAT ARE NOT REAL!

There is no reason WHATSOEVER I should have to worry about my job!  Let me get another job then!

What is with the cock-watching anyways?!  I do not have to look at a man’s crotch when I can look at him and have no question about his equipment.

I am fucking pissed!

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job!

I want another job!

I want another job!

I want another job!

I want another job!

I want another job!

I want another job!

Am I the only one seeing this?!

I am not the only person in the world who can see this?!

Am I?!

No.

There are other people like me who can see people.

Let me share with you one of my memory techniques I used in college that was particularly helpful in my World Art class.

I could superimpose images over top of a painting in my head such as dates and names.  Following over the lines or brushstrokes of the painting I could keep information in my head that way.  However, it only retained the information in my short-term memory.  I cannot go back now, look at a painting and remember the date it was painted or the painter that painted it.

I still don’t feel like eating or creating food.  This is a problem for me.

I am very unhappy with the color of my roots.  I would think this shouldn’t concern anyone, however, here I am having to write about it.  It is not yet finished.

Now, I discover I am being ripped-off by Insta-cart.  How do I get that corrected?!

Let me caution, the sun is not always a bad thing.  Yes, protect yourself with sunscreen from the sun’s rays, but the sun kills viruses.  So, sometimes when you are not feeling well it is a good thing to let the sun dry up mucus, give you some vitamin D and warm your bones.

Please understand, I have not forgotten people I have seen, stories I would love to share with you.  Don’t think I didn’t see you wax-man, I did.  I would remind you I am only one person.  I am up against companies, corporations, and hundreds and hundreds of employees.  I am only human, not a machine.

Please respect my time.

This man.  This man…sigh, heavy sigh.  If you wanted me to be able to see you, communicate with you through everything, then that is not what has happened in its entirety.  That is all I will say for the moment.

Illegal handicapped parking, I am a bit unhappy about this.

I am sick to death of players and wanna-be’s.  They are not real.

If you think I can sit down and write one or two lines or a paragraph letting it satisfy a complete picture, you are mistaken.  If you think I am willing to sacrifice my experience for the sake of your time and not mine, you are mistaken.

Real will always be real.

This is true and real, so if you are not interested in reading something personal and real, stop.  You have arrived at the wrong location.

There was a man I saw – death.  Not dead man walking, not dying man, I saw death.  Hard to read I know.  I share it for a reason.  I saw the people with him, pulling my attention from him just to look, nothing more.  Difficult to describe what these people, how they were for him, other than just being there, for him.  How very important – to just be there for someone.

Anger, I also saw anger in him.  I had to think on this for some time because it did not make sense.  Then, I remembered I wrote about not being able to be with my mother or have knowledge of her death, or her heart failure.  And, why were more people not outraged that I was not able to be with a family member who was dying while others, caretakers, providers, managers, and employees knew of the situation and circumstance.

I want you to know what a very hard thing that was for that man to do.  Walk, and show me the anger and outrage for me.  A hard and tough thing to do.  Until you’ve lived in a hospital as I have – this is how I see it – then, you will not fully understand the depth of will and strength it takes to do what he did.

How amazing, people like that are in the world.

The world will have to wait.

I am not a machine.

I am only one person.

The world will simply have to wait for its History lesson.