Honey, can you get me some water?
As I have lobed off the top layer of skin on my left-hand ring finger, I realize perhaps it’s better to just lay in bed.
I will not apologize for taking the time I need.
I should never have been placed in a position where the location of my water bottle should have taken priority over my brain.
Over my brain.
I say again, nothing should have taken priority over my brain. It has been proven my brain has been employed otherwise.
In no instance whatsoever should any person be able to lay claim to my body. This is what I am dealing with trying to wash away and eradicate the trespass against my body. Do you know how many locks I have changed trying to keep my home my own?! I counted 15 since 2016, but that does not include the dozen or more I’ve thrown away since 2014, or returned. Compounding the occurrence of April 24, 2018.
My life is run by the super-rich who cannot understand the devastation of losing five dollars. That is a half an hour’s work to me, five dollars. They have no idea the harm they do to me.
Let me share with you the night of April 24, 2018:
Mark Lowry, bright, happy, exuberant, easy to be around. A happy child whose mother adored him. It is not difficult to see why he has been placed in front of a television camera for so long. I was having breakfast with him in my head. Buttered wheat toast with thinly sliced nectarines (I think they are in season) with drizzled honey. Scrambled egg whites. Tomato juice with Spike (one of my favorite non-salt seasonings, and coffee. I was talking to him about better food choices. Nothing Earth shattering. Just a way to clean up his head space a bit. More real food less junk. I was talking to him about one of the biggest problems I had within churches about the overeating as a way of self-medicating in disguise as being social, how this had an extension into a serious health problem I’ve seen and witnessed within the nursing profession. When…
If your brain had barred walls, steel vaults to shut, massively thick impenetrable walls and doors to shut, I did.
Immediate shut-down.
Immediate shut-down.
All systems stop.
Shut-down.
It happens without me being able to see. As if someone passed the headset to another person. I was no longer talking to Mark Lowry.
The person who let me know their presence when I was trying to place an object into a box – it had the word Ninja on it – it was not fitting well. I know my body. I know what I am capable of. I used my fist.
No.
No, immediately.
No.
No, this was not me.
Shut-down.
This was not me. I was no longer on a secured channel. I will not be held responsible for someone else’s actions as they tried to use my body.
Shut-down.
Have you ever had to protect yourself from an outside force within your own mind and brain?
Have you ever had to protect the world with your brain?
Shut-down.
The week that followed – shut-down.
And, the week ahead looks to be the same. Because my employer, my handlers, my managers, my assistants have failed me time and time again when I have proven I can only work one way.
What happened in my brain was a serious threat and occurrence. This was not a petty criminal, this was a man not photographed.
Immediate shut-down.
Now, it is a shame in that I am unable to share (brain-tired and broke) with you the great many puzzle pieces that took place in a matter of minutes on April 23, 2018.
Let me continue the night of April 24, 2018. I was speaking with a youth pastor at Victory church in Lakeland.
Does he abuse children?
No, I say.
Will he?
I have no idea where they are coming from with this because the line of questioning is so off base from him.
What I say to the youth pastor – because this is all too often what I see within the state of Florida, especially in Polk county – is a fire in the belly passion, excitement, over-flowing joy, bigger-than-life enthusiasm to motivate his congregation, so that fifty years from now he will be remembered in the lives of his youth and congregation. Because he is that kind of man.
All too often what I see and have witnessed within Florida is this great good, old-boy system of don’t rock the boat. Don’t do anything that would be greater than what is already in place. Don’t be brighter than the sun.
But, what if you are brighter than the sun?
Shut-down.
Let me go back several years to when I first met David Wolfe. Since, I am surrounded by people who have failed to acknowledge I have the ability to see other people’s mind. No wonder your dating scam that you ran in this housing complex failed me so.
They failed me on eHarmony.
How could I possibly…?! Horrible! Whom am I actually talking to?! No wonder there was no real conversation. There never can nor will be in that manner. I will write it. Since the years of living like this so someone else can take credit for all my work will prove I am actually my own brain.
David Wolfe when I knew him in college was one of the saddest people I have ever met. Sad. Sad. Sad. So, sad. Not grief. Not sadness. Sad. He was so sad he was angry about it because he did not want to be sad. He did not want to be sad. Yet, there were all these years if not decades of sad. Justifiable sad. To me he used it like a shield or a mask this sad that made him angry. I wanted to help him. He had already made it plain to me I was unattractive to him.
I wanted to be close to him. For me, between he and I, it was almost immediate – an attraction. So, since he had also, almost immediately pointed out how much better looking another woman was, as this is a pattern for David that has not stopped. Every other woman is more attractive to him than me, I wanted to help me, to not be so sad.
I imagine it is probably one of the reasons why David had so many girlfriends in college. He wanted to find happiness. Either that or he was not a good boyfriend, or lover, or capable of a relationship, and I never saw that in him.
In this huge blow-up fight between David and I in college over I have no idea what. At the time I am sure I believed I was standing my ground. David’s friend intervened to make David back off. He was in such a rage. He flew out of the room, and I wanted to follow him to make sure he was ok.
As angry as I was, the moment he left, a part of me went with him like a pull.
It’s a brain thing.
So, your dating experiment failed because you failed to understand a brain like mine could exist.
David and I were a friendship that was doomed to fail. It is still true. His brother is right.
People have been placed in power on the basis that I should love a man unconditionally who will never love me the same in return.
Why should I fall for that?
Because they believe me to be simple and stupid.
Now, let me remind everyone there is creative work in place and not – NOT – a literal translation. This has been a lie and misperception.
The purpose for Fifty Shades of Grey was an inspiration or jumping off point to create characters from Benedict Cumberbatches’ Sherlock Holmes. The scene of Freed at the end where Christian is playing with the little boy was taken from surveillance video of me playing with my friend’s children. I was running and running and running around and around with them to make them laugh and giggle – This is the Victory church photograph puzzle piece.
It is something I learned to truly appreciate when taking care of my mother. There is a certain kind of magic that happens between old people and young children. The way they communicate with each other. It is truly special. I have said and written this more times than I can remember.
Let me remind everyone of certain facts since so much of my work has been taken credit by others. I painted Mt. Hood in Grade school that the local frame shop chose over everyone else’s artwork in my class that they framed and hung on their store wall before returning it to me – Beard’s Frame Shoppe. Mt. Hood can be seen from nearly every place you look in Gresham, Oregon.
It is my sketch of a dog I drew in art class in middle-school. It is my sketch of an Eagle I did while attending a Bill Gothard Basic Youth Institute seminar. I sketched a portrait of him too. I draw and sketch as a way of focusing my attention on the very dull and dry topics.
Also, a bird made to look like a Native American chief – there is more to this story and puzzle pieces. I spoke in this house, that I now understand was recorded, about a news television show, I think it was Diane Sawyer who did the piece about Native Americans. I don’t remember the exact state only that a woman spoke about how happy she was when Subway was allowed to open on the Reservation as it was the only way she was able to get vegetables. It was unheard of to me, to not be allowed vegetables because they were not allowed to grow food on their own land. There was a young boy who spoke about wanting to become President of The United States. The look on Diane Sawyer’s face as she knew this would most likely never happen. Puzzle pieces.
Hyde Park. At a Farmer’s Market kind of event I had lunch with Tom Hahn. It was odd at best the whole event. He placed me specifically, and I knew it then. I spoke of Florida and its inability to work with the Film and Television industry.
When I was eighteen and aspiring, I had been a member of the FMPTA. Florida Motion Picture and Television Association. It was full of hacks, has-beens, and me. True story, at one meeting I was approached by a 48 hours producer and the President and Founder of The Seabird Sanctuary to go out afterward and have a drink. I was eighteen. I was dressed in a white lace corset type top (it was the eighties) and a full length pale off-purple, pinkish cotton skirt. And, yes, I had eighteen-year-old breasts. I didn’t get my part in Amadeus which had no lines because I looked like a serving wench another corset outfit. Yet, without missing a beat I said to these two men, you see that man over there? That is my boyfriend, do you want him to come too?
There isn’t any reason I shouldn’t have wanted to go with these men because I wanted out of that relationship. However, several years later it was reported that the same man of the Seabird Sanctuary had made some home-made movie on an island in the Gulf with women running around top-less. Gross.
My point was to Tom there isn’t any reason why Florida isn’t competitive with other state such as California or Louisiana. There isn’t any reason why Florida doesn’t offer more tax credits and other incentives to have more work for the Film and Television industry. The economic benefit would be great.
I have often wondered who watched and was listening to my conversation with Tom Hahn, who I worked with at Disney, yet he never seemed to be who he said he was. I have often wondered if Benedict Cumberbatch had not listened in on that conversation.
On an overcast Sunday he was driving along with someone on his creative team as he seems happily married to his work. He has a nice relationship with those on his creative team. How nice for him. He spent several hours with me at work.
Actors usually are curiously observant and watchful. They sit very far back in my brain. It is something I remember from the time when I thought I would want to act. It is something I recognized immediately in Hugo Weaving. A kind of kindred spirit for the work in the performance.
I had nothing to give you that Sunday, Benedict Cumberbatch, since I no longer work for The Container Store. It is no longer the same for me.
I think they want to know why I waited so long to write about this, yet for me it happens so fast it takes forever for me to go back. Also, it is so obvious it is almost redundant to write in repeat or report.
I have hit a wall in my head, I must away.
Before I go.
A person is trying to corrupt my work, in an attempt to change the location of my car in my own garage because I wrote about right defeating darkness. This is the most asinine thought process I can think of.
Let’s follow this logic for a moment:
Your Honor my client cannot be found guilty of these charges of rape, murder, and abuse. Because his vehicle was parked to the right.
Did the crimes take place in the vehicle?
No.
But, his car was parked to the right, so he cannot be in the wrong.
Dumbest, most asinine thought process I’ve ever heard of. Base an entire person’s life on the location and placement of their vehicle!
Bed.
Who do I get to go to for help? How do I get to tell a doctor an extremely bad man entered my brain and caused an immediate shut-down?
This is not something I get paid for.
How do I ever get to have a job I can actually live off of all on my own?
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 